One day, I gathered myself and my four youngest to go exercise. I was meeting a couple of ladies, so there was some social benefit as well. I was very anxious about taking my kids with me, and I didn’t know if it would be worth all the effort, but I gathered toys and prayed for success.
I told myself, “Take courage!” and off we went.
Things went smoothly for awhile, but then my four-month-old began to wail. I gathered more courage because I really wanted to go home right then. I picked up my cranky baby, modified my movements and kept on going.
I thought it was funny when my five-year-old asked, “Mom, why are you pretending?” I explained that I was doing my best, but because I was taking care of the baby, I had to exercise a little differently.
Part of my struggle from that day started about eight years ago when courage left me. I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t even wish for it. I didn’t even want to. I was dealing with a depression that was brought on by having hypothyroid.
I didn’t understand what was crushing me, but the only way for me to describe it is to have you imagine what it must be like to have no soul.
I, of course, knew that wasn’t the case, but I had nothing but exhaustion and emptiness inside of me. I felt sorry for my children and husband but couldn’t seem to shake it.
It was frightening.
My husband tried to help me by finding uplifting things for me to read or watch. I was so exhausted that I could only get the kids off to school and then crash again on my bed, hoping my children at home were safe. People would come to my door, but I refused to open it. I ignored phone calls and the efforts of friends who were reaching out to me.
I can’t explain the reason behind my actions; I was ashamed, scared, and ignorant. I was afraid to share my emptiness with anyone–thinking that people would think less of me and question my decisions and life choices.
I already knew that some people felt that the cure for depression was just a matter of changing your outlook. Maybe I even felt the same way. I never thought of suicide, but I did think my family would be better off without me.
My husband encouraged me to go to the doctor, but I was afraid. However, I finally went to a chiropractor with my husband, and I learned that my thyroid levels were low. The chiropractor suggested I spend more time outside, take some iodine, and see an endocrinologist.
A few years and many doctor appointments and blood tests later, courage has slowly returned.
I have zeal! I have spark! I have desire and dreams again! I can say that I have the utmost compassion for people, especially mothers.
So here are a few suggestions to help when life takes you down a few notches and takes you for a terrifying ride. I call it AAA, hoping that it may rescue some of your broken down spirits as AAA Automotive has rescued us and our broken-down vehicles over the years.
1. Awareness.
There are so many misconceptions concerning depression. Depression does not change just because you think positive thoughts. Depression is real.
Depression can be helped and healed. You are not doomed to deal with it for the rest of your life. There are many sites that offer free screening (like www.depression-screening.org/). If you need to take the answers to these screening questions to your doctor, do it–and begin to feel zealous again!
2. Acceptance
Most moms are aware of their bodies, and they learn to pay attention to the reasons for different aches and pains–especially those that deal with child birth. We don’t want to admit that our bodies can be affected by some chemical imbalance.
Our bodies are made of chemicals and hormones, and doesn’t it make sense that if our physical bodies need medicine to recover from ailments or viruses, that the chemicals that our brain or other organs maintain might sometimes need help? Sometimes it is very obvious that we are struggling, but we don’t always give those struggles the attention they deserve.
3. Action
First and foremost, ignore the people who claim that it’s all about “attitude.”
Here are 5 of the 10 tools offered by www.mentalhealthamerica.com to live your life well:
a. Connect with others
b. get physically active
c. create joy and satisfaction
d. take care of your spirit
e. get professional help if you need it
Being a mother, I can have hope that I can be there for my children.
I often recall that day when I grabbed my baby and kept on exercising, for it took acceptance, courage, and a little pretending to finish that exercise program.
I come across struggles daily, and occasionally I ask myself, “Christine, why are you pretending?” Sometimes, all I can do is go through the motions of motherhood and keep trying. Day after day I take courage, modify my movements, and then lovingly respond to myself, “You’re doing your best, and because you’re a mother doing God’s will, you sometimes have to do things a little differently.”
And then I keep on going.
QUESTION: What has helped you to continue your personal development and motherhood responsibilities–even when you didn’t think you could?
CHALLENGE: Look through the suggestions made by Christine in this article, and find a way to invest a bit more energy into caring for yourself.
This is so timely for me, thank you for sharing. I love the thought that even when I feel like all I can do is pretend and modify, that is part of courage and hope and it will yield real blessings as I persevere.
Thank you for the comment Alysia. You are so right that blessings will come. Perseverance comes in many packages doesn’t it? It could just be a little decision of trying again the next day!