For some unexplainable reason, I woke up this morning thinking about an old blogging friend. Friend, because we got to know each other on a personal level, blogging, because it was through blogging, and old, because I stopped reading her blog about two years ago. In fact, I stopped reading all my favorite blogs about two years ago.
I didn’t have that many to begin with–somewhere between five and ten that I would check into on a semi-regular basis–but like I said, I gave them all up, all at once. (Okay, maybe I had to slowly wean myself off a couple of them over a few months.)
But why? These were good blogs. Some of them were the extremely popular ones everybody reads (and for good reason), and some of them were just the blogs of personal friends I adore. Why give them up?
Let me just say up front that it had nothing to do with them. It was me. I don’t mean this in the classic it’s not you, it’s me breakup kind of way (which really means it’s you). It really was me. Let me explain.
We’ve all heard athletes talk about focus and keeping their eye on the prize. That’s not just a figurative statement. There are myriad examples of athletes literally taking their eyes off the goal in front of them to look around and see what’s going on, and the next thing you know they’re on the ground having lost the competition.
A religious parallel can even be found in the New Testament. Upon receiving the invitation from Jesus, the apostle Peter leaves his fishing boat to try to walk on the Sea of Galilee to where Jesus is standing. After initially succeeding, he ultimately fails and begins to sink when what? Some say it was when he feared, but more specifically (in my mind) it was when he stopped focusing on Jesus and started looking around him at the waves. Essentially, he took his eye off the prize.
In this case, the prize is my home and family, and I find that when I spend too much time reading other moms’ blogs, I end up thinking about their homes and their families instead of my own. And because I have contentment and comparison issues (despite having a pretty marvelous life), I often walk away from the computer feeling less than, wanting more, and thinking about all the things I “should” do/have/be in order to have a home and family like that. It took me awhile to figure it out, but I finally learned that feelings of peace and contentment come quite naturally to me when I simply keep my eye on the prize and focus on having a family like this.
You see? It really is about me.
I understand that many moms read blogs for ideas and inspiration. I get that. I really do. Where moms used to only have Creative Memories and Pampered Chef parties to connect with each other and get ideas, now there is this great cyber sharing that happens from the living room couch while babies are napping or the palms of our hands while in the carpool lane. Technically, the internet existed when my 15-year-old was born, but it wasn’t anything like it is today. Back then, all we had were those parties, parenting books and magazines, and the occasional Park Day or phone call with friends. But there was a certain comfort in my world being so small, and I think I definitely relied more heavily on my mother’s intuition back then–something we give up all too easily in this era of information overload. (We’re just sure there’s a better or “right” way to be found out there in cyber space.)
Please do not misunderstand me. I’m not telling anyone to stop reading mommy blogs, and I’m most definitely not suggesting that mommy blogs are bad. I’m just doing what works for me. Ironically, I have a blog of my own, primarily meant to chronicle my family’s history and entertain my mother in Iowa who suffers from separation anxiety. But since it is a public blog, I sometimes wonder if I’ve ever made anyone else feel like their life was “less than” after reading something I’ve posted. (Because like I said before, I really do have a pretty marvelous life.) If this is the case, I sincerely apologize and hope you’ll follow my lead and stop reading, because chances are you have a pretty marvelous life of your own. You’re just not focusing on it.
The thing is (as I alluded to before), in all our efforts to glean ideas from other mothers, there’s a potential to lose touch with our own intuition as well as a sense of gratitude for what is. As fantastic as it sounds, what’s great for one mom and her family may not be what is needed for your family. And if you have a personality like mine, you will want to try and incorporate every last great idea out there and risk not doing the most important thing for your family. (Whatever that is.) Worse yet, you will start wishing you were living someone else’s life. And that’s so not fun.
My decision to stop reading mommy blogs was about nothing more than a need to simplify my time and my head, focus on my family instead of someone else’s, and learn how to be grateful and content with my own life. I like the idea of bringing things down a notch when it comes to outside information, and I love the idea of getting to the core of what is really needed for my family by listening to my own heart.
Maybe you have one or more things in your own life you could give up (or cut back on) that would reap the same benefits. Mommy blogs, Facebook, Pinterest, shopping, unnecessary work or social obligations, toxic relationships, over-volunteering at the school, too much time at the gym, too much TV. There are a million ways to get distracted from living a more simple, satisfying, and authentic life.
I’m sure if I dropped an email to my old blogging friend today we would pick up right where we left off. (I didn’t mean to make it sound like we had some sort of breakup.) The truth is, she is one of those bloggers who does a great job of keeping it real while putting an emphasis on simplifying. It really is my kind of blog.
Maybe I’ll start reading again. Maybe.
QUESTION: Do you have anything in your life that prevents you from listening to your mother’s intuition and living a more satisfying and authentic family life?
CHALLENGE: Once you identify what that is, try cutting back this next week and see how it feels. You may not miss it at all! Image courtesy of David Castillo / FreeDigitalPhotos.net _______________________________________
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Thanks for sharing this, Allyson. This is good advice and good to think about in the context of living in the here and now. So many distractions, and yet such good people right in front of us that deserve more of our attention. I will be thinking about this.
Thank you!!! I was just explaining why I took FB off my phone to my husband and out of state family the other day. I also unliked many pages, blogs as well. I too have comparison issues with other “mommies”, so it was in my best interest to try to limit my exposure. I also don’t read books/articles about baby milestones/health etc. I figured if it is really important the doctor/nurse/school/someone will let me know. Does this make me a horrible mom? Maybe it does. But, it sure does make me more calm, content and peaceful with my little world. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one.
I agree about the baby milestones!!
I loved this article. It was a good reminder to keep my eye on the prize.
Thanks.
Thanks! It was time for me to simplify! I just deleted several blogs off my bookmarks and bloglist that were not really enhancing my life…I need to remember that MY home and family is the most important thing for me to focus on.
Totally understand this, Allyson! There are a few blogs that I’ve read in the past that made me feel “less than,” so I stopped reading those. But there are several others that make me laugh and/or give me spiritual insights–those blogs make my day better, and I will continue reading those.
For Facebook, I switched the settings on my feed so I only see the status updates of my family and closest friends. Everyone else is set to “Only Important,” so I will still see the “big stuff” in their lives, but I won’t see every detail. This has helped a lot with my propensity to waste time online. It’s helped me spend less time on the computer and more time with my son.
Amen! I simplified in this same area a year or so ago (after lunch with you actually). There are 4 blogs I check in with once a week or so. They are all friends I know quite well, and therefore am aware of the “real stuff” too. I don’t even look at Pinterest for the very reasons you mention. I have too much stuff to focus on with my own family, and I need as few distractions as possible. I loved your two analogies–spot on.
So true. I am so in agreement. Better just to keep it simple!
I still have 2-3 I enjoy reading because they uplift me and are “real.” I stopped reading those that made me feel less than I am as a Mom/person.
Thank you so much for articulating a conclusion I’d come to over the past year or so – for the EXACT same reasons (ie, my own propensity to compare, lose sight of what I have, and end up discouraged; not the fault of the blogging friends) – but have doubted because, well, it seemed like I should be “stronger” than that. But the reality is, the day after I read a blog, I am more short-tempered and resentful toward my children, merely because I’m suddenly comparing who they are (and who I am) to some other family that I think we “ought” to be like! It’s soooo ridiculous! The days I avoid blogs, facebook, etc end up being the ones where I see my children just for who they are and give myself grace to be whatever kind of mommy I can be that day. Frankly, I’m grieved to think how much of my early motherhood I’ve already squandered in either a frustrated state of comparison or a frenzied state of competition, when what my daughters- and I – need most is simply grace and contentment…thank you for reminding me to just keep my eyes on the prize.
I love your statement about what you and your daughters need most: “grace and contentment.” I too feel that the best way to achieve this is by simplifying our lives; however this may look for each of us. When we realize that what we are giving up, whatever it may be, actually makes us more graceful we begin to feel confident and content in our own journeys.
Thank you for sharing this! I have similar concerns–especially about comparing, competing, and criticizing– that make me nervous as I write on my own blog. The last thing I want to do is make someone compare themselves to me. At the same time, there is a selfish part of me that yearns to share and craves attention. Does anyone else find themselves blogging to get positive feedback?
Yes, Sarah! It’s not the primary reason I blog, but it’s definitely a lurking reason.
Love this! So true! There’s just too much out there that can suck away your time and in the process leave you feeling bad about yourself. If it isn’t lovely or praiseworthy, don’t waste your time! Your littles will only be little a short while!
I am 100% in agreement with you. I, like you, had my oldest 15 years ago, and when I compare motherhood “back then” and now, I see what a huge difference blogs, pinterest, facebook, etc. have made. There are some good things out there, but I find that “living” through the computer makes me feel isolated and discouraged. I have cut back drastically, and it’s for the best.
This article really resonated with me. I just deactivated my FB account because every time I went on Facebook, I left feeling annoyed. There are several “mommy” blogs I read as I thought it would help me and give me ideas. Well, that was my initial thought. I found myself comparing myself to them and then starting to feel really inadequate. AFter reading these blogs, I feel like less of a mother when I do. I think reading your article is giving me the courage to give up those blogs and focus on my 4 kids and what is important- my family. Thanks for the great article.
Thank you so much! So true!
Seriously amazing article. Love your thoughts and your delivery. I find myself doing the exact thing you talked about and trying to make my family into someone else’s- or rather a combination of a bunch of other family’s strengths! ha! How could that even be possible?? Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your wisdom.
It’s great to keep an awareness over the influences we all have in our lives that we may not be aware is bringing us down, whatever they may be. I have several that I can think of but it’s hard saying goodbye! I know it would be so good for me (and my family) but in a sense it is comforting to have something to procrastinate with… I need a good dose of self-discipline to eliminate all the distractions in my life and really start thriving with what I have right here in my house. Thanks for this important piece. I like the way you think.
Having a few distractions is not all bad. I think it’s necessary for moms to have mental escapes, or our brains would probably shut down! I used to try so hard to be self disciplined and was constantly frustrated by my inability to use every minute of every day productively. I have since decided to be a little gentler with myself, and I refuse to feel guilty when I take a 20 minute break to read a few blogs that I love. It’s okay for moms to have a mindless break once in a while.
P.S. I loved your article on Sunday!
Hi ALLYSON,
I think this is one of the best advice you’re giving. It’s funny that I myself was skimming through your article when this came to my attention.
This is a great post. I also have comparison issues. For the most part, my experience with mommy blogs is positive. But I have a hard time drawing the line, and consequently I subscribe to too many of them and spend too much time reading them. They are all so good, I just don’t know how to limit it.
I love this post! I’m just back online after a social media fast. I felt like I had too many voices in my head all the time and couldn’t hear the One that really mattered. I came back refreshed, deleted a bunch of blogs that made me feel less than (yeah, major comparison issues), took the reader off my phone, and have pretty much given up on facebook.
Wow, this is exactly what I needed today. Thank you so much for sharing! It’s always hard for me not to compare, and the internet makes it that much more difficult.