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Each night after an exhausting hour or two of night time schedules, tucking in, one more story, extra drinks of water, a last baby nursing, and getting everyone settled in just right, the house is finally quiet. It is the sweet sound of silence that makes me feel like I just conquered the world, and this is the reward.
My days are filled with serving young children (I have a few). They start bright and early, and I go all day long with meals, cleaning, diapers, driving to and from, comforting, and lots of unexpected chaos to keep things lively. But then, even if just for a few minutes before I fall into a much needed slumber, I am off of mom duty. This blessed time every evening is a time of calm–spending time with my husband, blogging, reading, or watching a show. I do whatever I need to do to feel rejuvenated and ready to face another day, but it didn’t used to feel that way.
A few years ago, I had lofty ideas about how I thought I should use this time. I always had more on my to do list than I could do. It seemed perfectly logical to knock out that pile of laundry or get to work on something that was easier to do without the “help” of little ones. Or maybe I could get in that workout I never found time for that day. Every day I thought about all the things I would get done once the house was quiet. But every night, when the quiet would come, I just didn’t have it in me. I was finished. I needed to unwind and recover from the hustle and bustle, so I chose to do something relaxing instead.
Even in relaxation mode, I couldn’t help but think about what I should be doing instead. The kids were asleep! It would be crazy to waste this precious alone time doing something unproductive. The guilt of wasting time at the end of the day always lurked in the back of my mind, and it did not feel good. It weighed me down and added to all of the other guilt that we moms tend feel about most everything we do or don’t do.
I am not sure what brought on my epiphany because it was a few years ago, but one day I consciously realized what I was doing to myself. I was not giving myself a break. I needed a break! Sometimes, I relaxed at night, but not without a tremendous amount of guilt. I realized that I actually deserved to have a little time to just be me. Not a housekeeper, or a nurturer. That was the day I let go of the guilt. For me, evenings were the best time of day to have a break. I was already tired and ready for it. I announced to my husband that after 9:00 PM, I was off duty. If the dishes weren’t done, so be it. Whatever was not checked off my list would just have to wait until the next day.
At first, I had a hard time with this new mindset. I heard so many times that it is bad to leave things undone and wake up to a messy house. Although I would try to compensate by working a little harder to finish up the day before the kids went to bed, more often than not, it was not done. I realized that in the morning when I am fresh, I have much more energy to do housework, so that was really my best time of day to get things done.
This new-found freedom of letting go of guilt was amazing. I never looked back. To this day, unless we are leaving on a trip the following morning or I am finishing details for a birthday party or something urgent, I am off the clock once that blessed quiet time comes. Now, I have more children and life is even more busy, and I think that guilt-free time is what keeps me sane. I look forward to it and do not feel an ounce of guilt for hanging up the figurative or literal apron each night.
And you know, I may not have a perfectly tidy house because of it, but I am a better mom because of it. Isn’t that more important anyway?
QUESTION: Think about your typical day. Is there time during your day that you tend to unwind or give time to yourself, but feel guilty about doing so? Maybe for you it is early in the morning or during nap time.
CHALLENGE: Give yourself permission to take this time for yourself each day without feeling guilty.
Edited by Sarah Monson.
Image of dishes from Pricilla Dickinson.
Feature image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Yes this epiphany is such a liberating one! I too leave things undone, knowing that someday they will get done… they will, eventually…But more importantly my sanity, my relationship with my husband & me, myself & my passions can’t and shouldn’t be left in the dust, dirty dishes laundry or other chores that will still be available to concur later.
Good advice for all parents to hear & recognize!
So true and insightful! I am all about having a beautifully clean home and we do work toward that goal during our daily routines…but I’d rather get enough sleep, enjoy quiet moments at the end of the day as well as moments of fun with my family more than always cleaning and putting things away. A friend once jokingly told me, “laundry is a journey, not a destination” that is so true about so much of the cleaning and organizing in our homes when we are raising children. Thanks for sharing!
In parts of German-speaking Europe they have what is called “Feierabend” – a term for an imaginary cut-off time in the late afternoon/evening (determined individually) when whatever has not been done, e.g. dishes, just does not get done. It is a royal decree set by the individual who is empowered, yea, understood and encouraged by those around. It is relished. Just what you decide to do with your “celebration of the evening” (literal meaning) is no one else’s business. Pure delight and no guilt! When you go home at 5 from your work-place everyone is entitled to wish others “einen schoenen Feierabend”! Lovely mind-set to entertain!
Every now and then I read a blog that I feel I could almost have written myself, and this is one! We have three small boys (5, 3, and 19 months), and this is me–every single day!! In the midst of the bedtime routine, usually while lying next to one or the other of the smallest, I will be running down (and adding to) my list of tasks, trying to prioritize it so that depending on how long it takes to get them all to sleep and reach that moment of silence, I will accomplish at least SOMEthing–but almost every night it’s a physical battle to drag myself back to the kitchen or the couch or whatever task. And half the time I fail and flop in front of the computer or with a book or just collapse on my bed–if I haven’t fallen asleep with the kids! lol.. thanks for some much-needed perspective.
The flip side, though, is that I always feel far more clear-headed and productive in the morning when I walk out to a clean and tidy house (especially the kitchen), whereas I feel almost instantly defeated if I have to dig my way out from under a pile of dirty dishes just to prepare breakfast. And the masses start to riot if breakfast isn’t on their plates within about 15 minutes of them waking! So yeah… still need to find a balance!
I leave dishes in my sink too!! Ha ha. I try to get the kitchen cleaned up but when its bedtime and the kids are in bed and once the house is quiet I turn off the lights in the kitchen and enjoy my evening. I’ve found that in the morning as the kids are eating breakfast I have renewed energy and I can quickly get the entire kitchen cleaned up.
Love this! I totally agree and just wrote about this same topic on my blog.
http://amightytower.blogspot.com/2015/04/making-time-for-you.html
I love this IDEA, but I’m struggling to practice it… I don’t check email or facebook notifications during the day when I’m around my kids because I don’t like to be on my phone around them, so the end of the day is the only time I have to check it. And I’m always drowning in them…. I can’t keep up. I’ve unsubscribed from a lot, I’m on facebook less than I used to be, but it still takes me forever. I don’t like to ignore people so I don’t want to just not check… when do you check email and facebook notifications?