When my husband and I married, I was convinced that we would be awesome parents. We were committed to the same things and had the same goals. We were both from good homes and were educated. We were strong in our faith and knew it would provide the spiritual strength our kids would need.
But, while our preparation has been invaluable and our love for our children is almost tangible, something crept into our family that was, at best, unforeseen and uninvited. All of the preparation and schooling in the world would not have prevented it, and now all of the resources and support in the world cannot make it go away. We aren’t fighting cancer, which may come to mind as one of the worst fears of any parent, but we are fighting a very real disease. It is the two-fold disease of anxiety and depression.
While many may think depression should not be compared to cancer (and I would probably agree in many cases), I don’t want to undervalue the heartache, uncertainty, and emotional pain that accompanies a child struggling with mental illness. Both diseases require constant treatment, take a toll on caregiver and patient, and can result in the premature loss of a life.
The reality of anxiety and depression is that you are dealing with an invisible and illogical opponent. Anxiety in kids takes on many forms–from irrational fears, anger, and isolation to school avoidance and withdrawal. Depression can take them even further–to prolonged sleep, self-hate, cutting, and thoughts of suicide.
For a long time I thought I was just failing as a parent when it came to my daughter’s reactions to chores and disappointment. Surely it was something I should be able to discipline out of her.
I felt so isolated when I was the mom running to the car after dropping my daughter off at school, while the principal held her sobbing. Coming to class parties was not an option because that opened the door for another separation scene with tears and frustration for both of us–not to mention how it looked to her peers who looked for opportunities to ridicule.
This all culminated recently with my daughter’s talk of not wanting to live. As I listened to her tell her doctor of ways she had imagined killing herself, I felt so helpless.
In a time where people pride themselves in understanding illnesses and social issues, it amazes me just how misunderstood mental illness is. In fact, I bet for many the words “mental illness” still conjure up visions of insane asylums or serial killers. The misfortune is that no one wants to see this phrase attached to a beautiful child that they know or love, so they deny the problem, looking for ways to skirt around the disease.
I’m tired of this being a lonely battle. I know there are other moms out there who face the same situation, and I think that it is time for more understanding about the seriousness and complexity of mental illness.
I want mothers who are waging this war in their own homes to push away the regret and the guilt. I want them to understand that when you take your kids to get professional help, it is not a sign of weakness and it should never be humiliating.
No words have been more profound to me than those of my kids’ doctor last week, when I petitioned her for help in knowing how to deal with the fact that my daughter wanted to die sometimes. How do I reason with that? Where do I put it in my brain? And, most of all, how should I be treating her?
The doctor told me in no uncertain terms to treat her as though she had cancer: to lower my expectations and to just love her.
So many times I have worried what friends must think when they see her messy room–that I bug and bug and bug her to clean. I have nearly been ill when I’ve had to call the school and excuse her from another day because I just can’t get her to want to be there. And I’ve stressed so much about what her teachers must think about me letting her get away with it. So often I have been bugged by her poor performance in school, thinking she should try harder and excel more. In reality, I have spent a lot of time worrying about how it reflected on me as a mother.
In that moment with our doctor, I was validated. I realized more profoundly that I was dealing with a disease. We were all living with a disease, and we had to own that.
The best news is that there is help out there. Great help. There are doctors who understand the illness and understand what we all go through. They are accessible and have so many more tools than ever before to help you and your children live more complete and functioning lives.
The greatest tragedy, in my mind, is to hope the problem will resolve itself and do nothing. If you think your child might be struggling with a mental illness, remember you are not alone! It is not your fault. There are many others that know your desperation. Embrace the facts, love your kids enough to face the symptoms, and be proactive about seeking help.
Earlier this week, my daughter was happy and laughing. I celebrated. Today she fought going to school. I walked her through it–as I will for many days ahead. But now I will do so differently– with more understanding and with more empathy.
I will worry less about how others view her and me and focus on what she is capable of. I will hope for the chance to keep her here with us and do all that I can to make each day precious. After all, no parent wants the disease to win.
QUESTION: How do you work with emotional and mental health issues in your home?
CHALLENGE: When things aren’t ok, don’t be afraid to seek help.
Image by David Castillo Dominici/Flickr
Thank you for such a real post. I hope for healing for your daughter and others who struggle. Good luck, it sounds as though you are doing a great job.
May I ask how old your daughter is? I didn’t catch it in the story. I’m just wondering. I have a 9 1/2 year old that seems to be entering the very beginning of sputtering hormons, and I often question if that is the only thing going on. I have suffered with depression myself, on and off, for most of my life. I know it in me, but it’s harder to know if I’m projecting myself onto my kids or not. That’s why I ask how old your daughter is. Just to get a clearer picture of your story, but also so I can have more information for my own children. Thank you for writing this. It is something that needs to be recognized and cared for, and relating it to cancer, I believe, was a wise choice for your doctor to do. Thanks again.
This post brought tears to my eyes. One for knowing there are children out there who suffer with something that is not always physically seen and because I battle these same things alongside my daughter. How many times have I had someone tell me she will “get over it”, “outgrow it”, tell me to “get after her more”, etc. I have a child who carries such an incredible burden of worry and fear about things she can’t always explain. The times when she can’t explain to me why she can’t go outside or why we have to leave a crowded store or event. School and socializing present a whole other set of minefields for her. As she starts to approach the teen years, I have no idea what we face. While I consider myself luck in that she hasn’t expressed any desire to harm herself or others, what can you do for a child and parent that are going through those things? I feel truly isolated at times, because no one else seems to understand. Your post shows me that we are not alone and to stay strong. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. Please check into diet. What your child is eating (or not eating) could be affecting her brain. My daughter and I went off of gluten and I can’t believe the difference. Studies have been done about gluten causing depression and anxiety. Here is a link to an interesting article by Dr Mark Hyman
https://www.lef.org/magazine/mag2009/mar2009_Mark-Hyman-Healing-Broken-Brain-Syndrome_01.htm
Good luck.
Thank you for addressing this issue. I know very well what it is to have to go through this. I have a daughter aged 12 who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am a mother deliberately and sometimes kept asking me where did I go wrong, but sought professional help and I know that’s not my fault. I’m still adjusting to this new life and not caring what others think and worry only help her.
Thank you for writing this, Taunie! Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you on her side!
Some mothers dont see these things. Some families dont recognize. There is help for all through NAMI. If you ever need someone go to the website get the number and call. No one is alone. Just in case.
Hugs to you. I appreciate your raw honesty in telling your story. I have family with mental illness and the stigma behind it is so heartbreaking. If your child did have cancer you wouldn’t think twice about having her stay home from school or apologize to others for her behavior. Depression and anxiety are just as real. I hope you have a support group to lean on and I hope more Mothers who are dealing with this can come forward. I have a son who has some interesting behaviors, he is only 7 but I wonder if mental illness plays into it, especially with our family history.
I too, would never negate the horror of losing a child to cancer, but these are points that I believe others could benefit from understanding:
When a child has cancer the ward and neighborhood and extended family rally around to help. When you have a child with a mental illness, things are very different and it can be very isolating and lonely.
When a child has cancer, parents and child unite in their efforts to beat it. When your child has mental illness, it can mean that your child fights you and all that you hold dear.
For some mental illnesses there is no medicine, treatment or cure. When a parent has to face lowering their expectations for their child, one goes through a grief process, mourning the hopes and dreams they once held for that child. This too is a very isolated, lonely experience compared to losing a child to cancer.
If you know a family battling mental illness, acknowledge their pain and heart ache. Your validation might just be the thing to get that family through one more trying day. You can bet that the parents hauling their kids to endless doctors and therapists and court dates and probation meetings and recovery sessions could use a casserole every bit as much as a family battling cancer.
Loralee I think you misunderstood my intent with my comment. I have close family with mental illness, I was trying to say It is as valid as cancer to give yourself and child a break. It is unfortunate that church and the community don’t rally around those with mental illness like they do kids with cancer etc. I have very tender feelings towards those who deal with this on a regular basis.
Cheryl! No! I wasn’t responding to your comment at all! I whole-heartedly agree with all you said. I was just coming from my own experiences. Bless you on this journey with your son…
Thank you for this beautiful post!! Been there, done that, STILL there, STILL doing that. It is terribly heartbreaking. Our family has done this AND cancer and they are DEFINITELY comparable. If I had to pick one, it might be hard to choose. In any event, we have received a tremendous amount of garbage at the hands of members of our church who don’t get it at all, leaders who told me I just needed to be a better parent and he would be all better, leaders who thought that where he went to school was the problem, etc etc. I wish there was some sort of social networking for LDS parents of kids with these issues. It’s something that needs to be talked about by those with experience. It can be so very lonely.
My teenage daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after an extended stay in an inpatient psychiatric ward. I will always be so grateful for the doctor that worked hard to diagnose the condition and to find the treatments that would help her. That was three years ago and she is doing great. One of the most helpful things I did during this time was take a class from the National Association of Mental Illness for family members of the mentally ill. I also went to counseling myself just to help me handle all of the different emotions and challenges that would come up. Take care of yourself and give my love to your daughter. Let her know that there are others that have been through it and we want the best for her.
Thank you for this wonderful post! It took me several years to figure out that the root of our eldest child’s problems was anxiety! I didn’t know where to turn for answers until one day, finally, it came out that my husbands side of the family suffers from social anxiety disorder. I wish someone had told me sooner!! WE had no idea, as nobody ever talked about it. (Which is another problem with misunderstanding mental illness–the fact that people keep it hush-hush) It was such a relief when I finally found out what to do and sought professional help. That was the hardest but best decision we ever made for our six year old son. He is doing great now with the tools we’ve learned, and we are all so much happier in our home! We chose to homeschool because he is happiest in the loving, secure environment of his family. Bringing him to school would’ve created too many other problems that we’re not ready to deal with til he’s older and better equipped with the skills he needs to thrive.
Cancer isn’t hard. It’s catching a rainbow in one’s life. So, is mental illness. Catch the ticket God hands to each and everyone of us, make the best of it. Will you? Each pancake needs to be flipped. Each cheek needs to be turned. Each camel can be thread through the needle. Anyway, just a few words to…invite contemplation to be add action to the invitation extended.
I’m glad for my stage 4 cancer and the mental illness that runs in my family. Without these none of our lives would challenge the worldly, tv culture. Fitting in is…such a…goofy…
Anyway, in case anyone reads this… Life is for loving!