Before my son was born, I thought that preparation would be the key to parenting. I read lots of books and made assessments based on what I observed from my friends’ parenting challenges. I thought it was lucky that I would be on the “older” side when I became a mother because it gave me a chance to learn from the mistakes of my siblings and friends.
What I hadn’t counted on was that parenting throws curve balls and that all the parenting books in the world aren’t going to help you figure out your own style as a parent.
During my pregnancy, I planned on a natural childbirth and thoroughly researched birth options. I hired a doula as a birthing coach, made a birth plan, and practiced breathing and birthing exercises religiously for months before my due date.
A few hours into labor, however, I begged for an epidural and refused to do any of the breathing or labor exercises that I had practiced. Near the end of labor, I was rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section after my son’s heart rate dropped. I had never even considered the possibility that I would have a difficult delivery and recovery, but what I had not planned for turned out to be my reality.
From there, my plans for parenting continued to crumble. I’d planned to breastfeed for a year after my son was born. During pregnancy, I took a breastfeeding class and bought breast pumps and all of the equipment, books, and clothing that I thought I would need.
But after the first few weeks of his life, my son developed colic, and we discovered that he had a severe milk and soy allergy. With input from a pediatric gastroenterologist, I chose to start feeding him hypoallergenic formula. I felt tremendous guilt because, again, I had broken one of my parenting vows.
Next, I planned to develop good sleep habits and routines for my newborn so that “cry it out” or other more drastic sleep training techniques would never be necessary. Before my son was born, I read about infant sleep patterns and methods for assisting babies to learn how to sleep through the night.
Despite my planning (are you noticing a pattern here yet?), by the time he was four months old, my son was still waking up every two hours. He had no sleep routine, despite our continuous efforts to help him develop them. He was miserable and we were miserable. We eventually hired a sleep consultant, and after several rounds of sleep training, my son became a happier, healthier baby.
I could go on and on, citing other examples from my son’s first year and a half. It was all the same pattern, and it took me many months to figure it out: I would develop a plan for how I would parent, based on research and experts, and then our situation or my son’s personality (or mine) wouldn’t work with my “plan.” I’d be disappointed and feel guilty for not parenting in the “right” way.
He is now almost two. I realized the other day that I haven’t picked up a parenting book for a long time. During the last few weeks, my son developed problems with his napping, often refusing to nap, but it didn’t occur to me to consult an “expert.” Instead, I relied on my own intuition about what has worked in the past and my son’s temperament.
Reflecting on this, I’ve realized that all of my experiences in “failure” as a parent have actually helped me to become a better parent. What is often missing in all the debates about parenting styles and research is the key ingredient to good parenting: flexibility.
No matter what you think your parenting style will be or is, just know that life doesn’t always work out exactly as you plan. Kids respond to different approaches. You may want to co-sleep more than anything in the world, but your kid may hate it, or you may not be able to sleep well, or your spouse may hate it. You may believe breastfeeding is always best, but you might have trouble and decide that it’s not working for your family. Be open to the possibilities: for me now, that’s what “good” parenting is.
QUESTION: How have you adapted your parenting style to fit your children’s and your needs?
CHALLENGE: Be flexible in your parenting approach. Use your instinct, rather than relying only on what experts say to help you make decisions for your child.
Image Source: Jessica Smock
This would be such a helpful article for any new mom or mom to be. More moms need to give themselves a break from guilt and embrace the flexibility you mentioned. Great job!
My husband blamed those parenting books for making me question myself too much as a “good” mom when my kids were younger. He was very, very happy when I got rid of them. You can’t plan a lot of things that happen. Kids get sick, develop allergies, and all other kinds of things that change everything. It’s all part of a bigger plan that we can’t necessarily plan for! 😉
This is the second article I’ve read on this site in three days-why have I never heard of it before this week? This is great!
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This is oh so familiar to me! Everything I “planned” for my baby just did not go as planned! It was humbling, but I learned and grew so much. Thanks for the great essay!
I think we have live the same life in some ways! I went through many of the same things, first with childbirth (my third was an emergency c-section too), the severe colic that prevented breastfeeding success (also an allergy to soy and milk) and the sleep issues. In the younger years with my girls, it seemed the only thing I could count on was change! Every time we seemed to get in the flow with napping, eating habits etc, they would change it up and I would have to adjust.
Now, as I have a young teen, 9 yr-old and 6 yr-old, I parent much more on instinct. I try to see their needs and meet them as much as possible.
It took me much longer to give up the parenting books. I kept hoping someone had the answers for me. Learning to trust yourself as a mom is a huge accomplishment!
Thank you! Amy, you have it so right: the only thing you can count on as a parent is change. It’s important to have knowledge and information, but just as important is going with what your instincts tell you as a mom! And, Rachel, that’s a great word for it: “humbling”!
I have eaten SO many words as a Mom. My child will NEVER….have a dirty face, throw a tantrum in public, have an accident in kindergarten. Yes all of those and more have happened to me and made me eat humble pie.
I agree with you that we need to rely on our intuition as Moms and let that be our guide. Parenting books can help and give ideas, but should never take over that inborn instinct.
Oh my goodness, thank you for this article! I also felt so much guilt when things didn’t happen “by the book.” Looking back, I think I prepared maybe for having a baby too much, in the sense that I relied on what I had studied instead of my own intuition. The hardest part was dealing with the guilt. Once I even threw a book about sleep routines across the room! I would get so frustrated when things weren’t “working how they were supposed to,” or when I couldn’t find an answer to my problem in a book. And I felt like I was a bad mom for not doing what I read in this book or that. I felt SO much better when I finally put them all away! 🙂
Jessica, this is such a refreshing post! I love how you have been so thoughtful and deliberate about your decisions–but then how you’ve also learned to be flexible and gentle with yourself. You are a great example.
Oh! I remember the days when I was still carrying my first baby inside my tummy. I was a lot like you. I did a lot of researching and stuff. Although some of the things actually helped, there are just some things that you won’t expect to happen. And when these things happen, tell yourself that you can handle it. You know what’s best for your kids better than any one and any books. 🙂
I had to learn – and am still learning – many of the same lessons. It’s a fine line to walk between being responsible for your child and accepting that you cannot control them. It’s what makes parenting one of the hardest jobs on earth: you’re fully responsible for someone who is dependent on you, but they are not a robot you can program or always predict! Many other things we do in life are more formulaic, so adjusting to this incredibly significant and demanding role is, well, probably a lifelong process! (I tend to recoil at the concept of “process” – I want to be perfect NOW! Lol!)
At least we can come to appreciate the ways in which we are growing and maturing right along with our children…that in itself is, to me, one of the greatest gifts of being a mom. Thanks for the wonderful article!
I found for all my preparation things turned out to be different…not completely different, but certainly different in extent. I have also ended up with emergency c-section followed by multiple infections and PTSD. When I was pregnant I planned to breastfeed for 6 months but if it didn’t work out – no problem. Planned to co-sleep occasionally for lovely baby snuggles. Planned to occasionally use sling in the first months for trips to the park…Well, how shocked I was when turned out that breastfeeding was massively important to me and was a huge comfort to my newborn. Co-sleeping was the only way to get any rest during the night and babywearing during the day. So occasionally turned into A LOT :)) I only stopped baby-wearing when my son turned 2 and still breastfeed and co-sleep at 3. Did I plan for it? Hell NO! But it is ok. Because we are doing what works for our family, not what I THOUGHT would work or what I PLANNED would work. Maybe this makes life more interesting.. but flexibility is definitely key 🙂
Having said that – if you get that nagging feeling that something that’s seemingly not working out is very important to you – get a second, third and forth opinion. Not because “a book says so”, but because something is importnat to you. If you feel like there should be a way to breastfeed a colicky child – look into it. If something doesn’t feel right – trust yourself and see if something can be done.
Only a few parenting books are evidence-based, the opinion-based ones are not reliable. Here are the evidenced-based ones I know of: Parenting with Reason, Incredible Years, The Everyday Parenting Toolkit, Kazdin Method, The Power of Positive Parenting and other books by Glenn Latham, Living with Children by Patterson, books and DVDs from Boys Town Press.
The only one of these that covers newborn issues is Parenting with Reason, it’s a good shower gift since the mom needs it before birth avoid common mistakes on day one. The others are for 2 years and older, but the Incredible Years website has some for parenting younger kids.
Parenting with Reason perhaps would have helped you with the sleep issues, but I don’t think it would have helped with the medical issues that prevented breastfeeding.
I cried the first two weeks, from sleep deprivation, after my firstborn got choked while nursing. Because I was recovering from a c-section, it was difficult to maneuver him into a better position. Then, he required surgery for a bilateral hernia repair. He was a leisure nurser, so it was as though I was always nursing. My best friend’s dad asked, “Diana Yvonne, what’s all that crying about.” Me: “He’s not doing what the books say.” Him: “Diana Yvonne, that baby hasn’t read a book. He’s writing his own book.” Thus ended the tears.