Read this article and/or scroll down to watch the author talk about the main points in a recent TV interview.
As deliberate mothers, we would never dream of ignoring our children. We’re all about looking them in the eye, validating their feelings, and helping them feel important and heard. Right?
Tonight as I was working on this post, I had one child on the bed next to me asking for homework help, another child telling me all the details of tonight’s orchestra concert, and another child insisting I smell their breath and guess what they ate. This is every day life with kids that every mother can relate to, and as a deliberate mother, I definitely try to give my children as much time and attention as I think they need (and that I can muster). However, sometimes I wonder if I can give them too much of a good thing.
Yes, sometimes I wonder if deliberate mothers aren’t a little too susceptible to becoming “helicopter parents” and getting “mommy burnout” as they try to do/be/give all that they can for the “sake” of their children. (In many cases, this isn’t good for the mothers or their children.) While I agree that it’s absolutely vital to acknowledge and validate a child’s feelings, I actually think there are times when the best thing you can do for them is to simply ignore them. No, I don’t mean literally pretending they don’t exist, but I do mean not giving another thought to what they are saying or doing in the name of doing what you know is right. So in my humble opinion, the following are times when it is okay to ignore your children:
- When your baby is crying so hard and so long that you think you might hurt them. (Ignore, shut the door, and walk away. Ask a friend, family member or neighbor to watch your baby so you can take a break if necessary.)
- When your toddler is screaming and flailing because you put their shoes on the “wrong” way. (Ignore, don’t yell or belittle.)
- When your preschooler is having a tantrum at the grocery store because you didn’t buy the box of Cocoa Puffs.(Ignore, don’t give in and buy them.)
- When your school age child says they can’t go to school/do their homework/practice their instrument/do their chores because they aren’t feeling well–and they were just running around the house like a ninny. (Ignore, and insist they do their responsibilities.)
- When your tween tells you they hate you because you wouldn’t let them (fill in the blank) like all their friends. (Ignore, and know they really do love you for having boundaries.)
- When your teenager says they don’t want you to check them out of school for lunch on their birthday or tuck them in at night. Really. (Ignore, and do it anyway. They need it and they like it.)
- When your young adult is guilt tripping you for not letting them come home and live with you for free because they can’t find a job. (Wow! And you thought a crying baby was hard! Ignore, and stick your guns. They need to find a job or work for you to help pay expenses.)
Ignoring your children is hard for a variety of reasons and at every stage of motherhood. No one ever wants to hear crying, whining, complaining, insults, manipulation, or words of rebellion from one of their children. It’s natural to want to make them “happy” and immediately solve their “problems” by doing whatever it is they say they want. It’s much harder to be the bad guy and do for them what you know they need. But as hard as it is to ignore all of the above, it may be even harder to ignore the voices in your own head telling you that you’re wrong, you’re not going to follow through, it’s not worth it, or you’re just plain mean. Hang in there and ignore the voices, Mom! Because the truth is, the “mean” mom who ignores her children is often the best mom of all.
Heather bell says
Well I was just thinking about this very topic! Sometimes we are too indulgent as mothers and don’t want to miss a second but in that desperation to be so present we might be inhibiting their independence. Today I read a few pages if a book (shock!!) on the couch and my little boy read his own book. In the back of my mind I was thinking I should be talking/playing etc with him but no! We all need some good “ignoring” sometimes. He was happy and so was I. Life doesn’t have to be full of engaging activities to be full. Phew. Sorry for the overload. Looks like I need to get writing and get so e stuff out!
Mary Jenkins says
My little kindergartner was not lining up like he was supposed to for school. His teacher had called him over and he didn’t listen. So then I called to him with the “mommy voice” we all know, and with a frown he left the playground and went to line up. I calmly told him that when his teacher called to line up he needed to do so and he said ok. We hugged and he was fine. Then one of his little classmates looked at me and said, “You don’t have to be so mean!” I had not raised my voice or shown any sign of being frustrated other than clarifying what the rules are. It made me wonder what the rules were at this boy’s house for him to think THAT was being mean!
Ginny Kubitz Moyer says
I was just thinking about this tonight, too! (clearly you and Heather and I are in synch). I’ve realized that I have a tendency, with my youngest, to come to his aid anytime he calls for help with dressing, etc. In fact, he’s capable of doing it all himself … and I don’t want to make him lazy by doing it for him.
My problem is that I often feel guilty for not WANTING to go help him … so, in an effort to stamp out my mom-guilt, I go do it. This just keeps him relying on me for tasks he can do himself. I need to remind myself that in cases like this, ignoring him doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom; it’s actually the sign of a loving mom who wants her kid to develop the independence he’ll need later.
Thanks for the article. It is so validating for moms to read pieces like this.
Koni Smith says
Amen, sister! Thanks for putting words to many of my thoughts! Our kids (and we) need this.
RRhonda says
Yep. I agree!!! (And I love that you used the word ninny ;))
sildenafil says
It’s spooky how clever some ppl are. Thanks!