In less than a week, my family–and probably yours–will be back into the swing of a new school year. (We may be barely squeaking along, just trying to gain momentum after coming off our summer vacation schedule, but we’ll be swinging just the same!) And like most mothers, along with shopping for new shoes and school supplies I’ll also be making decisions about what activities to sign up for this coming year. I’m not just talking about piano lessons, soccer, or dance class, I’m also talking about room mother, PTA treasurer, or yearbook designer!
You may have already attended a school event similar to the one that happens at my children’s school every year. You know, the one where you’re met at the door by five long tables covered in sign up sheets asking you to volunteer your life away for the next nine months. Before you get too zealous in your desire to be the supermom that leads every committee and throws the classiest class party, I hope you’ll consider a few things to help you prioritize your time, energy, and ability to do everything your heart desires.
There can be a world of difference between what you want to do, what is best to do, and what you actually have the time and energy to do. And in my opinion, real balance and satisfaction come when what you want to do is what is best to do, and you can actually do it. But this isn’t the same for every mother, and it also changes according to the seasons of life, so perhaps one of the most important things to consider when choosing how to spend your time and energy as a mother is what stage you are in.
We often talk about the stages our children go through, from the terrible two’s to the terrifying teens, but mothers go through stages as well, and it’s important to identify the stage you are in before farming out your time and energy to things that might leave you and your family feeling drained, resentful, or out of whack.
Here’s one way to look at the different stages of motherhood:
The baby/toddler/preschool years. This is the stage of motherhood that can seem the longest to those in the middle of it. It’s the stage when children rely on their mom the most, both physically as well as emotionally. When babies and young children need help with everything from wiping their noses and bums to getting in car seats and bed, it can leave a newly shell shocked mother wondering if she will ever have a minute to herself again. When mothers in this stage run into that grandmotherly woman in the grocery store who encourages her to enjoy every minute of that preschooler screaming for a ding dong because “they grow up so fast,” she wants to scream herself!
But let’s talk about it for a minute. Assuming our children live with us for 18 or 19 years, those years comprises only one-fourth of a typical adult’s life. And the most crucial years when our children are young and so easily influenced by us take less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. My point? Life really is long, despite the popular phrase to the contrary, and there will be an end to the temper tantrums and diaper rash.
When I was discussing this idea of life being long in a class I was teaching, one mom told me about her 68-year-old mother who has 40 flute students, enjoys traveling to see her grandchildren, and is otherwise living a very full life. Assuming my health keeps up, that’s still another 28 years down the road for me, and 14 years after my youngest child leaves home! The moral of the story is that you have a lot of years to be your child’s room mother, so maybe the year you just had another baby isn’t one of them.
The in between years. This is the stage in which I currently find myself. I have a very competent teenager in junior high school, two other middle children who also go to school all day, and a preschooler who is home with me most of the time. The tricky part of this stage is juggling the needs of my children of such varying ages. For instance, my teenager doesn’t want to go to the children’s museum with the rest of the family anymore, and the preschooler doesn’t always cooperate when I have to help the older ones with homework or piano practice. But because I have older children I also have a lot more help around the house, as well as help with that preschooler. I definitely feel like I have a little more leeway to take on a few personal projects – like this blog!
The school years. I have already learned that having children in school all day is not as dreamy as it seems. The attendant schedule, homework, and extracurricular activities make it so that you’d better finish “everything else” during those hours when they are gone because once they get home it’s like a race to finish line (bedtime)! But having the ability to do “everything else” without a crying baby on your hip is an obvious plus.
The other in between years. This is the stage when some of the kids have already left the nest while some are still at home. I can only imagine how tricky it must be to help a college freshmen get settled or try to plan a wedding while simultaneously taking care of children still at home. But then again, this might be the best time in life to go ahead and volunteer your brains out at the junior high!
The empty nest years. From what I hear, these years can be just as busy depending on the number and location of grandchildren, but with half the energy! Even so, I can’t help but look forward to these years when I won’t be woken up by a baby, or kept up by a teenager. Here’s to hoping my husband and I will still be in good health so we can enjoy every minute of the “golden years” of grand parenting!
Yes, the Byrds had it right when they quoted Ecclesiastes: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” And as we mothers start another school year full of opportunity and potential, it’s my hope that we will be mindful of the season (stage) we are in so that we can best prioritize our precious and limited resources of time and energy.
QUESTION: How do you decide which activities work for both you and your children?
CHALLENGE: Take one or two things off your list that you already know are going to create more stress than they’re worth.
Telena says
Allyson, thanks for this post. I just had this very experience when I went in to register my son for school the other day. A neighbor of mine is in the PTA and asked me if I was going to join. I quickly said, “No, I’m not.” as I considered what is already on my plate. I did walk away wondering what she must be thinking about my lack of willingness to volunteer. Your comments remind me that we do each have stages in our lives, and she and I are in different stages now. There will be times in the future for me to be on the PTA, but this is probably not the year. Thanks again.
Lin says
Amen, amen, amen!!! Last year I had my first child start kindergarten. For some crazy reason, I signed up to be room mom, volunteered to come every week and do an art lesson in class, volunteered to swap babysitting for preschool, all the while I still had two preschoolers at home. Then I found out I was pregnant, to top it all off (12 weeks of nausea)! After a few months of feeling emabarassed and guilty for my failure to live up to my commitments, I finally fessed up to the teacher and told her I had lost my mind and that in reality I can’t volunteer 40 hrs. (charter school requirement) right now. It’s not my season. When all of my kids are in school, I will be more than happy to do that, but right now, I’m need more at home.
Thanks for the reminder again.