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Sometimes I have meltdowns.
The stresses of life seem to pile on top of me, and occasionally life feels too hard.
I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. Challenges are just part of life, right?
But instead of responding in our heads with questions like, “Why do I have to go through this?” or “Why am I the only one struggling here?” I’d like to start a collective movement where we consistently ask ourselves a better question:
What does this challenge make possible?
This idea came from one of my favorite leadership bloggers, and as I’ve been applying it to my life, my eyes have opened to a whole new perspective.
Here are a few examples:
About a year ago, my then-eighth grader, Alia, never knew where to sit at lunch. Her friends were scattered all over the school campus in a variety of groups, and she never felt quite comfortable sitting in one place. She would hop from bench to bench during lunch–which was fine, but I kept worrying about her and hoping she could find “that group” of close-knit friends, like I had in junior high.
Well, it turns out that because she wasn’t beholden to a single group of friends, she was able to meet up with a darling 7th grader named Lia who had been adopted from China one year earlier. Lia was just learning English, and because of her cerebral palsy, she was in a wheelchair and sat near her class of other children with special needs.
Alia and Lia hit it off. They spent each lunch period talking, laughing, and coloring. And every day Alia would come home with pictures of flowers or hearts Lia had drawn for her–along with the words, “Alia I love.”
Before long, several of Alia’s other friends started joining her and Lia as they ate, and as I watched their relationships grow and observed the impact it had on all the girls, I realized that Alia “not knowing where to sit at lunch” was one of the best things that could have happened to her.
Five years ago, when my children were smaller (see photo to the right), I had a series of three surgeries that basically left me in bed for months at a time.
It was difficult to walk. I didn’t have the energy to clean the house. I couldn’t live the active lifestyle I felt my children deserved.
Now I can see that my time in recovery made dozens of amazing things possible.
My children learned to help vacuum, cook, and clean bathrooms. Our family quiet times weren’t an option, so they became a habit we continue today. We learned that we could have a lot of fun–even if we didn’t sign up for a bunch of extracurricular activities.
I owe the beauty of our current simple lifestyle to the principles we learned during those hard years.
This final story is one that I think of every day.
For the past couple of years, I have been making weekly trips to Long Beach to care for my mom, who is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s.
These visits are difficult physically, because it’s an hour drive each way, I take all four of my children with me, and caring for my mom’s basic needs (and those of my children) requires quite a bit of stamina.
But it’s the emotional part that’s the hardest for me. Some weeks she’s stable, but other weeks I see steep declines.
Although she hasn’t been able to walk or drive for several years, we used to be able to assist her into her wheelchair and go on little excursions.
Now, although her spirits are great and her smile is still beautiful, she’s in bed full time.
I wish I could adequately explain how much I love her, and I wish I could say I’ve always been strong through this, but it often feels like a long, painful, heart-wrenching process of losing my best friend.
A recent experience with my daughter, however, reminded me to look at this challenge carefully and think about what it makes possible.
I was really sick one Sunday and couldn’t get out of bed. My children (especially my 11-year-old, Grace) took such good care of me. Grace made muffins, cleaned the whole downstairs, and waited on me hand and foot. Seriously, she wouldn’t let me do anything.
Later that night, while she and I were loading the dishwasher, I said, “Thanks for helping me so much today. You were amazing.”
She responded by saying simply this: “If you get old and lose your memory, I want you to know you can trust me.”
I guess I should have realized all along that any time spent caring for another person has a greater impact than we can see.
This includes everything that you and I are doing today as deliberate mothers.
And doesn’t it make life easier when we recognize a purpose in the times that are tough and step back for a moment to look at the bigger picture?
We may just realize that the situations we desperately hope will go away are the very experiences we need in order to reach our potential.
Our day-to-day struggles might still overwhelm us, at times, but we are not alone.
There’s a deeper meaning to all this heartache.
There are beautiful rewards behind these frustrations.
And if we can adjust our perspectives for just a moment and look at what’s really happening, I have absolutely no doubt that incredible things are possible.
QUESTION: Have you gone through a difficult time–and then later recognized a greater purpose in it?
CHALLENGE: If you’re currently going through something that you “wish would go away,” take a moment to ask, “What does this challenge make possible?”
April: This is so beautiful! I needed this today. Every challenge DOES make something possible – and we can choose whether to focus on what the challenge is taking from us or what the challenge is offering us. There’s always something good we can gain, no matter how hard the challenge. I’m going to make a list of what I’m gaining from a few of my heavy challenges right now. Thanks so much for this.
Thanks so much, Saren. (I’m making my list, too.) You handle the hard stuff so well. I am grateful to be your friend.
April, Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. My life has taken a big change. I started teaching school (half day kindergarten) this year. Although I love the job immensely, and it is a huge blessing for our family, it is a very heavy burden/load to carry along with being a deliberate mother. This article helped me remember that somethings are just plain hard but with a little positivity, faith and endurance, not only can we find peace, but we often come to find the deeper reasons and rewards that were not apparent in the beginning.
Brooke, thanks for sharing a little bit about your life. I am sure you are a WONDERFUL kindergarten teacher, but even still, I can completely understand how tricky it can be to balance a busy life with deliberate motherhood. I am totally confident in your ability to handle your responsibilities, and I will be thinking of you.
Thank you April, I needed to read this!
Thanks for your continual support, Cheryl! xo
April, this was a great article! You are such an amazing role model. Your children are fantastic and you are such a good example for them! I absolutely love what Grace said to you. What a reminder that our children are always watching us, for better or for worse! She has seen all the magnificent loving care that you’ve been providing for your mom and is already willing and able to take on the same role if and when it’s needed. I’m so impressed that she can make muffins at age 11! I need to start giving my almost 9 year old some lessons in the kitchen! 🙂 Thanks again for all you do – you have no idea what a positive impact Power of Moms and MOM makes on my life on a regular basis!! xoxo
This means so much, Katrina. I’m thrilled to know that Power of Moms and MOM are helpful. We put our hearts into this organization, and I’m grateful that our work is worth it.
And yes, teaching my children to cook has been wonderful! We’re not fancy or anything, but our time together in the kitchen creates stronger relationships, and I don’t have to make everything myself anymore!
Thanks for being part of Power of Moms.
Thank you so much for always being in tune with what deliberate mothers need to hear. I found Power of Moms at a time in my life that was dark and difficult. I learned so much during that time and what I love is that my search for answers and help led me to this wonderful community. That is an ongoing blessing that I am so grateful for.
Bethany, we are SO grateful to have you with us at Power of Moms. I loved meeting you at our Retreat, and I am grateful for your example as a deliberate mother.
Love you, April! Thank you so much for being able to say what I often feel, but don’t know how to put the words to. How grateful for the things I have learned during challenges and those things that became possible that wouldn’t have been possible without those challenges!
You are a WONDERFUL example of this, Koni! Thank you for all your support. You inspire me.
This is beautiful, thanks for sharing.
Beautifully written, April, and a needed reminder! I also think Power of Moms has had a huge impact on me and my family.
Thank you–it means a lot to hear that. So glad you’re in our community!
HI. Thanks for being open about your difficulties. My dad was just put in a home for his dementia/Alzheimer’s last week. I have had a very difficult time dealing with this decision that I wasn’t involved with. He still remembers so much from his past though. He is two hours away. I wish he was closer so I can visit more often. I feel guilty going on with daily activities and having fun when he is in a home. I know he may not remember us visiting him or he might. I don’t know how much they do. I want to do more. I am burdening myself thinking about it. What does this make possible? To teach my children good things out of everything. Laugh about his funny memories and when he repeats himself.Don’t take things too seriously or personal. 🙂 Thanks again for the article!
Abby, thank you for your comment. I can definitely relate to the feelings you’re having–feeling guilty for enjoying your life when your dad is struggling. Here’s something that’s helped me. I just ask myself, “If my mom could really talk with me right now, what would she want me to be doing with my life?” I know for a surety that she would say, “April, don’t worry about me. I have lived a long, great life. You need to have joy every day. Love your children. Be there for them. Enjoy your time as a family.”
This idea helps me to let go of that burden I feel tempted to carry. It’s still hard, but it makes it so much better.
Thinking of you!
Thank you. Each positive thought helps! I just saw this quote and it seems to go along with this wonderful post. “The BIGGER your challenges, the BIGGER your opportunity for growth.”
Thanks again and keep staying happy. 🙂
I really needed this – thank you. Also, I saw you at timeout for women in March. I was too shy to go up and say hi, but I was so touched by how sweetly you were taking care of your mom. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Evaly! I wish I could have given you a hug at Time Out for Women! If you see me again, please don’t be shy, okay? 🙂
Thanks for your comments and for being a part of our community. I’m so grateful to have you here. Wishing you the best!
Wow, April. This was so timely for me. I have been going through a very challenging time lately. I’m in the early stages of pregnancy with my third child, and am struggling with intense all-day sickness and exhaustion, and just doing the day to day is a huge struggle. But I am so blessed to have 2 beautiful healthy children, and a wonderful husband and a life growing inside of me. I just need to remember that! Thanks you for all that you and Saren do to encourage and inspire us.
Fatima, I don’t know if there are many things harder than trying to keep up with a busy life when you are sick with pregnancy. I’m glad that you are able to focus on the beautiful blessings of motherhood and family life–even in the midst of the challenges. My pregnancies were hard on me, as well, and sometimes I felt like I was going crazy, but having an understanding of the importance of motherhood helped me to get through. (And you’ll appreciate your health and energy SO much!) Thinking of you and wishing you a healthy pregnancy!
I am new to Power of Moms, actually yesterday I joined. I love this article! Thank you for sharing and reminding us that we all go through trials, but it is what we allow ourselves to learn from them that makes a differencein our lives.
Alishia, welcome to Power of Moms! We are so glad that you’re here with us, and I really appreciate your comment here. I love how you phrased it: “Allowing ourselves to learn.” That is EXACTLY it. So many times I feel like my efforts don’t pay off, but when I can really look at the learning that’s taking place, it makes the struggles worth it. Have a wonderful day, and thanks again for stopping by!
Beautifully written, April. Thanks for the shift of focus.
Thanks Amanda! We’re so glad to have you as one of our Power of Moms authors!
This one is such a gem. Such an important life lesson for everyone of course, but how important to put this principle to work in our everyday lives as mothers since it is so often a very challenging responsibility full of difficult situations. So beautifully explained here in detail through your personal experiences. Thank you.
Thank YOU Allyson! The more I talk with other mothers, the more I see that EVERYONE is going through tough situations. You are such a dear friend, and I appreciate all your support. xo
You and your mother share the same beautiful smile.
I have witnessed the devastating impact of Alzheimer’s in my own family. My prayers are with you and your mother as you move through this journey together.
Thank you so much, Tory!
April, I love this idea of “possibilities” emerging from our challenges. In fact…a year ago I was emailing a friend of mine about an experience we shared when her husband’s health was failing and she was dealing with some of the same challenges you are dealing with at this time. We were comparing and contrasting the challenges of young motherhood vs. the experienced mother caring for her spouse. I hope to send a finished product of our conversations to you as I will actually be getting together with her in person next week. Hopefully it will be of use to you or the POM community as whole…but it encapsulates this same idea. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us as the feelings you describe resonate with many mothers out there!
You are teaching your children the best lesson…how to react and handle adversity. I don’t always handle it gracefully and I do acknowledge that I am very blessed. Many have far greater challenges to cope with! As my family is dealing with early stages of Alzheimer’s would love to know any resources you found worthwhile.