It was one of those mornings. The toast was burnt, the homework was lost, and I was desperately trying to comb my hair into submission so I would look decent enough to walk my daughter to the bus stop. As I threw on my “outside” sweats and an old college t-shirt, I looked in the mirror at my disheveled self.
My husband and daughter walked in, alerting me to the time. What then followed was something unforgettable, and to this day, I still ponder its meaning.
“Honey, the bus is going to be here soon. Are you ready?” my husband asked kindly.
“I know, I know, I’m just trying to find something that looks decent. My hair won’t cooperate, this shirt has holes in it, and these sweats! I’m such a mess!” I said.
Without missing a beat, my sweet girl piped up and said, “I’m a mess too!”
She said it with such enthusiasm and joy that it made my head whip around, and I was confused as to why she said it.
I responded,“Margaret, you are not a mess!”
Yet, she persisted, “No, I want to be a mess too!” Time seemed to stand still as I tried to process what had just happened.
Did my five-year-old know what being “a mess” meant? No, that much was obvious. So then why was it something she wanted to be? Then it hit me: Being a mess was something I had called myself. My daughter showed me such love in that moment as she told me she wanted to be just like me. If I called myself something, she thought it must be something good.
I have always heard that “kids are sponges.” They repeat everything they hear, the good and the bad. Even knowing that, I did not fully realize that the way I view myself and talk about myself is going to directly affect my children.
My daughter is at a stage where she does not always understand the negative things I say about myself, but at some point she will. I would never say some of the things I say to myself to my daughter, or to anyone else for that matter. Half of the time I don’t even mean it. So why is it okay to say it to myself? Is that what I want her to learn? Absolutely not.
This entire experience got me thinking, What DO I want my daughter to know? When she sees me standing in front of a mirror and pulls up a stool to stand with me, what do I want her to be thinking about? Since there are so many forms of “beauty” out there, should I be so focused on outer appearance?
To change negative-self talk, I came up with three specific, positive things to
focus on when my daughter and I look in the mirror.
Being beautiful is more than looking like models in magazines. It is not limited or restricted to a certain size, skin color, or physical feature. Beauty encompasses everything about a person—how they look and who they are as well. Beauty can be found in a smile, a comforting hug, or a kind word.
My children are beautiful whether they are dressed up for church on Sunday or covered in mud from head to toe from playing outside. Being beautiful has less to do with appearance and more to do with a good attitude.
Talents are wonderful gifts we are given to cultivate, and they help us realize our potential. I know that I feel great about myself when I finally master a piano piece or perfect a new recipe. Talents also take the form of things such as being a good
listener and looking for the good in others.
Knowing and using our talents can help fill up our bucket so when those doubts and fears start to fill our minds, especially if we are getting caught in the comparison trap, we can focus on specific things that we ARE good at. Everyone has talents, and we should seek them out and encourage our children to as well.
Regardless of who you are or where you come from, the sheer fact that you exist means you are of worth! Oh how I wish all the daughters, mothers, and sisters of this generation believed this. Beyond the blogs, beyond Pinterest, beyond anything we think we can or cannot do, we are divine human beings with a purpose.
It is easy for us to see this within our children. As we teach them, by nature, they make
mistakes and stumble; yet we love them no less, sometimes even more, during those moments. We as mothers need to let go of the “mommy guilt” and perfectionism and accept who we are. Every woman is beautiful because she has infinite worth.
I learned a huge lesson on that busy morning, one that I think about often. Now when I begin to think something negative about myself, I immediately try to change it. I realize I am influencing my children’s perception of me, as well as their perception of themselves. My hope is that when my daughter is asked who she is, she will only have wonderful and positive things to say about herself.
QUESTION: What do you want your children to know? How can you focus more on the positive in your own life and teach that skill to your children?
CHALLENGE: Our children are so great at seeing the good in us. They tend to be quick to forgive even our worst mistakes and just as quick to applaud even our smallest of accomplishments. Try to focus this week on viewing yourself through your children’s eyes. Look for the good and replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
This is such a great article! Negative self-talk is SO prevalent in our society. Thank you for this reminder about being more positive with ourselves and teaching our children what’s truly important in life. You are a great mom!
Thanks Rachel! You are so right, it is all over our society. I think we can all be a little more gentle with ourselves.
Thank you so much for sharing, I totally needed to read this.
You are so welcome! Thanks for your comment. We all need a boost sometimes, right?
Thank you for this article Mary! It really reminded me that I need to be more conscious about what I say about myself around my daughter. She’s younger than yours, but she still soaks it all in. It would even better if I can replace my negative thoughts, but we’ll go one step at a time 😉
Thank you for your comment Jenna! I agree, it is all about baby steps. 🙂
Rachel, what a powerful lesson! Thank you so much for your insight. It’s amazing how our children mirror us.
Thanks Natalie!
I love this post! I am so guilty of doing negative self-talk in my head and out loud. And yet I would never judge others that harshly. Thank you for the reminder!
As for what I want my children to know…
1) Other people’s opinions of you are their business…and not your concern. I read that Mother Teresa said that once, and I loved it. It saves me a lot of worry and useless attempts to change other people’s thoughts.
2) Decide who and what you are first. Then the daily choices can be made in that context.
3) People are not their outsides or their degrees or their job titles. They are how they act towards other people, especially people who can’t help them in any real way.
Lindsay, I loved your comments! So many great points to remember. Your last one reminded me of Stephanie Nielsen’s comment that “you are not your body.” Beautiful thoughts, thanks for sharing.
AWESOME article Mary! I don’t think we realize our children listen to every single word we say even if we think they are not paying attention. I am one to criticize myself allot…..especially since I got laid off. I think from now on I need to turn that around because I don’t want my daughters to view themselves in a negative way when they start to understand how society portrays beauty. I want them to understand they are Beautiful in every sence of the word.
Oh Connie, thank you for your comment! You sure are such an inspiration to me each week. Our girls are young and I, too, did not realize how much they listen to each and every thing we say. I am sorry to hear you got laid off. I wish you the best!
Thanks Mary! I love your articles….I can’t wait to read the next one.
Love you Mary! Your daughter is one lucky lady. 🙂
Thanks April! Right back at ya!
Dear Mary
Thank you for sharing your story. About 10 days ago, I had a day like that, calling myself names. I’d never do that to someone else – and it had to with feelings about the way I look.
Your statements about beauty and worth are insightful.
I hope all of us will embrace these ideas
In the meantime, why not toss that shirt and sweats? Get yourself something you’ll feel good wearing to the bus stop. A new sweat suit in a pretty color? Don’t keep things that you feel bad wearing
Beth, thank you for your comment! And I love your idea to get a new sweat suit. I agree, looks aren’t everything, but you should feel good in what you wear. Thanks!
What a fantastic article. I wonder if we’re more sensitive to this kind of thing with daughters because we’ve experienced it too.
And I’m with Beth! Buy yourself something you love to wear that you can slip on in a moment (for me, it’s some black yoga pants and a long-sleeve t-shirt from Old Navy in a happy color).
Thanks for the comment Janssen! You bring up a great point.