Photo by Doe Q at www.Flickr.com
At The Power of Moms we’re all about putting family first, but that certainly means different things to different mothers. Over the last several years (even decades), an enormous amount of attention has been paid to the myriad virtues and vices of being either a stay-at-home or working mother. My purpose today is not to bring up the pros and cons of the two (because in our opinion all moms work, all moms are “full-time”, and there are a thousand shades of grey in-between), but rather to ask how both sets of mothers deal with their choices.
Mothers make the difficult decision to work or stay home based on a variety of reasons, both personal and financial. Some women simply want to use their education and talents in a formal work setting, and wouldn’t mind getting a paycheck in the process. This is especially true for some women as their children get older and need them less and less. But for the sake of today’s discussion, when I speak of mothers who work, I’m speaking of those who feel they have to work for financial reasons.
Particularly in today’s economy, some women may feel forced into the workplace when they’d rather be at home with their children. On the other hand, for every mother that chooses to work for financial reasons, there is another who chooses to stay at home and struggle financially as a result–also a difficult choice. Today I’d simply like to address those two groups of mothers who may feel a sense of dissatisfaction with their decision–whatever it may be.
Thinking of our theme for the month (The Power of Acceptance), how do you accept your decision if it isn’t what you really wanted to begin with? For the mother who feels she has to work but misses the time spent interacting with her children, as well as the mother who stays home but doesn’t have the resources to run her household as she’d like–how do you deal with that?
Why do I even ask this complicated and emotionally charged question? Because the first nine years of our married life with children happened while my husband was in school and training, and I struggled with my own decision to stay at home during those years. Money was tight, so I taught piano lessons two days a week out of our home and also worked a few sporadic jobs like setting up clothing displays in the middle of the night at the mall. I never had a “real” baby nursery, we never took a “real” family vacation (other than visiting family), we always had home repairs we couldn’t afford, we had no savings, and I bought all our clothing, baby supplies, and home decor at garage sales and second hand stores–usually when they had their 50% off sales. It was a long haul, and I wasn’t proud of my sometimes negative attitude when I considered what real poverty looked like, even among people within my own circle. (“Poverty” is so very relative in our society!) But I stuck with my decision because it was more important to both of us that I be home with our children than to have more money.
Again, my purpose is not to tout the virtues of staying at home over working, but to ask the question, how do you get okay with less than ideal circumstances that force you to make choices you don’t want? I certainly could have benefited from this discussion during those early years of motherhood. At least we had a “light at the end of the tunnel” (the end of my husband’s training), but I often think of the mothers that are currently struggling through these two different, but equally tough circumstances who don’t have the same comfort.
Since I can’t wave a magic wand and make a bottomless bag of money appear on every mother’s doorstep, I’d like to “help” in another way: by offering a chance to define and own your choices (even the ones you didn’t want to make) and learn to accept your reality–hopefully finding a measure of peace.
CHALLENGE: Finding peace for youself.
QUESTION: What do you think? Is it possible? How did you do it?
