As a new mom back in the late 90’s, I received this funny story via email from a friend and it’s still one of my favorites:
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’ She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’ ‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply. She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’
Don’t you just love it?!
Now, I’m aware that not all moms are in a traditional relationship with a husband who goes to work while she stays home with the children. I’m also fully aware that there are plenty of awesome dads out there who are way (WAY) more hands-on than dads of previous generations (I’m married to one of them), so I hope the overall message behind the joke isn’t lost in the details of the story. The message (and irony) behind this story is that when a mother is working hard and succeeding at “keeping it all together,” it can actually look like her job is easy and she’s not doing much of anything. (Au contraire!)
Even more than this, what I really want to highlight is that there is a whole lot more going on in a well-run home and family beyond housework, and much of that work often goes “unseen” and is frequently taken for granted. For the purpose of this humorous story, the author had to focus on the visible aspects of motherhood (and the chaos that ensues when those tasks are not accomplished), but in my estimation, the unseen work of motherhood is even more time-consuming, as well as more meaningful and influential in the long-run.
Knowing the good, deliberate mothers of our Power of Moms community as I do, I would venture to guess that for some of those who appear to be neglecting their home, yard, laundry, etc., it’s not because they are in bed with a novel, but because they are spending more of their time and energy on the unseen but perhaps more meaningful and important work of motherhood.
What is this work I’m referring to? I’ll break it down into five categories.
1. Driving and shopping. According to my rigorous online research (ahem, five minutes of googling), mothers spend up to two weeks a year or 15 hours a week just driving around. A good chunk of that is simply transporting kids to and from school, playdates, appointments, and extracurricular activities. The other chunk is, of course, spent shopping and running errands. Sure, a trunk full of groceries, new soccer cleats, and poster boards are visible fruits of a mom’s labor, but let’s be honest: who in the family acknowledges the extra rolls of toilet paper under the sink, the new “unholy” socks that magically appear in the drawer, or the five boxes of the family’s favorite cereal in the pantry? That’s what I thought. It’s only mentioned if it’s missing, and yet how can you quantify the sense of security and well-being that comes from kids knowing their physical needs are being met?
2. Thinking, studying, and decision-making. This is a big one–at least for me. I spend a lot of time thinking about each of my kids individually: What are their strengths and weaknesses? Talents and personality traits? What life skills do they still need to learn? What extracurricular activities would fit them best? How are they doing in school? Who are their friends? How is their health and level of fitness? I’m just scratching the surface here, but for moms who really think about each of their kids individually, educate themselves through books, podcasts, etc., and then make decisions and put plans into action according to what they feel will best help their children, that is a huge amount of unseen work that can have a far-reaching influence.
3. Teaching and spending one-on-one time with kids. Luckily, teaching and spending one-on-one time with kids often happens organically (while doing yard work, making dinner, driving around in the car), but when a mother tries to do something a little more deliberate like initiate better morning and evening routines, teach a child how to do laundry, or take a child out to lunch alone once a month without the distraction and competition of the other kids, that kind of unseen work can take an incredible amount of thought, preparation, and emotional energy on the part of the mother. Kudos to you!
4. Planning meaningful family traditions. I think most people (moms included) underestimate how much time and effort it takes to choose, plan, and orchestrate family traditions such as birthdays, holidays, and family vacations. These are “extras” on a mom’s calendar and can be big time and energy investments. While they do have some visible results (the holiday food and decorations, the birthday presents, the hotel that was reserved), by and large, the work that is done behind the scenes for these events goes virtually unseen and the results are primarily happy memories and a stronger family. (Not exactly something you can pin on Pinterest.) In fact, when I’ve been working on one or more of these traditions, my home often starts to look like the one in the story above!
5. Secretarial work. I have four children. By far, the easiest is my youngest, a 2nd-grader. (Easy in terms of managing her life.) Even so, let’s look at one day’s worth of paperwork for her: homework (which requires my assistance), a star-of-the-week calendar to be filed away (and NOT forgotten), an emergency contact information form to be filled out and returned to school tomorrow, picture day order forms to be filled out and sent back on picture day, a Scholastic book order form (with instructions for how to order online so the class can earn free books), sign-ups for several after-school programs, and a birthday party invitation. (I won’t even go into the computer and paperwork involved for my high school senior as we gear up for college applications next month.) Even the singular job of communicating with each of my kids’ teachers, coaches, and youth leaders (when needed) and tracking my kids’ individual schedules is enough to intimidate a low-level secretary at a “real” job. The invisible work of keeping an entire family organized is not just impressive, but truly amazing when you consider all the other seen and unseen work a mom is micromanaging.
I have to admit that this post is a little bit self-indulgent. But seriously–isn’t it so incredibly validating to look at this list? I know you aren’t always on top of everything outlined here. (Of course you aren’t. I’m not either.) But most of us are doing our darndest and doing a pretty good job at it, considering.
What I hope will be the take-away from this is that there are really, really legitimate reasons your home isn’t always spotless, your eyebrows aren’t always plucked, and your kids aren’t always heading out the door looking like Gap models. Because being a good, deliberate mother who is not only on top of the visible work of managing a home and family, but also the unseen mental and emotional work of raising good human beings is not something that should be taken lightly, considered easy, or assumed to be intuitive.
Just because it can’t be quantified, photographed, and posted on Instagram doesn’t mean it’s not real. In fact, I hope I’ve made the case today that the unseen work we do as mothers is probably the real-est of things we will ever do.
Can you see that?
QUESTION: What are some of the unseen tasks of motherhood you do on a regular basis?
CHALLENGE: Imagine you are blind and can’t see any of the messes in your home, how you or your child looks, or the condition of the family car. How do you feel about your efforts as a mother? Is the unseen work you are doing not actually more meaningful and long-lasting?
Edited by Rachel Nielson.
Image from Shutterstock, with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Originally posted on September 25, 2105.
This definitely hits home for me. My only child is in school fulltime, and I only work 15 hours/week outside the home. I know there are people who wonder what I do all day long. Sometimes families have challenges that others aren’t aware of, things to keep them busy that other people might not have even thought of. I don’t pretend to be busier than a mother of many and/or a mother who has a fulltime job outside the home. But I am busy to the point of being overwhelmed at times. I just don’t always feel like qualifying that statement, because I don’t want to broadcast certain challenges that my family is facing.
Every mother has such unique challenges and opportunities that no one is in a place to judge another. My sister has one child as well but is plenty busy with all kinds of things (getting a masters degree currently–most of us are pretty good at finding ways to fill our time when there is an “empty” space!) and finds it difficult when people assume she has lots of free time (because she has “only” one child) and make somewhat presumptuous requests of her. You don’t need to qualify/explain what keeps you busy. A mother is ALWAYS busy!
I really needed this post today. I felt like I spent the whole day looking down. I had to so I wouldn’t trip over all of the things that had been left out by my children! I was feeling so discouraged, imagining all of those moms out there who have gorgeous houses that always seem to be clean and feeling so frustrated and my constant inability to keep my house in order. However, I really appreciate your insights. The invisible work of motherhood is important, but easy to overlook. Having a clean house is important and a good and worthy aim, but when it doesn’t happen, I need to stop beating myself up over it and instead focus on the the good things I was able to do with my children.
Yes! A clean and orderly house is wonderful, of course, and the environment all of us mothers would like to work in, but maintaining and achieving that while also trying to do “everything else” is sometimes very unrealistic – especially if you have lots of small children who aren’t really capable of helping with the cleanup and maintenance. Definitely give yourself a pat on the back instead of beating yourself up!
…so this is why I’m so tired! Thanks for writing this Allyson. I’ve had a long “unseen” week and my house is a mess, but some of the most significant work of caring is “unseen.”
That is most days and weeks for me! Keep on keeping on!
This was wonderful to read! I was paying bills and organizing finances for over an hour and a half one day this week on my computer and still didn’t finish what I set out to do. My eldest came home and sees me and says, “Mom, you really need to limit your screen time.” Gah!! I was so irritated! Does it look like I’m hanging out over here playing candy crush? Lol. There’s a loty family will probably never realize I do until they have families of their own.
I totally relate to this! I am on the computer a lot. Yes, sometimes it is for fun (I don’t play games, but I enjoy reading articles and blogposts of interest, many of which I feel are helpful to me as a mother). But often my time online is researching resources for my son, making arrangements, etc.
This is a tough one at my house, too. So. Much. Of the unseen work that I do happens on my computer. Luckily, all of my kids are in school full-time now so I try to do the majority of that while they are away, but I still feel like I have to explain to them when I’m on the computer what I am doing for the reason you mentioned.
Thank you so much! I love Power of Moms because I feel so understood here. It is wonderful to know that I’m not alone and others are walking along the same path I am.
One of my favorite things about the site as well. Real moms allowed!
Thank you! I have been needing this–feeling unproductive lately, but I know that I have been doing important, though invisible things. Thanks for the validation!
Similar to the idea of “emotional intelligences” and the different ways children/people learn, there are MANY ways to be productive in my mind. I would even say that sometimes resting your body and mind is the most productive thing you can do! Success and happiness in family life is so much than just the physical world around us.
Allyson your posts are always food for my soul, and I usually chuckle out loud at your sassy sense of humor as well. Thanks for your insights! I love the validation of the administrative load and all of the other things we manage that only get noticed if we DON’T do them! This post helps me be gentle with myself and say “hey lady! You’re doing an amazing job!”