It was a Saturday. I’d met up with a friend whom I hadn’t seen for some time for a rare outing of shopping and lunch. I was on edge, snapping at my three-year-old for the smallest things, when my friend looked at me and said, “You need a change. You are exhausted and working too hard.” She could tell I was totally overwhelmed. Her words stuck with me, playing over and over in my mind as I drove home listening to a CD called “Lazy Sunday.” That’s when I had my “moment”.
The music triggered a flashback to when my husband and I would listen to that CD in the car when we were dating, and I remembered how much we enjoyed each other’s company and how much happier I used to be in general. I began crying uncontrollably as I realized I had forgotten what that was like. In that moment, I knew something had to change.
I was working 50 to 60-hour weeks with a two-hour round trip commute, thinking if I worked hard enough to make it to a level where I made good money, things would somehow get easier. Meanwhile, I was sacrificing my relationships with those who were most important to me. My daughter was calling me Grandma because she spent more time with her than with me. I had no friends and no time or energy to make any. When I was home, my level of exhaustion impacted my scarce one-on-one time with my husband. As for time to myself, where was I going to find that? I felt guilty any time I wanted to be alone because it took time away from being with my family. I began to think life on earth was purgatory–a living hell we somehow had to survive to eventually achieve happiness.
As it turned out, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was watching Flicka of all things (a movie about a girl who wants to take over her father’s ranch and develops a friendship with a horse) and noticed that no one had a Blackberry and everyone looked relatively relaxed. As ridiculous as this sounds, it actually made me realize that I was the one putting suffocating pressure on myself. I realized that everyone makes choices that affect the pressure they live under. Combined with my CD moment, I began to snap out of my fog and see the light, recognizing that I had more control than I thought. I was finally disturbed enough to take action.
Pregnant with my second daughter, I began looking for other work options and submitted my resignation, telling my boss that I wasn’t going to trade my personal life for work anymore. He asked me, “What if you could work 40-hour weeks and work from home twice a week? Would you stay?” I immediately dismissed that as an option, explaining that I could never succeed at work with that arrangement. I am not the type who can just skate by and get average review ratings, which would be the result if I attempted to do what he suggested. He countered my argument saying that I did more than I needed to; that I could be just as successful by better managing my time and being more selective in what I took on.
So, I gave it a shot. It turned out I was able to restructure my work schedule to create more time for my life while continuing to succeed professionally. In fact, I was promoted within a year. The environment I worked in was not usually flexible and rarely made arrangements like mine (regardless of what HR said). But, my boss recognized my value and wanted to keep me, so we worked together to find a solution.
My daughters are now seven and three years old. I’m still married, working 40-hour weeks, and enjoying time with my family. I actually have meaningful relationships with friends now, and I make a point of finding time for myself. I ended up changing jobs when I got a new boss who was NOT supportive of my flexible arrangement, going out on my own as an independent consultant while I build out my next venture. It has been an incredible journey of self-discovery that all began with a moment of revelation on a car ride, and my life has never been the same.
If you are facing a similar struggle with work-life balance, and you don’t have a boss who will work with your schedule, there are other options for employment out there. I learned you have to be willing to take the risk to own your priorities and not give others control over them. They are YOUR values and no one will care more about them than you do. I guarantee that if you take action to make what matters most to you central to how you manage your life, the results will change your life for the better and you’ll be stronger and happier for it.
QUESTION: Can you really achieve a life of happiness on the path that you’re on? Or are you sacrificing so much to reach your destination that you are neglecting what really matters along the way?
CHALLENGE: Make the time to take 30 minutes to reflect on this. Get up 30 minutes earlier if you have to. Jot down your top priorities and why they matter to you; then rate yourself, on a scale of 1-10, how you are doing with each. For those areas you are neglecting, write down three reasons why and at least one step you can take to improve. Find someone to hold you accountable for follow-through, whether it’s your spouse, friend, or coach. As Jim Rohn once said, “You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction.”
Image courtesy of Stacy McAlpine
Thank you so much for this honest and sincere post! I am a mom of six, and work a full time job with travel. It is hard! What you described so clearly articulates how I often feel. My “friends” fall in two buckets – working moms who think I am crazy for having six kids, or stay at home moms who think I am crazy for working, either way you look at it, I must be crazy! :). I am often overwhelmed by guilt and sense of failure that leads into an unhappiness I feel guilty about….and the cycle keeps going. And I generally feel so alone in that state…..your post was so timely and touching – your words have comforted and inspired. THANK YOU!!