Six years ago, my washing machine waged a revolution against me. While others could get the washer started without much of a problem, no matter what I did, I could not get the machine going. It was such a source of frustration in my life that I wrote an email to my family and friends explaining the situation:
“I swear my washing machine HATES me. I’m not kidding. I’ve had help with the beast from my husband and a few family visitors. It seems as though others may occasionally find favor with it but not me. It just won’t work for me–I have all the knobs and buttons in the correct position, I firmly close the door and–nothing. Regarding the closing of the door, which has proven to be vital in soothing the beast into action, my husband says, ‘It’s all in the wrist.’ I have never known a machine where expert wrist-action is necessary. I hate the beast as much as it hates me. Just this morning, I was finally able to get it to start a cycle, which I thought was momentous until I realized water was pouring out of it.”
As I fumed about the unexplainable inconsistency of the machine, I finally came to a realization: there are complex issues at work with my washer that I’m unaware of. So the fact that it sometimes starts and sometimes doesn’t is mechanically reasonable and logical–I’m just not privy to the full truth of that machine.
In response to my dramatic email, my cousin wrote me back and counseled, “It doesn’t hate you. It’s challenging your patience and preparing you for future challenges.”
Though her words were obviously in jest, they did prove to be prophetic. I was being prepared for future challenges, though nothing could have really prepared me for what I faced in subsequent years as I became a mother. Each of my pregnancies has been difficult for various reasons, but the biggest challenge I’ve faced as a mother has been dealing with postpartum depression.
I don’t know exactly why postpartum depression hit me with the last birth and not the first two–and though that is frustrating, I’ve come to realize that I am just not privy to the full truth of hormones, sleep deprivation and postpartum life. As was the case with my renegade washing machine, frustration lies with things that just don’t work right and just don’t seem to make sense.
To get through postpartum depression (and the difficulties of motherhood generally), I found a few strategies that have worked for me and have helped me develop more patience with myself and my kids.
1. The first is making time to refill my tank. I joined a group of women who take turns looking after children while the others go cross country skiing for an hour. Exercise, twice a week, outdoors–amazing. As a family we’ve also committed to going cross country skiing every Saturday. While our oldest has a two-hour ski lesson, we pull our younger children behind us while we ski. I feel so good after every ski.
Gaining more patience and getting through a difficult time in my life wasn’t about trying harder, breathing more deeply, or simply biting my tongue. Gaining patience was about filling my tank and taking care of myself so that I had reserves to use when tough times with my children arose.
2. The second way that I made it through postpartum depression was by simply hanging in there. I am not in that dark place any longer. My Ruby is now older and sleeping through the night. Being able to sleep a full night has been transformative.
For anyone reading this who may be thinking “But my baby is still not sleeping through the night, and there is no cross country group like that around, and even if there was, there’s no way I’d be able to push myself out the door to participate, and I am alone”– for those who feel that you are stuck in a very bad moment, I want to say hang in there. Things will change eventually. I also want to say, don’t be too hard on yourself. There will be a day in the future when you don’t wake up yelling. There will be moments when you will realize that, though you are not perfect and never will be, you are a great mom because you love your kids and you keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day you will finally climb out of the darkness of postpartum depression and into the light.
The whole story of your life as a mother is long. The full truth of why things in your life are the way they are may not always be evident, so when something in your life breaks down–be it your washing machine, your emotional state, or any number of other frustrating situations that all mothers face–try to remember that it just might be testing your patience and preparing you for future challenges.
QUESTION: What suggestions do you have for a mother who is struggling with postpartum depression or feelings of loneliness, isolation, and/or exhaustion?
CHALLENGE: Next time you are trying to make logical sense of the difficult emotions and experiences that come along with motherhood, remember that “the full truth” of things may not always be evident. Instead of trying to reason your way out of your emotions, give yourself permission to do something to refill your tank and remind yourself to just keep hanging in there.
Image Source: Microsoft Office Images
Beautiful post Charla! I agree with both points–sometimes holding on is all you can do. Sometimes not knowing the full truth drives me crazy. I want to understand and be able to fix everything! Thank you for posting so honestly about your struggles.
I would also add, if anyone is dealing with these intense feelings for more than a couple weeks–find someone to talk to. Your spouse, a trusted friend, even (and maybe especially) your doctor. And if the first person you talk to isn’t all that helpful, keep trying. Don’t ever give up!
Also, don’t be discouraged if it turns out to last longer than just the postpartum period of time. For me, postpartum depression revealed something deeper and longer lasting. So, if you’re still struggling, keep looking for solutions.
A beautiful article, and something I don’t think we as mothers and even as women really open up about enough. I would guess that most mothers either have gone through postpartum themselves or know someone who has, and these points are great for all. I agree, as mothers we ALL need to take the time to refill our tank. It’s not being selfish when we focus on ourselves as mothers, something I had to get over when my children were babies. And I agree with Meg, if someone is struggling with postpartum, seek out friends, therapists, doctors, whomever can help on your journey.
Great post, thank you! My advice is to get help! I had postpartum depression with my second child, but was not actually diagnosed with it until I got pregnant with my third 2 years later. It had not gone away. Actually, the more I learn about PPD, the more I think the signs were there with my first, and I probably did have it to a lesser degree, but that time I did recover on my own. Now that I am pregnant again (my third pregnancy ended in second trimester miscarriage), I am meeting with a therapist that specializes in PPD and mapping out a post partum wellness plan. There are places to get help.
For anyone living in Utah on the Wasatch Front, I highly recommend checking out The Healing Group: http://www.thehealinggroup.com/. They specialize in this type of stuff. They have individual counselors, group therapy, even online support groups. Last month they did free PPD screenings. I follow them on facebook and they frequently post really helpful articles on this topic.
Mary and Megan – you are so right – it is so much better to recognize and deal with PPD rather than just hope you’ll eventually feel better. Megan the help you got sounds pretty incredible. That was smart to contact a therapist – I’m sure that would have helped me as well. I remember going to see a doctor and was told I needed to have blood tests done before being prescribed anti-depressants, and then I needed to have an MRI done to make sure my kidneys were ok to take the medication and after all of that it would take about a month before I would start to feel the effects of the medication. With my two boys and the new baby it was really hard to make all of that happen for myself – I actually had to take all my kids with me to a couple of the doctor appointments and I do remember feeling so much irritation, anger and frustration in even making the effort to get help.
I think it’s important to watch out for new mothers that you know, ask them how they’re doing. Ask them how they’re feeling in a way that communicates you are sincerely interested in the answer. I think there are so many ways we can reach out and help one another.
Thank you for this essay!
Beautiful thoughts, Charla! I appreciate you taking the time to write this for Power of Moms. xo
Meg, thanks so much for commenting here about this!!! I should have included in my article that talking to a doctor was also an important part of dealing with my post partum depression. Identifying PPD can be tricky because it’s easy to dismiss feelings as simply being normal consequences of having a newborn, lack of sleep etc. My doctor said that about one out of ten women will experience PPD – that’s a lot of us ladies!!! Motherhood is inherently difficult and challenging but if you feel like you are legitimately losing your mind, Meg is right, reach out for some help.
Rachel – Thanks for reading!
April – You’ve started a fantastic site here – thanks for providing the forum for me to share!
Postpartum depression is such a real issue that so many are ashamed to be dealing with. Thank you for opening up and talking about it! I know your thoughts will be meaningful to many women who are struggling.
I loved this. You’re fantastic Charla.
One thing that really helped me was the advise to everyday wrote down and then do
A. Something for myself
B. something for my home
C. Something for my children
D. Something for the greater community.
Somedays that meant making brownies because I wanted them, cleaning out a drawer to find the measuring cups, making them with my kids and dropping some off to a friend for my community part. What I found most helpful was writing it down so that when I felt like I wasn’t being a good mom and I wasn’t making progress I could look back and see all the things I’d done to take care of what I needed (so often taking a nap or reading a book), did things or spent time to show my kids and hubs love and also served others.
You’re fantastic Virginia. I really like the ABCD list – those are all great ways to feel good about your day.
This is actually good advice for any woman–suffering from post-partum issues or not! I like this list a lot!
Virginia,
You should write this up as its own post and submit it to the site. Love that list–and love the idea of writing it down so it’s quantifiable.
Great article Charla! I too can attest that there is light and happiness after postpartum depression (the dark place), you just have to hang in and realize your limits. A quote that helped me was “If you never learn the language of gratitude, you will never be on speaking terms with happiness.” You can always find something to be grateful for even in dark times.
Thanks Cyndi!