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One of my best friends had her first baby one month ago. He is the cutest little guy. There is something about a newborn: how they smell, their tiny toes, how they stretch, the little squealing noises they make, and how they mold into you when you hold them. He is so sweet, and holding him takes me back to the first few days when my boys were born.
I stopped by last week and hung out with them both; soaking in this little guy, and listening to my friend share her ups and downs of the first few weeks of being a mother. I dished out a bit of advice here and there—but really, every baby is so different that sometimes there is no advice to give.
It has not been an easy road for my friend, but she is doing great. One issue that is plaguing them right now is nursing. She has had an incredibly hard time with nursing and subsequently is having to supplement with formula. But formula causes the little guy gas. He is crying and cramping and his tummy is rumbling.
To my friend, this is a big concern. She has switched formulas, tried gripe water, tried to burp him frequently, plays around with his positions, does “bicycle legs” with him for hours, anything to help her little guy. But inevitably he has gas.
My advice to her? That’s life.
He has gas.
Get used to it.
Now I don’t mean that “meanly” at all.
My first son was a relatively good baby. I figured I was doing all the right things. My second son was a really challenging baby. I realized I could do all the right things and it often it didn’t really make a huge difference.
Wanting to console your child, to protect them, to remove their pain and suffering is what any mother wants to do.
We want to take away their gas. We want to prevent their bruises and scars. We want to wipe their tears and stop them from even flowing. We want them to never feel the sting of rejection or failure. We want them to never have their feelings hurt, to never struggle with school, to never be teased or be the target of bullying.
The hardest thing to learn as a mother is that we can’t always do the things for our children that we most want to do.
I felt for my friend, who feels for her little guy who is struggling with a natural baby challenge. She wants to take that pain away from him—but there is nothing she can really do. It’s the natural life of a baby!
It is the same feeling I now get when one of my kids comes home and tells me they didn’t make the team, or one of their friends is teasing them, or they are so anxious about an upcoming test. I wish I could take away their pain and protect them. Some of the experiences are ones I know they need; they will help build their character and develop them as people. But it is still hard to sit back and watch them endure the growing pains. Other experiences don’t seem to have a purpose and cause me to question why they happen—but the only reason I can come up with is, “that’s life”.
As my friend goes through her own growing pains of motherhood, she will begin to realize that she will always face “gas” in her children’s life and often there is not much she can do. She will try to get used to this lack of control but I don’t think you ever get “used to it”, you just get through it (reciting the mantra “This too shall pass”). You learn that you have to roll with the punches, you begin to see life through a very different lens, and you realize, “that’s life!”
QUESTION: What things are hard for you or your children right now? Are they really within your control or are they just part of life?
CHALLENGE: Try to identify which things are within your control and focus your energy on them.
I agree with you but maybe he has a milk allergy and needs to go on a specialized formula. I too had a very difficult baby and when we switched him to the milk free (and very pricey) formula he was like a different child! Just a thought
Great post. It is so hard to watch our kids go through growing pains! I have a 3 mnth old baby and she had the same issues. I went off all dairy and she is now a very happy baby. Totally helped a ton.
I had a baby with all that same stuff! It’s so hard and I really did try everything but I totally agree that there are so many things that we have to just plow on through as moms. We should certainly seek every possible solution but it’s important to realize that sometimes there won’t really be a “fix” other than waiting and watching and showing compassion and realizing that phases do pass and life does go on. When my third child had the same newborn issues as my first, I was much better at doing what I could do but accepting that there would be some serious crying off and on as her little digestive system matured. The crying was so much less stressful when I realized “this too shall pass.”
I agree with the main message of this essay that we cannot always remove the pain in children’s lives. But I have been bothered with the message this article may send to moms dealing with this specific situation (which can cause serious pain in the infant and desperation in the mother). After working in a clinical setting with nursing mothers (and having severely “gassy/colicky” children of my own), I would have to agree with the first poster that there is a lot more information out there now on the various possible causes and treatments of infant digestive pain. Moms used to be told that there was nothing you can do, or only a few things you could try, and if those didn’t work you just had to deal with watching your child go through the pain. However, with current information, in the great majority of cases it can be significantly reduced, if not eliminated. While we can’t make all of our child’s pain go away, I feel the pain of an infant in distress should be reduced if possible.
My point in writing this is so that this mom and all other moms struggling with this can be aware that there are professional resources and information available that can help.
Thanks for your comments. I just wanted to clarify the bigger picture I was focusing on. There is always something that our children go through. Sometimes it is fixable and sometimes is it not. We certainly have to do absolutely everything we can do to help our child with whatever difficulty – while showing love and compassion. With gas, perhaps there is a solution for some babies. My second was also colicky and cried for months – despite everything I did as a mother (after seeking all the medical support I could). I hated feeling that my child was suffering because I wasn’t working hard enough to find a solution! Some mothers are luckily able to find a good solution – others are not. However, whether a solution is found or not does not determine whether you are a good mother. Our children will always be faced with challenges – big and small. Some we can fix, some we will be heartbroken over and never fix despite doing absolutely everything in our power. We can’t control life, and shouldn’t feel like failures if we can’t make it all better. We need to realize that all these experiences are a part of life and part of a greater plan.
I agree with you Amanda. My first son was terribly fussy and hard. I have had 2 other fussy children who were diagnosed with reflux and now I look back on my 1st and realize he had it too. I wish I would have known and done something about it. There are real medical condidtions and allergies that when figured out can help a suffering baby so much.
Sorry I dont like the comparison of infants suffering from colic pains with struggles and pains of growing up. I agree with Amanda. Your friend should try switch to a very special formula but it is an issue that can get better> I had to try several formulas with my babies.