As I find myself in the thick of raising five children, I often reflect on my own childhood. I know that my husband does as well, as he is often heard saying, “I never did that when I was a kid!” or “This is how my parents did it.” I have to remind him and myself that this isn’t about us; it’s about our kids and what is best for them.
The fact is, parenting rules and expectations have changed since we were kids. There are a lot more concerns about car safety, stranger danger, and childhood illnesses. Children aren’t free to come and go or meet up with friends at will. Sadly, scheduled and supervised play dates are now the norm of childhood.
Don’t get me wrong, I participate in scheduled play dates many times per week. But didn’t I walk five blocks every day during the summer, sometimes alone, sometimes with a sibling, to Mrs. Rust’s swimming pool? And weren’t there wonderful learning experiences, not to mention exercise, that I got from those walks? On one of those longs walks home from the pool, I discovered a group of boysenberry bushes and feasted until my fingers were stained and sticky. Only then did I find enough energy to walk the rest of the way up Michigan Avenue.
Are my kids missing out on unsupervised childhood? I feel we are sometimes too involved. And at the same time, we’re not. We’re much more reluctant to let the kids roam the neighborhood, but do we keep that same guard up as our children roam the virtual neighborhood? By protecting our kids from the dangers outside, are we keeping them inside, within earshot, but unknowingly feeding them to the dangers of screen time and a sedentary lifestyle?
How do you find that balance of keeping your kids close but at the same time avoiding overprotective hovering? I don’t know the answer. I find myself walking the line every day.
I feel grateful for family friends who live right behind us and the open door system that our children participate in. Any day, any time (within reason) our children are free to run through the alley and see if the others are available to play. During the summers especially, they will go back and forth between yards several times a day. This gives me some relief knowing that my kids are experiencing a bit of the freedom that I grew up with.
And then there’s the park across the street. Normally this is a great middle ground for me. I allow the oldest kids to go over alone and get a little bit of space from mom and dad. But I know they’re not far and I can periodically peek out and check on them.
During this past week, however, I was receiving some conflicting reports about the goings-on at the park. My son Oliver was complaining that some big kids were being mean and had ruined the sledding jumps and made them impossible to go off. My daughter Byrdie called the boys her friends and said they were nice.
My curiosity got the better of me. I headed over to the park to meet these big kids for myself and make sure that everyone felt safe and happy. The older kids were very polite and seemed like really good kids. They had spent a lot of time at the park building and going off the jumps and becoming familiar with them. It turns out, Oliver just needed a little more encouragement and a little more practice in order to experience some success and satisfaction with the jumps.
I later heard him telling a friend, “The jumps are really fun, you just have to get used to them.”
Perhaps I should have had more confidence in Oliver to work things out on his own. Then again, maybe he needed his mom with a camera over there in order to hop back on that sled and give it another shot. You gotta get a cool “catching some air” picture, right?
And there’s that line. I guess I’ll keep walking it.
QUESTION: Where is your line of balance? Where is your line of comfort for your children’s safety outside? Where is your line of comfort within your home, or friends’ homes, with screen time?
CHALLENGE: Decide what your safety boundaries are, and then allow your children a little more freedom within those boundaries. Can you give them some additional independence in some of their choices? Help them find a safe-place to play with a little more freedom and a little less mommy.
Images provided by Sarah Packham
Well written. Shows considerable thought, judgment, wisdom. I appreciate the fact that today’s children are being raised with a different set of problems that require creative as well as practical solutions, and that not one size fits all as far as addressing each family situation. Although the problems are real and apply to us all, the answers must be sought out in each individual’s arena.
My kids are so important to me, and came at such a high cost. Reasons why I am overprotective. And yet, I saw that they were facing different dangers as a result of my overprotectiveness. It took being diagnosed with ADD (and seeing that several of my kids probably have it) to force me to relax a little and let them play outside more (there are considerable mental health benefits to exercise)! I now have the time right after school set aside for them to run around. It has felt really good. I have loved reading Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne– it has helped me a lot to see the beauty in letting children have unscheduled time to explore, discover, learn, and get into “deep” play.
This is something I struggle with and appreciate the thoughts on it (both in the blog post and the comments).
Thanks for this post.
Well said Sarah!
When I was a kid, I left the house in the morning and only returned for meals and bed. When I consider giving my kids that much “freedom” I get a knot in my stomach. Times are different, aren’t they?
Like you, I consider each child and their activity individually when I am making decisions about how present their mom needs to be. It is a tricky line to walk for me as well. I am glad I am not alone with this concern.
Love your pictures!