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My son Andrew was born at 32 weeks gestation due to my preeclampsia. His first week of life was so difficult: I only got to give him a quick kiss before he was whisked off to the NICU; I didn’t see him for 24 hours due to some medication I had to be on; and it was five days before I could hold him due to his immature nervous system.
Seeing him in his isolette for the first time was absolutely overwhelming. He was tiny–only 3 lb 14 oz and 15 inches long–and he had the tiniest little cry I’ve ever heard. His leg was as big around as my thumb and his head was the size of a small orange.
The NICU experience is a world unto its own. Though I had four other children, I felt like a first-time mom again because I had no idea what to do or to expect. The monitors and alarms, plus the sheer numbers of medical personnel and the scary unknowns, was almost more than I could handle. And leaving my baby behind in the hospital was emotionally wrenching and one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
Perhaps the most difficult part of having Andrew in the NICU was how absolutely torn I felt no matter where I was. If I was at home being Mommy to my four other children, my mind was on my baby boy in the hospital. If I was at the hospital with Andrew, I was worrying about my other children and hoping for their well being. My heart was literally torn in two.
One evening, as I was preparing to leave the NICU to go home for the night, I was particularly emotional and upset. It had been three or four weeks, and I wanted my baby home. I watched as another family who had come into the NICU after us was saying goodbye to the nurses and taking their baby home. I couldn’t help it–I broke down. I was sick and tired of pumping breastmilk, driving to and from the hospital, and having my family in two places. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually.
All I could think of to do at that point was to pray. I rocked my little one and bowed my head and prayed to my Heavenly Father. I poured out my soul in that corner of the NICU. I expressed my frustration, my sadness and my worry. As I finished my prayer, I had a thought come clearly into my mind. I knew it wasn’t my thought, that it was directly from above. What I heard was, “When you aren’t here with him, I am.”
I immediately had a calming, peaceful feeling wash over me. It gave me the strength I needed to continue on for the next few weeks, until I could bring Andrew home.
Drew, as we now call him, is a busy, active, “fun-sized” two-year-old with no delays from his early birth. I know his life is an absolute miracle. I also know that the message I received from God in that desperate moment in the NICU continues to be true for Drew and all four of my other children: God is always with them, watching over them, especially when I cannot be.
QUESTION: What lessons about parenting and life have you learned in your darkest moments?
CHALLENGE: If you are in the midst of a challenging time, pray for the assurance that God is with your children and with you.
Image Source: Cheryl Cardall
Thank you thank you for this post! My youngest was also born at 32 weeks, it was while we were out of state on vacation. I can so relate to feeling torn between my other two children and my new baby. I remember sitting in the lobby waiting for my ride to pick me up after one of my visit at the NICU (I had a c-section so couldn’t drive) and just watching all the parents and families going home with their babies and just breaking down and crying about how unfair it all felt. Yet, looking back I was also stronger than I think I have ever been and given more peace and comfort knowing that everything would be okay.
My preemie is almost 3 now and as good as can be.
Wow EmmyMom, it is hard enough having a preemie nearby in a hospital but to have them on vacation in a strange place must have been so so difficult! There’s a bond with other preemie Moms. I agree the strength I had was amazing (even though I cried nearly every day when I had to leave him) and so many prayers were answered.
My guy turns 3 this Sunday, I can hardly believe it. I am always so nostalgic during this time of year because I remember everything that happened.
You are amazing, Cheryl! I have thought so for a long time. 🙂 Drew is such a sweetie, and I loved watching him run around this weekend knowing how his life started off. Thanks for sharing!