“She Did It on Purpose”

Does it happen at your house too?  Kids are playing nicely together and before you know it, someone’s Lego creation collapses, or someone’s sandcastle gets knocked down or a ball goes out of bounds and over a fence.  Do you hear the same things I hear?

“It’s your fault that happened.”

“________ did it on purpose.”

Look what ________ did!”

And so on and so forth.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Hopefully it isn’t just my children that interpret every indiscretion against them as intentional and deliberate, and by golly, someone better get in trouble for it.

Recently at an impromptu family meeting warranted by nothing more serious than one of the above-mentioned infractions, I attempted to explain to my children the need to quit assuming every little accident or mishap was done on purpose. Sure, I explained, there are always times an added shove, push, or kick is intentionally given. But more often than not, I continued to explain, the incidents are mere accidents.

That little family meeting really got me thinking about the way I parent. Do I parent the way my kids play—just going along and occasionally a real intentional step is taken? Or do I parent with intentional thoughts and deliberate actions—and occasionally a mishap still may occur?

Recently, after reading and hearing so much about popular book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I finally broke down and purchased it. There is an underlying question I derived from reading it: What are my intentions as a mother?

In a (very) brief summary, the author of the book is adamant about her children’s music practice. And I mean adamant. It doesn’t matter if they are on vacation, or if it is way past bedtime. The author’s children WILL practice their instruments. (Sometimes even up to seven hours A DAY!)

As I read about a complete stranger’s mothering patterns, I couldn’t help but question her intentions. Why is she doing what she is doing?

But far more importantly, why am I doing what I am doing?

Why are you doing what you’re doing?

Despite my efforts to be intentional and deliberate, I would be lying if I didn’t admit there are plenty of days I mother on auto-pilot. Some days, I throw snacks and meals in the general direction of mouths. There are plenty of times I appear to be attentively listening, yet I’m processing the next item on my to-do list. And sometimes I play a game of children’s Monopoly with a child, but skew the money slightly, so the game will end early. I have done each of these things, and they aren’t things I’m proud of, but I am realistic enough to know some days are like that.

Though it may seem I’m not very intentional in my efforts when in contrast to the ‘Tiger Mother’ who focuses on musical and academic prowess at all costs, I try.

Sure, there are times I get distracted after three minutes of listening to my daughter play her harp, or some days, I can’t even find five minutes to sit on the piano bench with another child, and sometimes (gasp) I forget to sign my child’s mandatory ‘return-Monday-morning-reading-chart’. Yet, I still find myself with many conscious thoughts and deliberate intentions to mothering.

One day my children will be grown. I’m betting it won’t matter so much if they only practiced thirty minutes per instrument daily or if some nights they only read the bare minimum reading requirement. What will matter is if my children leave home feeling loved, and be responsible, hard-working, kind members of society.

Hopefully my children will remember our family traditions, our bedtime rituals, the one-on-one dates with parents, our family song, our discipline systems, after school treasure hunts, and other such things. I hope they remember the times I stopped typing mid-sentence to go and watch a potato bug, or when I turned off the vacuum to read a book with them, or the times I quit reading my magazine article to hear about a pre-teen’s problem with friends.

Don’t we all dream that our children will remember and appreciate our deliberate and carefully planned actions? I know I do. I hope one day my children will recognize the intention, deliberate thought and near-constant effort I put into being their mother.

And one day, perhaps my children and your children will use the line they were  chastised for using as children, “She did it on purpose.”

Question: What are some choices you make deliberately each day to be a better mother?

Challenge: Try to find time each day to escape from the ‘auto-pilot’ routine and really think about what you are doing.

About Tiffany Sowby

Tiffany Sowby's passionate dream from childhood-to grow up and be a mother-has come true, as she is now the mother of five children, ranging in age from five to fifteen. Though the realities of motherhood are far from dreamy, Tiffany does her best to keep her passion for motherhood alive by appreciating, recognizing and finding joy in the little things in life.

Tiffany loves rainy days, spontaneous thank-yous, shoes, a good game of Scrabble and laundry.

Two of Tiffany’s greatest passions--writing and motherhood--come together at Our Most of the Time Happy Family