Photo by Juselig1 at www.flickr.com
My three-year-old, Spencer, is asking if he can take out the trash.
My eight-year-old, Ethan, is finally making his bed every morning (without being asked).
My nine-year-old, Grace, plays the piano all day long, and she’s almost memorized Pachelbel’s Canon.
My 11-year-old, Alia, is cooking for the family on a regular basis (yesterday it was a plum crisp, and the day before, it was homemade pita pockets).
Our house is still full of noise, messes, bickering, and the other “constants” of family life (so please don’t think I’m trying to set myself up as a perfect mom), but my jaw is continually dropping as I’m seeing the fruits of my summertime labors. It’s empowering to know that specific family systems can so quickly impact a home, and if you’d like to pull up a chair for a couple of minutes, I’ll show you how it’s working in my house.
It all started with Richard and Linda Eyre, best-selling authors who have given me some excellent ideas from their soon-to-be-released book called The Entitlement Trap. (At The Power of Moms, you can listen to a free webinar they recently presented.)
I’ve been working alongside my children ever since they were able to swing a Swiffer duster, and overall, I would say that my children are generally sweet, willing to help, and excited about progressing in life, but up to this point, I’ve felt like the incessant nag.
Did you brush your teeth? Will you please put your dishes away? Why are your blankets all over the floor? Time for piano practice!
Every mother understands this. It’s why “The Mom Song” went viral on YouTube and why mothers all over the globe feel constantly overwhelmed.
By listening to the webinar or attending a Power of Moms Retreat, you can get the “full deal,” but here are a few ideas that anyone can implement–today.
(1) Sit down with your children and invite them to set some goals–specific, exciting goals. Why I never thought of this before, I don’t know, but early in the summer, I followed the Eyres’ advice, brought each child into my little office space, and asked them to set five or six specific goals they wanted to accomplish before they went back to school. (We’re going to start this again for the fall because it worked so well.) I didn’t pick the ideas for them, and I even bit my tongue a bit as they were writing them down, but in the end, each child had a sheet of paper full of great, measurable goals.
Here are a few examples: Alia wanted to learn 20 new healthy recipes, Grace wanted to teach Spencer to write three times a week, and Ethan wanted to practice his typing every day for 10 minutes.
After recording their goals, we made a tally chart that would hang on the refrigerator, and we assigned a dollar amount to each goal, payable on the first day of school. (My biggest fear was that paying my children for their goals would overshadow the intrinsic value of goal-setting, but I must say, the money incentive was quickly overshadowed by the satisfaction they felt as they learned new skills. That was an eye-opener for me.)
Alia now loves cooking, and she’s started a blog with all her favorite recipes. Grace honestly can’t get enough of the piano. She used to hate practicing, but now that she’s developed some skills, she adores it. Ethan knows that in order to “check his box,” he needs to have his bed made before he leaves for school, and I can’t help but smile when I see his lion pillow pet on top of a stack of folded blankets.
By making the goals very doable, hanging the tally sheet in an obvious spot, and encouraging my children to work on their goals each day, each child has developed a confidence and a hunger for progress that I’ve never seen before.
(2) Don’t buy anything from the check-out aisle–unless it’s been earned. In the past, when three-year-old Spencer and I went grocery shopping each week, he begged for everything. Sometimes he wanted an orange Hot Wheel racer. Sometimes he wanted a ring pop. One time, he had a 20-minute tantrum because I wouldn’t buy a bag of those pink and white animal cookies with sprinkles. I hadn’t started him on our Family Economy system yet, since that works best after the age of eight, but I couldn’t figure out how to help such a little guy learn that he can’t have everything he wants.
Then Saren gave me the idea to create a little chart for Spencer. He gets to have one toy or treat at the store each week–as long as he does ten jobs around the house. The other day, I was taking a trash can out to the curb to dump into our bin before the garbage truck arrived. Spencer stopped me and said sweetly, “Mommy, could I take that trash out for you . . . as one of my jobs?” I didn’t want to show my surprise, so I just nodded–and then stayed very composed as I handed him the trash container. No more tantrums at the grocery store! (Well, so far.)
(3) Require “all or nothing.” As parents, we want to reward our children for effort. We want every team player to get a trophy and every participant to get a medal, but what does this teach our children about finishing a job? I used to give rewards to my children for each component of their morning, after school, and evening routines, but now we’ve taken an “all or nothing” approach. They have several jobs in the morning, and all of them need to be done in order to get “credit” (that’s why Ethan now makes his bed). There are other approaches, too, like giving children double the reward if they complete 100% of the tasks, so we may try those methods in the future, but for now, this one is working beautifully.
What it comes down to is that children want to know what is expected of them, and they want high expectations. They want to move forward in their lives. They want to feel competent. I always thought some mothers just had it “together,” but what I’m learning now is that every mother (and father) can put systems in place that encourage and enable their children to do amazing things.
QUESTION: What methods have helped you to teach your children a sense of ownership?
CHALLENGE: Sit down with your children and help them create a system for goal-setting and accomplishing family responsibilities.
April you are amazing! Thanks for being such an incredible mom!
This is great, and I’ve wanted to start the Family Economy, but am intimidated by how complex it all seems. Where should I start?