Humiliation is Served
By now beads of perspiration spotted my brow. The dinner conversation was taking its toll. I could hear myself pleading, “Audrey, please stop yelling at the table. Audrey, please sit up. For goodness sake, take smaller bites. You are talking with your mouth full again. Didn’t I say stop yelling? Hey, get out from under the table. Put that dessert back until you finish your meal. Did you just spit your food out on the table?. How about saying please first? Stop reaching, you’re going to spill your…great, you spilled your milk all over the table. It is not funny, Audrey!”
I could feel the judgmental glares from the other guests piercing me and I could hear their disgruntled thoughts. Half were thinking, “Geez, lay off. She is just a kid, and you sound like a broken record.” The other half were thinking, “For crying out loud, why don’t you spank that little monster?” And I imagine that both groups of spectators thought, “What a bad parent, and what a miserable dinner party!”
The pressure was taking its toll. I just wanted dinner to be over so I could hide myself.
Finally, it all came to a head. My lovely daughter was yelling down the table for the umpteenth time. By now everyone, including me, was sick of hearing my voice. I decided to casually remind her to quiet down by tapping her leg under the table. I stretched out my foot and gave a light tap. She didn’t even blink as she was too excited to feel the nudge. I stretched out again and kicked slightly harder. Nothing. I was determined to secretly get her attention, so I slid down in my seat giving myself enough reach to give her a good solid kick.
Unfortunately, the kick was very solid indeed, a little too solid. Audrey gasped, her eyes welled up with tears, and I held my breath. The flood gates burst open, and she started to wail, “Mommy kicked me! Why did Mommy kick me?” She was inconsolable, and I was utterly humiliated. I threw in the towel. I smiled politely and we excused ourselves.
On the way out, in a last ditch effort to save face, I made a classic parental excuse for my child’s poor behavior. Looking very puzzled, I claimed, “I don’t understand. She never acts this way. She is probably just overly tired. She hasn’t had a nap today.” Then I tucked my tail and fled.
The Game Changer
Luckily, that was a long time ago. It is now my pleasure to take my children out with me, and I often get genuine compliments on how well-mannered they are. In fact, now if there is any embarrassment, it is that my girls make their mother look ill-mannered in comparison. I attribute their dramatic transformation to a silly little game I came up with called “The Manners Game.”
“The Manners Game” is very simple. Each family member gets three Popsicle sticks to put on their place mat. Before the game commences, we go around the table and have everyone recite a few established “Table Manner Rules.” After that, we are ready to begin. If one family member sees someone breaking a “Table Manner Rule,” he gets to take one of their Popsicle sticks. Whoever has the most Popsicle sticks at the end of the dinner wins.
My kids love this game. It is the only time they are “authorized” to correct Mom and Dad. You can make the game more fun by intentionally making a few “manners mistakes” and then pretending to be shocked and outraged when your children correct you. They will love it!
Of course, there are a few drawbacks. For starters, playing games at the table is poor table etiquette. So, you will want to explain that normally games are not allowed at the table during meals. “The Manners Game” is a special exception and can only be initiated by a parent. Also, remind them that ordinarily they are not allowed to correct adults. They may only do so during “The Manners Game.” When we first started playing the game, we did not make a clear enough distinction, and, in consequence, at a big family gathering, my three-year-old assumed it was okay to go around spot-checking her aunts’ and uncles’ table manners!
That said, overall this game has been a wildly successful in our family. It not only taught my girls table etiquette, but also gave them incentive to self-correct.
Starting this game early, before bad habits are formed, will greatly increase your chances of being successful with teaching and reinforcing good manners. I can honestly say that the two people with the worst table manners in our family are now my husband and me. Our bad habits have persisted for decades, making them much tougher to break. Our girls, on the other hand, seemed to master table etiquette the first time we played the game! We continued to play for several months and then slowly phased the game out. Now that our daughters have formed good habits at the table, I believe that they would have to work hard even if they wanted to revert to their old ways.
The only thing more annoying than eating with a family that has rude children is being the family with the rude children. After that particularly traumatizing experience eating out with Audrey, I solemnly swore, “Never again!” Thanks to “The Manners Game,” that dinner is a nightmare I’ve never had to relive, and I hope the game works as well for your family as it has for mine.
QUESTION: What are some successful tactics you have used with your children to establish proper table manners?
CHALLENGE: Introduce “The Manners Game” at a meal with your family this week, and come back to leave a comment about how it went.
Popsicle Sticks Photo by deealyahya/flickr.com
I think sometimes as parents we rely too much on example and not enough on direct teaching. We think kids will “pick up on it” if they see us use good manners or that manners will come over time. But they actually need to be directly taught about each table manner. I decided to develop lessons about table manners using attention getters, practice and teaching the why behind each manner. I took one manner a week and focused on that. I developed 20 Table Manners lessons that you can find here:
http://www.raisinglemons.com/category/manners/
Now I feel like I can hold my kids more accountable at the table because I know they have been taught differently.
And let me also say that manners aren’t so much about what fork to use, but rather developing respect, patience and self control.
Thanks for a new idea to add to my manners tools.
This was so timely for me. I need this in our family right now with our 3 year old. Thanks for the wonderful idea.
This would have been so helpful when my girls were little!
I agree with Tiffany that sometimes we may rely too much on modeling good behavior, which may or may not take hold.
To start young is important: I have a nephew who would literally put his mouth near the plate’s edge, and just shovel the food in. He did it until he was almost 20 years old. A most unattractive habit!
Thanks for the nifty idea!
This came at the perfect time! I was just observing my 9 year old daughters manners at the table tonight (not just noticing for the first time, however) and thinking I needed to sign her up for cotillion!! Thank you for your manners game, I might just have to try this. We have had a manners chart in the past, and I may have to get that out again!
Thank you for the post. I often feel outnumbered at our dinner table. Usually it’s only me and the triplets (4 yrs old) and my 2-yr old. Dinner is the most stressful time in my day… this should be a relaxing time for the family! Thanks again for the tools. – Kara
Love this, Janine! Thank you so much!