Photo by Vlado at www.freedigitalphotos.net
Recently, one of my best friends was out biking in a very safe neighborhood with her husband and two children. Suddenly, her nine-year-old son disappeared. Her first thought was that he’d been abducted. Panic! Then, she tried to calm down by reasoning that because his aunt lives in the neighborhood, it was more likely he took off for her house.
After much biking around and yelling, they arrived at the aunt’s house–and there he was. My friend didn’t scream about abduction at him, but rather reprimanded him for not letting them know he was taking independent action. She then sat back, stressed out, thinking with fear and dread about the years that lay ahead of her with a son whose craving for independence would only increase. What my friend needs more of in her life is the power of denial.
Hear me out on this one. Our generation has been deluged with therapy and psychoanalysis. We’ve been taught that denial about our pasts, our families, and our habits, is a very bad thing; and in some cases it is. But sometimes denial can be healthy and enabling. Denial plays a key role in every day life, particularly in parenting.
Healthy denial, for instance, is what allows us to participate in virtually any physical activity as there is always risk present, whether you like to play tennis, run, or hang upside down on a trapeze for fun. It’s what allows us to get into a car and drive somewhere when a car accident could happen at any moment. It’s what propels us onto that plane (forget the aerodynamics; I just deny the plane will fall out of the sky). We clearly practice denial every day just to function in modern society; otherwise, we’d all be neurotic agoraphobics (although statistically, home isn’t all that danger free, either). Denial saves us from great amounts of anxiety, and keeps us from wasting opportunities.
When it comes to parenting, though, I think denial takes on paramount importance. In order to allow our children to do anything, we have to deny that they could be harmed. Our denial has to override our protective instincts. Even a baby learning to walk is taking tremendous risks, yet we allow them to learn to walk (although in the case of some parents, not without padding the entire house–which I feel sort of defeats the purpose. There’s value in taking a few lumps).
As children grow, the risk factors becomes bigger. For instance, I let (actually, I insist) my nine-year-old daughter walk the dog every day. It’s just a couple of blocks in a very nice area. In order to do this, I have to deny the car danger, the “stranger danger” (minimal, yet much exploited), and aggressive-stray-dog danger and so on. While none of these dangers has ever presented itself, my child has gained both competence and confidence by walking and cleaning up after the dog.
I choose to view these little solo walks as a warm up for the future. My daughter will want more autonomy. She’ll want to go to a movie with a friend, get dropped off at a shopping destination, and eventually drive herself through Los Angeles. I will have to let her do these things if I am to raise a competent adult who isn’t afraid to live life. Denial of the dangers involved serves me (and more importantly, her) pretty well: kids need to be left alone to develop independent skills.
Lest you think I’m advocating a responsibility-free cruise down the River of Denial, I’m not. Of course kids should keep parents apprised of their whereabouts. Yes, we should know about the company they keep, and intervene against bad influences. We should ensure our children are given freedom commensurate to their maturity. And we absolutely have a responsibility to teach our children how to keep themselves safe when we’re not around. But guiding is far different from guarding, and practicing a bit of healthy denial is what allows us to be our kids’ advocates instead of their jailers.
QUESTION: Do you suffer from a lack of denial in your life?
CHALLENGE: Think of an area of your life that would benefit from some healthy denial, and then try it out. Evaluate. Did it help or hinder you?
I had never thought about this topic in this way before, Jenny. Thanks for the great post. I am one of those moms who is ALWAYS afraid of losing my child to some random occurrence. I do have to be particularly careful with my 3-yr-old who loves to run away, but sometimes, when I know he’s safe, I have to take a deep breath and admit that I can’t control every single thing that could possibly go wrong. Thanks!
Wow, you have a really healthy attitude about life! In a Parenting Psychology class I took years ago, one of the points was that an “anxious neurotic” parenting style tended to produce anxious, anti-social, aggressively punitive grown children.
It takes a lot of trust and forgiveness to do “roll with the punches” parenting. It’s so awesome! Thanks for standing up for it! Your words help me a lot to stay on track for that kind of courage!
Awesome essay! I need more denial. I worry too much!