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This Question was submitted by a reader (we love reader questions!):
You thought you were done.You gave away all of your maternity clothes a year ago, sold the baby swing on Craigslist, and tossed the bottles into the recycling bin.You celebrated when you threw away the last pacifier.You look forward to no longer buying diapers and pull ups. The high chair has been sitting alone in the corner for months. When you see an uncomfortably large pregnant woman, you are so glad it’s not you. Your “baby” is not a baby anymore.
Yet, there’s a nagging sadness that you will not have anymore children.Do you take the sadness as a sign you are just not done, or are you experiencing the natural grieving process to the end of an era?
Should having another baby be primarily a spiritual decision? Is it selfish to consider your age, family finances, the impact of another baby on your marriage, your social life, and the physical impact on your body? If you are older, do you risk the warnings of “advanced maternal age” statistics? How do you know you can realistically care for one more child without completely losing your mind?
How do you make the decision to have just one more baby, or to move onto the next phase of your life?
I am facing this dilema right now. We feel like our family is complete, but I sort of want another baby. We pray about it and I think it is up to us!
I just posted about it on my blog.
http://enjoybirth.com/blog/2010/10/15/done-having-…
We had thought about it too but, when we realized there would have been a 9 year difference it made us think twice. Then our friends had a baby, and they had an 8 year age gap. Starting from scratch was difficult for them and they’re just beginning potty training again (after 8 years). SO, even though we wanted another one, seeing the difficulties of having another child, much later in life, we opted to enjoy our happy foursome. We have one girl, one boy, and we’re enjoying our fun life. We get to do things for them that perhaps a larger family might not be able to do. We’ve been able to travel to foreign countries and across the seas by taking advantage of all the “Great deals for a family of four!”. I’m glad we made a decision that was right for us.
I love all the gently-used second hand, hand-me-down items that flow into our family when a new little one is on the way. After each baby (in two days our 6th little munchkin will be induced), I get a little more seasoned and know what kind of baby items we’ll use and which ones to avoid clumbering up the house with.
I’m grateful for each of our kids. They’re treasures that have been a great asset in learning how using and training peace-making skills facilitates family harmony.
That said, we’re pretty sure this one is our last. No one feels like they’re missing now. Of course, “how to go about moving into that next phase of life” is definitely a matter of prayer. I’ve continually found that God knows what each of our personal missions here on earth is and prayer is tremendously essential in keeping that precious line of communication with heaven open.
This is a hard question to read today. I know ‘I am done’. I knew as I held my fifth little baby, he would be my last. Yet last month with a friend’s baby, and then again just last night visiting my brand new niece, I was filled with a sadness and a heartache for a newborn. And so I loved reading the above paragraph,
“Yet, there’s a nagging sadness that you will not have anymore children. Do you take the sadness as a sign you are just not done, or are you experiencing the natural grieving process to the end of an era?”
I take the sadness as the natural grieving process as the era of newborns is over for me. It is a very bittersweet feeling.
I have 5, too, and know I am done, but feel the same way. I am happy for my sister-in-law and am glad it’s not me, BUT, every once in a while, I think about not holding a little one for a long time anymore. How did it go by so quickly? I definitely made the decision through prayer. Thanks for putting into words what I’ve been feeling this past year or so…
When our 6th child was just over a year, my husband announced that it was time to go seal the deal at the urologist’s office. We went off to the first appointment and I started feeling sick about it. After much discussion and prayer he decided to postpone, knowing it woul be easy to do later, but difficult to “undo”.
Of course, 6 weeks later, my pregnancy test came back positive! And what a joy he is – now 16! We’re glad we didn’t miss out on his energy in our family. The big surprise was that there there were three more to follow….
As parents of 10, 8-28, we’d have to say the Lord can make more out of your life than you might have in mind. We’ve worked hard, but He has provided everything (especially the energy!) we needed to care for the whole gang and help them grow up to be fabulous people. We even have a few brain cells left 😉
You both have to feel comfortable about your decision, but don’t let fears hold you back. Family is the best that life has to offer –and I haven’t even mentioned grandchildren!
I feel the same way at this time in my life. It is so individual, but I do feel that no matter when you decide you are ‘done’ you will always have those feelings of sadness, I think that is natural to be sad about a passing season of life.
I think this is true for all women in varies stages of life..I just had my first baby a few months ago and now three months later am considering trying for our second. My sister-in-law just found out she was pregnant and I had a myriade of emotions-happy, excited, envious, wishful, grateful. As I talked with my mother about what I was feeling she told me that wanting another baby was a natural feeling that never left. I think that God gives us these feelings because of our special roles here on earth. That yearning may never leave a woman’s heart no matter her age or stage in life.
As I thought about my decision the next few weeks I took into consideration my health, how it would be taking care of a newborn not even sleeping through the night yet, coupled with the exhaustion of the first trimester. Whether we had enough room in our one-bedroom apartment or would another baby mean we’d have to move to a bigger place? What about my emotional and spiritual levels? Could I handle two babies so young at once? Was my body fully healed and recharged to carry another baby?
I tried to separate the natural yearning for a newborn with any spiritual prompting I was receiving. I studied it out in my mind, prayed over it and talked with my husband about it.
I considered what parenthood meant to me and how I could best fulfill my role as a steward of the children that God has given me. To everyone, these things will be different. To some, a certain amount of money in the bank needs to be there, others know they need to live close to family and have that support nearby. To others, it means dusting off the crib in the attic one more time because their time is not over.
It sounds like a lot of “work” but that is how I make decisions. Other people, like my mother, just knew it was time and shortly afterwards, was pregnant. Everyone is different. You know how God communicates with you and you will be able to discern the natural feelings of your heart and the promptings that lead to another addition or to the comfort that might come when that chapter of life is closed. When we have done all that we can do, I strongly believe that the Lord will answer our prayers. It might be or might not be what we expected but this I know: that it will always be what is right for us.
I just wanted to point out that, in my opinion, this decision has less to do with the number of years it has been since the last baby and everything to do with how the mom and dad are feeling about it. When I read “eight years,” I thought about my family, which has a space of eight years between the first four and the last two kids. My parents not only didn’t mind starting over again, they have always celebrated that decision as something that has made their family complete and brought great joy to everyone in it. On the flip side is a friend of mine, who had a new baby after nine years of waiting. She still questions that decision (eleven years later) and often thinks of all the things she might have done if she did not still have a child at home to raise. So I don’t think the number of years is as important as how much you want to raise another child.