While I was expecting my first child, I studied up on parenting like a college student cramming for the exam of her life. I poured over advice on how to wash new baby clothes, how to give baby a bath, how to get my newborn to sleep through the night, and, just for good measure, how to discipline a toddler and raise a respectful teenager.
Then I had the baby and pretty much just zeroed in on that sleep thing.
Over the course of the 16 years since the birth of my eldest (who is, as it turns out, a respectful teenager, thanks for asking!), I kept up my on-the-job training in the school of motherhood. I learned how to get permanent marker off the walls, how to hem a dance costume at the eleventh hour, and what in the world “box multiplication” is. But along the way, I also learned a few lessons that spill over onto the rest of my life—lessons I suspect only motherhood could have taught me.
1. Not every decision comes down to one “right” choice and one “wrong” choice.
When my older daughter was in preschool, my husband and I started thinking about when to send her to kindergarten. Our firstborn’s late fall birthday put her on the fence in our school district, so the choice of whether to send her as a young five-year-old or wait a year was left to us. We (okay, I) agonized over this decision. I questioned other parents, teachers at our church, the UPS guy…anyone who would give me their opinion on the subject. We were staring at door number one and door number two, and I was sure one would bring our precious girl happiness and success, while the other would RUIN HER LIFE. What if I picked the wrong door?
Ultimately, the decision was made for us: my due date for our second child fell on what would have been the first day of school if we’d sent our older daughter as a young five-year-old. I wasn’t up for two major life events in the same day, so we decided to have the baby one year and send her big sister to kindergarten the next. It turned out to be the best choice for a lot of reasons, but I learned something in the process: there were pros and cons behind both doors. Our job was to make the best decision we could at the time and then move forward.
Now, when our then-kindergartner is thinking about college, our experience so many years ago tells me that in the mix of options, we’re not looking for right or wrong, but the best fit. Maybe she’ll go to a four-year college and live in the dorm. Maybe she’ll start at a community college and transfer later. We’ll help her make the wisest decision she can—but this time around, I won’t bother asking the UPS guy what he thinks we should do.
2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Save your sweat for the big stuff.
In her fascinating book The Spark, Kristine Barnett describes a “code scale” she developed to help her autistic son reign in his reactions to life’s smaller annoyances. She told him that losing a loved one was a “code ten” on the scale of things to get upset about. An annoying tag on his shirt, on the other hand, was a “code one.” She counseled him not to waste “code ten” energy on a “code one” event (117).
As someone who routinely freaks out about everything, I love this graduated approach to life’s ups and downs. I don’t agree with the traditional adage made famous by Richard Carlson’s book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and It’s All Small Stuff. It is not all small stuff. There is heartbreak and sorrow and grief in life that cannot be brushed off as insignificant. But if everything that happens—from a “D” in algebra to a family member’s serious illness—causes the same reaction, we’re going to be living in constant crisis. We’ve adopted Barnett’s scale in our house, and these days, when I’m defaulting to freak-out mode, my tween often says, “Mom. It’s not a code ten.” Yes, dear.
3. If you are a mom, you have power. Use it wisely.
Here’s the truth: my mood can make or break a day for my entire family. By my words, the expression on my face, and the tone of my voice, I can send my family off to school and work with a blessing or a curse. This is a huge responsibility and one I often wish I could hand off. I don’t always want this much power. I wish my little family could be happy even if I’m not. But as the heart of our home, I have a unique opportunity to influence the minds and hearts of my husband and daughters. I can ruin a good day or save a bad one.
A few years ago, our family was getting ready for a long-planned vacation. This trip was A Big Deal—something I hoped we would all recall fondly for years to come. As I prayed for our trip, I asked God to help me choose not to let anything ruin our time together. I knew that no matter what happened, I had the power to cast it positively or negatively. If we all ended up with raging poison ivy or if the motel room we’d booked sight-unseen looked like something out of a horror movie, my little family would pretty much buy whatever spin I chose to put on it. (“This will be fun! We can play Psycho! Who wants to take a shower?”)
Again, that’s a big responsibility, but it’s an amazing opportunity, too—my mission, should I choose to accept it. (And for the record, we didn’t get poison ivy, the motel was fine, and we’re all counting down to version 2.0 of that trip as soon as possible, this time with increased ice cream consumption.)
4. Little things matter.
My favorite quote about homemaking is from the American psychotherapist and spiritual writer, Thomas Moore. In his book, Care of the Soul, he writes, “The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest” (285). I hear the truth of this whenever I go to parent-teacher conferences at school, and my girls’ teachers tell me that my husband and I should “keep doing what you’re doing.” What we’re doing, as it turns out, isn’t anything revolutionary and, taken as individual practices, probably doesn’t look like much. Does it matter that I yell “I love you” out the front door to my tween and teen when they’re waiting for the bus? Does it matter that my husband takes the girls to dance every Monday night? Does it matter that Family Pizza Night is a sacred, inviolable ritual my girls say they look forward to all week?
Moore would suggest that these details do matter, and I agree. I have, for instance, repeatedly witnessed the transformative power of the family dinner. Over the course of an unremarkable meal, something remarkable happens: moods are lifted, burdens are shared and eased, and we generally like each other at least a little more when we’re finished than we did when we started. This feels miraculous to me—and very important to our souls.
5. This too shall pass.
As a first-time mom, I often felt discouraged when my baby was in a stage I didn’t particularly like because I was convinced that it would NEVER END. The blessing of being an older mom is that I can look back over the years and see first-hand proof that stages are finite. My two-year-old quit throwing tantrums and morphed into a repeat Student of the Month. My teen traded her pubescent insomnia for solid sleep. (I’m trying to remember this while I’m up half the night with daughter #2). When you’re in it—I mean, IN IT—the stage seems interminable. But more than a few years of motherhood have proven to me that there is an end, even if it’s not in sight at the moment.
In my home state of Michigan, we have a saying: “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change.” Sunny and seventy degrees one day can swing to snow and frigid temps the next. Being a mom has taught me that a similar truth applies to much of life—if you don’t like what’s going on one minute, wait a little while and it will probably change.
Motherhood has shown me what I don’t know over and over again. I can’t braid hair. I’m hopeless at crafts and take-home science projects. I’m still figuring out how to navigate the complexities of tween and teen girl drama. But I’m thankful God has taught me some truths along the way. I’ll take these far-reaching life lessons over understanding box multiplication any day.
QUESTION: What decision are you facing in this season of motherhood? Is your biggest challenge today “small stuff” or “big stuff”? How can you use your mom power to build up your family? What little thing made a big difference this week? Is your child in a stage right now you’ll be glad to see them get out of?
CHALLENGE: Today, just try to do the next right thing: make the best decision you can at the time you have to make it; save your sweat for the big stuff; use your power wisely; value the little things; and, if it’s a dark day, hold on until the weather changes.
Edited by Aubrey Degn and Sarah Monson.
Image background from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
So many truths in this article! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
Thank you so much, Sarah! For all the “brainpower” I feel like I’ve lost in motherhood, I’m thankful God has taught me some deeper lessons along the way! 🙂 Blessings to you, sweet mama!
Oh dear Elizabeth, what wisdom you are sharing as a mother! We are the heart of our homes and our attitudes make or break the happiness factor within. Our family was on a vacation in the U.P. at the falls and some mother was throwing a temper tantrum in front of her kids and husband about how she didn’t want to be there (was the woman crazy or something, not want to be at the T. falls in MIchigan???!!!!) Her husband was trying to calm her down but she had definitely ruined what could have been a beautiful day with family by her extreme selfishness. I often have to remind myself of the the Book of Proverbs about the foolish woman tearing down her own household when I want to have a meltdown. Who is suppose to be the adult here? Also, in a recent sermon we heard, the pastor talked about resistance and to expect it when we are pressing forth in God’s kingdom. This has big applications in motherhood as we try to set up good family traditions, have godly family standards and create family memories like vacations! It is not for the cowardly as sometimes we are met with complaining, whining, and rebellion but it is worth it in the long run when our families are nurtured in God’s love solidified by a family who strives to glorify Him by loving each other. Hurrah for family dinners too!
Thank you, my sweet surrogate big sister! You continue to bless me with your wisdom! And I needed the reminder you just gave me to expect resistance when “pressing forth” (LOVE that!) for God. Wow are you right: this motherhood thing is surely NOT for the cowardly. I will try to press on boldly with the perfect strength of Christ. Thank you, dear one!
Elizabeth, this post is pure genius! I am so, so grateful that you took the time to think about, write about, and share these beautiful ideas. I adore you.
Awww, thank you, April! You’re too kind! 😉 I’m glad this list resonated with someone else, because I’m not sure God didn’t have me write it first and foremost for me. I put it together awhile ago, and when I reread it just yesterday, I thought, “#5, girl! #5!” Because we are in a new season right now with my firstborn that I’m not crazy about. (To clarify: I’m not crazy about the season; I’m very crazy about the firstborn.) This too shall pass…this too shall pass. Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement!
I love this, Elizabeth! Thank you for writing it. And good luck with the plumbing (made me laugh!)
Well, bless your heart and thank you for reading it! I am assuming you are a mom (please forgive me if I’ve jumped to a conclusion), which means you don’t have time to read! 🙂 Thank you for using a few of your “free” minutes to peruse my little list. As for our laughter-inducing plumbing: yes…it’s either that or cry. 😉
I really needed to hear many of these truths today. The most poignant one for me today was remembering our ‘power’ as moms – for good or for evil – that our attitude brings. I can remember to bring joy and happiness, or frustration and snarkiness. I need to remember the joy and maybe even some laughter in the midst of all of this craziness… Thank you!
Lindsay, I love it: “joy and happiness, or frustration and snarkiness.” Such a contrast–and the choice of making that difference IS so powerful. I have to work hard not to let my nature and emotions rule the day…because in Christ, I CAN be who I’m not! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day in an even busier season to read and share your heart. Bless you, fellow mom!
I am a 30 year old mother of a 5 yr old, turning 6 Nov 29, son and it gas been a rollarcoaster, since he was born. My husband & I are both recovering addicts, we have been clean since Dec 2012. Learning to parent and deal with things through sobriety have been good as well as bad. I have tried encouraging my spouse to attend marriage/parenting counseling, but he refuses, I also want him to attend meetings for our addctions from the past, again he refuses. I try to be the best mom I can, but noone is perfect, obviously, but we have alot of problems we are still trying to deal with and mive forward from. With that being said I feel and have felt stuck for a while and dont know what to do. Plus my husbands cousin, (5th, not even close enough to count) has always and is still causing problems in my marriage, told my husband Mon night he is gonna have to chose, his reply he cant and wont. Imagine how i felt, so this again caused problems and a big fight. I dont know what to do because it is affecting our marriage, parenting our son and Im so tired of it. Just need some advise on how to deal with and go about this. Please reply. Thanks, Casey
Casey, my heart just breaks for you and all you are dealing with! I know I am not qualified–either by profession or by experience–to counsel you on what you should do and don’t want to offer you misguided advice. I do know that “just do the next right thing” has been a guiding principle I’ve followed in the last year, because while I certainly do not face anything like the burdens you’re carrying, I tend to want to figure out the next 10 years and do everything all at once…NOW. Sometimes, it helps to just figure out what the next right step in front of me is and do it (and sometimes, that looks like just getting out of bed in the morning). I encourage you to seek qualified counseling and guidance, even if your husband will not (although I know I cannot image how hurtful it must be when he refuses). I often have to remind myself that God is not asking me what anyone else is doing; He is only asking me what I am doing. Lastly, I want you to know that what hurts you hurts Abba, for He is the God of passionate compassion. “In all their distress, He too was distressed, and the angel of His presence saved them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them; He lifted them up and carried them” (Isaiah 63:9). I will be praying for you…and I mean that.
This was so fun to read. I remember the decision about whether to send my first son to Kindergarten being so huge. Now we are putting together high school schedule and it will be helpful to remember there are pros and cons behind each door.
Choosing or not choosing a certain class this year will probably not RUIN HIS LIFE!!
Good advice not to waste “code 10” energy on a “code 1” event.
P.S. I have chosen to accept my motherhood mission. So I am right there with ya. !
Julia, I’m so honored and glad that you enjoyed it! 🙂 And yes…you are right about that high school schedule. There is “best under known circumstances at the time” not “perfect under any and all circumstances that have ever existed”! I will say from experience that having your high schooler take 3 killer “core” classes plus a killer “elective” while being a full-on band geek and taking 5 dance classes a week is not the best idea (#rookiehighschoolparentmistake). Heehee…our daughter did survive, but we apologized a lot for letting her take all that on!) Big blessings to you, fellow mom-on-mission!
I felt like I was reading some of my own thoughts. I’m still a young mom and my little boy is only 4 but already I feel like I’ve learned SO MANY THINGS. The wisdom I’ve learned in my short time has also taught me that I still have MUCH to learn, though. And I’m trying to learn that not knowing something is really only a code five almost 100% of the time 🙂
This was a great reminder and something I will keep in mind for the next, oh, few decades haha
Thank you for sharing!!
Well, bless your young mama’s heart, Rae…with four years under your belt, you surely HAVE been on the school-of-motherhood fast track course! 🙂 And I will freely tell you that even with now-17 years of “coursework” behind me, I’m still trying to figure this out as I go along. May God bless you and your little boy, and may your “code 10s” be few and far between!
This is one of my favorite articles I have read at Power of Moms, and I have read quite a few! Thank you for sharing these golden insights, they are so valuable! There are several quotes in here I need to go write on my bathroom mirror to remind myself when times are tough. Thanks so much for taking the time to write this and sharing the wisdom you have gained.
Well, Megan, bless your heart–for you have just greatly encouraged my heart! Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind words! And I’ll tell you something: I, MYSELF, need to write a lot of this on my bathroom mirror as a reminder…because just because I’ve “learned” it doesn’t mean I always put those lessons into practice! And as I’m sure you know, motherhood is a job with a perpetually steep learning curve! 😉 Thank YOU so much for taking time to read my little list and, again, for your sweet comments. Blessings on you, mama!
YES to all of this! You especially hit the nail on the head when you talk about how quickly each stage goes. I’m in that “oh-my-goodness-when-is-this-two-year-old-going-to-stop-wanting-me-to-hold-his-30-plus-pound-body-while-I-make-every-meal?” stage. But I look at my older two and I realize how quickly it goes and so I hold him while I scramble eggs. I hold him while I make PB and J’s and I even hold him while I go to the bathroom. Yes. Yes I do. I’ve learned to enjoy each phase even more knowing how quickly it goes by! Thanks for your wisdom on all of this! Love your insight. 🙂
Oh, sweet Christine, thank you! I LOVE the mental picture of you holding your littlest guy while you do the rest of life. And I have to say, now that my “baby” is a too-cool-for-words middle schooler, you are making the right choice. Hold him while you’ve got him because those memories are gold down the road. P.S. YOU are a riot…re: “Yes. Yes I do.”
What an amazing and entertaining read!
My mom is great, and she’s had 11 kids…often in those stages wondering when it will end. Because when it ended for one child there was another one to take its place. Haha. She’s awesome and has entered the stage where she has a couple of adults, a couple of teens, and several under 12. Some of this is new territory, but she always rises above the situation.
My mom does have power.
~Haley
Aw, thank you so much, Haley! Your mom is Ah-mazing with a capital “A” for sure! I love that you see and acknowledge that she does have power…and no doubt, you’ve been blessed with her wise use of it. You are learning from a pro for the future. Can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! 🙂
Very Nice Post!! Every experience in life teaches us something. Motherhood is no different. There is no easy way to learn parenting and it’s a lesson learned in its own course. Here are some lessons motherhood has taught me over the last few years. http://www.mycity4kids.com/parenting/mums-the-word/article/10-lessons-learnt-from-motherhood
Thank you so much! You are right: there IS no easy way to learn how to be a mom. And the learning curve never does completely straighten out! 😉 I’m over looking at your list right now! 🙂