The birth of my first child, CJ, was a shocking experience. When we arrived at the hospital, my husband rushed me down the hall, while I bellowed long, guttural screams past nurses who panicked and frantically directed us into an empty delivery room. Brad practically catapulted me onto the bed, where I landed on all fours. I howled with every push and cried between contractions through the curtain of my sweaty, matted hair.
“I can’t do it! I can’t do it!” I screamed.
The nurse cheered me on. “You’re doing it, baby! You’re doing it!”
CJ slipped out into my just-arrived doctor’s hands, and he and the nurses handed her up to me through my shaky legs, the cord still attached. I struggled against gravity to cradle her up to my hyperventilating chest. But where there should have been euphoria, joy, and soul-shattering love, I felt only a surreal shock—absolutely the opposite of what everyone prepared me for. My first few minutes of motherhood felt anything but natural.
Despite having been an excellent teacher before having kids (if I do say so myself) and having had years of experience with children, a great deal of motherhood has felt surprisingly unnatural for me. I have to remind myself constantly to talk to my children throughout my day, to get them involved in what I’m doing instead of going about my work or being stuck in my own thoughts, to take one-on-one time with them, to be silly, to get on their level, to meter discipline with love, and to handle with grace the fact that they are always, always in my personal space.
There are a lot of things that have come naturally to me as a mother, but they aren’t necessarily the good parts of motherhood: the anxiety, the incessant worry, the guilt, the overly-high-expectations I carry, and the critical inward voice driving me to be better. When I was pregnant with CJ, I had a pretty realistic view of what things would look like as a new mother. I knew it was going to be a difficult transition and that there was so much I would need to learn. I felt like I had been mentally prepared.
I felt prepared to handle those first moments and days with her, and I felt a great fondness and a protective love for her, but not the all-encompassing connection that I had heard about. I knew that for me, that kind of love would probably take time and be hard-earned. I felt prepared for the feelings of helplessness, of worry, of not knowing what I was doing with even the simplest of tasks. I was patient with myself because I recognized that I was new at this motherhood thing.
Five years and two more kids later, when I have difficult days (the kind where I fantasize about taking a vacation with my baby, because he’s been the only nice child that day), I need to go back to my roots and remember: I am still new at this. I have never had a 5-year-old before. And while I’ve had a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old, I have never had these particular children.
Each year with each child will hold different struggles and journeys. Each year I will learn more about my own weaknesses as I see them reflected in the actions, words, and habits of my kids. I will be stretched, kneaded, punched, and pulled. I will be forced to change and to do better, to rise to the occasion, because that’s what my children need from me. That’s what I need from myself.
Some women out there were made to be mothers. My own mother comes to mind. These women thrive on childrearing tasks that make me pull my hair out. They know they aren’t perfect and neither are their children, but they genuinely feel purpose behind their work, much of which appears to be instinct-driven. Then there are women like me, who struggle with not feeling natural at this work we have chosen to embrace. Women who more often feel burdened by the daily tasks of motherhood and struggle to find fulfillment in them, who grapple with our own growing pains, even if being a good mother is what we truly want, at the heart of it all.
So to me and women like me, I say this important reminder: Motherhood isn’t about being, it’s about becoming. At each stage of motherhood, we are beginners. We don’t just become mothers when we give birth; we become mothers as we trudge through all the trial and error, the self-doubt, the worry, the overwhelmingly hard days, and the joy, too. We become mothers as we learn to look for that joy and use it as fuel for the stressful times.
Some of us might not feel like we were born to be natural mothers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t become them. We can make the choice every day, through all the stress and exhaustion, to become the mothers we want to be. It can be our choice to constantly evaluate, change, and try again. It can be our choice to dwell more on what we naturally do well and use that to mother in our own way.
It can be our choice to practice, practice, practice until mothering is who we are at our core, until it feels natural. It can be our choice to let our children transform us into the mothers they need us to be, the mothers we want to be, too. It can be our choice to become the mother of our dreams.
QUESTION: Did mothering seem to come naturally to you or did you have to grow into it?
CHALLENGE: This week, focus more on what you naturally do well as a mother and celebrate the unique strengths you bring to motherhood.
Edited by Lisa Hoelzer and Megan Roxas.
Image from Shutterstock; graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Feature image provided by the author.
What a great post! I feel like I could’ve written this!!! I was also a great teacher before becoming a mom (if I do say so myself?), but transitioning into motherhood has been a doozy. Thank you for putting these complicated emotions and thoughts into words!!
I am a board member with POM and I submit some of our best content to the Deseret News for publication on their family life blog. Can I submit this? If so, please respond with your email address so I can contact you with more details. Thanks!
Oh, I’m so glad you can relate! On many levels!
I would love this essay to be submitted. My email is [email protected]
Thank you!
Oh! I also wanted to ask your thoughts on how to honor the fact that motherhood isn’t *all* that we have to be. I think that for women like us, in a way it can be dangerous to try to keep working harder and harder at motherhood when it doesn’t come naturally to us–it can add to the guilt and such. Sometimes I think it’s okay to just accept that we can do other things too. Like work outside the home if we want to and have other passions and still be great moms. Not sure I’m making sense. I think sometimes I’ve had to stop trying so hard at motherhood and just be myself. Thoughts?
You are totally making sense–I can’t agree with you more! For me, it means accepting that I’m not really great at getting on the floor and reading with my kids. But I am good at introducing them to books, musicals, and dancing! It’s really freeing to embrace the parts of us that do come naturally as a person and translate that to motherhood. I think we are officially internet friends!
Hi friend! I loved this. It totally resonated with me. “at each stage of motherhood, we are beginners.” SO TRUE! Even if we have a baby when we have older children, the world will be different than it was when we raised the others (thinking of my mom–we are so spread apart). All of it is a new experience and we should give ourselves grace and love on the journey. Thank you for writing! I always knew you’d be such a great influence for good in the world! xoxo
Rachel Borup Johnston 😉
RACHEL! It’s a thrill to hear from you. You made me cry! I just love you and am so grateful to have you both in my past and present life. Thank you for your wonderful support!
Monica this was just perfectly written and speaks volumes about you as a mother! I truly think the fact that you recognize and embrace the effort it takes to mother WELL makes you all the more attuned to your children and this life experience as a whole. The amount of which motherhood feels natural or not has no bearing on how much you love your children, and that rings so clearly here. They’re so lucky to have you just as you are and we are lucky you’re sharing pieces of your heart with us to learn from. ❤️
Danielle, thank you for being such a good friend and supporter! Your comment made me tear up and instilled a lot of confidence in me. I love you and thank you!
I agree with all you have so eloquently stated, changing out the birth part to adoption of 3 girls at once, 3 different ages. I do envy the mothers who make motherhood look so enjoyable and remind myself that I only need to be the kind of mother my child needs, and it can be different for each one. One needs a mom who gives hugs and says great job, another needs me to listen and smile. And I need to stop doing what my mother did if it doesn’t work for me and my family. But, yes, it all seems like work and not the fun kind most of the time. 😉
That sounds so, so difficult! I’m truly amazed with you. That gives me a lot of perspective. Glad you can relate about the work portion as well!
Monica loved your essay!
I am a nurturer by nature and love kids. Even with that there are times that are hard and challenging!! Where I find myself now is in uncharted territory with my teenager! Ugh I look back and when they are small it is easier in so many ways. At this stage it’s a lot about letting go , giving more space and each day rewriting your life and rules. This is one of the toughest jobs on the planet but it’s still filled with never ending blessings:))
I’ve heard what you’ve said quite a bit, the fact that while little kids has its challenges, older kids introduce a whole host of new difficulties. It really is the toughest job in the world, but I’m glad we can give each other perspective, as you did for me today!
Thank you for this. Glad to know I’m not alone in feeling like a fish out of water as a mother. But like you I’m deeply committed to becoming a better one each day.
You’re absolutely not alone!
Thank you for this post. I can relate to so much of it.
Thank YOU! That makes me so happy.
Almost 19 years and it is still a learning journey. It is so true that every season is new to us because we have a different child in that season! Sharing this on my FB page!
I’m so glad to hear it can continue to be something we learn and cultivate! Thanks, Serene!
I do agree. I also think it applies to all professions, not just motherhood. But (I am being brutally honest here) I have come to the realization that it is a spectrum, yes, it can not be natural but grow so with practice. But how much and at the expense of what? Before I became a mother I had pictured a house full of children. But I’m afraid I have to admit to myself that there will just be one. It is just too hard for me.
I agree with you, on all fronts! And another the brutal truth: the amount of children you have does NOT correlate with how good of a mother you are. I think too often we automatically assume a mom is “good” because she has a large family; this just isn’t true. Each child is so different; some children need to be the sole child of a family, they might be worth five children in terms of how difficult they are to raise. You know what’s best for your family, and you keep doing what you’re doing!
Hi Monica, thank you for taking time to reply – you made my day 🙂
I am certainly guilty of assuming a mother with more children is better, my son’s school has a lot of mothers with 3+ kids and I feel terribly inadequate near them like I can’t open my mouth ever to say anything. Bet if they knew that they’d think I’m being completely ridiculous 🙂