My son is currently upstairs in his bedroom moaning, groaning, and stomping around.
Today, as he walked in the door from school, I asked, “Hey, can we look at your backpack together?” You would think this a perfectly reasonable request from a mother.
“No” was his short reply.
After another disagreement about his jobs that he needed to complete, he was sent to his room for ten minutes as a consequence for breaking the family obedience law.
As I’ve been listening to his laments, and wondering what is causing the emotional breakdown, I realized today is his third day back in school. As a six-year-old, the whole day at school sometimes wears him down. The more I’ve thought about that, the more I’ve realized that there are actually many factors playing into his “unacceptable” behavior:
- He’s back in school, a switch in his routine.
- He’s been playing baseball and getting to bed later than normal.
- He woke-up earlier than usual this morning.
- He hasn’t had a snack, so he’s hungry.
- He’s been asked to do a chore he hates (putting his clean, folded clothes away in his drawers and closet).
Add all of these factors up, and I can understand why this little guy is having such a difficult time. But it is so easy for me to get frustrated with his meltdowns and tantrums and get lost in the moment with my own feelings of anger. It takes a lot to pull myself back out of the moment, look at the factors involved, and see what is really causing the bad behavior.
I’ve thought about my frustration when we are on vacation or celebrating a holiday and the kids are acting out when we are supposed to be bonding as a family. When I reflect on the reasons for their misbehavior during what is supposed to be a fun time, I recognize many contributing factors: we are living out of suitcases, they are out of their routines, and they don’t have a “safe space.” We are all tired from travel and staying up late, stuffed full of sugar, and overstimulated. Then I expect them to be cooperative and angelic. Is it really fair for me to be frustrated with them when I’m the one who has put them in this situation?
As a mother, it is easy for me to expect my kids to own their behavior and find the willpower to change it. Many times that should certainly be the case. But it is also important for me to remember that often their bad behavior has a cause, or multiple causes, and I very well could have a hand in the conditions they are experiencing, along with the resulting behavior.
If, in the midst of a breakdown, I can step back and see all the factors coming into play, it will be much easier for me to have mercy in the moment. I just need to:
1. Have enough willpower myself to stop reacting.
2. Step away for a moment and ask myself, “What are the contributing factors?”
3. And then find mercy in my heart.
The ten minute buzzer is beeping, and it’s time for me to go upstairs to get my upset son from his room. I am going to snuggle him close, tell him I love him, and ask how his day went. Even if his behavior doesn’t dramatically improve the rest of the day, I know my attitude towards it will.
QUESTION: Does your child ever have meltdowns during family vacations, holidays, or right after a change to his/her routine?
CHALLENGE: The next time your child has a meltdown, step away for thirty seconds and ask yourself, “What are the factors leading up to this behavior? Are there factors the child has no control over?” Use those thirty seconds to find mercy in your heart as you deal with the negative behavior.
Photo by Phaith Photos at www.flickr.com
This is crazy true. I find that I often give my babies and even toddlers a lot of latitude regarding these factors: hungry, tired, overstimulated babies are GOING to cry and fuss. But as they get older, I want them to just get over it and behave! What’s really funny, is that even I have meltdowns when we’re on vacation or out of routine, so I really need to work on this!
Amy your not the only mom guilty of meltdowns. After I wrote this I started noticing that I have “tantrums” in different ways for the same reasons. I lose my patience easier and of course with all of us tired, hungry, and upset it makes for the perfect storm. I’m learning that recognizing it for what it is is the first step to having the needed mercy. 🙂
OMG Loved this post!
We went on a Disney Cruise in late September, and even though we had an amazing time, my daughter (the usually calm and collected kid) had 2 days of meltdowns in the afternoon…usually after 4-5pm. On the 2nd day, we realized that she was just plain tired & overstimulated for sure. After me getting upset (and making it worse..great mommy moment there!)we came up with a plan: she’d NAP for at least an hour in the afternoon. And no, she’s not a napping kid; she stopped her naps at 2.5 years old. But we made her take one anyway.
IT WORKED! Actually, the first time we did it we had to wake her up after 2+hours of sleeping!
We definitely learned our lesson for next time!
Thanks Frances! I love that you figured out your older daughter needed naps. I know it gets really bad during the holidays too when there are so many late nights up watching movies or being at parties. Sometimes we make our kids go down for “quiet time” with a book in the afternoon and more often than not they fall asleep. Thanks for sharing your great insight!
I just experienced this with my 8 year old son yesterday! Thanks for sharing your insights.