What I Learned from Mandatory Bed Rest (not the pregnancy kind)

So what has this meant for me? To have my “wildest” dream come true? (I know, I need bigger dreams . . .) To have hours upon hours alone at home in my bed feeling completely guilt-free about neglecting the usual household responsibilities? Well, a few things, but I’ll give you my top three.

(1) Kids are much more capable than we realize.

Incredibly, the sky has not fallen without me there to hold it up this past week. My kids have made themselves food. They’ve cleaned up after themselves. They’ve done laundry. (Maybe not according to my standards, but hey, what do I care? I’m on vacation . . .) They’ve taken care of me, for crying out loud! I know this might feel threatening to moms who want to feel indispensable, but remember: your ultimate goal is to make sure your kids can live without you. And that takes practice.

I was never more proud than when my kids got up and got themselves ready to go to church on time by 9 am this past Sunday. (My husband needed to be there much earlier for something else.) Hearing my teenage daughter yelling for everyone to get in the car was like music to my ears! Yes, our children want to rely on us for a lot of things long after they are capable, and yes, we might like to feel needed and in control of the home where we are used to being in charge, but really, our older kids are quite capable of taking care of themselves in many ways and doing A LOT of the work at home. As they should.

When the kids are at home, be present.

I seriously had no idea how much I’ve been trying to do and how distracted I’ve been during the after school and evening hours until I had this surgery. As every mother knows, there’s no such thing as “done” and it can be a temptation to be constantly trying to get on top of that endless to-do list by “multi-tasking” (code for distracted and frazzled). Don’t do it. Not when it’s time to really be present with your kids. (This is an entirely different discussion for mothers who spend every waking minute of the day with their babies and very young children.)

Without the ability to buzz around the house as usual, and with a newfound focus of what daily habits and routines are most important to me and my family’s sanity and success (more on that in #3), I’ve felt a surprising sense of peace and satisfaction during what have historically been the worst hours of the day. Why? Simply because I’ve been making an effort to really be present and focused on helping with homework, keeping everyone on task and on time, making sure we gather for dinner and some family time, and of course, getting everyone in bed at a decent hour. (Is it just me, or is that the source of all happiness in other homes as well?) Don’t hate me, but I’ve even been reading “Anne of Green Gables” out loud to my girls in the evenings. It may take some work not to revert to my old, scatter-brained ways of trying to do too much at once, but after this experience I’m committed to try.

(3) Deliberate motherhood isn’t always hands on.

If anything, I’ve had an overwhelming realization (or rather, remembering) that some of the most important parts of mothering are NOT hands on. Granted, in my current stage of motherhood that’s mostly because I no longer have little ones tugging at me all day long, but as I’ve delegated my current hands-on work (cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving, etc.) while still handling “everything else” from my bed, I’ve remembered that the most important work we do as mothers is often done in our minds and our hearts.

Not only have I spent several hours of my time this past week thinking about each one of my children individually (which has led to all sorts of things like emailing teachers about reading progress, researching service opportunities for teens, creating and typing up after school schedules, and inquiring about ACT prep courses), but I finally took some time to really think about my personal and family goals and make a comprehensive plan for how to accomplish them. Every January I intend to sit down and take some quiet time for this, but it doesn’t always happen. Why? Because there is always–always–so much to do with our bodies and our hands. It’s hard for many moms to justify taking several hours of personal quiet time to “just” sit and think and plan. It feels so . . . unproductive. And yet, I’m here to say there is nothing more productive than stopping to reflect, assess, dream, and plan when it comes to the long-term “project” of raising human beings.

In fact, that is at the heart of Power of Moms and deliberate motherhood, and I would encourage every mom reading this to consider many of the resources on the website specifically created to guide you in this process. You shouldn’t have to have knee surgery to feel like it’s okay to neglect some of your usual hands-on responsibilities (which will always be there!) to take some personal quiet time for the equally if not more important work that happens in the heart and mind of a deliberate mother.