Photo by Spritti Bee at www.flickr.com
Maybe you’ve found yourself in a huge mess of paperwork and wondered if everyone else has their files beautifully organized. Or maybe you’ve been at a loss for words when dealing with a teenager, and you assumed that everyone else knows instinctively how to handle the huffs and eye-rolling. Maybe you’ve been stressed out because you kind of snapped at your husband and you’re wondering if you’re the only imperfect wife out there.
I won’t say I’m the ultimate expert on this, but I can say that among the thousands of mothers I meet through The Power of Moms, I’ve never met a mother who has been alone in her struggles. The specifics are always unique, but the basic challenges are surprisingly the same.
At our Arizona Power of Moms Retreat in November, I participated in a lunchtime discussion about margins and boundaries. One mother confessed, “I don’t know if I’m the only one, but sometimes my children drive me crazy! They are so noisy, and they always want to sit on my lap, and they whine so much. Sometimes I just want to go hide!”
There was a brief pause, and then another mother replied with a dead-pan straight face, “No, I think you’re the only one who ever feels that way.” And then the whole group just laughed.
We love motherhood–don’t get us wrong, but of course there are times we don’t love the nuts and bolts of parenting.
So in case you’re ever feeling like “it’s just you,” here are a few ideas of comfort:
Idea #1: Ninety-five percent of motherhood isn’t glamorous.
I totally made up that percentage, but at this stage of the game (with four children under 12), that’s about how I feel. To prove my point, I’ve started taking pictures of the unglamorous stuff I rarely see on blogs or websites:
Like the laundry queue:.
Photo submitted by April Perry
The pile of stuff in the hallway that needs to be donated to charity:
Photo submitted by April Perry
The sink of dishes:
Photo submitted by April Perry
The blanket/pillow/towels/bowl in the corner of the bedroom for a child who has the stomach flu:
Photo submitted by April Perry
And the spaghetti on the floor:
Photo submitted by April Perry
If I could include audio clips here, you’d also get an earful of the following:
- He’s hitting me with his elbow!
- I need poster board from the store right now.
- That dinner makes me want to ‘frow up.’
And then, of course, there are all those underlying, personal, really hard problems that every single person has to deal with. Glamorous? No. Reality? Yes.
Idea #2: The five percent that is glamorous is worth the effort associated with the ninety-five percent.
If you scroll through a website like www.parenting.com, you’ll see hundreds of darling images–children laughing in the arms of their mothers, babies playing happily while their mothers exercise, and precious toddlers dressed in stylish clothes while utilizing the most trendy baby gear.
Aside from the fact that enticing photos contribute to high page views and potential purchases, I think the reason that print and online media sources focus on the beautiful aspects of family life is because the glamorous “five percent” (or whatever the number is) deserves to be shouted from the rooftops.
I peeked over the banister from our upstairs landing one day and saw my children having a “Daytime Camp-out”:
Photo submitted by April Perry
One evening, I slipped into my boys’ room and saw my husband reading, Going on a Bear Hunt from the crib:
And there are always those cute toy scenes that make me smile–like when the storm troopers take a rest under an umbrella:
Photo submitted by April Perry
There are tons and tons of beautiful moments that occur over the years, but we have to look for them carefully, and we need to realize that they come at a cost . . . the ninety-five percent.
Idea #3: The result of our mothering efforts will be greater than we think.
One day, I was taking a bath with my two-year-old, and we were playing with foam letters. He’d just learned to recognize each sound, and I was teaching him how the pieces fit together to form words.
I put up three letters, “R-E-D” and said, “Red.”
Photo submitted by April Perry
My son looked confused, and then pointed to each letter and said, “Purple, Blue, Yellow.” I mean, come on, he knew his colors, and there wasn’t a touch of red anywhere.
That made me smile.
And then, of course, I had to apply that lesson to my life.
Sometimes I look at the “throw-up” bowl, the dirty laundry, and the children who are arguing over who got too much “screen time,” and I think, “How does this add up to powerful motherhood?”
Or I look at all the projects and emails that have simply had to wait because I need to be present in the lives of my children, and I wonder if I should just give up on all the extra stuff entirely (I’m writing this post at 3:00 in the morning . . .).
But then I think of this photo (the R-E-D) and I remember that while the individual parts may feel unglamorous, ineffective, or even stagnant at times, all these individual weeks, days, and moments of deliberate mothering will combine to spell out our family’s story. And I have no doubt that the final story will make perfect sense once I can see it in its entirety.
So to answer the initial question . . . no. It’s not just you. Mothers worldwide share in our imperfections. The majority of our lives will be full of imperfections. But consistent effort creates beautiful moments and eventually leads to an incredible final life story we can’t yet fully see.
QUESTIONS: What helps you feel supported in your motherhood struggles?
CHALLENGE: Refrain from falling into the mindset that you’re the only one who feels challenged by motherhood. You may even want to start a Learning Circle, where you can meet each month with other moms who are working toward similar goals.
Timely article~even though I would probably appreciate this article any day, today it speaks loud and clearly to me. Today started out at 5:41am with my two-year old turning on my bedroom light and declaring, “Want bef-fast.” It has rapidly gone down hill from there-and it is only 8:47am!!
I’m pretty sure I’m heading for a 95% type of day, but I’m optimistic it will be interspersed with at least a few 5%’s.
Thanks April!
5:41! Ouch. I bet your 5% will be AMAZING today . . . one of your best! Love you, Tiffany!
I needed to hear this message right now. Thank you.
This is so true!! I tend to forget that there is that 5% that makes it all worth it. Thanks for the reminder to look for the good.
You’re amazing, at only one kid in and having watched my nieces for a bit while visiting, I am wondering how I will get to the six kids my hubs dreams of and the five I want so desperately. I am glad I found the Power of Moms and all these wonderful people to start taking notes from and learning about.. helps me manage my expectations as I get myself knee high in motherhood. Thanks!
Daisy, you’re so sweet. Thanks for your kind words, and we’re so glad you found The Power of Moms. Motherhood is a beautiful growth process, and you’ll be amazed at how your capacity will increase over the years. This community is a huge resource to me, and as you learn from your experiences with your family, you’ll have so much to teach us! Have a great day!
Oh, dear. I have had this article open in my browser all day thinking “I’ll get around to that eventually.” Now, at 9:30 at night I’m finally reading it, and I think I’ll read it again tomorrow, and again the next day and wish I had read it first thing this morning. As I read it I really could feel that it’s not just me. There were parts of this article that were exactly what I needed to hear today. Some elements of it made me tear up with how close to home those thoughts and feelings are for me, and some made me laugh out loud with how similar they are at my house. Thank you for sharing and I can’t wait to meet you in just a few weeks at the retreat!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad this was helpful to you. Sometimes I feel embarrassed when I LITERALLY air my dirty laundry online . . . but I think it’s better for people to know that we’re all normal. Can’t wait to meet YOU!
Thanks for the beautiful article. I am a mother of 6. (17,16,14,11,9,5) I have days I just want to scream. i have a whole laundry room that looks like a bomb hit it, and guess what? And I was caught up yesterday. Our morning starts at 5 with early morning seminary for the three oldest. By the time the younger ones are out the door, i’m worn out. Monday my little kindergartner came running back in about the time the bus was suppose to come. He was frantically looking for me. He found me, gave me a kiss and ran back out. All I can say is the 5% is what keeps me going the other 95% of the time.
I love this post. It’s so true, and so great to see how we all struggle and all share imperfections – I wondered if you might like Photograph Your Chaos, a collection of mums photographs of mess in their homes – it’s already one of the most popular things on our site, which backs up your theory! We should all air our dirty laundry and all feel better about it 🙂 http://www.storyofmum.com/content/phone-addiction-mom-challenge-day-29-865 Feel free to join in too!
The “Photograph Your Chaos” feature is brilliant! Thanks for creating such a beautiful site to help mums. Love it! So glad to meet you, Pippa.
Hi April,
I loved your article! And yes, we definitely have to keep looking for those precious “5%” moments, whether they are truly extraordinary or just really gut-busting funny…
I’m a mother of 3 (7, 9, and 14) and there are days I wouldn’t trade for anything, but there are also a few where I wish I could get a “do-over,” but mostly it’s all really good.
Well, except for the barf bowls and endless laundry. 😉
~ Kristen Taylor
Yes, Kristen, the funny moments are the BEST! Thanks for your kind words, and I’m so glad you can empathize with my days!! Glad to have you on The Power of Moms.
I ADORE this post!! The pictures were incredible – so real and darling! I think I have a photo of my husband asleep in my toddler’s crib with her. So funny. And the storm troopers resting under the umbrella is hilarious.
When I look at all these moments every day it makes a HUGE difference. When I’m actually present in my children’s life, I see those moments a lot more. I realized last week while coloring with my kids that someone could come offer me the world and I would refuse because being with my kiddos was heaven on Earth.
Probably not long after that they were fighting and I was cranky at yet another wild mess in the house, but even then, I agree with you. Those sweet moments make all the madness worthwhile; truly an adventure. 😉
How I loved this – especially where you shared the R-E-D story. Things are not always what they seem on the surface and when we take time to dig a little deeper to notice the 5% moments, we are better for it. I am learning so much from Power of Moms and just yesterday noticed that I’m trying to be a little better at motherhood and how I react to things. I came downstairs after a shower to find my two kids (4 and almost 3) attempting to replicate a science experiment of sorts that I’d done with my older son a few months ago. (http://www.modernparentsmessykids.com/2011/08/we-tried-it-milk-colors.html) There was food coloring everywhere, a few cups of milk wasted and they were so happy to show me what they were working on. I couldn’t help but be happy, too. – Stacey
What a lovely article! it really made me smile 🙂 I have 4 kids (5, 3 and 1 year old twins) and they are wonderful of course. Like all the moms on here, I love being a mom, and the humour and joy every day definitely outweighs any work or feeling fed up (which is to be expected with kids anyway). But still, after cleaning up the entire house, then finding it’s around 11pm, then working till 1am (I’m an academic), to find you have to do it all again (the cleaning and cooking I mean, not the kids) starting at 6am (usually with broken sleep through the night) can be, at times, daunting and exhausting. Being a mom is a blessing and I am thankful every day for having 4 beautiful children who are a joy, but its nice to get a glimpse of someone else living it too and the chaos that comes with it! Thanks for this post 🙂
Thanks so much. I really needed this today.
I love this…sometimes it gets overwhelming and is hard to remember that I am not the only one who doesn’t ‘have it all together.’ The sad thing is that the one who puts the unrealistic pressures on myself is usually myself alone. But the one thing that helps me is to tell myself “I am doing the best I can.” And even when I am not doing my best, sometimes that is okay too, sometimes just doing ‘enough’ is okay. Not all the time, but sometimes…and remembering this helps me jump back quicker and be a better mom.
Our red throw-up bowl made an appearance at our house this week as well! I like to cover the beds with beach towels for easy clean up. It has never occured to me to put the kids on the floor. Brilliant! I belly-laughed several times during your post. Especially how dinner makes them “frow up.” A direct quote from my three year old (who actually did “frow up” (slightly) after getting a waft of the feta that had spilled in the fridge that took me a day to get around to cleaning up.) Yes, having gaggers in the house keeps things interesting. Thanks for the laughs:-) Wonderful post!
How fun that you have a red bowl. I need a special “throw up bowl”! Well, actually, I guess the bowl in the picture is now IT. Prior to that, we called it the “Popcorn Bowl,” but when my three-year-old saw that his sister was gagging into it, he started crying, “Not the POPCORN bowl!!!” I promised him I’d wash it REALLY well, but for some reason, no one wants to eat popcorn out of it anymore.
Ours doubles as a popcorn bowl as well! Still laughing–HARD!
What a beautiful post! An older man without children once told me that he wished he had kids. When he was younger he figured that they were just too hard and so decided not to have kids. Looking back he said that it would have been a great investment of time and effort to have had kids. Putting in the time to raise children is the best thing that you can do. Dirty diapers, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and being up at 3 AM aren’t always glamorous but in retrospect are the best. Seeing your children grow and learn warms the soul.