I am sitting in my car at a red light. My 15-month-old son is screaming in the backseat, and I am a ball of frazzled nerves. As we were walking out the door for his doctor appointment, cutting it close on time as usual, he had a blow-out diaper, and now we are going to be late.
I watch the minutes tick by (seriously, how long can one stoplight be?!), and I start to berate myself for my poor time management. “If you would’ve planned ten extra minutes for getting ready, Rachel, this wouldn’t have happened,” I scold myself. “When will you ever learn?!”
My negative self-talk continues, and by the time we reach the doctor’s office, I have convinced myself that I am a failure as a human being, and I might as well give up on the day altogether.
Obviously, my response to this situation is a gross overreaction (and may have been embellished a bit for the sake of a good story); but I will admit that as a busy, imperfect, young mother, I feel stressed out a lot of the time, and I am very, very hard on myself.
This critical way of thinking about myself and my life is totally ineffective. It doesn’t motivate me to accomplish more or to do more; if anything, it actually makes me less likely to make the most of the day because I feel so discouraged.
A few months ago, I decided that I’d had enough of my negative thinking, and I attended a class about dealing with stress in healthy ways at a local counseling center. We met multiple times and discussed ways to regulate our emotions when we are faced with enormous trials that are out of our control (such as the death or illness of a loved one), as well as ways to deal with everyday stresses—the types of stresses that are inevitable in motherhood.
The most effective strategy that I learned from this class is the use of “coping statements” when I am in the midst of a frustrating moment. Coping statements are short, pithy sentences that remind me to focus on the now instead of the past, accept the situation for what it is, and be kind to myself when I make mistakes.
My favorite coping statement is “It is what it is.” It has become a sort of mantra for my life because it applies in so many circumstances—sometimes situations that are out of my control (such as when my son doesn’t take a good nap and is unbearably grumpy) and sometimes situations that are the result of my silly mistakes (such as when I forgot to pay our rent when we were on vacation and thus incurred a late fee.) It is what it is. Life is not perfect, and I am not perfect, and that’s just the way it’s always going to be.
This simple, five-word sentence has made a noticeable difference in my daily stress and happiness levels. Now when I am running late to an appointment because of a blow-out diaper or some other unexpected calamity, I take a deep breath and repeat my mantra. It is what it is, and no amount of stressing, worrying, and guilting myself is going to change this situation now. I will face whatever consequences result, and I can apply what I’ve learned from this experience in the future—but for right now, I am going to choose to let it go.
Other coping statements that have helped me when I’ve made a mistake or am going through something difficult include:
- “What’s done is done.”
- “This too shall pass.”
- “The present is the only moment I have control over.”
- “I am a human, and humans make mistakes.”
- “This isn’t my fault.”
- “I did the best that I could in that moment.”
And when I’m struggling with my perfectionism, I remember:
- “Done is better than perfect.”
- “Something is better than nothing.”
- “Will this matter in 10 years?”
Through the use of coping statements, I have learned to accept myself and my life—imperfections and all—and as a result, I am generally a much happier, more positive person than I was a few short months ago.
*** To listen to Rachel discuss many more specifics about what she learned in her counseling class, check out our podcast: “Unhealthy Stress & Habits? Break the Cycle!”
QUESTION: Which situations in your daily life are most likely to send you spiraling into negative thoughts and a resulting dismal mood?
CHALLENGE: Sit down and brainstorm several original coping statements to address your particular needs (or use the ideas listed in this post). Next time you are faced with a stressful moment, repeat a coping statement a few times, and give yourself permission to let it go.
Image courtesy of adamr / freedigitalphotos.net
Originally published on June 23, 2016.
Fantastic, Rachel! I wish I had figured this out when I was at your stage of motherhood. It will serve you well in the years ahead when the many minor catastrophes inevitably come! 😀
Thanks, Allyson! I almost missed a plane yesterday, and as I was standing in the outrageously long security line with my son, feeling my heart rate increasing as I looked at my watch periodically, I took a deep breath and said, “It is what it is! I cannot control the length of this security line.” It helped a little. And then I sprinted to my plane, and we made it. Phew! Thanks for your comment!!
My favorite is to stop and ask myself, “Is it really that bad?” Most of the time, it isn’t.
Love that!! Or a variation on that: “What’s the worst thing that could happen as a result of this situation?” As you said–most of the time, it’s actually not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Thanks, Alisha!
Just today I was saying to someone, “So what do you want to do?” meaning that agonizing over the problem wasn’t going to change the problem. Actions needed to be taken to do something about the situation NOW.
You’re right, Misty–either ACT or let it go! Don’t just stew about it! (That’s my problem–I tend to worry, overanalyze, and fret.) I also struggle with making decisions because I want my decisions to be perfect. But you’re so right that it’s more important to take action than to sit there agonizing about a decision forever. Thank you for the comment!
thank you! I was having “that moment” at 9:30 in the morning today. Too early in the day to be falling apart, for sure… AND, the guilt from how I handled last night’s 3-year-old drama? “I did the best that I could in that moment.” I really needed to read these words today! Thanks again
I am so glad this was helpful, Janene!! “I did the best that I could in that moment” is one of my favorites. I don’t have to be perfect, and I don’t even always have to do my best–just the best that I can muster in that particular moment. Hang in there with the 3-year-old drama!! I am not there yet with my son, but I can only imagine how frustrating it can be!
Done is better than perfect! This is my motto. However, I definitely need to grasp the concept of “It is what it is”! Thank you so much for sharing!
Love that one, CJ! I am adding that to my personal list of mantras!
Fabulous post! I have always had a saying and I often ask people what they use (most people don’t… or won’t admit to one). And so great to see what others are using! I read a National Geographic article a few years back about 5 people who survived horrific experiences and one of the commonalities is that the all had a motto that they repeated. I too often use “it is what it is” … I borrowed it from a real estate agent (and friend) whom I met when my kids were 16 mos and 33 mos old. ‘Keep calm and carry on’ is another favourite that has saved my sanity. ‘Get ‘r done’ is my around the house motivator… And ‘nobody’s going to die’ when someone spills the milk etc. And ‘life’s a marathon, not a sprint’ when I can’t fit in the social connecting as often as I would like.
So many great ideas, Adele! I am adding your coping statements to my personal list!
I love your article! I often berate myself and then feel totally depressed for the rest of the day. Everyone suffers and nobody wins with that kind of attitude. Please continue your writing! It encourages me out of my negative cycle and gives me hope that I can be a happy mom while my kids are young.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Lynne!! It means so much to me to know that my writing has been helpful to even one person. YES, we can be happy, positive mothers, even when our kids are young!
Have you listened to the podcast that April and I recorded about breaking cycles of negative-thinking and stress in daily life? If not, you definitely should because it is SO pertinent to this battle to stay positive while we are mothering little ones: https://powerofmoms.com/2014/11/unhealthy-stress/
Thanks again for the comment!
Love your article. I use “it is, what it is” all the time and I’m 60. I also say many times, “100 years from now, what will it matter!”