I’ve been occasionally called a hippie since I was in my teens, but I started to really earn the label when I had kids. Over time I have switched from most mainstream products in favor of supposedly healthier versions, often to my husband’s chagrin. Years ago, when I decided I would bake all our bread to avoid the preservatives in store-bought bread, he declared, “You have a real knack for solving problems we don’t have.” Recently I’ve begun to think he may have been on to something. It seems like I’m finding “problems” everywhere. And in the process, I’m driving myself, my kids, and those around us a little crazy.
Last weekend, we were hanging out with my friend Jenny when she got out some juice pouches for all the kids. She said, “I only buy 100% juice now . . . because of you. Now we know it’s healthier.” Even though she said it kindly, I was embarrassed. My embarrassment only deepened when my seven-year-old daughter said in response, “Then why do you still use sunscreen with dangerous chemicals in it?”
I was mortified! It probably seems like I go around commenting on other people’s juice or sunscreen, but I don’t. In fact, I’m actually a little envious of people who don’t obsess about these things.
The only reason my daughter knew the term “dangerous chemicals” is because my husband, Dave, jokes about it. When we first switched to rub-on sunscreen, he used to grumble about how much longer it took to apply than the spray kind. I would teasingly tell him, “Well, if you prefer to spray our beloved children with dangerous chemicals . . .” Then when the kids, impatient to wait the 50 hours or so that it takes us to smear them with sunscreen, asked why they couldn’t get sprayed with sunscreen like other kids, Dave, teasing me, told them, “Mommy doesn’t like all the ‘dangerous chemicals’ in the spray kind.”
But it’s not just the sunscreen or the bread or the aspartame worrying me. Ever since I was first pregnant, I can’t feed my family anything without second guessing myself. Being responsible for another life is often motivation for people to make healthy changes in their lives, but for me it created a slippery slope to a state of anxiety. Let me explain:
I’ve been on a decade-long quest to feed my family the most healthful diet possible. The problem is, this is virtually impossible. Not because of picky eaters or lack of time to prepare food, but because I can’t figure out what the most healthful diet is. The more I’ve read, the more utterly confused I’ve become. I began by cutting out food dyes, chemicals, and preservatives, but that proved to be the only change that is generally agreed upon in the world of health-seeking people.
I read that veganism was the best way to avoid obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. So I converted to a vegan diet. But only until I began reading about the paleo diet, which contends that the abundance of carbohydrates I was feeding my family on the vegan diet was going to lead them to develop obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and cancer (do those four things sound familiar?), as well as issues with brain function.
I tried embracing the paleo diet and stopped making the now-prohibited, homemade bread. But I couldn’t help wondering if the vegans were right. All the fat we were now eating might guard us against brain diseases, but would we die of a heart attack before we were old enough to develop Alzheimer’s?
Then I decided maybe I could do both! Maybe we could be some kind of paleo vegan mash-up and avoid the things that either of the diets said were bad. We could skip the meat, but get more protein and fat from nuts and avocados. We could eat fewer carbs by cutting out wheat and grains and eating less fruit, but eat more vegetables, especially greens. This plan was quite an undertaking, because we were mostly left with nuts, avocados, coconut oil, and kale. At least I felt that everything I was feeding my family was best for their bodies. Right?
I wanted to solidify what I was doing, so I consulted with a naturopath. She referred me to The Blood Type Diet. From that I learned that people with type O blood—which is everyone in our family—shouldn’t eat avocados, coconut oil, or certain nuts—three of the four foods I had decided were perfect. I was utterly exasperated. This left me with kale. I don’t even like kale. But I made a lot of it. I began to incorporate kale into a meal just about every day. Then recently I read that too much kale can lead to hypothyroidism.
No kidding.
After a few days of rebelliously indulging in ice cream, because why the heck not? It’s just as healthful as kale! I decided that I had to end my decade-long search for the nonexistent. There is no one perfect food, and certainly no perfect diet. And there is no one perfect sunscreen and no one perfect bread. As I’ve learned in many other areas of parenting, there is rarely a perfect answer. We do our best and try to find a way that works well for our own kids and our specific families.
We all want what’s best for our families, but I finally see that what’s best for them isn’t perfection—not in our diets or in any area. Not only is perfection unattainable, but the quest for perfection can be unhealthy in and of itself. Instead of trying to guard my family from every possible chemical in the world, I’m going to begin what may well become a decade-long quest for a balanced approach to life.
At the very least I’m going to do my best to quit solving problems we don’t have.
QUESTION: How do you maintain balance in your family life and parenting?
CHALLENGE: Evaluate your efforts to be healthful or improve another area of your life. Is your approach balanced? What’s one thing you can do to remove stress from your efforts?
Edited by Amanda Lewis and Sarah Monson.
Image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
This made me laugh aloud. I have totally been there–so many competing claims and a mama can just make herself crazy trying to do the “perfect” thing for her family. I love your husband’s tease: “You have a real knack for solving problems we don’t have.” So hilarious. Thank you for writing!
It’s good to hear I’m not the only one. Thank you so much for your comment. Hopefully we can both not-go-crazy. 🙂
Your words and your quest make me so proud to know you, Kristal! I, too, have gone from being a vegetarian to vegan to paleo-pescatarian. And I’ve dragged my family into it less only because my kids are grown ups now. But I deal with the looks of guilty pleasure when they consume a sugar cookie in the same room with me. Thank you for sharing your journey!
Oh, Patty, thank you so much for sharing that with me! If someone as together as you, and someone for whom I have so much respect, can struggle with all of this, I’m in good company in this struggle.
I have also felt really stressed out trying to figure out how to feed my family. It’s so interesting that in our world, the word “healthy” is such a subjective term! I always feel more relaxed and peaceful after resolving to just eat more vegetables and whole foods and not stressing over everything that can be stressed about. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Your solution seems very logical and healthy, both physically and emotionally. I love the approach you found!
Kristal,
I could totally identify with everything you wrote. I remember reaching a point as a mother where I was so worried about feeding my family the wrong thing, that I would get ulcers grocery shopping! I would go home with only half of my list because I felt too guilty buying things that might be bad for them, then we would starve because the things I had gotten, no one would touch:). Eating healthy is important, but when I obsessed over it, it didn’t improve my health at all! I would be eating better, but so stressed out and constantly at war with my husband and kids. Finding balance is so important. Just as with so many things as moms – learning to do our best and then let go has been the key for me to finally find peace with “eating healthy” with my family. Thank you for sharing your journey.
I agree with you completely.
I, too, have felt unable to complete a list because of conflicting information.
And you’re so right that being healthy has to do with so much more than just what we eat. I may just make myself a post-it that says just that for a little reminder to myself.
Thank you so much for your comment!
Oh my goodness, this is my life! I feel like I am supposed to be keeping my family healthy and safe, but I can’t figure out what the dangers are. Grocery shopping is impossible. I feel like there’s never enough food to keep people satisfied because I can’t find enough foods that fit the “healthy requirements”. It seems like one way or another I’m going to ruin my kids. It’s an unhealthy and paralyzing way to run a family. Thank you for your thoughts. It was a good reminder to be moderate and to find a balance.
As much as I like to know I’m not alone in this, it makes me sad to think of other moms stuck in this same struggle.
I hope we can all find and keep a nice balance, both for our kids’ sakes and for our own.
I wish you the best!
Moderation in all things, right?! I loved your article – I think it hits home with a lot of moms in today’s information overload age.
Yes, exactly, moderation in all things! My Grandma used to say it all the time, but I’m still working on absorbing it!
Yes, I know the feeling of being hyper-concerned about what my family is eating. Some days it seems like the message is “all food is poisonous!” I just have te fear that if I relax my food “standards” all the healthy food will rot in the fridge while the junk gets consumed.
Yes, Kate, I know that feeling, too! I try to relax, but, like you, I worry that it’ll be a slippery slope to… I envision Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. But, when I’m real with myself, I realize that I’m far too neurotic for that to be a reality.
It’s good to know I have a lot of other mommies in the same boat. Thank you so much for commenting.
That Anna!! I love her very real comments!!! That girl cracks me up!! Love this article!!
I enjoyed this article! I am also on a quest to be healthy!
Been there, doing that ?. I agree with not worrying so much, but I have to share one article from Mark Hyman called, ” Why you should be a Peagan.” I don’t stress about following it, but it is a great well-rounded thing to think about and do what I can. One thing that all “healthy” diets seem to agree on, though, is to eat more veggies! So that’s a good thing for me to focus on.