Editor’s Note: Although recent studies suggest that a rising number of men and women find pornography to be acceptable, at Power of Moms, we wholeheartedly disagree. In fact, we believe it is the responsibility of every deliberate mother to protect her children from any content that is pornographic in nature. Many of our community members may have read this thought-provoking article circulating on Facebook, and we are grateful to be able to offer the following post by Melody Harrison Bergman as a jumping-off point for helping us to talk with our kids about such an important issue.
Why is it that we can tell our children things like, “Don’t hit your brother,” or “If you touch the stove, it will burn you,” or “Say no to drugs!” five million times, but when it comes to sex and/or pornography–eeek!–we think we can have one talk, pat ourselves on the back, and go on our merry way? A colleague once asked me this, and I thought … you know, he’s right!
Maybe some of us don’t think we need to talk about it at all. Okay, so porn is out there somewhere, right? But not at our house.
Pause! First of all, don’t put too much faith in that “tried and true” Internet filter. Implanting a conscience in your child is better (and less expensive) than installing a million Internet filters. And beyond that, are you sure you want Timmy on the playground teaching your kids about porn? How about the older kids on the bus? The fact is, if we don’t take matters into our own hands, that’s what happens.
Why is it that pornography is such a daunting subject, anyway? I think it’s because we assume that if we start teaching our kids something about the subject, then we will have to teach them everything. But that’s just not the case. We don’t have to over-complicate things. For instance, simply teaching a little girl about modesty is a great foundation against pornography in the long-run. When we are teaching kids, we’ve got to go back to the basics:
(1) Build trust. If we want our kids to clue us in when they are teenagers, we can’t wait until they are teens and then expect to be their best friend. We need to spend time learning to love them, being interested in them as individuals, and being involved in their lives much earlier than that. If we establish a pattern of comfortable, open communication early in life, it will already be in place if or when our children need us, whether they are seven or seventeen. When the time comes that they encounter porn–and they will–we will be there.
(2) Talk about everything. When I was growing up, my parents had an open-door policy, and I have always been grateful for that. Now that I’m older, my mother has confided in me that sometimes my siblings and I would tell them things, they’d nod nonchalantly, talk with us about it, and then after we left, their jaws would drop and they’d say “WHOA! Can you believe that just happened?!” I’m so glad they did that behind closed doors, because I always felt okay opening up about anything and everything around them. If we treat sex as a shameful and secretive subject, then our children will not feel comfortable talking to us about it. Instead, they will go where they feel comfortable–to their friends. I’m not saying that we have to condone sexual behavior that is not accordance with our values systems. Rather, we have to decide who we want teaching them values: parents or friends. If your child asks you about porn or tells you they’ve seen something inappropriate, will you freak out? If you do, what does that teach them? If we want them to come to us, we need to create a safe place for them.
(3) Teach them to respect others. Let’s be honest. At it’s core, pornography is about disrespect. It turns men and women into two-dimensional objects to be lusted after. Simply teaching children basic principles about loving others and treating people with respect will help them build an understanding of what a normal, healthy relationship feels like. If they grow up with this precedent, then when they come across something different–a graphic and perhaps violent representation–they will recognize it, and hopefully it will repulse them rather than draw them in. You don’t have to tell a five-year-old “Pornography is graphic and violent and teaches us to disrespect each other, so we don’t look at pornography.” Instead, try this: “Do we hurt each other for fun?” No. “Is it funny or nice to watch other people hurting each other?” No. Or if you’re really feeling bold: “What if someone tries to show you a yucky movie or pictures of people hurting each other? Is that something we should look at?” No! We don’t have to go into the gory details to prepare our children for what’s out there. They are so pure and innocent. When they are young, it’s not complicated for them. Hurt. Disrespect. Yucky. These are strong enough words for children. We use them every day to teach them about other things. Why not use them to start building a safeguard against something as serious as porn?
(4) Instill modesty. I’ll bet you’re doing this anyway, but have you ever thought that you’re also teaching a lesson that will prevent your kids from getting into porn? We teach our little girls not to lift their skirts or show their undies. We teach our children to keep their shirts down and not to show their bellies in public. If we’re really thinking ahead, we even teach our kids not to let anyone touch the places that are covered by their underwear. All of these things rolled into one send a clear message: respect the body, especially those special parts. We’ve all heard that “actions speak louder than words,” but in this case, I’d argue that actions and words speak loudest together. So when we’re teaching our children not to flash each other, why not tack on the “why” and stretch that teaching a little farther: “Gavin, please put your shirt down. We don’t show off our bodies to strangers. Your body is special,” or “Lucy, please keep your skirt down. Your skirt covers special parts that others are not supposed to see.” If these lessons are hard-wired into our kids, perhaps they will come to mind when they see “special parts” displayed in a not-so-modest pornographic manner.
Maybe you think I’m nuts, that I’m overreacting–that porn is bad stuff, but it’s not really everywhere. Perhaps you’re thinking–like I once did–that you will just keep a filter on your computer and good friends around your kids, and they’ll never bump into the stuff. Actually, a national study recently showed that the average child is introduced to pornography by age 11. So young. In the world we live in, it’s not a question of IF anymore, it’s a question of WHEN. So if you’re worried you are going to bring something up too early–that you will make your kids curious and drive them to seek something out they wouldn’t naturally come across–don’t. If we want to be their first contact with the subject, we need to be proactive.
So take a deep breath, Mom! We’re all behind you. Practice saying the P-word! When you end up being the first line of defense, you’ll be glad you did.
QUESTION: Do you know of any families that have been affected by pornography? (No need to name names, of course.) What do you think is the best way to teach children about pornography?
CHALLENGE: Make a goal to talk to your children about modesty and/or respecting our bodies some time this week. Setting these kind of thought patterns can go a long way in the fight against pornography.
Infographic courtesy of Fight the New Drug.
Ugh…I don’t want this to be the reality facing us as parents, but…it is. 🙁 Breaks my heart. I appreciate the tips on how to approach it, and the reminder to be proactive. Thank you for tackling this tough subject.
Hang in there, Momma! You can handle this!
Thank you very much for tackling this difficult subject.
Glad to get the word out! More material to come. White Ribbon Against Pornography week starts the last Sunday in October. Stay tuned. 🙂
Love this! Thanks so much for approaching this. My husband works with scouts and he recently heard a 13 teaching another 13 year old–who knew absolutely nothing about sex–all about it. He interrupted the conversation and got them involved in another activity, but sadly, many kids are teaching each other misinformation and skewed ideas about sex because Mom and Dad feel uncomfortable. Sex and pornography are proven addictions that can ruin lives and families. Great essay. Thanks for sharing.
Jen, I’m so glad you shared this story about the scouts. It’s nice to feel validated! It helps to know that we’re not imagining in our paranoid worst-case-scenario parent brains that this MIGHT be happening ‘on the playground’ (or in a scout tent). Your husband actually witnessed it happening. Ugh. Hats off to your hubby. Working with youth is a noble calling, and I’m glad he’s looking out for them, especially on this front! Pat him on the back for me, will ya!?
Also means he must have a rockin’ woman by his side. 😉
Thank you, Thank you for opening the dialogue on this subject! I have 4 sons, 2 of which have already been exposed to pornography by friends. This is ESSENTIAL to talk about with our kids and get over our discomfort!
Bless you, lady! Four boys! Wowzers! You rock already! Love your attitude. Keep talking. And I hope to hear from you again as we continue to put up articles on the subject.
Here’s a huge shout-out to POM for going out on a limb and accepting my article! So grateful.
Such a great article! Thanks for taking on this important subject.
One thing I’d add to your #2 – talking about everything – is that it’s great to help our children know what to do if they do see something inappropriate either in real life or on the internet. The chances are great that at some point, they’ll stumble across something on the computer, see a magazine at a friend’s house, or encounter some sort of indecent exposure from a peer or an adult. Let them know that if such a thing happens, it’s not their fault and they should come talk to you about it right away.
As I tuck my older kids in bed, I frequently (probably about once a month) and nonchalantly ask them if they’ve happened to see anything or hear anything at school or on the internet that seemed inappropriate or made them feel uncomfortable. This question often yields some important information and we’ve had some great talks thanks to me simply asking these questions. Offering comfortable opportunities to bring things up is very important.
Thank you for these additional suggestions, Saren! I agree that both creating a game plan with your kids for what they will do when they encounter pornography and asking about it occasionally are both fantastic ideas!
Thanks for your comment and fantastic suggestion, Saren. I actually have a follow-up article coming for White Ribbon Against Pornography (WRAP) in a couple weeks that gets more into the nitty-gritty about what to do …
Are you familiar with the Safety Kids program? Volume 3, is titled “Protect Their Minds” and is all about addressing pornography in an age-appropriate manner for young children. There is a song on the soundtrack that talks about if “a voice inside is telling me” it’s bad, turn around, walk away, or turn it off. I’ve heard my 6-year-old wandering around the house humming the tune to himself from time to time, and I LOVE it. Music is such a powerful teacher. Anyway … this is just one of many resources I highlighted in my upcoming article. I’m so excited that it will be coming out on the heels of this one so that parents can have some practical hands-on advice, too!
Your idea about nonchalantly opening up a dialogue at bedtime is genius. I love it. I find that my kids are more than happy to talk my ear off at that time … Maybe that’s in part because they are stalling a little and don’t want to go to sleep, but I’ll take it! I also like that you said you do it “probably about once a month.” That totally rocks! Consistency is so important. Keep it up, super-momma! Thanks for all you do. And thank you for the opportunity to be on the site!
Okay folks … this article was the “How to talk to …” And now that it’s been published, here’s the link to the “What to do …”: a resource guide I put together for WRAP Week: http://powerofmoms.com/2013/10/white-ribbon-against-pornography-a-resource-guide/
Another thing, I’ve done extensive research and my research says average age of exposure is 8, not 11. Either way, we need to be talking about this!
Ugh. It’s so horrific, isn’t it Cheryl? It makes my skin crawl. When I read the Daily Mail article, it made me sick to my stomach. I would love to have your research. There are so many sources out there. Where did you see age 8? All I know is that I have connections at Fight the New Drug, and you’re right, they told me they’ve had children as young as 8 emailing them and telling them they are addicted to porn and don’t know what to do. It makes me cry. I know it is happening. I just haven’t been able to find any reliable statistics (from studies, academic journals, etc.) to back it up. If you have one, PLEASE share!! I am always gathering info and would be glad for the help!
Great article! It’s such a huge issue facing families…It’s great to have information like this to help prepare.
I have voiced my concerns to others about this issue and have been told I worry too much and not to stress and it just drives me crazy. With 4 boys I know I need to be proactive!
It really concerns me as to what is becoming accepted and “normal” in society these days.
Thanks to Saren for your comment as well, I love that addition to your night time discussion with your kids!
Hi, Kristie. Another momma with 4 boys! Wow, you ladies are amazing! I hear you, hon! It can be infuriating to talk to people and to feel patronized, laughed at, or brushed off. But guess what? You’re not paranoid–you’re right. Sometimes we feel like we’re shouting into the wind, but you never know who is standing behind you–who will hear you. And most importantly, your 4 boys will benefit. That’s 4 lives, plus their posterity and the generations after them… Keep up the good work, Momma. We’ve got your back. 😉
Thanks for writing this. Crazy stuff out there, disappointing, disturbing and sad. I appreciate all the tips I can get my hands on to help my kids navigate all of this.
Keep up the good work, CJ. And keep your chin up. We are strong. We moms have an amazing influence. Beautiful family, by the way!
This is an important article, thanks. Two thoughts come immediately to mind:
(1) Are we, as a society, contributing to the normalization of pornography by using the term more widely, e.g. “food porn,” “sports porn”? I think so, and I think we need to watch our language in that way around our children.
(2) When our kids were young, the news was filled with tragic stories of children killed because someone was fooling around with a gun — often a family gun the kids had found. So we had the “gun talk”: If you’re playing and someone has a gun, come home immediately and tell us about it. (I’m not talking about “cops and robbers”-style toy gun play; children know the difference.) That was easy for us, as the homes our children usually visited were within walking distance, but something else could have been worked out if needed. It seems to me that a similar attitude and response could work for pornography, which in its own way is just as life-threatening as a gun in the hands of a toddler.
Hi, Linda. Thanks for your feedback. I love your #2. Yes. YES! That is precisely the point. We need to emphasize to our children how damaging and dangerous this can be–just like a gun. And we want them to be comfortable coming to us about it–no questions asked–straight to Mom, just like they would about a gun. I love that analogy. Regarding language … I think you make a good point here, and I would take it a step further. I agree that the term “porn” is becoming more common, but so is the f-word. I’d hope that we, as parents, would ALWAYS consider what we say around our children, no matter whether the word itself OR the meaning of it is offensive to little ears. Does that makes sense? We naturally think about watching our language when it comes to profanity, right? I think we also need to “watch our language” when it comes to the meaning of what we’re saying. When it comes to pornography, it’s all about timing and age-appropriateness. I do NOT believe we should normalize it–not at all! I just hope we are making it a safe subject, like your gun analogy!
I really appreciate your article! I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and have a question that I wonder whether you have an answer to. Obviously the specifics are going to be up to me, but I wanted to get some thoughts. Should I talk to my kids about it first (and at what point?) or should I wait until they start coming to me with questions about sex and talk about it at that point? I’ve been laying the groundwork by talking to them about modesty and about their bodies. My oldest is almost 4 and I was talking about this issue with my sister who told me that she was exposed to hard core porn in first grade by one of her friends’ parents. I won’t even go into how angry, sickened and sad THAT made me.
I just don’t want to bring it up before my kids can really understand what I’m trying to teach them, but I know that kids can get exposed to it very young. In addition, my own parents were closed lipped about all things sex (which caused my sister and I at least to feel it was something we were not supposed to talk about and consequently never spoke about to our parents.. the first person my sister has ever told anyone about being shown porn was me and it was just yesterday – she’s 23) and I want to breach that barrier with my own kids earlier rather than later so they know it’s ok to come to me.
Any thoughts on striking the right balance?
Christine..your kids are still very young, but it sounds like you are laying the groundwork for a very open discussion. Teaching them to respect their bodies and the bodies of others is a great start! I have told my kids even when they were young if they saw anything on the computer where people didn’t have their clothes on to shut it immediately and come tell me about it. It did happen when my son was about 6 on what I thought was a perfectly acceptable website.
In my opinion I want to be on the offensive rather than the defensive. I want to be the one to teach them about these important topics rather than waiting for their friends to tell them about it. We talk with our kids about sex at about age 8, but talk about our bodies as gifts from God much earlier and how amazing it is. We teach them that nobody should touch them where their underwear covers, nobody should show them their private parts and nobody should show them pictures of others private parts. You could start with those lessons and build on them.
My parents didn’t talk about sex either and I have made a deliberate choice that it will be much more open in my home. I want my kids to feel comfortable asking me anything. Good luck, it’s tough out there!
Hi, Christine. These are all good questions, and so many parents share the same concerns! I love Cheryl’s answer. She really makes some fantastic points.
I just want to point out something that we–as adults–sometimes miss. Children are born to us completely innocent, a clean slate. In our mind, we automatically connect “private parts” with arousal and/or sex, but they don’t. At least they shouldn’t–not unless they have been exposed to something out of the ordinary. Hormones don’t hit until puberty.
When children (at least small children) find something pornographic, they tend to look or explore out of curiosity, not because they want a sexual high. So when we’re addressing this topic–talking to kids about porn–we need to put ourselves in that mindset. We are heading off *curiosity* at the pass. Addiction comes later. (And that is a topic for a whole different article.)
I really like the way Christine put it: “teaching them to respect their bodies and the bodies of others” … “if they saw anything on the computer where people didn’t have their clothes on” … These are innocent descriptions for an innocent audience. Simple. Concise. Effective.
I think we parents freak out about addressing pornography because we assume that means we have to talk about sex, but that’s not necessarily the case. I know it sounds crazy to grown adults, but unless there has been prior exposure to sexual abuse, intercourse, or hormones, a child is not likely to need the “sex talk” at the same time as the “porn talk.” In their minds, they are two separate things … and truthfully, it wouldn’t be so terrible if adults realized that porn sex and real sex are completely different too!
I’m so happy to see parents starting to address this issue. I am a sexuality educator and researcher and I specialize in adolescent online behavior (social and sexual media) and adolescent sexual behavior. I hold workshops on how to talk to teens about sex and pornography. I can’t sum up all the research and suggestions in 1 comment, but I will say this:
1. It is really important to convey to kids that pornography is not sex. It is the commodification of sex, or sex turned into a product. 2. Emphasize that sex is a really great thing for people who love and trust each other, and if someone has been watching pornography for a long time it makes sex with the person you love less special and enjoyable.
School, church and parents are usually telling them that sex is dangerous, immoral, bad, scary, etc, while the media is telling them it is the greatest thing ever of all time and everyone should be amazing at it. Guess what message is more powerful? So, if there isn’t a recognition to the teen that sex is great from parents, they usually stop listening to everything else because it discredits you as a source. So, before you talk to your kid about pornography, you need to be real with them about sex.
For more information and resources, you can visit my site: http://www.meganmaas.com
Thank you for your comment, Megan! It really has made me think about the messages I am sending my kids. I like the 1st point, to teach that pornography isn’t sex but is a product. That is powerful.
Megan! WOW! I am so psyched to find your comment here! We need to hook up, lady! I will be contacting you soon.
I just want to be clear that this article is geared more toward small children than toward teens. In fact, we are working on putting out an article specifically about “How to Talk to Your Teens About Porn” that uses a very different approach.
In that light, your suggestions are dead on! Of course they are–this is your profession, after all. 🙂 However, I think it is important for mothers of very young children not to feel overwhelmed with the thought of talking to their toddlers like they would talk to their teenagers. Does that make sense? Very different animals, toddlers and teenagers. Well, on second thought–maybe not in some ways. Haha.
That’s great to hear! I really liked what you wrote and it is definitely going to be a different conversation with little kids. Research shows us that kids make the best choices around safe sexuality when they’ve had a dialogue going with at least one parent their whole life. For toddlers and kids it’s usually talking about differences between boys and girls (body parts) and telling them their body is for them (help prevent sex abuse), etc. Definitely not easy to do! Keep up the good work.
Great pointers for the little kids, Megan. I’m so glad you added to the comments.
Hi Please let everyone know about an important petition for the White House to consider an approach to porn like the UK, where all internet is now supposed to block content and users must opt in in order to view. Less likely for our poor children to stumble across filth. They need 100,000 signatures prior to Nov. 23rd. Here is the link http://wh.gov/lDLSu you can also view an article about it on ksl.com