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Lately I’ve found myself in a perplexing dilemma. I don’t know how to teach my four-year-old son to be selfless. I suppose he is like most young children, especially first-borns, favoring his own interests above all others. For example, today when the first hot dog came out of the microwave, he suggested, “Mom, your act of service could be to give me the first hot dog!”
The real challenge for me is that in some interactions with him, I get caught, not knowing if the best way to teach selflessness is by example or by expectation. If I teach him selflessness by being selfless, the result is that he gets to be more greedy. On the other hand, if I simply demand that he be selfless, sometimes I wind up looking like the greedy one.
Consider the following exchange. On Sunday, I decided to play the piano for a few minutes. As soon as I sat down to play, my son came over and started pushing me off the piano bench so that he could play instead. He didn’t want to play duets; he wanted the piano to himself. Not wanting to reward this behavior, I insisted that he could not play until I had played 10 minutes. I’d gotten there first, and if I didn’t play then I probably would not be able to fulfill my goal of playing that day. He insisted that he should play first, just because he wanted to.
Our struggle escalated to a timeout for him, while I played the piano for 10 minutes (not quite the “blessing to my family” that I’d intended it to be). After that interaction I wondered, did I teach my son to be selfless by expecting him to give me the first turn, or did I teach him to be selfish by expecting him to give me the first turn?
I couldn’t decide. Which is it? What do you do?
QUESTION: How did you teach your child to be selfless?
CHALLENGE: Help your child do a selfless act for someone in the family.
So, later, when it was evening and the dust of day was finally settling, I asked my husband how his talk with our three year old son went. My husband summarized and said all our son wanted to talk about was the park. That of course meant there were still a number of bricks to lay on that subject.
The next day, after walking our 5 year old to the nearby yochien (a Japanese kindergarten), our son and I took a stroll together. He navigated which sidewalks we walked down, which slugs we watched and which puddles we stared into, and all along the way we chatted. Eventually I asked him if he remembered his walk to the van after church and the park he wanted to play at. He did. I asked him if he knew why we didn’t go back and play that day. He didn’t.
So, I asked him whether he thought having God as a strong part of our family was important, what would it be like if He wasn’t, whether and how our promises out to God protect our family, and then we brainstormed what some of those promises out are. I loved listening to his thoughtful logic. I knew those questions were allowing God’s Holy Spirit to lay bricks of wisdom in that developing mind of his.
The park near our church is not going to go away. Neither is the lure of it each Sunday, yet, through something I once heard called “Judo Parenting” (from a super book called Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel), the tradition and comprehension of promises out is being laid.
Great questions! It’s so hard to know when to give in to their requests and be the selfless and kind sort of person you want them to be and when to tell them it’s their turn to be selfless! I think it’s important to help our children learn that mommies are people too. Kids under 3 don’t really get this, but I think kids from 3 up can mostly get the concept that moms have feelings and need turns and choices and lunch just like they do. After dishing up everyone’s dinner and finally getting my own, the first kid to be served is usually done and ready for a second helping and/or one of the kids wants help cutting his or her food or feels like having me feed him. I’ve learned to say “Look guys, you all have food and I haven’t had any yet. Do you think I should help you with what you want right now or eat my own food for a little while first?” Usually they simmer down for a while and wait pretty patiently for a little while after I say that.
Maybe some would think this is totally bragging, but I often point out to my kids some of the things I do for them and the sacrifices I make for them. I think they need to know that I love them enough to make sacrifices and I think they appreciate things more when they realize it wasn’t easy for me to do things for them. I think that when I point out my own selflessness, it helps them to see the value of selflessness.
Back to your piano issue – I think you handled it great. Giving in to selfish demands doesn’t usually help anyone. I think that when we draw boundaries around our own needs and “rights” and those of other people – and explain those boundaries to our kids – everyone wins. But it’s not always pretty right off the bat! And we do need to pick our battles wisely.
I thought this very thing last night while eating dinner… You know the quote that says something about “A mother is someone who after cutting up the pie realizes their isn’t enough for her simply says she never cared for pie anyways?” That isn’t exactly me. Last night we had warm rolls at dinner, and guess what? I told my children there weren’t seconds or thirds, yet (my husand and) I enjoyed more than the fair share… (Luckily, the kids were too distracted to know exactly how many mom and dad ate! 😉
However, with that being said, I think that your piano incident was very well handled. Had your child asked politely and nicely to play along side of you, that would have been different (selfish, maybe?) if you had denied the request. Instead, you didn’t reward the behavior and so, no I don’t think for one minute you were demonstrating selfishness.
Selfishness vs selflessness is not an easy lesson to learn or teach. But I think it is one of those values that is learned more often by our examples and our actions rather than our words.
And I have to agree with Saren, I think it is very effective to point out the sacrifices/selflessness that we as mothers make/portray.
Great post to get us thinking. Thanks!
That is a great question! How do we invite, involve, and include our children in selfless service? How can we create co-selflessness?
Over the years, and now with our sixth one well on the way, something that I’ve relied on in teaching selflessness is to only have “one promise out” at a time. I’ve noticed unselfish parents do their best to pace themselves responsibly. They carefully and compassionately protect their resources and help their kids learn how to as well. Resources being everything from relationships to finances to standards to energy levels.
For example, when it comes to relationships, having “one promise” out is a standard that keeps me from overbooking myself with promises to others. Financially, it keeps me from overspending. I’ve got a promise out to “use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.” With standards, I’ve got a promise out to keep in harmony with promises I’ve made to God. Regarding energy, I decide what to do or let go of based on the fact that I’ve got “a promise out” to myself to run replenished, not on empty.
I’ve learn with kids, as it is with all people, they love having validation tossed to them first before the negotiations of “promises out” take place. This is a strategy that has made a huge difference in our family.
Melanie, Can you share an example about the validation instead before promises out? Thanks!
Hmmm, an example…
Here’s one from today. We were all walking back from church when my three year old son saw a park he REALLY wanted to go play at. I smiled knowingly. He stopped short and began insisting we go back and play. So, I said, “Hey, if you could go play today, which playground ride would you go on first?” He began thinking and picked one. Then I said, “I can tell you’re a lot of fun just like Larry Boy (a Veggie Tales super hero). I reminded him of the story when Larry led them all over town visiting every fun place to play there was (the story can be found on the Veggie Tales CD “On the Road Again with Bob and Larry.”) He smiled. Then I said, “You know what, your Dad really loves to play at parks too. Why don’t the two of you talk and he can tell you how he determines whether it’s a good day to play or a good day to practice reverence.” Then the two of them had a great father/son talk as we finished walking to the van. I believe they talked about how we have a promise out to God and then they brainstormed why those promises are very important to protect.
There is a wonderful book on validation which was based on a million dollar research project. The book is called I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg. That combined with active/empathic listening skills sets a great stage for peaceful negotiations.
I don’t have any kids, but when I was in Girl Scouts we made Christmas ornaments. We each got to keep one, but we had to give one to a shelter for women who’ve been abused. Maybe if you make crafts with your son, you let him make 2 of whatever you’re making. You tell him he can keep one, but he has to pick one to donate to people in need (homeless shelters, Salvation Army, thrift shops, etc.). You can let him choose which one he wants to keep.