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Another reader question (We won’t complain!):
How does your family deal with incessant complaining? My middle child, age five, is lacking in optimism. In fact, there is rarely anything that escapes her lips that isn’t either negative or a complaint.
I heard myself saying the other day, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!” HA! Who’d have thought I’d ever utter THAT statement?!
But I’m torn. Part of me wants to tell her over and over again: Keep it in, if all you have to say is negative. Still another part of me knows how unhealthy it is to bottle up your feelings and emotions. She should be able to tell ME, of all people, how she feels.
I’ve thought, perhaps I should have her say two positives for every negative. But as we’ve tried that every now and again, it turns into “I don’t knoooooooow what to saaaaaaay. I caaaaaaaaan’t think of aaaanything.” We’ll give suggestions like “Well isn’t it great that we have a snuggly warm bed when it’s so cold outside” to which she’d reply sulkily, “Yes… I guess so. But …” followed by more negativity.
I can’t help but wonder… Is something CAUSING this? Could it be a form of childhood depression? I’d like to think this girl has got it pretty good! But who knows?
Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome!
When kids become unpleasant, how do you offer them emotional acceptance while still encouraging them to be their better selves?
The How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk people have a pretty good book, website, and training program. You can find them on-line at http://www.fabermazlish.com/index2.htm. They even have a DVD series you can purchase. Their techniques “nip it in the bud.”
Balancing their suggested techniques with a good sense of humor and lots of love is what’s triggers the joy in “judo parenting.”
Here’s another link to some great video clips by the man who inspired the above authors’ book.
http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/index.php?s=c…
Before you even mentioned childhood depression, that’s instantly what I thought of….as our family has dealt with the same thing. As the depression gets worse, so do the thoughts and comments coming out of that child’s mouth. Sometimes it seems like her attitude is: Life stinks and the world hates me.” I don’t know your child, but it is worth talking to your doctor about. My daughter is a different person after we did so. Life shouldn’t have to be that hard for a child!
Are the complaints and negativity over little things or big things? Because I think for the big things (eg “I hate it that Dad has to go to work!” or “I hate homework!”), sympathizing and explaining why life isn’t fair is a good response. Those things really aren’t so great for a kid! But if just general complaining, I think that calls for less sympathy and more reminders to have a positive attitude.
I’m still counting on the negativity being a phase. But our main strategy is to focus on gratitude. You know, you may not like what you have, but isn’t it better than nothing at all? This works for complaints about not having enough or the right clothes, toys, whatever. (In my less patient times, I’ve responded to complaints, in an off-hand manner, with “Oh, you don’t like your clothes/toys/whatever? Okay, I’ll give them all away to kids that don’t have any.” That has worked on a number of occasions.) Other times, we try to explain why the bad stuff is necessary: Yes, vegetables don’t taste as good as candy, but here’s why we need to eat a lot of vegetables and very little candy.
I think the two positives for every negative is a good strategy (we’ve done that, too). And I wouldn’t let the opposition stop you. Gratitude and a positive attitude can be learned, but they take practice. Maybe your child just needs more practice.
Good luck!
Give lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles and warm cheeks pressed together when the complaints begin – more loving pats and shoulder squeezes and whispered “I love you”s.
The big question to answer here is whether the substance of your daughter’s negative complaints are important to her, or whether expressing herself is the important thing.
In the case of self-expression, I have found acknowledging my daughter’s opinion and moving to a new subject works wonders for moving past the complaints at hand. We used to argue about stupid things she didn’t really care about before I decided I hated engaging like that. My daughter was just baiting me into arguments. It was infuriating.
Starving the negative by refusing to feed it with my opposition has been quite successful for us. By changing my response, her negativity is reduced significantly.
In the event your daughter seems truly upset, you should find out what is really bothering her. Is her overall demeanor negative, or just her words in your presence? How does she behave with her friends or at school? Does she have activities she enjoys? If she isn’t just into pushing your buttons, she may need help.