I had it bad. So bad, I decided it needs a name: “I’m a Bad Mom”-itis.
Ordinarily, I can be a mostly upbeat mom. I have a mental list of how I want the day to go, and the kids and I just go at it, give or take half the list. I think we generally get along as a family, even when we have our share of upsets.
But the last few days we have seemed to be in constant conflict. Cognitively, I know that they are just adjusting to a new living situation and the start of the new school year. Still, it didn’t take long for me to start feeling bad about everything I’ve done as a mom for the past five years. This is “I’m a Bad Mom”-itis.
In every conflict, I thought, “This is what I’ve created. My kids are behaving this way because I am a bad mom.” I could always link some aspect of the child’s behavior either to my own bad example or my own ineffective parenting. The implicit accusations were weighty and depressing. I was ready to give up on the outcome. My five- and three-year-olds were already beyond my repair.
Well, I’m not feeling so bad right now (perhaps because they are sleeping?). But I still wonder, What is a mom to do when her kids evince (unwittingly) her parenting flaws? Obviously, we should improve our parenting strategies however we can. But in the 18+ years it takes to raise a child, there will be countless times we might question how that child is going to turn out.
What do you do when you doubt your ability to be an effective mother?
Yikes! That IS a good question. I’d like some answers to this one.
I don’t know of anyone who consistently thinks, “Wow, what a great mom I am!” We all have “good mom” moments, but there’s no way that anyone can be absolutely perfect all day long.
Two thoughts come to mind. First, all moms can benefit by having the attitude that we’re still a work in progress. We’re learning better ways to teach, better ways to love, better ways to create a great home…and that’s all right. We can’t expect ourselves to be perfect at mothering any more than we can expect to play a musical instrument perfectly the first time we try.
Second, if our children are fed, clothed, educated, loved, and in most ways provided for, that is a HUGE accomplishment! I feel sad when good, good mothers are down on themselves when they are doing a tremendous job! How many children are being starved, abused, or neglected? How many orphans in the world would feel privileged to have an imperfect woman as a mom? My mothering skills may not yield the results I want, but I am absolutely doing the best I can–and trying to improve daily, and I’m trying to be satisfied with that.
Don’t know if I answered the question….:)
I don’t know if this would help on a bad day, but I make it a point NOT to read parenting books. I have a rather jaded view of them, but in my opinion any good advice they have is offset by the general tone of, “If you don’t do it this way, you are a BAD PARENT.” I gave them up when I realized the only noticeable effect of reading them was me second-guessing myself on just about everything and feeling bad because I didn’t (or couldn’t) do everything exactly like the book(s) suggested.
On bad days, though, I make it a point to just stop thinking negatively. There’s no point to it–it isn’t going to make me a better parent. It’s simple and maybe naive, but it is effective.
So, my advice if you’re having a day of Bad Mom-itis: STOP IT.
Alisha, I agree! I’ve given up on the books and magazines. I decided the best way for me to be a mom was to simply be a mom. Listen to my kids, listen to my gut, watch how my DH handles things, talk to their teachers and spend time in the classroom when possible (helps to learn who the kids are and I see calm ways to handle things), listen to my elders that can talk me through it as they know my kids and situations. Books don’t and I found them too black and white. They caused me to second guess myself and gave me way more Mom-itis than daily life ever has.
Oh, Alisha, I laughed and laughed when I read your comment. GREAT advice!
I usually start getting “I’m a bad mom-itis” when my awareness has a sudden growth spurt. The glaring inability I’m trying to overcome sneers at me like a menacing pirate. It’s so easy at those times to overlook the good things I am doing that used to be my tough opponents.
For example, after our 5th was born (when it came to managing our household), I felt like taffy in an out-of-control taffy pull machine. We had moved across the Pacific to Japan just in time to give birth to our fifth child at a tiny clinic where only Japanese was spoken. Luckily we’d found a house to rent, but it had no beds, furniture, or machines for washing clothing. Plus we didn’t have a vehicle or a nearby grocery store. It was August with 100% humidity and relentless heat, not the friendliest kinds of conditions to start nursing a new baby in. When it came time to put food on the table…I felt like bad mom-itis was gobbling me up instead.
So, during today’s bad mom-itis moment, I caught myself and looked around at the table my kids and I were eating lunch at. We had food, plenty of it. The dining room was clean and covered like an art gallery in Vilburn family drawings. And I reflected upon my current goal and realized, “Yeah, ok, so I’m not praying before every single challenge like I wish I was, yet we are eating well and our house is a home.”
Sometimes it’s a sudden realization like that that cures my bad mom-itis, but mostly, I’m trying to “let go of disappointments” like Alisha said, start over, and stick to the resolve of “doing a more inspired job” until it becomes second nature, which, of course, I end up taking forgranted as soon as the next stage of personal growth comes into view!
I feel at my worst mothering when I am sick. I also know that with more education comes more expectation that I should have the right thing to say or do to produce optimal results. I am still learning, but I love the theory and book on Positive Discipline which has helped me grow tremendously. I still make mistakes and tell the kids I am sorry, again. But I am hoping they will forget mom losing her temper since they are so young and hopefully each moment I will get better as they age in calmly responding to their mess when I just cleaned up, yet again.
Well, even in healthcare we’re constantly having to re-evaluate our “plan of care” according to health changes, etc.
Same thing with kids, they decide to throw new things at us and we have to conform.
Everyone’s a bad mom SOME days. It’s true. 🙂
I have to admit feelings of failure way too often. I have 2 girls age 3 and 1 and I get overwhelmed when I feel like I am not doing ‘enough’ or when I am afraid that I have done something to ‘stunt them for life.’ Somethings that have helped me include:
Not terribly detailed but hopefully it helps!
I’ve started a new thing where whenever I start to think a negative thought, I try to replace it with something I’m thankful for at that moment. Sometimes it’s as silly as changing “ahhh! two kids are crying right now… I can’t do this” to thinking “I’m so grateful only two kids are crying right now instead of three.” As I’ve made an effort to do this, I find it becoming more a part of who I am and I’m more often subconsciously thinking a grateful thought instead of trying to search for one like I did at first. It has really helped me turn those moments of feeling like a crap mom into thinking I’m not doing so bad after all.
Sometimes, I just ignore it. Honestly. Logically, I know my children are fine, so it has to be that stupid side of my brain that just can’t stand being happy all the time or something ridiculous like that, so I just push through it and go do something fun with my girls!