How Cool Are You?

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For the sake of this blog, let’s tweak that question to say, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how cool of a mom are you?” (You can answer that privately in your own head, and none of us will try to guess your answer!) I would also add two other questions: What makes a mom cool, and does it even matter?

Clearly, defining cool is as subjective as defining uncool, and there are as many definitions as there are mothers. But whatever your definition (cool moms go green, eat organic, play the guitar, do yoga/zumba/pilates, decorate in retro/vintage, have a photography business, dress like their teenage daughters), the kind of cool I’m talking about here today is the “I was cool in high school and I’m not going to let motherhood change that” kind. To be a little more blunt, it’s the “I’m too sexy for my shirt” kind. (Please tell me you remember that song.) And some days it seems there are a whole heck of a lot of mothers out there trying to keep up that image of cool. Which brings us to the next question:

(2) Does it even matter? The short answer is, of course not. Most women become mothers at some point in their lives, so a wide variety of personalities/styles/interests are to be expected. Among them will always be those born with a natural aura of coolness that exudes from their very being. (Think Heidi Klum.) But the rest of us? I think it only “matters” if trying to be a cool mom gets in the way of being a good mom. What do I mean? Well, do you spend more time thinking about how your kids look, or what kind of people they are becoming? Do you worry more about how your home is decorated, or how it feels when your family walks in the door? Do you isolate yourself from the support and friendship of a wide variety of mothers because you’re still concerned about being part of the “in” crowd, or do you find yourself enjoying the companionship of lots of mothers who are different from you? Worst yet, do you put too much emphasis on your children hanging out with the “right” kids, or do you try to help them learn to be a friend to everyone?

Yes, it’s one thing to keep the cool, popular crowd alive among adult women, it’s another to perpetuate the cycle among our children. Just recently, a friend of mine shared an awkward interaction she had with the mother of her daughter’s friend. Basically, this mother uninvited my friend’s daughter to an activity because her own daughter wanted to invite someone else. My friend’s comment to me was, “That’s so high school.” And it is! I don’t know all the details of this particular incident, but there’s no doubt that in an effort to make sure they and their kids are in the “cool” group, some mothers have inadvertently made others feel “uncool” – and that’s so not cool. None of us has forgotten how painfully important it was to fit in with the right people in high school, so now that we’re mothers, can we all grow up and make life a little easier for each other?

You get my point. Most of us could have cared less if our mother was cool or hip, let alone sexy. Our mothers meant the world to us because we meant the world to them. Little children don’t care one whit about their mother’s highlights, her designer diaper bag, or even their own ultra hip stroller and nursery – they just want a mother committed to their care. And young children have an uncanny ability to be accepting of everyone. So I guess that’s the problem. Motherhood requires a shifting of priorities, and some women still have their own personal coolness and the coolness of their children a little too high on the list.

Letting go of the desire to be cool isn’t about giving up or giving in, it’s about liberation. Because when you stop trying to be cool, you start being yourself. And when mothers can accept themselves and others for who they are? Well, that’s cool.

If I had the time and resources, I’d take a poll of 1000 young children and ask them what they think makes a mom cool. I tried asking my own 7-year-old about five different ways, but all I got was a look of total confusion. Mom? Cool? It just didn’t register. I tried my 10-year-old. What do you mean? I don’t know . . . And that’s how I like it, because when I’m dead and gone and my children are deciding what to put on my grave, “cool” just doesn’t come to mind. But if I asked them how much I loved them? On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I might come out all right.

About Allyson Reynolds

A Midwest girl, Allyson met a California boy in Japan, and after getting married and living in all three places together, they have spent the better part of the last decade in the Mountain West with their four children, ages 11-21. After many years of writing and speaking about motherhood for the Power of Moms organization, Allyson now produces The Sisterhood Podcast with long time Power of Moms friend, Tiffany Sowby. Along with creating episodes that focus on empowering and entertaining women, they hold monthly “Service & Sweets” events up and down the Wasatch front where they gather women to serve at a different service organization every month followed by a visit to a local treat shop. (For more information and to get involved, find them on
Instagram.

In a parallel universe, Allyson travels the world as a freelance writer and National Geographic photographer. In reality, she tries to squeeze in as many of her favorite things as possible (the great outdoors, photography, biking, cooking, living like a tourist) while trying to keep up with her busy family. Though woefully neglected, you can occasionally catch up with her on her blog, A Day in the Life and on the local daytime TV show, Studio 5