Image by sean dreilinger / Flickr.com
Have you ever felt homeless? Been in between homes? Moved in with your parents…or in-laws? Lived far away from the place you call home? Or what about actually owning a home?
I’ve been mulling this thought over a lot lately: What makes a home?
We are currently “homeless” – living with my parents while we wait for our next rental home to come available. The home we own is on the other side of the country and due to a less than vibrant economic climate, we are renting it, rather than selling it.
For the last year and a half my husband and I have lived with our little ones in someone else’s house – a darling remodel but pretty vanilla when it came to style. You can’t do a whole lot to a rental to make it your own. And who wants to shell out extra cash to soup up someone else’s income property?
Yet, we’re going to do it again. Live in someone else’s house. This one’s a charmer; circa 1950’s décor. Carpet in the kitchen. Floral wallpaper. Accordion doors on the closets. You get the idea. However, in defense of the house, the neighborhood is amazing and so is the yard.
If you told me when we bought our first home (which we loved), in three years we would leave it to rent for an unforeseeable future, my stomach would have sunk through the floor. What? No way!
Yet, here we are – renting – with plans to buy (again) barely visible off the distant horizon.
Sometimes, I get a bit glum over the fact that I can’t put myself into a home. Can’t take on the projects I would if we owned something – the painting, the gardening, the play set the girls have been pining for. I can’t seem to shake this faux feeling of permanence. Can’t ignore the longings I have to sink down roots – somewhere – and make our little spot of earth, well…ours.
When I envision the rest of the mommy-world happily settled into their gorgeous homes, with just the right artwork on just the right colored walls, I wonder – are we ever going to arrive?
Then I snap back to reality and pause, does anyone ever feel like they arrive? Surely I’m not alone in this feeling of “homelessness.”
Maybe you’re in the same predicament – living in something less than your dream home. Or living abroad like my friends in Thailand and Ethiopia (which has been thoroughly exciting but not without its challenges). Living in Egypt, like my sister-in-law with her husband and two children, where sandstorms in recent weeks have been so severe they haven’t been able to leave the house – where four out of ten of their AC units are down (it’s 113 degrees), her oven is leaking gas and she can’t find a repairman that speaks English!
Our sojourn has given me the opportunity to sift through a desire for tangibles and the perfect roof over-head to discover “home” among the intangibles. I’ve had to focus on a feeling rather than a look. I’ve tried to laugh easily, make everyday moments memorable, feel deeply, and love a little more purely.
While surveying our last home on moving day, I stood in the living room alone. It was empty, silent and echoing – the void immense. All life and spirit had been whisked out by those who used to live there and I thought to myself – homes really are no more than the people who live in them.
Truly, home isn’t just where the heart is, it’s what’s in our hearts. Home is where safety and acceptance reign, where we gather (on all kinds of furniture) to grow love and shelter dreams. It’s where we hang our hat, fold our underwear and wipe up spilled milk (or smeared Nutella.)
No matter where we live, we can create the feeling of home; women are masterful at this. I’ve recently been reminded – it’s not about the height of the ceilings, the hardwoods in the dining room, or the antiqued kitchen cabinets with chocolate glaze (which, of course, I am still holding out for). It’s about filling our homes with all that is good, and true, and tender.
New England poet, Sarah J. Hale (1788-1879) wrote, “Nor need we power or splendor, wide hall or lordly dome; the good, the true, the tender, these form the wealth of home.”
As I knelt by my Ali-girl’s bed tonight, she told me in her soft whisper-lisp about the day. I feigned a cough when laughter threatened to escape – she was looking at me with such seriousness as she detailed her three-year-old spin on life.
“Mom. I had fun today. Poppa is so silly. He says rhinoceros every morning…I loved looking at Grandma Great’s jewelry…It’s so pretty…Remember, we watched the birds outside in the wind today. The trees were blowing…Mom – the bird food is almost gone! We need to fill it up…Mom, I want to hold a bird…Can I hold a bird?”
Her words brought a wash of images to mind and I felt grateful. These past few weeks of “homelessness” have found my girls tucked into the couch with their Grandparents reading stories, planting bean and pumpkin seeds in the garden, waking up to find Grandma so they can slip quietly underneath her arm for a hug. I’ve seen my boys erupt into fits of giggles with my Dad, play peek-a-boo with my Mom, and more than once I’ve seen Ali outside gently flitting across the yard chasing after a family of robins.
We are living out of suitcases, sleeping in beds that aren’t our own, and most of our belongings are stuck somewhere on a moving truck – but we’re still experiencing the good, the true and the tender. These things can be forged anywhere.
So what makes a home? The family that lives there. The wealth? It lives inside of them. A realization with which I am very much at home.
QUESTON: When you’re home isn’t the home you always hoped for, what do you do to make it home?
CHALLENGE: Find something you can do to make your current living situation more like “home”.
Submitted on 7-18-2010 at 10:22am
Hi, Cath!
A short and quick response to your discussion of home—-
From my adult girls: Home is where your mom is. I know this is true because Shannon painted me a mug for Mother’s Day one year when Doug and I were in DC, and she and Megan were in Knoxville. She was at UT, so must have been in her early 20’s, long past the ‘little kid’ stage. She knows how to make me happy; we never outgrow those from-the-heart gifts.
We 3 came to the conclusion years ago, when we were ‘it’, that whenever the family is together, that is home. Even if it’s just for a few days, like over the holidays…. Home isn’t a physical place, necessarily, but it’s being with the people who love you–a moveable feast.
Who is ‘family’? That is a big question for which I also have deep convictions that are perhaps non-standard. My mother would not like to hear this, but it’s an outcome of my life experiences.
Family is who makes you feel accepted and cared about (dangling preposition). It is not by definition a function of DNA or blood relationship.
I understand completely your emotions about ‘home’, but looking at the picture of the girls with your parents reading, that is priceless. Having had Megan come ‘home’ twice as an adult, knowing it was for financial necessity and not because she wanted her mother near, it still makes a mother feel ‘comforted’ to be a safe place to land. The welcome mat is always there. It’s just how life goes.
Not so short or quick, but I always try.
Love,
Ellen
Submitted on 7-3-2010 at 10:10am
Stacey – oh yes! I’ve cried. I completely know where you are. It was a discouraging time – looking at rentals, knowing we owned a beautiful home somewhere else. We’re in the process of moving into our new place right now. And it’s old!! It’s going to take some getting used to. But I’ve been surprised at my children. My girls think it’s “beautiful” – they love the floral wallpaper! And now that our things are in and we’re making it our own, it feels good. I keep reminding myself this is temporary. I’m sure you’ve read the comments from other women here. I think their perspective is so healthy, very real, and comforting. I have no doubt the right place is out there for you. The right place at the right time for all the right reasons. Hang in there. (And keep writing!)
Submitted on 7-3-2010 at 08:03am
Ok, I just went to your blog and now I know you! You are an incredible writer. I loved the piece you shared! And I’m glad to have found your blog!
Submitted on 7-3-2010 at 08:01am
Thanks for that! It’s nice to meet people in person, but now I have to remember what you read that night. Do clue me in!!
We went and looked at a rental last night and I came home and cried. I feel very petty at how much I don’t want to leave this house despite the hardship it is on us financially. It’s been my dream home and I am just struggling with this change.
Even if we know something is right, can we still cry and be sad? I sure hope so because that’s where I’m at.
Submitted on 7-1-2010 at 11:13pm
Christina – a hotel room would be TOUGH! Especially when bringing home a newborn. Wow. A little perspective is always healthy. Thank you for sharing! It’s amazing what we can survive – especially if we know it’s temporary!
Submitted on 7-1-2010 at 09:39pm
That was beautiful, Catherine!
We lived in a hotel for six weeks because of construction delays on our new home a few years back. It was a very trying time. Our twins were two and full of atrocious behavior made worse by the upheaval in their lives and I was due any day with #6. The house continued to be delayed and delayed. We ended up bringing our newborn baby home to a hotel room. It was a crazy time. What helped me through it was to know that things would get better; that eventually we would have a beautiful, permanent home. That, and a few nights of tears and lots and lots of prayers.
I don’t think I ever felt at home in that hotel, but our family does have wonderful memories because of it.
Submitted on 6-29-2010 at 10:47pm
Elizabeth, I’ve been thinking about you all day. I showed my children what you wrote in your comment, and they were visibly impressed with how well you are able to see the meaning in what you do as a mother–even when your current living circumstance is not ideal. We would love to have you write an article for us about how you’re doing this, what you’re learning, etc. (If you’re up to it…) Thanks for being an inspiration to us all.
Submitted on 6-29-2010 at 07:24am
Wow, Elizabeth. I’m sure I speak for others when I say we would love to hear more from you. You are undoubtably learning many lessons that only your situation can provide. I hope you will write more.
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 10:06pm
Saren – You blended two ideas so well and you make a great point. Our environments do affect us and there is much to be said for improving your space, making it beautiful and your own in whatever way you can. Yet, there are stronger elements that exist. I loved the words you used: rituals, practices, traditions, people. Thanks so much for your comment.
Kristine – Wow. You blew me over with your thoughts (and your experience of minimalist living). I was especially moved by these lines: “Really a home is made from far more precious materials. Home improvements or upgrades are wonderful but not when they stretch us beyond our means and don’t allow us to feel at peace.”
Profound. And very powerful. I agree – while simplifying is (as you said) a topic of its own, your reminder of the way wants can stretch us beyond our means and as a result destroy our peace… so wise. Hopefully the women who read this article will also be inclined to read the comments. Yours was very enlightening. Thank you!
Elizabeth – Wow to you too! I just stared wide-eyed at your comment as I read it twice! I am curious if you are living international right now. Either way – what an experience – and yes – what a trial! I am amazed at your attitude, grace, and perspective.
I actually took out a few lines in the article above about challenges being temporary. But you brought out this point so well. It’s good for us to remember that these “substandard” circumstances are (usually) not forever. I believe your comment will strengthen many women – just as it did me. Thank you so much!
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 09:01pm
Homelessness is a huge stress, and so is living in substandard housing. At the moment my husband and I are living in a lined tin shed with our 4 children. We have an outside bathroom, with composting toilet, and a very small hotwater system. We have no internal walls, and use curtains to make bedroom spaces. We don’t have an oven, and I’ve been carrying water for washing up, and from our washing machine. It is really easy to describe our home in a negative way, and be purely factual, but that misses the point. We are all together, we are warm and dry. We have an opportunity to focus on the essentials. This trial will not last forever, and it has been a great blessing to be so close together, and to focus on the basics. Feeling at home is about the people you are with, and the bonds that you share, not about the walls, and how they are decorated. I love my tin shed home, because I love the family it is helping us make.
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 07:18pm
Catherine, I just love seeing your name as the author. You have such an ability to express yourself.
My husband had an internship a few years ago in a far away city. Due to timing we needed to fly rather than drive with our kids to get there. Because of this we brought very, very little for our summer stay. We rented an unfurnished apartment which meant we slept in sleeping bags, ate on the floor, and there was absolutely nothing in the cabinets or on the walls. Our life was very simple (that’s a whole different topic) and it was obvious that the trappings in our home were not responsible for the good feelings we had there.
It really is empowering when you think about what makes a home. We can allow ourselves to feel that our house is not a home if we don’t have granite countertops or whatever. Really a home is made from far more precious materials. Home improvements or upgrades are wonderful but not when they stretch us beyond our means and don’t allow us to feel at peace.
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 12:33pm
I agree that “home” can be anywhere. They say “home is where the heart is” and I agree so fully. I currently live in a beautiful big house that I designed myself and that has all the bells and whistles – and then some. We sold our tiny house in California at just the right time and got a steal on a lot here in St George and since we had the money to do it and a larger, nicer house was a wiser investment, we skipped the interim houses and went straight to the dream home. But in all reality, life isn’t much different here than it was in our 1200 square foot house in CA. The kids are still with me in the kitchen and dining room most of the time – we still trip over each other. The things that really make this place feel like “home” are the same here as they were in California – family movie night isn’t remarkably different (just a bigger screen), family dinner – we’re still all sitting around a table, bedtime rituals, bathtime routines, story time -it’s pretty much the same as it was in our old house. The extra space is a huge blessing and we do love our house – but I guess I’m just saying that after living on two ends of the spectrum, I see that home really has little to do with the amount of space you have or the quality of your cabinetry or appliances. It has to do with the little little rituals of our every-day life, with the words we say and experiences we share.
That said, I do think that we’re quite affected by our environment and we all have different things that make an environment feel like “home” to us. For me, it’s the pictures on the walls. My dorm room walls were adorned with my favorite art. Our rental house had the pictures that make “home” to me hung up the first day. For others, there are other physical things that help create a feeling of “home.” But it’s the traditions and the people and the practices that matter the most.
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 10:12am
Stacey – We read our work in the same feedback circle Saturday evening. Great to find you here! I didn’t realize you had SIX kids! You go girl! Way to make time for one of your passions. And hang in there with the housing thing. It’s nice to know there are others of us doing the best we can in challenging circumstances.
Submitted on 6-28-2010 at 09:09am
I needed this today. Over the weekend we made the decision to put our home up for sale. We made some bad decisions along with half the country and can no longer afford our mortgage. We will have to rent for a while and I’m really struggling with that. What you said is true though. It’s the people inside the home that make it home. And while I’ll be sad to leave this home, I know that I can make a new home for our family somewhere else. And in the long run, I know it’s the right decision albeit a very hard one.
Thanks for writing this piece, Catherine. I know it was over a year ago that you wrote this, but I needed it. We just signed the papers to close on our home in beautiful Virginia (how I HATED to leave). We are grateful that we were able to sell our home (even though we didn’t get even close back to what we put in it). We will be able to buy (thank goodness) when (soon, I hope) my husband gets a job, but, in the meantime, it’s hard to be rootless! Now we are living with my in-laws across the country with my 5 kids (and one on the way) until my husband finds work. I have been feeling so lost – I am not in my own place, I don’t know anyone around here, etc. It is HARD, but, reading your article made me want to try harder to make my in-laws basement a home for my family. My almost 8 year old LOVES to meet his grandma in the garden to help her each morning. What a treasured memory that will be!! So, thanks, again for reminding me of the good that can come out of this hard time.