I had the opportunity last night to address the Medical School Alliance for medical spouses at a nearby university about how to keep a marriage strong during the long years of medical training. Of course, not all medical spouses are female or have children, but as it turned out, the group who came to the event were all young mothers.
As I surveyed the women in attendance, I discovered that every one of them was either pregnant or had between one and three children. Several of them had babies with them (who fussed and cried at times, as babies do), and a few more had to leave early to get home to their babysitters (presumably because their husbands were on call).
As I observed these young moms and shared my own experiences as a young mom with a husband who was rarely home, it brought back a flood of memories and some unexpected feelings of awe and respect. I didn’t really think I was that far removed from this stage of motherhood (my youngest is just seven-years-old), but it became very clear to me last night that I was in a completely different phase of life than these women.
While my to-do list is miles longer now than it ever was when my children were all little, there is no denying that those early years of chasing toddlers while pregnant, trying to establish a home on a shoe string budget, and doing it all with little to no sleep while Dad is often away getting his career off the ground are some of the toughest years a woman will experience. (And yes, some of the moms also had full or part-time jobs, making their already full plates filled to overflowing.)
I can remember being in the thick of those incredibly stretching years, and having conversations with other moms in the same boat about how we would never become one of those older moms who forget what it’s like; we would never forget. But you know what? When you aren’t living it day in and day out, you do forget.
So for just a few moments today while my kids are all in school and I am enjoying a quiet afternoon to myself, I want to acknowledge those women who are doing so much with so little by sharing some of my own “favorite” young mom moments and memories.
- Climbing up on the roof of our home while pregnant to clean the leaves out of the gutters in order to prevent flooding in our window wells from a coming storm, and shoveling thick, wet snow from our driveway early in the morning while wearing a baby on my back so I could get my young daughter to preschool on time.
- Making countless dinners with one arm while nursing a crying baby in the other (par for the course, right?), and changing countless diapers (or nursing) in the worst places imaginable: on an airport floor, on the top of a minivan hood, on a sandy beach, in a convenient store bathroom–you name it.
- Leaking through the custom made satin bridesmaid dress at my new sister-in-law’s wedding and trying to find a good time and private place to get out of that same dress and actually nurse my baby.
- Spending most of the night awake taking care of a crying baby, teething toddler, vomiting preschooler (or a combination of the above), only to have to get up and take care of everybody all day long again, and the many frustrating hours spent trying to get a baby/toddler to take a nap only to have them accidentally woken up moments later because of a doorbell, noisy sibling, or the need to transfer them to the car to pick up another child.
- Going to great lengths to make sure the baby would be asleep at just the right time so I could teach my bi-weekly piano lessons and have enough money for groceries or shopping at my favorite second hand store’s bi-annual 50% off sale where I purchased all my growing children’s clothes for the next six months. Other money saving tactics: volunteering several hours a week in the local gym’s daycare center for a free gym membership and enlisting my kids in random studies at the university for free diapers.
- Waking up several days in a row to find rat feces covering my kitchen counters, table, and (wait for it) the baby’s highchair. (We had an old house demolished across the street from us and one of its former inhabitants moved in with us for a few days.) Trying to keep the baby off the floor and out of the kitchen while I washed everything with hot soapy water, then bleach, and then lysol–and still get the older kids to school on time.
- Among other traveling adventures, enduring an 8 hour car trip alone with a toddler and a baby who cried almost every minute of the trip, traveling from California to Iowa by plane alone while 7 months pregnant with three young children, and then taking the same trip a year later with four young children only to have our plane diverted because of weather, all rental cars sold out, and my luggage lost. (It was the weekend of my 20-year high school reunion.)
- Wanting to take a “real” family vacation so bad that we drove from Iowa City to Mount Rushmore with only enough money to camp out and make food over a fire every day. Our two oldest children were 3-years-old and 3-months-old at the time. (It’s actually one of my very favorite memories.)
- Walking home from a Japanese grocery store in the pouring rain while holding and consoling my crying baby with one arm, pushing the groceries in the stroller with the other, and holding an umbrella precariously under my neck in an effort to keep us all dry.
- All the hours of fear, worry, and uncertainty that surrounded a baby in the hospital with RSV, a toddler in the hospital with a severe reaction to a tree nut, the same toddler in the hospital with severe dehydration from a bad bug, and on and on and on. Few mothers get through those early years without at least one or two good scares, and there is nothing worse than being the mother of a baby or toddler in pain who doesn’t understand what is going on.
The crazy thing is, there is nothing terribly unique about this list. Most young mothers have very similar stories (which I would love to hear in the comments section below). As I reflect on my own stories, I seriously wonder how I did it! Caring for very young children day in and day out is, quite simply, one of the most heroic things that happens on a daily, widespread basis. In truth, it makes me want to call out from the housetops, “Hats off to you, young mothers!”
QUESTION: What are some of your “favorite” young mom moments or memories?
CHALLENGE: Don’t become one of those moms who forgets! When possible, give your younger counterparts a smile and a word of encouragement during stressful times, or maybe even a break by offering to babysit.
Originally published on October 24, 2014.
Image: Jomphong / Freedigitalphotos.net
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, ALLYSON! We are just at the beginning of getting ourselves ready for medical school. I have been a stress case and complete stuck in survival mode. This was a good reminder that I can still thrive in survival mode and I won’t be the only mother doing it or has done it.
Erin, you are definitely NOT alone! It is tough, especially if your husband ends up doing a surgical specialty like mine. Certain specialities are harder than others when it comes to training/time away from home, both during the training itself and also in real life practice. (Choose your specialty wisely!) Please try to find a group like the Medical School Alliance mentioned in the article. Every state/university has a program like this, I’m sure. You’ll want a strong support group for the years ahead full of people who know what you’re going through. (People outside the medical community often have very little sympathy for the “doctor’s wife”–they think it’s all money and glamour and can be very insensitive and quite clueless.) And if I could go back in time and have a community like Power of Moms, that would have made all the difference in the world for me. (We were done with training just a few years before POM launched.) Keep checking in here as well for your daily dose of mom support! Wishing you all the best!!
Love, love this. Brings back so many memories AND the emotions that go with them…as in tears are welling now. My hubby works a lot and we have no family in town, although I think caring for sick babies and traveling alone with them were some of my most trying times. My youngest is just 5 now, but as you mentioned, that’s a world apart from the pregnant/baby/toddler days. Some of the hardest moments in my life, interlaced with some of the best, of course. Hang in there young moms!
Thanks for adding your voice of support and encouragement. And I agree, caring for sick babies and traveling alone with them is very tough stuff!
Thank you for this, needed to read it as I currently take care of my almost 3 year-old along with my one month old who woke up every hour last night! Your words have helped me handle all of these things with much more grace 🙂
For whatever reason, those were actually my hardest months (having a 3-year-old and a baby); even harder than having babies number three and four. I think there is something about not having any “older” kids to help out even in the smallest ways and also no one to play with the lone first child while you’re working with baby #2. But if you are functioning with any level of grace as you said, then you are light years ahead of me at that stage. You’ve got this!
Love this! Thanks, Allyson!
Thank YOU, HW!
My 6mo just fell asleep feeding while I was reading this article. I am on the good end (I hope) of helping him sleep through the night. After several nights of waking up at midnight (when he hadn’t for a very long time) and only snacking, I realized it was time to help him drop that. This is baby #5 for me and it’s never fun to drop a feeding and wake up time in the middle of the night. Lots of crying, soothing, crying, soothing, me crying, and both of us finally falling asleep. Last night, he only wimpered a little bit then soothed himself back to sleep. Here’s to tonight!!
As baby #5, I haven’t been able to put him on a good routine yet. Because of all the other scheduled activities going on with the older kids, my husband, and myself (because I learned somewhere between baby 3 and 4 that I need to do my own things, too), he doesn’t often have set times in the day to take regular naps. Luckily, he’s good at taking cat naps for a day or two then he’ll crash for some long naps on a less busy day.
I’m looking forward to dropping all of my baby fat. 🙂 I’m one of those people who doesn’t nurse it off. As long as I’m nursing, it doesn’t matter what I do or how I exercise. That baby fat refuses to come off! But when I’m done nursing, regular exercise and careful eating help me drop that weight. It’s happened 3 other times…so I hope I can count on it again!
Today, we went to a local farm for a Pumpkin Fest. It was tiring wearing the baby as the older kids rushed around to participate in the different activities. But at one point, the baby and I had a chance to sit. He was happily fed and recently had a cat nap. The kids were off on a bounce house. He and I just cooed and giggled with each other. We bonded while he bounced on my lap.
Babies are hard. They are a lot of work. But the joy they bring me just by smiling at me is amazingly precious! And all of his older siblings love to also get him to smile at them, too. It’s a happy time.
Love your thoughts here. It’s so true about those last babies getting shuffled around amid the older kids’ schedules and not being able to get them on a good one of their own. Whew! And I can’t lose weight until after I stop nursing either, so I feel your pain. (Of course, I still have 10 plus pounds to go and my youngest child is seven now, so what does that tell you?) And I think it’s so wonderful that you are able to cherish those sweet, short moments like the one you described at the pumpkin patch even with so much going on with multiple children. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
One evening my husband had been out of town for at least a week and I was pregnant with #4. It was a Sunday and my baby had fallen at church and cut her mouth, then at a late dinner time, just as we sat down, my toddler had a accident. Everyone, including myself was crying. A good friend stopped in with some bread and then left to put her own toddler to bed and came back to clean up my house. I will forever be grateful for that friend.
Thank you so much for sharing this! want to be that person for someone else someday.
Thank you for the article! We are smack dab in the middle of residency with our 4th baby on the way and this just hits so close to home. Nice to know someone knows the craziness of this path!
Lots of women understand, we just have to find each other! Do you have a similar group as the one mentioned in the article? Out of curiosity, what is your husband specialty and how many years do you have left? (You can do this!)
I agree! Moms of young kids are awesome! I have a 2 month old, a 3 yr old a 6 yr old and an 8 yr old and I don’t get much sleep anymore! 🙂 It’s a tiring time of life, but it’s ok, it’s a wonderful time of life too. It’s nice to be able to come on this website and feel great about what I am doing.
My oldest was 10 when I had my fourth, so I admire you! I am also envious that you have this wonderful resource in POM from such an early stage in motherhood. You have a great attitude and are a wonderful part of this community–thank you for all your wonderful comments!
Not quite the same, but we had babies during my husband’s dental school years. Though I hated the apartment itself, I LOVED married student housing. Being surrounded by other young families who were also poor with husbands who were studying a ton (in any number of graduate programs) was an amazing experience. I’m convinced my struggle would have been incredibly harder without my community of fellow student wives. 2.5 years out of school I still miss that stage and actually ache for it on some days. Having that support was amazing. The days and nights were still hard, but being able to talk with friends who really ‘got’ it the next day at the playground or a play date made it more bearable.
So glad you had that kind of a community to help you through those years! It really makes you realize how validating and enriching it would be to always have a community like that–not just in the “hard” times. (Though ironicially, that’s what often creates such communities.) Thanks for the comment.
Great article. I have an 8, 6, and 4 year old and we just had baby #4 (he’s 3 weeks). My husband doesn’t practice medicine but his job can be pretty demanding and he is currently serving as the bishop of our ward. I loved your stories about being a young Mom, I could relate to just about every one of them:) Being a Mom has probably been the most trying but the most refining phase of my life, so far, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Thank you for sharing your positive attitude and outlook, Melanni! And my husband is a bishop, too. (Feels like residency all over again–haha!)
Not a wife of a doctor, but I am a military wife and I found myself nodding in agreement at every part of this post. I’ve had people tell me “I don’t know how you do it!” and I think as moms we don’t really think about it, we just do it!!
Love your writing! I just spent a week and a half reading your personal blog from day one. 🙂
My husband is a 3rd yeah medical student and we have two daughters ages 1 and 3! When I was reading this, it was like I was reading about myself! This journey is hard but my life is a blessing! I won’t forget and I can’t wait to pay the grocery or dinner bill for the young mother with her arms full of children someday!
I have loved being a Medical students wife! It has taught me that I can be independent and at the same time appreciate my husband and all he does so much more. We are now about to start our 3rd year of residency(which to be honest, residency has been harder than school for me), but one of my favorite memories was when my second baby was born. We were in Parker Colorado and my husband was due to come home from an audition rotation in a week. My little sweetheart decided to come early , so my husband was 900 miles away I had a sleeping 14 month old and was in active labor, not to mention the possibility of blizzard like conditions that night. Luckily, my best babysitter had just gotten home the day before from college for Christmas break and I was able to call her at midnight to come and watch my toddler while I drove myself to the hospital. I have never been so grateful for red lights, so I could sit and attempt to get through a contraction, but at the same time hate the red lights for delaying my trip to the hospital and my epidural. 🙂 I had my sweet little girl 45 min after arriving at the hospital. It was just me, the nurse, and the doctor in the delivery room, but it was a really good experience and I even got to cut the cord! My husband was able to fly in 8 hours later even in the blizzard, so it wasn’t too long before we together, but this is always a fun/fond memory of what it is like to be a medical school wife!