My son sailed through the “Terrible Twos” with a sunny disposition and cooperative nature. I thought I had escaped the temper tantrums and willful disobedience that so many of my friends were experiencing with their own toddlers. Truth be told, I might have patted myself on the back for my parenting, since obviously I was doing something right.
Then my son turned three. Turns out he was just a late bloomer.
When I was in a hurry to leave the house, he refused to put on his shoes. When I left him at bedtime, he clung to my body like a koala bear on a eucalyptus tree. When I called him to dinner, he ignored me and played with his toys.
Logically, I knew this was just a stage. But deep down, I wondered what I was doing wrong as a parent. Maybe I wasn’t giving him enough attention now that he had a baby sister. Maybe he missed his friends at daycare now that he was home with me all day. Maybe I should be more firm with him.
The breaking point came one day when I warned him that I would give his favorite helicopter a “time out” if he continued to play with it rather than coming to lunch. He ignored me, so I put the toy out of reach on top of the refrigerator and left to change the baby’s diaper. My son wailed and screamed. Then suddenly, I heard a crash and a piercing shriek. I rushed to him carrying my bare-bottomed baby with me. I found him, with blood on his forehead, crying next to his broken helicopter. He had shaken the refrigerator so hard that his toy had fallen on his head.
My son had only a small cut, but I have to admit that we both cried a little. I told my husband later that night that the day had been filled with “blood, sweat and tears – and poop” because in my haste to get to my son, my daughter’s diaper had fallen on the floor and I stepped in it and tracked the contents through the house. We had hit a new low.
The next day, I checked out parenting books by the bag full from the local library and read late into the night. To my relief, my son was a normal three year old (as any experienced parent could tell you). Still, I needed to see it in black and white.
What I didn’t realize is that my son needed to see it too.
One evening, he asked me about my book. When I told him it was a book for mommies and daddies about three-year-olds, he climbed into my lap excited to hear more. I told him that the book said that sometimes three-year-olds get mad when they can’t do something. His eyes lit with understanding. “Like my helicopter,” he said.
We talked more about three-year-olds. Three-year-olds like to learn. Three-year-olds like to explore. Three-year-olds need to learn to use their words. Later on that night, I found him sound asleep with the book clasped in his arms; he carried it around for days.
Even though he couldn’t read a word, the book comforted my son as much as “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” reassured me while I was pregnant.
My boy eventually turned sweet and cooperative, and then willful and angry, and back and forth again as he has progressed from a baby to a wonderful 15-year-old young man. During one of those painful stages, I once again checked out parenting books from the library, and once again, my son was just as curious as I was.
“Reading about me?” he asked, raising his eyebrows as he saw one title about raising an angry teen. “Yes,” I said, and handed him the book. When I went to his room to say good night, I found him reading. Neither of us totally agreed with the author, but we talked about the changes in both his life and in mine as a parent. I had to learn to let go of some control and he had to learn to take on more responsibilities.
Because we expect “progress” to mean “improvement,” we sometimes forget that growth means “growing pains” both physically and emotionally for both parent and child. Just as my son’s joints ached as he grew four inches over a summer, so too do we hurt sometimes as we stretch to new heights in our lives together.
QUESTIONS: What are some of the growing pains you and your children experience? What resources are available to help you both through these growing periods?
CHALLENGE: Find some time to talk with your child about what to expect at their age. What will be some new challenges and some new benefits? Identify ways your parenting will change as your child progresses from one stage to the next.
Graphics by Julie Finlayson.
I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing your insights on what it takes sometimes to understand the stages we both go through. I love that you checked out books from the library and were always willing to learn more.
Thank you for your story. I tend to forget that they might be as frustrated with us as we are with them. Thanks for reminding me that this is just normal.
Thank you so much for this. I have to admit, it made me cry. I too have thought the same thing, what am I doing wrong!? Am I really not giving him enough attention? Am I a bad mom? Will this affect my child later on in life…whatever it is I’m doing wrong? I wish every mother out there had access to the Internet because this is exactly what we need….each other! To make a long story short, I don’t have a lot of friends or mom friends that I can turn to when I find myself in situations like this. My mom watches Supernanny,I barely have time to watch TV. So I try to welcome her advice with open arms but it doesn’t always work for me. I’m just so grateful to be able to, in the wee early hours of the morning, as I sit enjoying my cup of coffee and the quite, get online and spend 30 minutes reading blogs and articles from other moms. If you blog or you write about these things, let me speak for every mom out there… You are a Godsend and we are very much grateful for you. Here’s to all the moms out there that are trying!!
Respectfully,
MomSarahJones