Getting Kids To Listen

I know that one of the hardest things about parenting is the seeming lack of cooperation on the part of my kids. It feels as if I am always trying to get them to do something: brush their teeth, eat dinner, take a shower, get into bed, and that’s just in the evening! It can be endless and so frustrating. When my kids don’t do what I tell them it can be a real challenge.

Sometimes I forget all my training and get annoyed very quickly. I sometimes start to think: “That’s it! I am going to make them listen once and for all!” In all my years of parenting, 17 next week, this has never worked for me. Whenever I go this route, I inevitably find myself embroiled in some sort of power struggle, involving yelling, digging in of heels (both mine and my kids’), and hurt feelings (again, both mine and my kids’), because we can’t ever really make our kids listen. I need to remind myself of this all the time.

It is always better when I regroup, take a deep breath, reflect, and ask myself, “How can I help this child listen? How can I gain their cooperation?”

I also need to take stock and remember that it is not easy for kids to listen. It requires a lot of concentration. I also know that nobody likes to be told what to do. It can be demoralizing to listen to commands all day long.

What works for kids? Structure and schedules are great for kids. I know that once my kids are involved in setting up routines, they are a lot more cooperative.

When I ask for their input, I will get a child who is obliging and responsive:

“How do you want to work your schedule tonight?”

“What does your schedule look like today? When are you available to clean your room?

When I give choices, kids feel in charge of themselves and are amenable to almost anything:

“Do you want me to put you to bed, or do you want to get in all by yourself?”

“Are your brushing your teeth first or taking a bath first?”

When I remember that a child who feels discouraged cannot listen, because they feel put upon, I can get more cooperation if I give them a listening ear and some TLC:

“Sometimes kids can’t do their chores because they need some alone time with their parents. You want to go out tomorrow afternoon, just the two of us?”

Most of all I need to remember that deep down, kids desperately want our approval and if they aren’t listening, they need some encouragement:

“I love you all the time, whether you brush your teeth or not.”

I also need to remember that kids deep down want to listen and cooperate. They just need us to be loving and patient as they learn how.

Question: Is there a way that we can remind ourselves that kids may have their own good reasons when they are not “listening”?

Challenge: When our kids are “not listening” instead of getting angry, can we use a better strategy to help them listen?

Adina Soclof invites you to take part in her new free email course: 7 Ways To Help Your Kids Listen In 7 Days.”  You can sign up on her website: www.parentingsimply.com.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

About Adina Soclof

Adina Soclof, a certified Speech Pathologist, received her masters degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. Adina worked as a Speech Pathologist in preschools for the developmentally disabled in the New York area before staying home full time with her family.
She reentered the workforce as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk” workshops as well as workshops based on “Siblings Without Rivalry” and “Raising a Spirited Child”.
She has been featured at numerous non profit organizations and private schools in Cleveland. Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting and teacher workshops via telephone nationwide. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio. Her website is Parenting Simply.