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We received this from an anonymous reader:
I’m pretty desperate for some parenting help. I’m 28, married for 5 years, have a 4 year old son, 2 ½ year old daughter, and I’m expecting my third child in 1-2 weeks. I’ve really been struggling with my son for the last few months… and it’s not getting better!My son started pre-k this week, and I thought that most of our problems would just melt away because he would be busy all day, and tired when he got home. There have been some major power struggles the last few months. He gets very defiant and challenges everything I do or say. He started getting more physical and trying to hit me a couple of times. I do spank, so I’m sure that rubbed off on him. He just wants to fight everything and can get so angry in a split second. I thought things would get better once he started school, but now he just saves up his foul mood for home it seems. I think he’s very good at school and even in the car ride home, but once he’s home… it’s like a light switch goes off and he starts to get so mad. I think he’s very sleepy when he gets home, but he absolutely won’t go to sleep and gets super angry if I try to make him. Fighting with him to sleep creates so much contention and takes so long, that I don’t even suggest it because I don’t want it to mess up his bedtime routine.
I’ve read so many of your articles about strong-willed children etc. and tried to implement what I’ve learned…but I don’t know what to do or change now. I try to spend some fun time with him, but he ends up getting very mad and tries hitting me…so I have to stop because I’m so pregnant. He can be happy for a few minutes at a time, but the second I look at him the wrong way/I have to be a parent and stop something/I have to say anything, then he just immediately gets so angry and will stay in a bad mood for a while. Lately I feel like I have to give in and let him get whatever he wants in order to keep some peace at home.
I want home to be a refuge and a place of love…but I also don’t want him to rule the nest and think that I have to follow his orders. I’ve hardly been spanking lately and rarely do timeouts because I’ve been trying to find other ways to discipline, but I don’t know how to have a good relationship with him because nothing seems to work. I want him to be confident and smart, but also to understand that he needs to listen to his parents and that he can’t just get angry to get whatever he wants. Plus, his behavior has started to rub off on my daughter, so it’s creating more problems.
I hope you can help me! I am so lost. I’ve read different books and articles and talked to others, but nothing seems to actually work. Please help!
When I read your post, I felt as if I wrote it. I have a similar situation with one of my triplet sons. He is 4-years old as well. He’s been acting out (similar to how you describe) for a while now. What I am trying may help you.
Not only do I have the triplets, I have a 2-year old son. I am finding that having this many young children at home – all at once – is the most stressful thing we can do as mothers. I am an older mom, 42, so I feel I have less patience at times when it comes to my sons’ undesirable behavior.
I, like you, was a spanker. Let me tell you, I didn’t want to be one. But someone I dearly love and respect told me that it’s the only thing that works. I now know that this is incorrect, and feel that only I, as their mother, should decide when and how I discipline. So, I rarely spank now, unless it is something absolutely terrible that they do. I use time-outs and I always try to remember to put the timer on. This drives them crazy, so I know it works. Now, if it is angry behavior they are doing, I usually try to IGNORE it. This is the ultimate challenge for me. However, the good news is, I believe it is working. I took the boys to their 4-year check-up and was given this advice by their Pediatrician. I thought I should try it. I simply try NOT TO REACT at all to his angry outbursts. Now, if he hurts someone and/or me, then I immediately send him to time-out. But, if it’s simply angry words, I look for something to do. Usually there is plenty at the very moment to do. As for spanking, as I mentioned, only once in a blue moon do I try, and it’s only just a quick little crack. I researched it a while back and came to realize: I want my children to respect me, but I don’t want my children to fear me.
Believe me, this is something I struggle with as well. I have tried ignoring him now for almost a week, and it seems to catch his attention.
I am also using this “ignoring” method with my other triplet son, who LOVES to whine/cry to get his way. It wasn’t that he was actually getting his way by doing this (I am a strict mama and don’t approve of simply “giving in”), he was making me angry, which gave him satisfaction and control. This is working with him, the results are incredible.
Another thing I have done with my angry son is to TRY to spend more one-on-one time with him. Very difficult, my singleton is often causing trouble with the older ones, but I make a conscious effort to read with him, or cuddle him. I try to hug him often. If he is just running by my in the kitchen, I sometimes scoop him up and just smother him with kisses. He seems to soak it all in most of the time. Obviously I try not to do it too often, he can get angry with that as well!
As a mother, we try to do the best. It is so hard at times!! I am the type to research/read and ask other moms all I can until it makes sense, and I am willing to try new things.
I sincerely wish you all the best with your little man. It sounds to me as if he just needs a little “extra” TLC and one-on-one with his mama. Anger is just his way of showing his needs.
I hope this helps you. Remember, we are all doing are best, and then some, when it comes to raising our kids.I have been so impressed with this site lately, and I’ve really appreciated her advice on Special Time: http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=209534&A=SearchResult&SearchID=5104745&ObjectID=209534&ObjectType=55
She also does Skype consultations. I don’t have any affiliation with her, I’ve just been very inspired by her site. 🙂
I wish you strength – you sound like an incredible, dedicated mama.
I have a little boy who can be very similar to what you have described. I personally think you hit the nail on the head about him being tired. I have noticed my little boy’s anger and antagonism to be 100 fold when he is tired, especially since he began early morning kindergarten this year. One thing that has tremendously helped is having “quiet time”- NOT NAP TIME. I can’t say the word nap or sleep. I have some stories on cd (not with a book) and I have downloaded free i tunes-podcasts from story nory and barefoot books. We lay together (with lil sis) on my bed with his favorite blanket. I tell him we have to listen to X amount of stories (whatever you can get away with-maybe 3-4, but you might have to just start with 1). By the end, he has fallen asleep, almost every time. If your little guy doesn’t fall asleep, don’t give up. This quiet, nurturing time is beneficial even if its just to have a dose of loving mommy/child time.
Another thing that helped me when I went through this similar phase with my older daughter was starting a measurable way to praise her good behavior. We started a button jar. Every time I caught her doing something good, we added a button or two to the jar. We never took buttons out. This was not a behavior plan. This was a way for ME to measure how much positive attention I was giving her. It was a pretty small jar. When it was full, we went for an ice cream. This helped me to feel better as I had to execute unpleasant consequences, knowing that I equally notice to the good things she said and did.
Good luck. The fact that you are searching for answers shows you are a great mother. Have faith that you will find the solution that will work for your family-you will. Don’t give up. Just hold tight to principles like patience and modeling how to act and speak with respect and love–that way, whatever happens, you know you have “remained the adult” (got that from a Power of Moms article, think of it all time).
I have a hard time with my 5 year old. I always wonder how a child that young can be so angry. All the time. 🙂 I have had a lot of success with the book: ‘How to talk so kids will listen and & Listen so kids will talk’ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I have also read a few others by these authors and would recommend them highly. I found that it helps ME be in control, even when she is not.
I was reading this when my nearly 4 year old came over and asked what I was doing. After I explained the problem I asked what she thought would help. She said “he needs to go to his room.” “Why?”, I asked. “He just needs some quiet time on his own.” We don’t use bedrooms as punishment so she wasn’t saying that because he is naughty, get rid of him. It really was just that he might need a break.
I have children similar gaps to you, and my oldest (also a boy) went through a similar phase. Like Brooke, I found that “quiet” time also worked wonders. We always had 1-2 hours quiet time when my son got home from preschool. We would sit on the sofa watching tv, listening to music or a story, I would read a story. It was hard, especially when my 2 year old was around as she wanted to be busy, but my boy really needed that time to calm down after working so hard at preschool.
The other thing was hugging him more. My boy is a very tactile person and the more hugs he has, the calmer he seems. It is hard when you are busy with a toddler, tired from being pregnant and also angry with the child, but hugging really helps to reconnect you two. I found this in “Playful Parenting” by Lawrence J Cohen. That is a really good book for putting the joy back into parenting.
I don’t yet have a child that is the age of your son but have found a technique that is working really well with my two year old and is recommended up to age 7. It comes from the “Love and Logic” series of books which I absolutely love. It’s called the “Uh Oh” song. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to explain it right but wanted to recommend the book “Love and Logic: Magic for the Early Years”. You can find it here: http://loveandlogic.com or at most book stores. There is also a lot of great advice above. I’m sure that you are a great mom or you wouldn’t be asking for help. Hang in there and whatever you decide to do just be consistent and eventually it will work!
I hope you know now that you are not alone, and your son is not unique in his anger. I’m a super duper positive happy person…so I was caught totally off-guard when my firstborn turned out to be an introspective, emotional, pessimistic brooder! I spent YEARS trying to “fix” him. Then I realized that he is who he is – what he needs are parameters to live with (so he knows that there are boundaries he can not cross, like being mean or hurting people or things) and then TOOLS to use to help him cope. Some of us are born with them and assume that coping skills are just inborn…but for some of us, these are lessons that they need someone to teach them, and the best someone is YOU! I’ve used the Indigo Dreams CDs by Lori Lite, and the Moody Cow book series by Kerry Lee MacLean. They gave me ideas when I had none, and now I have a whole bag of tricks to help my youngest son (now 4) calm himself down. The biggest ‘trick’ is to keep YOURSELF dispassionate and calm, because your emotions only add fuel to the fire when kiddos like this are out of control. It’s not easy, and I still lose my temper sometimes, but practice really does make it easier! Best of luck! That fiery temper will suit him well someday when he learns to control it and use it to propel himself forward – I realized that my broody son is exactly like my husband, who has had great success in life because of his focus and determination (fueled by that passionate temper he finally learned to reign in!)
Hi all my kids are grown and out of home, but I had/have a son who rages when he is frustrated. I don’t remember all that I did but Time out in his bedroom helped alot. Some days I would have to hold his door closed while he calmed down. I would be crying softly but he eventually would calm down. It got to the point he would say “I am going to my room now”. When he was older and started being angry for no reason I would have him blow a balloonn up. This forces them to take deep breaths and helps calm them! Then when it was full we would pop it and chase all the anger away He did finally figure out what I was doing and stopped doing the balloon but by that time he knew how to do the deep breathing! He is now a loving man who knows how to handle his anger and removes himself if he can’t handle it! When he was 4 years old and biting children in the nursery I would worry that he would be a wife abuser but now I don’t worry about that! God is good.
You’re enduring a very challenging time, but you are reaching out and asking for help, a huge step! I just signed up for this parenting webinar and then happened upon your question. It’s always helpful to refill your parenting toolbox: http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/inspired-to-action.
I have spent a lot of time on my knees because of my 4 year old son who has similar issues with anger. For our situation, “a soft answer turns away wrath”, I have found that maintaining a neutral tone and repeating the house rules “no hitting”, “if you yell, I can’t hear you”, etc., helps. Also, time out in his room until he decides to calm down. Each child is so different. Remember to stick to your guns and he will finally get it, (I hope). I think sometimes it comes from the little ones being frustrated that they don’t get to do what they want all the time. Well, tough news, neither do moms. Let him know that you are frustrated and ask how he thinks you can both get what you want.
You may have your newest baby now and feel even more “on the edge” but you may also experience a beautiful softening in your entire house, with the presence of that sweet tiny person. I have cherished that feeling in my home with my fourth and fifth children especially. But of course, problems will eventually return until they are fixed. The main thing I would emphasize is RESPECT HIS AGENCY. This is so hard for me, but when I do it, it is the difference between night and day. Instead of trying to force, coerce or manipulate your son into correct behavior, use approaches that encourage him to choose his behavior, and then respect his choice. Other responses have referred to this, I just wanted to emphasize it. I also highly recommend the Faber/Mazlish books and Love and Logic has good stuff too. Another good one is Scream-Free Parenting–this one helps you recognize the importance of being calm as a parent.
One of my problems has been when the kid is being so difficult so often, I don’t feel like I love them much, and consequently, I don’t show love much, or when I do, I feel it’s fake or even done in hopes that they will behave better. When I recognize I’m not feeling love for them, I look at baby pictures, read the funny and sweet things I’ve written down that they said/did, and pray for that love to return. I also try hard to watch what I say about them. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families is helping me with this right now.
Best wishes, don’t give up. There is great joy to be found in motherhood.
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