The other day I asked my three-year-old if he knew my name. “Um . . . Mom?” he replied.
I feel honored to bear the title of “Mom,” and I completely understand the one-dimensional view children often have of their parents, but there comes a time when my children need to know that I do actually have another name. Here’s a video of our experience:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjwWVTmwuZ8
A few years ago, I wrote an article on The Power of Moms called “Mommy Is a Person,” where I spelled out several things that people (and therefore mothers) get to do–like take a shower, sit down for a break, read a book, etc. Although it felt like I was stating the obvious, this concept of there being a person inside the mom has resonated with many women in our community, and we’ve used this principle as a foundation for much of what we do within our organization.
This month, as we’re focusing on The Power of Balance, I’d like to discuss some practical ways to emphasize our person-hood within our families. I’m sure that you have some great suggestions, so please add your thoughts below, but I’ll get us started with three ideas.
(1) Clearly explain our weaknesses.
In order to establish the fact that mothers are people, we need to let our families know we’re human. If I have a headache, I need to tell my family that’s the case–and not just make them guess by assessing the annoyed expression on my face.
If I’ve over-scheduled my day and the stress is piling up, I need to admit that to my family by saying something like, “Mommy scheduled a bit too much today, and I’m sorry that I’m feeling frazzled. I’ll do better next time, but I’m doing my best to manage everything. Please be patient with me!”
On a more personal, and somewhat embarrassing, note, I’ve had to clearly explain my hormone fluctuations to my entire family. After some challenging roller-coaster mood swings over the past year, I started mapping my tough days on my calendar and discovered that they were fairly predictable. Now I have a chart in our kitchen that tells my family what my week of hormones looks like. This week, as noted on the top left of the chart, Wednesday was the hardest. (I can’t believe I’m posting this . . .)
When my family knows I’m struggling with something, they’ll often try to help me out. I smiled when I found a Get Well card from Grace on my desk Wednesday morning,
and I had to laugh when Alia and I were driving in the car Wednesday afternoon and she said, “Wow, Mom, you’re not acting very grumpy considering that this is your magical day.” Being aware of my weaknesses and sharing them with those I love has proved to be somewhat humbling, but it’s helped my children to see me as a person.
(2) Insist on respect.
I’m guessing you’ve seen the same things I’ve seen–children treating their mothers with the utmost disrespect. Mom, give me candy. Mom, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Buy me that toy. Stop telling me what to do. Where’s my clean underwear?
As I’ve been awaiting the release of The Entitlement Trap from Richard and Linda Eyre, I’ve realized what a huge problem this is, and I’ve been ultra-sensitive to cases of entitlement and disrespect in my own home.
Lately, my three-year-old has been consistently yelling, “MOOOOOOOOOOOM!” He sounds exactly like a cow, and I finally decided it was time he learned to address me properly. After four days of training, he now says, “Excuse me, Mother” whenever he needs anything. I love that.
I don’t have teenagers yet, and I lucked out with pretty well-behaved children, but whatever the situation, I don’t see any justification for being disrespectful to the person who loves you with all her heart and devotes herself to sustaining your life. As mothers, we need to model the proper behavior and then hold the line as we insist on mutual respect.
(3) Identify something we like to do–and then do it.
Shortly after I became a mother, someone asked me, “What do you like to do? What are your interests?”
Blank stare.
I thought, “Well, I don’t know what I like to do. I take care of my baby, I run the house, and I run a small business. I like doing these things, but should there be anything else?”
Since that time, I’ve asked countless mothers the same question, and I often get the exact same blank stare in response. Most mothers I meet are truly devoted, strong women, but very few of them can tell me what they enjoy doing (just for themselves) and can report that they are actually taking time to do those things.
Here are two follow-up questions that have proved to be helpful:
- If you had the time to spend on something “extra” that you really love, what would you do?
- How can you work with your current life framework to carve out time for that thing? (And “I can’t” isn’t the answer we’re looking for.)
I won’t pretend that this is easy to do. Mothers worldwide are stretched thin. We often collapse into our beds, exhausted from days that typically don’t go as planned. Some of us have difficult relationships, extended family problems, poor health, or deep financial stress. We sacrifice everything we can to make the road easier for our children, but at the same time, we must remember that we are people, too.
Let’s unite in this cause. Let’s remind our families (and ourselves) that we’re human. Let’s insist on respect. Let’s take time to do something we really like to do–just for the fun of it. I have a feeling that, together, we can enable great things to happen.
QUESTION: What has helped you to establish your person-hood?
CHALLENGE: Consider the suggestions above or come up with your own ideas to help you take care of “the person inside the mom.”
Deb says
Wow, and thank you! I can pretty much “ditto” everything you’ve mentioned in your article here April! And definitely relate to the “blank stare” when trying to voice what it is I love to do for me. I’ve been a Mother for just over 22 years (dtr 22 and 2 little boys 8 & 6). I’ve often been asked that question and have not known what to answer for many years. Guess I just lost my “person” while devoting my life to being a Mom to our children. But…now that I’ve started over after raising my dtr, and now 43 yrs. old, I am starting to finally discover what things I love to do. I think we must use what little private time we may have during the days, weeks, months and years to find out what it is we enjoy and then little by little take the time to do them! I can attest that it makes for a much happier “Mom” and I am a much more contented “Person.” Thanks for the encouraging words and call for action to all of us Mothers out here! 😀
April Perry says
Deb, I love it that you are discovering what you like to do right now. It sounds like you’ve devoted yourself to your family for many years, and it’s exciting to think about all the future holds for you. Thanks for your comment!
Betsy Cross says
April,
What a beautiful blog. I feel so supported. A little background: in Sept.I’ll have one daughter married, 3 in college (if all goes well) and 5 left at home. So, in a way things will be more calm than they’ve ever been. But, like you I have some hormonal mood swings that are often exacerbated by simple, day-to-day living. Sometimes I say, “You know I was a kid once, too! And I still feel like one! I want to play, too. This (fill in the blank) is play for me.” They’ve told me so many times when I reach my limit that they’d be willing to help if I’d just tell them what to do.
Now, after a year of me focusing on my genealogy passion, finishing art projects, starting new ones, and reading everything I can get my hands on, they have a better feel for what makes me tick.
Thanks for the question!
Betsy
April Perry says
Thanks so much for your comment, Betsy. It is so comforting for me to know I’m not alone with my mood swings. It sounds like you’ve found some great ways to figure out what works for you and your family. I’m still working on that, but I have been much better at not breaking down and crying all the time. It’s fun to see how we DO have the ability to influence how we feel. I’m so grateful to get to learn from other moms. Thanks!
Anne Marie says
I love this, April. I especially love the idea of talking to our children about our weaknesses so openly. I too struggle with hormonal issues (getting worse as I get further along in my 30’s). I love the chart you have to help your children understand how you might be feeling! Thanks so much.
April Perry says
Thanks for your kind words, Anne Marie. I was laughing with my husband last night because I made this week’s chart with TONS of ups and downs that are totally non-predictable. My husband helped talk me through it and said, “Clearly, if you’re feeling this way, you’re on an upswing right now.” Then he revised my chart with the slope going down through the rest of the week. That gave me hope 🙂 It’s hard to manage the little things every day, but I’m grateful for our Power of Moms community and the support we provide each other. Take care!
Catherine says
This is a great post, April! When I am feeling “used and abused” by my three kids, I play the song “Parents Are People” from Free to Be You and Me, and I sing extra loud when the words say “Mommies are people…people with children.” It reminds me and my kids in a good-humored way that I am just like them, only older! This always seems to help get us all back on track, and it especially helps me remember that I have my own identity that needs to be nurtured and protected. Thanks so much for your great ideas!
April Perry says
I need to learn that song, Catherine! Thanks for the idea. I bet my children will love it.
Amy Oliver says
More and more I’m realizing that this season of motherhood for me is a continual lesson for plugging in to source. For me this is God and often it’s looking a lot different than all the “shoulds” I’ve been taught.
Ultimately my personal relationship with my Higher Power and knowing I’m in alignment with His plan for me (which is a LOT more interactive then simply “tell me what to do”, but also a LOT easier than I thought) tells me when I’ve come unplugged and will mostly end up spinning my wheels! When I’m plugged in, the time for everything essential is available and I have the power to go beyond my own capacity (when needed).
Always (for me) the answer to the questions you pose is two more questions: “Is this in alignment with my
Source of Power?” and “Is this the time?” I find when I’m checking in with those two questions I’m less likely to come unplugged and He’ll also send resources (relationships, money etc) to help me follow through.
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing so much of the process (not just the “before” and “after” shots;).
PS I can also relate to the hormonal challenges and found a very valuable resource in the womentowomen.com website. It was created by MD’s and other health care practitioners who draw from several disciplines to educate and support women in health.Their “Herbal Equalibrium” has been a life saver for me!
April Perry says
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, Amy. I’m excited to check out the website you mentioned, and I love how well you’ve learned to connect with God and get the answers you need to guide your life. Miss you!
Shera says
A few days ago I asked my children what they thought my interests were. I was met with blank stares. So I rephrased the question, asking, “What does mommy enjoy doing? What are my hobbies?” They answered, “taking care of children?” What an eye opener for us all! Thanks for the reminder that mom’s are human too.
April Perry says
Shera, I think that’s such a compliment when our children say that they think motherhood is what we enjoy doing. That means they’re living around a happy mommy. I try to be gentle when I tell my children I need other hobbies, too. They feel a little hurt if they think I don’t like to be with them. It’s nice to show them we DO love them, but that we also need to have a little time for us. Good luck and thanks for your comment!
Hilary says
April, I really like this post. Especially now that the kids are back in school. I tend to relent to their INCESSANT needs during the summer. It’s time to get back to me.
Thanks. 😀
April Perry says
Thanks Hilary! My children just went back to school, as well, and I also feel excited to have a little time to breathe. It’s just a busy life right now (and I need to remember to enjoy it!). Thanks for commenting!