Can I take you back seven years?
Seven years ago, my children were ages four, two, and one. Seven years ago, I had things all figured out for “older” children. I assumed once diapers, whining, and incredibly long bedtime routines were over, it was going to be smooth sailing for me and my kiddos.
And here is my confession: I totally judged parents of “last children” (or 3rd, 4th and 5th kids with older siblings). I had a few bones to pick with all of you. I was appalled by many things, including but not limited to:
- Your children’s access to inappropriate shows like SpongeBob SquarePants, iCarly, and Spiderman.
- Your complete disregard for bedtime, especially during the summer.
- Your refusal to baby and toddler-proof homes by placing important items in unreachable places.
- Your family’s ridiculous habit of giving in to that youngest child when he or she needed or wanted anything.
- Your choice not to make a train with your child on the large twirly slide or play “Duck, duck, goose!” when they asked at the park.
- Your quick, “I am having a conversation right now. Please don’t interrupt,” when your child obviously wanted something.
- Your decision to not pack six different, healthy snacks just in case of hunger or boredom.
- The way you dismissed the newest parenting techniques and studies.
- The words you allowed young children (or any children, for that matter) to say like “stupid,” “butt,” “crap,” and “heck.”
My list could go on, but I will stop there. So here it is:
I FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THOUGHTS AND COMMENTS.
You see, I am now THAT mom; the one I wondered about; the one I quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) critiqued; the one I tried to give pointers to. My boys are 11, 9, 8, and my little straggler just turned 3. So, I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts with my former, incredibly young self.
My three-year-old rarely watches TV, but when he does it is not PBS. He watches with his brothers who are pretty into Star Wars, Chopped, and action movies, like Spiderman. While you may find these shows “too mature,” this is what we watch together. He is a part of family movie nights and rainy Saturdays on the couch. We don’t have different televisions going to suit each person’s fancy, we would rather be together.
He goes to bed at about 10 o’ clock. I know, jaw droppingly late. But it works for us. Lots of nights we are at sports or school events until 9:00 p.m., so by the time we get home, read scriptures, and say prayers, it is 10 o’ clock. He wakes up around 7:30 and still takes a nap every day, clocking between 12 and 13 hours of sleep. He is happy, silly, and easy to be around, and we love our crazy nights with each other.
I never baby-proofed or toddler-proofed anything with him, besides the stairs. He learned early what was touchable and what needed to be left alone. To be honest, it is rather incredible.
I swore I would never give in to the youngest child…but I do. It’s not the best habit, but when he is throwing a public fit about something, it is natural to ask your nine-year-old to stop or “give him what he is asking for.” Not saying it is right, just saying that it is often what happens.
I used to go to the park to play with my kids, but now, I go to the park to give us both some social time. My toddler is capable of playing without me hovering over him, and I love chatting with other moms. He and I get plenty of one-on-one quality time together, so some time without constant connection is perfectly okay with me—and with him!
My kids used to interrupt and pull me away from my tasks all of the time. I was at their beck and call at all hours. I thought this made me a great mother. It took years to realize that it actually made me an exhausted mother with very needy children. My youngest knows that sometimes he has to wait. He doesn’t love it, but after some practice, he handles it just fine. It is good for both of us.
I no longer carry a diaper bag. I don’t usually fill up bags of snacks before we head out. No one has withered away yet.
I don’t put toys in time out. I don’t read Parents magazine. I don’t carry hand sanitizer. I don’t have a strategy for every obstacle we encounter. My three-year-old still drinks a bottle before bed and sucks a binky during nap time. I don’t talk to him like I am a therapist. Sometimes I don’t notice when he has eaten five sticks of gum out of my purse until it is in his hair. I don’t drill him on his letters and sounds and have not even considered any Pinterest toddler crafts or learning activities. This is my fourth rodeo, and I have a decent idea of what works for my children.
We’ve also loosened up a bit about language. I know certain words are really “bad” in many homes. When you have only littles, “stupid” is the “S word” and “potty talk” is strictly forbidden. Kind speech is still important, but in our home, some things have changed. My eleven-year-old knows and hears the real “S word,” so if he wants to say, “Ugh, practice today was so stupid!” I let it fly. This at times results in a frustrated three-year-old exclaiming, “Ugh, this train track is so stupid!” Maybe I should correct it, but it’s a losing battle, so I usually just giggle.
Now I am on the other side of my former parenting fence, and I’m eating my words…funny how often that happens as a mother. The women I so vigilantly judged now have productive teenagers, selfless young adults, and college graduates. They are fabulous mothers who are in tune with their children, and their youngest children seem to be navigating the world just swimmingly.
And here I am, in their spot hoping you don’t decide to cancel a play date after all the potty talk or hearing that your son had four packs of fruit snacks under my watchful care.
I wish I would have climbed off my own high horse. I should have looked for the good, appreciated the differences, seen the fun those moms were having with their little ones, learned from their examples, and anticipated the need for a few extra crackers at the park. So let’s pass goldfish instead of judgement.
QUESTION: When have you judged another mother? What lessons could you learn from her instead?
CHALLENGE: Write out some observations on how your parenting has evolved over the years. What things did you let go, what things are vital to your family’s happiness? Is there a mom that you could learn from instead of judge? Spend some extra time with her.
Edited by Dawn Wessman and Sarah Monson.
Image from FreeDigitalPhotos/photostock, with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
This is so so great! I can so relate. My youngest of 5 is now 5 and has seen Avengers,Harry Potter etc and goes to bed around 10:00. However he starts school this year and so that will have to change, bummer!
It feels so good to know that I am not alone! Thanks for your comment.
Aaaah! I can’t adequately express how much I relate to this article. As in every single part of it!! It is so reassuring to know that this is something other mothers have experienced. And it is also uncanny how exactly you captured many of the judgements I made and how I now am guilty of all those things I previously judged (and almost totally okay with it).
Sounds like we are kindred spirits. Glad it made you smile!
And I might add, mothers of multiple boys who are not trying for girls, are some of the only ones that understand that they’re just being, well, boys. They are not girls. Hooray for that. 🙂
Boys are so incredibly different, especially when they don’t have any girls to balance them out. They have forced me to relax A LOT!
Great article. Just hold on to your hat and post again in four years. Teenagers will again, have you rethinking your game plan. Always love them, hold them to a higher standard and follow the teachings of living prophets. Amazing how that continues to work.
Thanks for your insights Tammie and great advice. I am sure I will have a lot more to write about in a few years!
I hope now you don’t judge us parents who have not eaten their words about things they wont let their kids do. Like watch shows that are rated above their age even though they have older siblings watching them or other things they feel still matters to the youngest one as well. Just saying…
No judgement here Midie, that is definitely something I learned! I still hold on to the things I feel most strongly about and understand that those things are different from what other parents may hold on to. I would never discourage parents from doing their best to raise kids that make a difference in the world in a positive way…keep up the good work.
When I first started homeschooling, a wise mother told me that , “Comparison is the death of contentment.” She was so right about that. Its corollary is that comparison is often the first step along the downward path to judgment.
My word tart was created in the throes of post pregnancy hormones – I was NEVER going to let tv raise my little sweetie and she would NEVER be one of those nasty faced little kids who look so disgusting and neglected. However, when she turned 2, I learned that Bob the Builder meant the difference between hot dinner on the table or cold cuts again. (God bless that Bob!) I also saw that from the time dd learned to eat and walk, her face was not clean again until around age 10 – food, marker or bruise from some silliness (often indistinguishable from each other). My words were unpleasant to eat, but they came with a much needed side dish of humility.
I agree Lori. I am actually grateful for the experiences that have shown me that every child/parent/situation is different and that we all do the best we can. Humility is often the hardest lesson of all, and I continue to re-learn it every day!
Brooke, your perspective is awesome here. Loved, loved, loved reading this post!! xoxoxo
Great article! I agree, by the 4th child, I have relaxed about things 100%! And I appreciate motherhood more than before, when I was reading parenting magazines and trying to be the perfect mom. Now I just enjoy mothering so much more!
How fun to read your bio and find out you wrote Mom Exploring Michigan! I moved to Michigan 3 years ago, and I found your blog through searching for fun activities to do in Michigan. Love it! We have done several activities suggested there.
I love knowing NOW (and wish I could have learned this sooner) what things really matter. And some things do…I still hold fast to a few things that I did when I had just one. But isn’t it nice to realize what things we can let go of and still feel competent as a mother? For a while I felt guilt when I realized how different things were for my 1st vs. my 4th, but now I realize what else she has that my 1st didn’t (3 older siblings and lots and lots more going on!). So while I do things differently, I am hoping that it is for the best and that I am giving up on things that matter less and spending time with what matters more.
Brooke, I can relate to the later bedtime. Our family’s weeknight activities often keep everyone out as well. Longer afternoon naps for the youngest are the bomb!
The park is the best place to socialize, and I think I myself will miss chatting there when I don’t have a toddler who needs to go burn off energy with his buddies. Every once in a while I will go down the slide with him, though. (But- let’s be honest- it doesn’t feel so good).
I don’t know if I “decided” to quit packing snacks, I think I just got sick of kids digging through my bag.
“I don’t talk to him like I’m a therapist.” That made me laugh out loud!
Loved this article! When I had one kid, I remember being mortified that my friend with five didn’t bathe them every night. Now I’m like, “You stink…..how long has it been since you had a bath?”
Welcome to the club! 🙂 I have an 18 year old and a 3 year old (and 4 other kids in between). Life changes doesn’t it! I am a much more relaxed mom to my 3 year old now than I was when my oldest was 3, BUT there are some things I look back at with my oldest and wish I could do (how I MISS those early bedtimes when I could have quiet evenings alone with my husband). Live and learn! I have learned never to say, “I am never going to do that!” 🙂
I am the same way! I have definitely judged other mothers (in my mind) and then had to eat those words later! One example: Before I had kids, I saw mothers with those toddler leashes to help them keep track of their kids in public. I used to think what horrible mothers they were, treating their children like dogs! Now that I have children and I have been through the toddler stage several times, I know it is INCREDIBLY hard to keep track of multiple, wiggly, young kids in public! Now, I think whomever invented the toddler leash was genius and probably a parent themselves!
Brooke, this was such a great read! I nodded my head and laughed the whole way through…I have a straggler toddler at the tail end of my crew of girls, and it makes for a very entertaining, insert-foot-in-mouth ride! This is the first time I’ve breathed a sigh of relief that I’m not the only one with a 2 year old that goes to bed after her big sisters are tucked in. Thanks for capturing the perspective of loosening things up for the long haul. All the best in your mothering adventures!
Terrific article, even for dads! I sometimes think about what an incredible dad I was before I became one!
And hey husbands and dads, let’s up our game. Let’s let our wives know how spectacular they are what an incredible job they’re doing. Let’s step in and carry our parenting and household load.
Let’s laugh and play and even roughhouse sometimes with our little ones. You make a huge difference in your kids’ lives, and your attitude can make a monumental difference in the energy and richness in your home. Grab that opportunity!