It’s a Friday morning after a long week of hosting out-of-town guests and putting on a tea party for about 35 women. (Two separate events.) My kitchen is a shameful mess, my lower back is killing me, and I feel like I could sleep for about 2 days straight. But you know what? I’m happy.
I’m happy because I’ve trained myself to see these types of messes and fatigue as symbols of good times and hard work. Sound too Pollyanna? Maybe it is, but it works.
The truth is, it’s easier for most of us to see the negative. It’s one of those “natural tendencies” we all struggle with. (Like my tendency to want to stay in bed today with a bag of Ghiradelli’s salted dark chocolate caramels watching Netflix re-runs of all my favorite shows. Maybe that’s not a bad idea after all . . .) But did you know you can train yourself to be an optimist? There’s actually a legitimate term for it in the world of psychology: learned optimism.
I wish I had know about learned optimism when I first became a mother. To think: I could have put all that negative energy I was burning focused on how motherhood was so hard into all the ways motherhood was so beautiful and amazing. I know this seems almost too simple, but as Winston Churchill famously stated, “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” I can’t think of many other pursuits in life that come with as much difficulty and opportunity as motherhood. So why not focus on the opportunity?
Again, for those of you who think this sounds too Pollyanna, I hear you. I am a natural pessimist myself. (Science tells us that some people are more naturally optimistic than others, so we are justified in our gloomy ways–to a point.) When I’ve got PMS, and my kids aren’t listening to a word I say, and my house is a mess, and all the other annoying things we mothers endure on a regular basis, the last thing I want is for someone to tell me to think positive. How annoying! But I’ve come to realize that many optimists are not naturally sunny people; they are learned optimists who really have to work at it. And I’m ready to be one of those people, one of those mothers.
I think there are at least two reasons why we pessimists want to focus on the negative and want to have the whole world hear about it: 1) We’re trying to get some empathy and validation for our situation; and 2) we want to make our challenges seem like a big deal. And sometimes they are a big deal! When my husband was working over 100 hours a week and I was home alone with a toddler and a baby trying to teach piano lessons, participate in a mom-run preschool, lead the girls youth group at church, and do it all with very little sleep and hardly any money, that was tough. And when we’re going through tough times as mothers, we want to be seen and heard. We all need empathy and validation at times.
But (and you knew there was a but), I can’t hep but think we are feeding the wrong animal when we continue to stay in that place of discontent, annoyance, anger, and resentment for too long. It just doesn’t get us anywhere, and it feels kind of awful. And personally, I don’t like to feel that way for too long.
It makes me think of something I read recently from a prominent figure in my church. He told the story of a woman who overcame severe abuse in her childhood to live a life of joy and gratitude as an adult. He said that, “for her, the best path for healing was to understand and accept that darkness exists—but not to dwell there. For, as she now knew, light also exists—and that is where she chose to dwell.” Even if you aren’t a religious person, the principle still applies. Everyone can recognize that darkness and light co-exist in this world in one form or another. Dwell in the light!
I’ll wrap this up with the words from one of my favorite workout songs I like to listen to when I need a little shot of learned optimism. It’s called “Change Your Mind” by Sister Hazel, and these are the words that really speak to me:
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about todayIf you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody elseChange your mind…
(And for a bonus, you can watch this amazing YouTube video–scroll down to view–based on a popular commencement address, but perfectly applicable to learned optimism and motherhood.)
Okay, that’s enough preaching for today. I need to go get started on those dirty dishes that are the result of being able to generously feed my family, our wonderful friends who came to visit, and those lovely ladies at the tea party whose company I thoroughly enjoyed. (See how that works?)
But first, just a few Ghiradelli chocolates.
QUESTION: Are you a pessimist or an optimist? If you are an optimist, natural or learned? How do you feel your pessimism or optimism affects your mothering?
CHALLENGE: If you’re a natural pessimist like me, practice learned optimism by consciously dwelling in the light and changing your mind whenever you feel the tendency toward pessimism creeping in.
Image courtesy of samarttiw / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
You raise so many great points here (and I love the Churchill quotation). Sometimes I feel like pulling my mind in the direction of optimism is as tough as pulling a huge dog who has just spotted a cat. I just have to take my mind by the collar and not give up! But you are right; it’s a choice, and it is worth the effort to train our minds to go for optimism and not pessimism.
Loved reading this Allyson, thank you for sharing your wonderful insight.
I have to try SO hard to be an optimist sometimes, but it is worth the effort. Thanks so much for the great article.
Optimism was what prevented me from being diagnosed with post-natal depression (I was borderline). Although it was really challenging with an unsettled (reflux) bub, I knew things would get better. I’m grateful I’ve always looked on the bright side.
I really liked this article. I think being hopeful and grateful and loving is the best (and happiest) way to live.
I also really enjoyed watching the video you linked. That commencement address was given by David Foster Wallace who was an award-winning American novelist, short story writer, essayist, and professor at Pomona College in Claremont, California.
David Wallace hung himself in 2008.
I guess I find that to be ironic given his speech largely talked about how the power of choice offers us the freedom to create how we experience this life.
Sometimes depression can be avoided with optimism as Marija experienced. However thinking of David Wallace, it seems that life can be a little more complicated for some.
I’m really not trying to make any point here, just sharing some thoughts. Again, thanks for writing this.
Pessimist for sure; Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. I would also agree with Charla that there is no shame in finding professional help in this area if you have tried things but still feel stuck. I am actually going through help right now and really feel progress already. DO NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED to get help absolute bottom line. I finally chose to go because my mood is negatively impacting me being the mother I want to be, but now wish I would have started years ago!