I was recently with a group of my trusted mom-friends when I sheepishly admitted that I don’t like playing with my kids.
Don’t get me wrong—I like my kids. A lot. I just don’t really like Thomas the Train and My Little Pony. I’d much rather write an article, tackle my to-do list, or clean the bathroom. (Yes, even cleaning is more appealing to me than Thomas!) I often find myself shooing the little ones outside or trying to occupy them with a toy, book, or TV show so I can get my work done.
I go back and forth between thinking this is okay (moms are busy, and kids can be creative and play by themselves) and thinking that I should really work on it (childhood is fleeting, and my kids really need my hands-on influence right now).
When I shared all of this with my friends and asked what I should do, they had so much good advice. They have children ranging in age from newborns to teenagers, and they are all such wise mothers. I knew I needed to write down their suggestions for myself—and for any other moms out there who also struggle to play.
- Find play that both you and your kids enjoy. A friend of mine said that she doesn’t like playing Polly Pockets, but she loves trampolines—so she gets out there and bounces with her kids when the weather is nice. After hearing that advice, I started swinging on the swings with my kids when I take them to the park. This is something that I loved to do as a kid, but I hadn’t tried it in years, and it is just as fun as I remember. I also love to read books with my kids, and we do that several times a day. I had never thought about it before, but this counts as play! Now that I’ve identified the fun things that I genuinely love to do with my kids, I try to do them more often.
- Be playful in your day-to-day interactions. Any activity, including chores, can become play if I am upbeat instead of grumbling. A friend said that she and her little ones used to have laundry-folding parties. Her son thought it was just hilarious to put underwear on all of their heads and they would laugh and talk. She taught them how to fold dishtowels and match socks, and it became a bonding activity for the whole family. Since having this conversation, I’ve turned on music more often while I am cleaning the kitchen and challenged my kids to dance-offs. I love to see them twirl and sway (and often fall over—we are not graceful people). I enjoy motherhood more when my mindset is playful, even in the midst of our daily to-dos.
- Schedule play. A friend of mine who has three boys told me that she’s realized that what is important to them needs to become important to her. So even though she doesn’t particularly love playing with Legos, she has a routine time set aside each day when she will stop what she is doing and force herself to sit down next to them and build for fifteen minutes. I have since done this with my four-year-old. As soon as his sister is down for her nap, he knows that this is our “Special Time” and I will play anything he wants for fifteen minutes (even Thomas!). Because it is in the schedule, it happens, almost every day. Sure, it’s only fifteen minutes—but something is better than nothing!
- Shape the play to teach life lessons. Another friend told me that when she and her daughter play dollhouse, instead of just sitting there in a bored haze as the dollies drink tea, she acts out life lessons. She might create a scenario where two of the dolls have a disagreement, and she asks her daughter what they can do to resolve it. This role-playing makes playtime much more stimulating for Mom and much more educational for Daughter, as they teach and talk. Almost any type of play can be adjusted to teach a meaningful life lesson.
- Remember it’s just a stage of life. My friends who have older children reassured me that I am currently in a demanding phase of motherhood. My oldest is only four, and his little sister is too young to really play with him yet, so I am his #1 playmate. But it won’t be this way forever. Soon my kids will play with each other, they will go to school and have friends to entertain them, and I might even miss their requests to play. With this in mind, it’s easier to say “yes” now.
- Above all, just make sure your kids know that you enjoy them. A grandma was also there at the table when I admitted to my friends that I don’t like playing with my kids. She has raised eight of her own children and has 28 grandchildren now. She seemed a little bewildered by my confession, as mothers in her generation didn’t feel pressure to play like we do in our generation. She said, “I didn’t have time to play very often, and I never thought a thing about it!” She went on to say that her kids definitely knew that they were loved, just in the way that she spoke to them, hugged them, and listened when they needed to talk.
“You don’t need to play with your children constantly to be a good mother,” another friend piped in. “You just need to make sure that they know that you enjoy them.”
This was perhaps my biggest take-away from the conversation with my friends. Now instead of asking myself in frustration and guilt, “Why don’t I like playing with my kids?” I ask myself different questions: Do my children know that I enjoy them? What can I do with my kids today that is fun for all of us? Can I involve them in the projects I am doing and teach them as I work? Am I grumpy when they get in my way while I’m cleaning, or do I smile and talk to them as I go? Am I able to stop what I am doing in a moment when they really need me?
After such a great discussion with mothers whom I admire, I feel much more able to live each day playfully with my children. I feel less guilt, and I have a stronger resolve to show them in every interaction—whether I am kneeling beside them playing Thomas the Train, or they are sitting beside me while I clean the bathtub—how much I genuinely love being their mom.
QUESTION: What activities do you truly enjoy doing with your children, and how can you make time to do those things more often?
CHALLENGE: This week, focus on being playful with your children during everyday interactions with them, and let us know in the comments how it affects your relationships!
**If you would love a group of wise women with whom you could discuss your motherhood questions, we suggest checking out Learning Circles!
Image from Shutterstock; graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Great tips! It’s funny. I wrote a similar post to this one here: http://www.lindseymbell.com/when-you-dont-know-how-to-play-with-your-kids/. It seems play is hard for a lot of moms!
Great article! Thanks for sharing! Yes, it seems that a lot of moms feel this way. I’m so glad we can band together and share ideas and support each other!
THANK YOU so much for echoing a lot of moms’ sentiments! Sometimes I think if I watch PJ Masks or Calliou one more time I will loose it! I like your suggestion of turning everyday opportunities into times of play. I have a 4-year old who is an only child so we are his only playmates and that can be exhausting! Great insight and suggestions
Thank you for reading and commenting! My oldest who is 4 wants to play with me all day long. These suggestions have really helped!
Great ideas! I’m the mother of 7 (ages 2 months-12), and since being spontaneous and silly do not come naturally to me – I’ve learned that my children really need my full attention rather than engaged imaginative play. However, I do love working on projects with my kids (puzzles, art, legos, etc) and watching THEM play, “Watch me, Mommy!”. I love how this article shows that there are so many ways to play with your kids.
Wow, a mom of seven! You are a rockstar!!! Thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom!! Yes, projects and watching them can be so rewarding and bonding too!
It’s amazing what you can get “done” while you’re “playing”. I’ve found that often as long as you are talking with them and engaged verbally in their fantasy play you can do a lot at the same time…clean up the playroom, cook etc etc. After all, if you actually try and enter their fantasy world, aren’t they often telling you that you’re doing it wrong/saying something wrong, anyway? And, bring them into YOUR world by making it fun….And, as you’ve already seen, 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted play works WONDERS. I think one of the reasons I love to garden is that I enjoy myself and they so easily play along side you while you “work”. Hiking is the same thing. There are lots of things YOU enjoy that you can share with them. Remember it’s a rare 25-40 year old (mom) that actually likes the same activities as a 4 year old so there’s not a lot of feel guilty about!
Thanks for the wonderful suggestions. You are a truly great mother. I love the idea of gardening together! That is something I would love to do once we have a house!
These are great suggestions. Thank you for sharing! I especially like the point that it is more important to let our children know that we enjoy them than to play with them all day long. I have often found that my attitude goes a long way toward making life in general more fun for my children and for me.
Oh my attitude makes a HUGE difference! I need to remind myself of that every single day! Thanks for reading and commenting1
Yes! Someone else feels the same as I do! So glad to have come across your post. I did some parent training (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy) when I adopted my kids, and I learned some things that really helped me with “special time”:
1-Start by just verbally identifying what the child is doing (Tell him: “You’re picking up the red car; now you’re driving it towards the panda bear…”); and
2-Reflect back at him what he is saying. (HIM: “No, that goes there” YOU: “That goes there.”) Match his tone of voice and facial expression – like you’re a mirror.
I like these tips because no “creativity” is needed; you’re just reporting what you see him do or repeating what he said. I think this just helps him feel that you are there in his moment; and it’s stress- and guilt-free for me. I also find that if I do these two things, it’s easier for me to get in-sync with him as we play.
(PS. Only identify and reflect things that you want to see repeated. No yelling with him or describing how he threw a toy, etc…) 😉
Wow, these are great strategies! Thank you for sharing! I think you need to write this up for Power of Moms, sharing your experience of adopting and sharing some of these training techniques! Here’s the link: https://powerofmoms.com/empowering-opportunities/become-a-power-of-moms-author/
Oh, thank you. You’re very kind. Maybe one day… We adopted a sibling group, so we jumped from 2 kids to 6 in one shot. Ive decided this stage of life is just trying to keep it together. 😉 Thank you for kind words, though. I enjoy Power of Moms and have used some of the family systems with good success! 🙂
Thank you! I really needed this one today. Lately my 3-year-old has been griping that I “never” play with her. When her older brother and sisters are at school I try to get things done, but I feel bad that she doesn’t have anyone to play with most of the time and I know I probably should play with her! Especially when she’s constantly asking to watch TV or play on the computer- I know she’s bored.
Sometimes we do a timer day- I set the timer for 15 minutes to play with her, then when it beeps I set it for another 15 minutes to do what I need to get done. Often I will make an agreement with her that we will trade off who picks what we do during our playtime. She likes to play with baby dolls (or pretend that she’s the mom and I’m the baby- LOL!) and I usually like to do a board game, read books, or color.
Now that my other kids are older we have more things in common- my 10-yo daughter and I like to do crafts together and my 12-yo son and I have the same sense of humor so we like to look up funny memes together online. My 6-year-old loves to jump on the trampoline with me. And we all enjoy a good book. I just finished reading “Anne of Green Gables” as our read-aloud, and we started “Little Women.” (My poor son- I should probably let him pick the next one, although he has enjoyed these. :-))
Love the idea of timer day! Another thing that helps keep my four-year-old busy is playdates. It has to be the right kid (or there is lots of fighting) but he has a couple of little friends who come over to play, and it is SO much easier for me because he is having fun with his friend and I can get some other things done.
Would your daughter like kinetic sand or Quick Stix paints? My son loves both and can play at the kitchen table for a long time while I work. Check out the comments on this article for more ideas–another mom and I had a good exchange. https://powerofmoms.com/how-my-sons-routine-chart-helps-me-be-a-better-mom/
I love your ideas of playing with and interacting with your older children! Thank you for sharing!
I have to be in the right mood for kinetic sand, because it is MESSY! I do let her do play-doh, and she also loves playing with Lego and she’s also very good at playing on her own. I just need to remind her of that. 🙂 I have not heard to Quick Stix paints- I’ll check into those! And yes, play dates are great. I think I need to plan more of those!
Thanks for writing this, Rachel! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Play is such a huge part of their day and so important for their learning and development, I felt a need to be involved somehow. I have struggled to find a way to show my interest in what they’re learning without joining in the play. (They are much more creative when I’m NOT involved in their play!) I have 2 boys and while I don’t enjoy building with LEGOs, I do like games. We bought a used LEGO Creationary game and we BOTH enjoy playing it together a few times a week.
This blessed me so much. I thought I was alone on feeling this way. I now know things I can do to help me with my four yr old. ????
Thanks for this post. I’ve been struggling with “playing with my kids.” My husband is great at it, but I always feel like I should be cleaning or working. Thanks for all the suggestions!
Wow- this article was so thoughtful, detailed, and helpful. I actually cried reading it because it gave me validation and reassurance that I wasn’t a bad mom, and I wasn’t alone- I felt so guilty for feeling this, and you helped me realize its actually a common thing (and that us moms need to speak up and share more!) and even helpful specific solutions that I will be carving into our schedules. Thank you so so much for this, you have a new subscriber and fan. 🙂 Looking forward to your content!