Deliberate Motherhood – The Book

You can currently order the book through Barnes and Noble, Amazon, the Apple store, Kobo, and Indiebound. Whole Foods markets in the U.S. are also carrying copies. Please visit our publisher’s website and click “Buy Now” to see all your options. (These books make great gifts!)

Here’s a great little story about patience:

When I was a young mother with three children under the age of two, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment. I had just cleaned the apartment when I walked out of the bathroom to find Cheerios strewn all over my newly-vacuumed carpet.

My two-year-old boy looked up at me, then deliberately reached his tiny hand into the Cheerios box, and proceeded to fling handfuls of Cheerios across the floor.

It had been a long day. I lost it. I started ranting and raving about having just cleaned and how they weren’t supposed to throw food onto the floor. I sat all three on chairs (they all seemed to be guilty) and let off steam for a good four minutes with them staring at me in amazement and confusion before I finally yelled, “Why? Why would you do this?”

Garrett, my two-year-old, answered, “I is feeding de ducks.”

“Why? We don’t even have any ducks!” Whereupon Garrett replied calmly, “They is ducks” and pointed at his little sisters. Cali pulled her thumb out of her mouth and echoed Garrett’s sentiments. “Uh-huh. I a duck and she a duck!”

Suddenly I could see how silly I looked to them. There was a perfectly logical explanation as to why they did what they did (in their minds at least) and I acted before asking them why. I assumed the worst instead of assuming the best. I’ve since learned to ask what’s happening before I proceed with my disciplining. Sometimes it gives me enough pause to calm down that extra bit so I teach with love instead of yell.

– Sharla Olsen

And this experience gives us hope about raising teenagers:

He shrugs a bit and twists slightly as I reach my arm around his shoulders. He is slightly taller than last week – his feet and arms growing faster than his torso, his thirteen-year-old body gangly. Still, I claim my goodnight hug and a kiss on the cheek before tucking the little ones in bed with storybooks and silly songs. In the morning, it’s a short prayer together and my hand brushing across his forehead as he flies out the door.

And these moments, these brief touches, hardly seem to matter until the afternoon I’m stuck downtown and worry fills the phone lines as he asks, “Where are you? You’re supposed to be home after school.” Or the morning I sleep in and he tiptoes into my room balancing carefully on the edge of my bed to pray with me before he leaves for school. Or those evenings when I notice him standing quietly in the shadows at bedtime, watching with a slight smile while Mary screams with laughter and Gabriel demands ‘one thousand kisses.’

“You can scarcely imagine what it’s like, mom,” my nineteen-year-old son tells me, “to be thirteen and feel your body crackling with hormones. I couldn’t tell who I was from one day to the next.” But I do remember. I remember thirteen – an embrace, even from my parents, felt awkward as I grew uneasily into my body. I remember snapping at my mother and wondering why I was so impatient with my sister. That same look fills my younger son’s eyes when he spits out cruel words and a moment later, recovers, shakes off the mood and seems confused at his unbidden anger.

With little ones, even the most outrageous temper tantrum is quickly followed by an opportunity to reconnect – dinner, a tub, clean towels wrapped around a tense little body, and stories and kisses at bedtime. Most parents innately recognize that children can’t fully control their emotions and extend increased love after a necessary scolding.

Yet, teenagers, whose bodies and emotions are as much out of their control as a two-year-old, are rarely offered the same compassion. By necessity, I nurture my little ones, but my teenagers, who I’ve carefully taught to pack their own lunches and wash their own laundry, can become quickly estranged if I don’t make constant efforts to remain close.

And so I unabashedly demand my hugs and kisses, the arm around the shoulder, the whispered prayer for their safety before school. Mood swings and fits of anger will come and go (or not) but my love for my children reaches deep, stretches wide, and like a mighty tree, offers protection through every storm.

– Michelle Lehnardt

You’ll love this perspective from a babysitter/young adult who wonders, “How do parents do it?”

I spent the past week babysitting my brother’s three small children. I am a seeker of all kinds of adventures, and this was one like no other. A glimpse into the trump-all adventure of parenthood.

Among other things, I kissed owies better, tried to sooth choruses of screams when I really felt like screaming myself, changed the world’s most epic stinky diaper (you are probably thinking, I have seen worse, but I honestly doubt it), drove to the elementary school in my nightgown, made a memory game and a chalkboard canvas out of the driveway, wiped up literally countless piles of spit-up, barely won the wrestling match in the pew during church, safely (but perhaps just barely) frequented the swimming pool and the school playground, sang lullabies, made pigtails, shook formula into bottles and desperately promised fruit snacks for good behavior.

Every night when the kids went to sleep at 7:30, I was exhausted. It was fun, but there were flashes when the thought “I really can’t do this!” ran through my head.

Here is the naive and amazed question of my childlessness – how do parents do it?

I found the answer in a tiny flake of split-second bliss where I felt what I’m sure is just a small taste of a certain brand of golden, liquid joy preserved for moms and dads. It was an emotion that would absolutely propel a parent to keep going, week in and week out, no matter how crazy things got. It was a simple moment, but miraculously and magnificently energizing, empowering, motivating and so, so, so beautiful.

I was sitting on the beach. The sun was saying goodnight with simple yellows and that lightest of blues. McKay was digging, silhouetted in front of the shimmering waves, Baby Cubby was sitting nuzzled to my left side, and Lyla stood in the sand holding my thumbs, her feet willowed into the beach as she giggled in the amber light. Her hair was wispy and golden. Cubby’s body was warm. McKay radiated the plain happiness of childhood. The hairs on my arms stood on end. The world stopped spinning. Just for a moment, just for that wildly beautiful moment, as if it was unable to contain the euphoria of such love.

Soon came the whines and the spit-up and the encroaching night. That beautiful moment didn’t last, but maybe it will last me until I have a similar but amplified experience with a child that is mine.

I thank heaven that God has put into us this extraordinary but so human ability to love.

– Charity Eyre

This story about emphasizing the “fun” in family will make you smile:

I will never forget the hot summer afternoon that my father hid in the bushes for nearly thirty minutes, garden hose in hand, waiting for my mother to arrive home from the store and walk into the house. As her car pulled into the drive, my heart began to race as I heard my father stifle a childlike giggle. As soon as she was within range, he roared from the bushes soaking her from head to toe! Soon, he turned on the children. Within moments, we all stood on the lawn, wet with water and tears of laughter.

Then, the challenge was issued. Someone had to get back at Dad!

It was a few weeks later when I saw my Mom dragging the garden hose inside the house. We followed her, curious as to what she could possibly be doing. She held her finger to her lips, begging our silence; she then tiptoed into the bathroom, hose in hand, where my father was taking a nice, warm shower. Oh, how he yelped when that icy water hit his shoulders! I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother laugh so hard. Looking back, I realize how important it was for me, as a child, to see my parents having fun. Laughter makes us feel secure. It relieves tension. It relaxes our minds. It brings families closer. Nothing warms my heart quite as much as the sound of their sincere, unabashed laughter.

– Jenny Proctor

And here’s one final story to which we can all relate:

I once heard someone compare the way we manage our lives to spinning plates. I can relate to that. A man gets plates spinning, one at a time, atop thin poles, until he has multiple plates spinning and must run from plate to plate to keep each one going before the momentum slows and each plate falls, shattering to the ground. After hearing this analogy, I took a good look at my priorities. I chose several “plates” I thought were worth spinning and tended to them carefully.

And then…we had twins.

The news that we were expecting not just our fourth, but also our fifth child was met with delight and some trepidation. One mother of twins said to me, “Keep this in mind: if it doesn’t directly affect your children, it doesn’t matter.” I thought, “Everything I do directly affects my children! What could I possibly let go of that wouldn’t affect my children?” I started to panic. I looked again at my priorities, but I couldn’t let anything go…not yet, so I kept spinning those plates. Secretly believing I could keep them all going – even with twins.

The twins were born six weeks early and with mild complications. Within a few weeks, we welcomed them joyfully into our home. The plates began to slow. My husband brought home dinner and searched for clean socks. My nine-year-old daughter wondered if I’d ever be able to hug her with both arms again or if I’d always be holding a baby. Six-year-old Mack showed signs of insecurity, including compulsive hand-washing and a heart-breaking fear of germs. My arms ached to hold my three-year-old daughter. School started. We forgot homework and show-and-tell. I didn’t volunteer. The house was a mess. I braced myself and waited for the plates to shatter all around me.

Then I discovered a secret. Most of the plates I kept spinning were paper plates. When I stopped tending to them, they slowed and gradually stopped spinning. They fell to the ground, but quietly and almost uneventfully. And I realized they would wait there until I could pick them up and get them spinning again.

The panic subsided and I looked to the plates that were still spinning and they were precious. They represented each of my family members. “Dave” rather than “Dave’s laundry.” “Grace” not “Grace’s homework.” “Mack” and not even “Mack’s fears.” Now self-assured, I could assure each family member that I would not let them fall. This season would pass and we would be better for it.

The twins are now sixteen months. Many of those paper plates are spinning again. The laundry still piles up, but most of the homework gets done. I volunteer in the classrooms and go on field trips. We breathe a collective sigh of relief, and we know better how to love and lift each other. I even make dinner almost every night. But we still eat on — you guessed it — paper plates.

– Marcie Richards

There are lots more wonderful, inspiring stories and excellent advice that you won’t want to miss.   We can’t wait to share the whole book with you!

We’ve listed all our authors in alphabetical order, by first name. “Chapter Authors” helped write and compile the 12 chapters, which included supplementary pieces from the authors listed below. We extend a HUGE thank you to all these deliberate mothers.

Chapter Authors:

Allyson Reynolds

April Perry

Catherine Arveseth

Chantelle Adams

Chrysula Winegar

Jennifer Cummings

Sarah from Clover Lane

Saren Eyre Loosli

Saydi Shumway

Shawna Woodworth

Shawni Pothier

Tiffany Sowby

Authors of Supplementary Pieces:

Abbie Vianes
Allyson Smith
Amy Makechnie
Amy Oliver
Andrea Davis
Aubrey Glaus
Becky Nibley Budge
Chantol Sego
Charla Majeran
Christi Davis
Danielle Monson
Danielle Porter
Dayna Patterson
Elise Hansen
Felicity Aston
Heather Doyle
Heather Hosac
Heather Whitehead
Jamie Jones Hadfield
Jenni Ellis
Jenny Proctor
Karin Schelling
Karen Stavast
Kim Dettmer
Kristi Linton
Laurie Brooks
Lisa Hawkins
Marcie Richards
Mary Anne Stewart
Mary Christensen
Meg Cady
Megan Stewart
Mindy Henry
Misty Pidcock
Naomi Ellis
Natalie Ellis
Penny Tapp
Rachelle Szymanski
Rebecca Kohler
Rebecca Owen
Sarah Bradshaw
Sarah Young
Sharla Olsen
Shawnie Sutorius
Shayne Dickson
Stephanie McKinnon
Terri-Ann Gawthroupe
Wendy Christensen

Here are a variety of quotes from our Amazon Reviews. To see the original reviews and their authors, click here.

As I turned each page I felt an overwhelming sense of encouragement from women I had never even met.

A wonderful boost of encouragement to any mother, no matter the stage of motherhood they are in. Insightful, humorous, tender and real stories make this a must-have for every mother to read.

This book was very inspiring because it was written by mothers who recognize the important role that they have to teach and love their children. I felt uplifted and strengthened by their experiences and stories.

The authors share real life examples that encourage other mothers to use these ’12 key powers’ to enrich their lives and the lives of their families. The reader gets a glimpse into the lives of real, normal mothers.

These are smart, well educated women sharing insights and experiences to help mothers find power and peace in the difficult work that is motherhood. I read this book faster than I have read any other parenting book, and found myself looking forward to re-reading chapters to take notes. I would fully recommend this book to working mothers and stay-at-home moms.

I have felt a difference in my mothering as a result of what I have read and focused on. It makes it easy to make goals to improve your attitude and practices towards and involving motherhood.

Fantastic, thought provoking book. The book made me think about the pace we are living at and the impact that is having on us as individuals and a family.

I have read MANY parenting/mother books before, but this one breaks the mold. This book is guilt free and inspires, builds, and motivates mothers through personal stories from the authors.

[This book] left my mind whirling with great ideas of how I can better love and serve my family, put more excitement and spontaneity in our after school routine, be the kind of mom I want to be, and not let myself get so bogged down with my daily tasks.

I only wish I would have had it sooner in my mothering ‘career.’

Read it month by month, all at once, front to back, or back to front, it doesn’t matter, it’s all wonderful. These are real moms living real everyday lives. Their stories and teachings will inspire mothers everywhere.

Small Fry Book Club: Post

Occasionally Crafty – Review by Valerie

Wild and Precious – Post by Catherine

Crossroad Reviews – Post by Jessica Porter

Enjoy Utah – Review by Michelle

“Cher-ing”My Thoughts – Review by Cheryl

Sharon’s Garden of Book Reviews – Review by Sharon

Mothering Spirit – Review by Laura

BookSparks PR – Post by Crystal

Deal Sharing Aunt – Review by Vicky

Teresa’s Reading Corner – Review by Teresa

Swish & Swoon – Review by Jessica

Find Joy in the Journey – Post by Shannon

Read Lisa Long – Review by Lisa

Fire and Ice – Review by Heather

Sunrise Avenue – Review by Alyssa

Bits of Everything – Post by Holly

Raising Lemons – Post by Tiffany