Last weekend I attended the funeral services for my husband’s uncle–one of the best men I’ve ever known. When he found out his cancer was incurable, he chose palliative care over the painful treatments he had previously been receiving. Knowing his time was short, he wanted to enjoy the last months of his life as comfortably as possible, and–in his own words–show the rest of us how to die.
Despite extreme pain and discomfort, he made a very deliberate, minute by minute choice to recognize the every day miracles in his life, express gratitude for them, and do whatever he could to lift and love everyone within his circle of influence. The last time I talked with him, he called to express his condolences (between coughing) the day after my own sister’s passing. Somehow he even managed to make me laugh before the end of our conversation.
Simply put, he was an inspiration.
The day following his funeral was Mother’s Day, and I took about an hour to myself in the morning to walk up a nearby mountainside. It was a beautifully clear day, and the rising sun warmed me both inside and out. I wanted to spend some time thinking about my uncle’s life and what his example meant to me as a mother. Hearing my uncle’s children speak of the powerful influence he had in their lives got me thinking about the influence I was having on my own children. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I wanted the most for them was the same thing I wanted the most for myself in this mothering journey: the ability to choose joy in any circumstance.
If my uncle could see every day miracles, express gratitude, and exude love for those around him while in extreme pain, shouldn’t I be able to do the same when faced with a night of interrupted sleep, a few mundane hours of housework, or a long five minute tantrum? I almost felt like the last months of his life were a challenge. An invitation. Choose joy. Everything is better when you simply choose joy.
What mother doesn’t want to feel more joy in her work and in her relationships with her children? But how is it done? I don’t think there is any bullet list that can provide a magic answer to transform a person’s life paradigm from misery to joy, but if I tried to make one, it would include two simple things: gratitude and love. At least, those seemed to be the secret ingredients my uncle used to create his joy.
One of his daughters spoke at the funeral about how no matter what happened during the day and no matter how he felt, he always ended their time together by saying, “Another perfect day.” Isn’t that beautiful? It’s not that he didn’t see the imperfection in his life, it’s that he recognized it as an essential part of his growth and felt grateful for it. Wouldn’t you like to see your life like that at the end of every perfectly imperfect day of being a mother? Why don’t you? Why don’t I?
And I’ve rarely been around someone so intent on leaving the person they were with better than they were before. His ability to love through listening, supporting, encouraging, and complimenting–it was rare. Wouldn’t we all be so much happier if we could do the same? Think of what it would do for our relationships with our children!
I know. It seems much easier said than done. But that’s my point. Could it really be as simple and easy as making a choice? (Maybe simple, but not always easy.) Criticize or praise. Resent or accept. Ignore or engage. Complain or appreciate. Aren’t all of these behaviors just mental and emotional choices we make first in our heads and then in our hearts? Think about it. Joy doesn’t require a certain amount of money, a degree from a prestigious institution, or a license from the government. Joy really is for the taking. Again, if a dying man in extreme pain can choose joy and really experience it, can’t any of us in any circumstance?
I like to think so.
QUESTION: Do you find joy in mothering? Why or why not? Do you think joy is a choice? Why or why not?
CHALLENGE: No matter what happens today in your mothering journey, choose joy anyway.
Thank you for writing this, Allyson. It is so important to find joy each day. I do remember that life is short, and try to make sure my son’s days are full of joy. But I often get busy and forget to find joy for myself too. I do think most of us can do it just by deciding to appreciate the many miracles in life each day. Others, who are suffering from depression, may need help to get there.
“Another perfect day.” I love that.
Ironically, the funerals that I’ve attended in my life stand out as some of the most memorable, life-affirming events of my life. I always leave them wanting to live better.
Whenever I hear about tragedies on the news or through friends, my heart aches for the people who have lost someone they love. These stories make me more committed to holding my loved ones close and trying to live every day so that I wouldn’t have regrets if something were to happen within my family. Life is short and fragile, and I try to remember to treasure what really matters in my day and quickly get through the stuff that doesn’t.
Thank you I needed this today. My kids got lice at school on my birthday no less! I am having a hard time seeing the joy right now, but this is a good reminder!
Oh, no, headlice is not a good birthday present. Try to have a happy birthday anyway.
As a Christian, for me anyway, the real joy in my life comes from God. I think apart from God I wouldn’t have it – real joy that is. God fills me with joy even in the midst of struggles and pain – and if it is a choice – I guess you could say that I choose to clothe myself with joy. So, yeah, I think joy, like happiness, could be something one chooses.
Every day, I choose to be a better person, mother and wife; however, there are days I feel I fail relentlessly as I did not grow up with a healthy mom-kidlet relationship – so its often been a struggle for me, being a ‘deliberate’ mother. But … each day, I choose to make an effort while all the while asking myself if I am doing it right, and is it enough – and so often the answer just eludes me. But (if it is a choice) I choose joy. I choose happiness. I choose a relaxed atmosphere in the family home.
It’s amazing to me how being joyful, choosing to be happy, can change the atmosphere of one’s home. That saying, ‘If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy,’ has a lot of truth to it. If mom is miserable – that affects the whole household. If mom is happy, joyful … that too affects the whole household. Ladies, did you know you had such power??!! 🙂 So with that I choose happy and joyful because it makes for a more relaxed and peaceful home for kids to grow up in – and hubby too. And if children have that, will they remember how much you fell short?? … I sure hope not!! I’m betting on it. 🙂
“Choose Joy”
I would add, if Dad isn’t happy, nobody’s happy. If Dad is in a bad mood, it also tends to be contagious. (Assuming Dad lives in the same home.)
That is so true, Sheryl … my father had a wicked temper and I feared him so much when he was angry – he was a thrower. Parents can really make a kid’s homelife chaotic and unstable making it feel unsafe.
That sounds awful, I am sorry you had to experience that. I was just just talking about being cranky. When my husband is cranky, it makes it very difficult for me to keep a positive attitude.
Oh yes, that too! It can be quite ‘minor’ or to the extreme.
Absolutely love this post. I learned about six years ago, while my husband was going through cancer treatment, that I had a choice in life – joy or bitterness. It was an either or, not a walking a line in both. Yep, I decided to choose joy. And that’s where my blog, findingjoy, grew from.
Thank you for your intentional voice in this parenting journey. Moms linked arm to arm are powerful and I am glad to link arms with you.
Rachel
I think you have nailed one of the most important aspects of joy: being grateful. When we see the blessings everywhere, especially in challenges, I think it transforms us to be joyful.
Thanks so much for this touching tribute to your uncle. What a wonderful way to end the day by expressing that it was perfect!
I have found that life is so much sweeter when I remember that I have so much to be grateful for — it helps me keep my chin up through trials — both the big kind, and the daily grind kind.
But I would add a message of caution as well. Life is full of ups and downs, and your uncle was a unique man — most of us are not always joyful. I worry that some readers will feel guilty or unworthy if they struggle in striving to be joyful through trials. How many women might wonder, “What’s WRONG with me, if I struggle with being joyful through my little trials while her uncle was joyful while dying in pain?” (Nothing’s wrong, it’s just that you’re HUMAN having a human experience). We need to be careful about giving women another way that they do not measure up as mothers and wives.
My mother died of cancer a few years ago — she died surrounded by her loved ones and she was an inspiration to many in the way she faced her illness. But we shared her tears as well as her laughter in the end, and I would not trade those tender moments for anything. I did not expect her to be joyful all the time, nor do I expect it of myself. My closest friends are not the perpetually joyful, they are the people with whom I can share the reality of my life, my ups AND downs, without making me feel shame or rejection when I am having a rough day and need a shoulder to cry on. They lift me up, and in turn I lift them up when they need it. Sharing burdens (and joys) with one another and “mourning with those that mourn” builds community — it’s so important it’s part of the baptismal covenant of many churches. That doesn’t mean we wallow in bitterness, but that we acknowledge trials, grief, and sadness as part of life, and recognize that sometimes it is very hard to choose joy and that’s okay.
My only point is, sometimes when we expect perfection of ourselves, the message of grace can be lost. So choose to be joyful! just don’t expect to be perfect at it.
Thank you for that comment. I think that is beautifully said and something that I needed to read along with this great article. This is a human experience we are having and those who go through difficulties choosing joy, for whatever reasons, are also learning part of what it means to be human. As they overcome those “downs” they gain a knowledge of what it can feel like to lose your grasp on joy, and are able in turn to mourn with those who mourn, and help others back to joy by being a supportive friend or family member.
I think you are right! Gratitude is the forerunner to JOY.