“I can do hard things.” I wrote that phrase on post-it notes and stuck them around my apartment one fall morning. My husband was in his first semester of graduate school. My daughter was a busy toddler, and I was six months pregnant carrying a baby girl with a devastating diagnosis.
“Your daughter’s situation is very dire.” I will never forget those words from the pediatric cardiologist’s mouth. When I went for my 20-week ultrasound, I found out that my daughter had Ebstein’s Anomaly, a heart defect that was so severe nothing could be done to correct it. I was given options: terminate the pregnancy or carry to full term and watch my daughter pass away.
My husband and I decided not to terminate but instead to carry full term. We had lost a baby when I was six weeks pregnant before our first was born; we were familiar with loss, but nothing could have prepared us for this. So from September to January we waited for this angel baby girl to join our family. We named her Emma. I would feel her kick and move while I was looking up cemeteries to decide where she would be buried.
Her heart was so big she did not have room in her body to grow lungs. She could live inside me, but soon after she was delivered she would pass away. During the holidays one of my doctors asked, “How can you do this emotionally?” My answer was, “I can do hard things.”
Emma was born on January 18, 2011. She lived four days. As I said goodbye to my sweet baby girl I kept telling myself, “I can do hard things.”
Often I would ask myself: “But how? How can I make it every day with pain that is so deep and dark? How do I keep going?” I soon realized I did not have to take it day by day. I could simply do minute by minute, slowly working through the cycle of grief while holding on to hope for a better tomorrow.
My husband was back in class within a week of our daughter’s death. “I can do hard things” turned into, “We can do hard things.” My husband graduated with excellent grades, and we had a “rainbow” baby boy a year after Emma’s death. As my husband started his career, the years passed and things slowly turned joyful again.
We found ways to serve others in remembrance of Emma. When I felt the despair creep back into my heart, collecting donations for a local children’s hospital helped heal the wounds that came with birthdays, holidays, and missed milestones.
I found great joy in comforting and encouraging mothers who were going through similar struggles. Now as I raise my little ones, I often tell them our family motto about doing hard things. When my kids learned to ride a bike and told me it was too hard, I told them, “We can do hard things.”
My husband and I decided to have just one more baby to complete our family. At the 12-week ultrasound I saw on the screen that my little angel baby’s heart was no longer beating. Amid the heartache, anger, and questions of why, I walked into my kitchen and saw the sign that still hangs on my wall: “I can do hard things.”
After recovering from a D&C and allowing my body to heal, we decided to try again. This week at my 20-week ultrasound I found out that I am expecting a healthy baby girl. I cried with joy after that appointment, thinking, “I did hard things!”
My experiences with miscarriage and infant loss have taught me how to love all mothers on a deeper level. Through it I have learned that even in our darkest, most hopeless moments, we can find light. We can keep fighting, keep going, and one day the rainbow comes.
So for today, whether you’re chasing after toddlers, working long hours as a single mom, or dealing with a child struggling in school, a teenager rebelling, or an adult child with a mental illness, get a post-it note and write, “I CAN DO HARD THINGS!” Rain ends, rainbows come, and there is always joy in the mourning.
QUESTION: What hard things have you been through or are you going through right now? Despite the difficulty and pain, are there things you’ve learned through your struggles that you feel grateful for?
CHALLENGE: Take a moment to think about your best coping methods for getting through serious hardship, or even for enduring your day-to-day challenges. Are there other methods you’d like to be able to use? If so, learn more about those methods and try to prepare by practicing them however you can now.
Edited by Lisa Hoelzer and Katie Carter.
Post images provided by the author. Featured Image from Shutterstock; graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Originally posted on October 17, 2016.
Thank you for this! I am in the first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, feeling both nauseated and sorry for myself at the same time. Whether it is the pregnancy hormones or just the nature of this article, I was a puddle of tears reading this. Losing a baby is one of the saddest things ever and I’m so sorry for your loss. Your perspective of “I can do hard things” is both motivating and true. We do hard things every day and don’t give ourselves enough credit for it. And labeling it as “hard” is very validating. It’s saying yes, this situation is really tough and boy, I could go on and on about it. My hard is hard. But regardless, I can stick with it and come out better. Thank you for writing!
Lindsay,
I love how you said, “my hard is hard.” We all have hard things and different hard things. I hope you feel better in your first trimester! Nausea is never fun.
Wow Michelle! This is powerful! Thanks for sharing your life’s journey with all of us! You, and your mother, have a legacy of being able to do hard things!
What a beautiful message. ❤️❤️❤️
Loved this… So beautiful and such a wonderful message to share amidst a very very hard series of trials. Thank you for having the courage to write this!
I wouldn’t have been as affected by your post if I didn’t have a little baby that we adopted from his birth. We couldn’t have children from our own bodies, so we’ve adopted two boys, one as a toddler and his brother born this past February. After seeing the youngest grow from birth and now as an 8 month old, I can feel your pain of loss having had the experience of raising an infant. The thought of losing someone so little and innocent and seemingly perfect had to be so painful. I can’t stop the tears just thinking about how hard that had to be. I met with a friend recently and she also has the motto that she “does hard things”, so I too am adopting that motto for my life. We have done hard things as a couple and family. Adoption is hard… worth it but hard. Thank you for sharing this!
Bonnie,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am impressed with your story about your family. Thank you for reading!
I’m so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing your story continuing to live a joyful life anyway.
It’s been a “I can do hard things” year for me. My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and has undergone radiation, chemo, and surgery. It was brutal, but he got through all of that. Now, we wait and see whether those treatments worked. For some people, they do, but no guarantee.
We were blindsided by diagnosis – no reason to expect such a thing. And we’re desperately trying to live a normal life during this waiting time. Our son has been a champ through it all, but it’s hard.
My take: sometimes I can’t take it one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
We will never get the answer to the question “why me? why now?” At least not in this life. But we can focus on the question of “how do i live now?”
Beth,
I am sorry its been such a hard year and for everything your family has gone through. I cant imagine being blindsided by a diagnosis as hard as cancer. Trying to live a new normal when things are so hard is so challenging. I am impressed with your response when you said instead of asking “why me?” We can focus on “how do I live now?”
Thank you for sharing.
I too have been struggling with hard. Our life has seemed like a series of overwhelming hits…but the past 2 include my hubby blindsided ureter and hi far grade bladder cancer diagnosis, kidney removal surgery, ongoing testing and immunotherapy and yesterday a new scare test results pending on my young no smoking exercise conscious previously strong man while we dealt with reality of healthcare restrictions (living near top cancer facilities but our expensive forced switch to the AHA choice prevents us from choosing), fear of new healthcare reform that might cause worse hardship, financial concerns as he is sole provider, one child undergoing multiple surgeries in same timeframe, and normal life hard moments like elementary age kid issues, one nest leaving and marriage, looming college prep for another, dating, car troubles, house maintenance surprise dilemmas. Life IS hard. MY hard is HARD.I try to remember we’ve SURVIVED hard before..3 parents lost to own different cancer struggles, sibling mental health issues, infertility and multiple pregnancy losses, injuries, health issues and surgeries, teen stuff, unemployment,…. BUT GOD has BLESSED us too. We are here. Alive. Together. We have love and hope. We have TODAY. I try to keep a blessing journal to focus on positive in midst of my sometimes overwhelming fear or sorrow.I love your reminder though…I CAN DO HARD!! I think I will add that to my survival tools. My Mom’s was: This too shall pass (But for me I sometimes fear future is even scarier so yours is more calming) .
Apologize for the extended reply. Perhaps someone else may benefit from my words as I have benefited from the words here. We all have hard. Sometimes more obvious and visible. Sometimes it’s temporary. Regardless of cause or duration. Pain is pain. Hard is hard. We should all remember everyone lives hard at times. Offer support. Love. Live today. Be strong. You too can do hard!
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and your strength!
I am a Board member with Power of Moms, and I pass along some of our best content to the Deseret News in Utah for publication on their Family Life blog. Can I submit this article? Let me know ASAP!
Thanks!
Rachel,
Yes you can! I hope it helps someone going through any difficult time.
It was published today! Here is the link: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865668205/Motherhood-Matters-I-can-do-hard-things.html?clear_cache=1
Congrats!
I am struggling right now, and I often then go back to one of my fave blogs. Through that one I got to this blog, and then more specific this article. I have one beautifull boy through IVF and we are trying for a second for a long time now, but even the treatments are failing us. Over here Adoption is a long and painfull process to go through and at the moment I don’t have the strenght to go through this. I’m crying every day, and often hear “oh please, you have one kid, there are plenty of people who are having a harder time”. I’m struggling with more then infertility (am I a good mom? am I a good therapist? Do I want to continu in this job? do I like/love who I am …).
Reading this, and the comment someone made (“my hard is hard”) gives me some strenght to go through with this. I can do hard, I’ve done hard before. I’m lonely, and in desperate need of a support system, but I can do hard.
Thank you ….