There are no more babies in my home. Or my arms. True, my youngest is an adorable 5-year-old who still likes early morning snuggles, bedtime kisses, and read aloud books, but she isn’t a baby anymore.
Not that I was all that crazy about the baby stage anyway. I struggled with the the lack of sleep, the lack of physical space, and the lack of quiet alone time. And I was no stranger to postpartum depression, either.
Even so, when I got an email from a friend this week who recently gave birth to her fourth child, I found myself feeling a little bit of envy. There’s just something about those little toes, the baby aisle at the grocery store, that smell on the top of their heads, and the unabashed joy on their faces when you greet them every morning.
And when I had babies, I was young. Young, fertile women have babies. Only older women have teenagers. Women in their 40‘s. Women who color their gray hair. Women who should only be seen in the junior section of the department store shopping for their teenager. Sometimes I’m just not so crazy about the idea of me and my children getting older. And older.
What in the world am I talking about? Every one of my children sleeps through the night, eats, dresses, and uses the bathroom on their own. I have a built in babysitter. I can talk and laugh with my older children like I would my friends. They can do housework, for crying out loud. I’ve arrived, haven’t I? Isn’t this the stage I’ve been looking forward to for the last fifteen years of motherhood?
And yet. And yet! There are challenges here too. The school schedule, homework, and extracurricular activities rule the day. Play dates and friendships are more complicated then they used to be. My influence is no longer exclusive. My husband and I have lost our quiet evenings alone together. Everyone is old enough to need regular discipline. (My least favorite part of mothering.) And no one is exempt from feeling left out, or doubting themselves, or being scared of something they saw on the news, or wondering where they fit in this great big world.
But babies. Babies are emotionally uncomplicated. As long as they are rested, clean, and fed, they are happy and mom can be satisfied. And babies are synonymous with promise and possibility. They have yet to be unwittingly tainted by their well-intentioned parents or the culture around them. As mothers, we can still imagine they will become infinitely smart, talented, kind, self-motivated, hardworking, popular, respectful, and clean. (Oh, how I had hoped the messes would subside as my children got older!) In reality, most children end up being just about as perfect as their parents. (Which is to say, not at all.)
But isn’t that the fun of it? Watching your children grow into who they are going to be, warts and all?
I can’t wait to see what new creations my 15-year-old daughter has drawn in her sketchbook, even if her supplies are spread out all over the kitchen counter where I’m trying to make dinner and she is clearly avoiding her instrument practice.
And I couldn’t be more proud of my 11-year-old son when I see him being kind to small children, or doing his homework without complaint. It stopped mattering to me a long time ago that he will never be a star athlete or a neat freak.
My 8-year-old daughter can hardly contain her energy and ideas, and spends most of her free time at home these days wheeling our new puppy around in a doll stroller–while on rollerblades. Yes, she has had more than one accident, and yes, she is a little bit impulsive and accident prone, but she is also a never ending source of sunshine.
And then there’s my baby. My big 5-year-old baby. She indulges me, because she still wants to be a baby, too. And a mommy. She role plays the mommy/baby relationship with anything that finds its way into her hands or imagination: Rocks, utensils, vegetables, imaginary children of her own. (Yesterday was her 2-year-old son’s birthday.) Anything and everything looks like a mommy and a baby to her.
And it reminds me. Someday my babies will grow up and have babies of their own. And that means I will have babies in my home and in my arms again.
So maybe this new stage of motherhood is just as wonderful as the last. And the next. I suspect that every stage of motherhood has its moments of triumph and joy, failure and struggle. It is motherhood after all. Why should we expect anything less?
QUESTION: What stage of motherhood are you in? What do you love about it? What about it is challenging?
CHALLENGE: When you find yourself feeling discontent in your current stage of motherhood, try to remember that every stage has its joys and its challenges. The trick is to focus on the joy.
I love this article. It sums up my feelings and stage of life perfectly! I am mom to 10 kids, 23 down to 6. My six year old still loves snuggles and all, but this is the place I dreamed of, being able to DO and have time alone, during 17 continuous years of babyhood. But, now that I’m here I miss where I was. I love the hope and innocence of the babies. I am learning to love older children and all their drama and imperfections but I look forward to the days of grandchildren and full arms again!
Well said! This is exactly where I am and you expressed my feelings beautifully.
R. Young says
I am EXACTLY in this stage, too. I have 5 children ages 17 down to 5. I, like you, did not love all those exhausting things involved with babies. I have never been baby hungry, really. But I do agree with all the challenges you listed of THIS stage of motherhood. I think that every stage has its own unique challenges. I am TRYING to do just what you have done here in your post….to SEE my children for who they are. To SEE their wonderful strengths and to ENJOY the stages that each of them are in. I am especially trying to just drink in every moment with my little guy during these last 5 months where he and I will have our quiet mornings… just the two of us. Next fall, my oldest goes off to college and my youngest goes to 1st grade…what a change that will be! Thank you for sharing your thoughts so beautifully. I totally envy people who can write well! (I am married to a writer. 😉
Danielle Taylor Porter says
oh this is great. I love love love the baby stage and am preparing myself as they are just not staying little like I had planned. 🙂 And I had to laugh out loud when I read about babies being ‘clean’ and literally as my eyes hit the word my 8 mo old baby squelched spit up all over my arm. Thankfully I had just read ‘accidents happen’ so yes it is okay. 🙂
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