While living in Boston back in 2003, I had the opportunity to attend a lecture by a very successful Harvard professor. To this day, I still reflect on a simple statement he made: “I have found that the times in my life when I am most successful are when I am acting, not being acted upon.” When I first heard him say that, I had to stifle a laugh—not because he wasn’t right, but because that idea seemed completely foreign to my life at the time.
Here’s a glimpse: My husband was attending business school, and I was taking care of our three-year-old, our one-year-old, and our new baby. My entire life was a series of events in which I was acted upon. I’d be up several times a night with our preemie, spend the day making meals and snacks, invest hours trying to clean and organize, and run errands as infrequently as possible (since that meant I had to dress everyone in hats, coats, and mittens).
When our baby learned to crawl, he started spitting up all over the apartment, so I’d chase after him with a roll of paper towels and try to mop up the mess before he crawled through it. Our oldest daughter developed a terrible cough that winter, and she’d be up through the night two or three times a week. I would sit for hours with her and the humidifier and keep her company while she barked.
When the stomach flu hit (at least once a month), I was out of luck because our apartment didn’t have a washer and dryer. I’d let the soiled blankets soak in a bin next to our shower, and once a week, I’d load up the stroller with five loads of laundry (or more) and we’d make a day of it. The girls would ride in their double tricycle, and I’d hold the baby in the front-pack as I maneuvered through two elevators, three hallways, and one wind tunnel to get to the laundry room. (At the end of our time there, my four-year-old helped push a second stroller…see below). I admit I was a bit of a pansy.
Life got easier once our children grew bigger, but I was still waiting for that “successful” time in my life when I would be in a position to act. As I have thought about that idea over the years, I have discovered some principles about “acting” that have changed the way I see motherhood and my own potential. If you’re feeling constantly acted upon, these might be helpful for you, too.
Caring for our families is acting
.I know that might sound obvious, but I didn’t “get it” until just a couple of years ago. In our society, acting is most often defined as producing something tangible that others will notice…like completing a college degree, landing a great job, or getting your name somewhere in lights. For some reason, raising children doesn’t seem to “count” out there. Moms get praise for extra accomplishments all the time, but the day-to-day work of wiping noses, mixing up mac and cheese, and wiping smashed carrots off the wall is just par for the course.
I needed to learn to see my work for what it really is. We are free to act each day, to choose between right and wrong, even though that doesn’t mean we get to do whatever we want. I’d like to run off to Hawaii when pinkeye breaks out in our home. I’d like to lay down and nap when my daughter wants to discuss how unfair her bedtime is. I’d like to lace up my sneakers and take a jog when I discover “original art” on my walls, but that’s not the life I have because I am a mother. I could have chosen a different path, but I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t.
“Acting” also encompasses some extra activities if (1) I am willing to really discipline myself, (2) if it’s important enough to me, and (3) if this is the right time in my life to do it, but those are secondary to supporting and loving my family. It’s time for me to accept my reality and make the most of it instead of sitting around complaining that I’m being acted upon (tempting some days). I don’t need to see myself as a victim simply because my family needs a lot of care. Instead, I can cheerfully remember that by being a mother, I am acting.
The expectations we have for our lives shape how we see our families and our potential.
How we feel about our lives depends on the relationship between our expectations and our realities. One way we can understand our potential and the nature of family life is to accept the fact that the world is made up of opposites. If it seems like the world is against us some days, and that we’ll never “reach our potential” or create the “perfect” family life, that’s okay. In order to enjoy the good, we need to experience the bad.
I wouldn’t feel such love for my tiny laundry room if I hadn’t rolled that heavy stroller of stained pajamas through our hallways for two years. We couldn’t truly appreciate light if no time were ever spent in the dark. We wouldn’t know how beautiful an entire eight hours of undisturbed sleep is if we hadn’t had nights where we saw the clock change every single hour. When we become mothers, we need to expect opposites and realize that we have the capacity to grow and nurture our families—even when times are tough.
The book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck describes this principle beautifully. He teaches that if you expect life to be hard, then it isn’t hard anymore. If you wake up in the morning saying, “Well, I know I’ve got my work cut out for me today. Hard things are definitely going to come my way, but with the help of Providence, I am ready for them,” then when hard times DO come, you think, “This is what I expected. And look what a great job I am doing!”
On the other hand, if you wake up thinking, “Today better be less crazy than yesterday. This is my itinerary, this is what I need to get done, this is what I want to happen, and if anyone gets in my way, there’s going to be heck to pay!”, then when the challenges come, we scream, “We’ve been cheated! Today turned out horribly! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” And when our husbands get home, we throw the babies in their arms and say, “HERE! It’s YOUR turn! I’ve had it!” Get the difference?
I know that I’ve been guilty of these misplaced expectations. I’ve made the overflowing to-do list and been upset when nothing got checked off. I’ve been surprised when I went to the store with three little children and didn’t get complete cooperation (but don’t they look like little angels?).
I’ve also been frustrated when the house turned into a pit on a day I was babysitting four other children. What on earth was I thinking? I’ll tell you. I’ve been taught all my life to “keep my sights high” because “you get what you expect.” I’ve been warned not to settle for mediocrity, to “reach for the stars,” but those thoughts don’t help me when I’m dealing with children unless the stars I’m reaching for are realistic.
Now I think like this: “Expect the worst, and be happy if things don’t get there. It’s okay for some things to be mediocre. You know which things those are.” When my expectations are realistic—not low, not “giving up,” but based on what I’m really meant to do, I don’t see my family as inhibiting my actions. I don’t see them as getting in the way of my day. And then I see my potential in a totally different light. I see myself as having the ability to bring love into a world that needs it. I see the wisdom in not wanting everything at the same time. I understand that I can make a difference, even if that difference only affects the people in my home. In essence, I see the real me.
We become stronger as we act for a higher purpose, according to our own initiative.
Consider these three ideas: (1) Motherhood is not just about what we do. It’s about who we become. (2) The work we do in our homes and with our families has meaning that lasts beyond what we can currently see. (3) The strength we develop and the impact we make increases as we act according to our own initiative—as we do things because we want to, not because we’re compelled to.
These are the thoughts that keep me going on the days I want to give up. I can’t remember the last time I had an “easy” day with my children. We’ve had great days, but they’re not easy. If I don’t keep my thoughts on a higher level, I get sucked down by the whining, the bickering, and the constant messes, but when I focus on my higher purpose and this great gift I’ve been given to make my own choices, I can handle family life with flying colors (don’t think I reach this goal every day!).
Remember that focusing on the true meaning of family and choosing to spend our time wisely doesn’t have to be complicated. Certainly, we need to cut out time-wasters and strength-zappers. Absolutely, we must seize opportunities and stay alert to the important moments that appear each day, but we don’t have to put on the best birthday party our child’s first grade class has ever seen. We don’t have to have a title. We don’t need to have the best-dressed children or the most spotless house.
When I think of mothers taking true initiative, I think of things like keeping our voices calm when we want to scream, complimenting a family member when we’d prefer to criticize, deciding to rest when we know we’re getting grumpy, filling our minds with good books or beautiful music, taking a few hours for ourselves, and deciding that today we’re going to cut out all the voices inside our head that tell us we’re not good enough.
I need to take a minute to discuss that thought. You know those voices. You’ve felt them just like I’ve felt them. They come every time you realize you’re not what you ultimately want to be. Every time you see someone who is cuter than you—every time you look in the mirror and wonder why your waist can’t be just a little smaller or your skin can’t be a little smoother—every time you hear about someone doing something greater than you or becoming smarter than you or spending money you wish you had. Those voices want you to see yourself as a failure, but the only way you “fail” is if you listen to them. You ARE good enough. You are investing time nurturing life. You are keeping things running even when your energy is about to give out. You are inspiring others who may not feel as strong. That is acting.
Initiative isn’t about making your life busier. It’s about using your gift of choice to do what you are meant to do…and you can do it. What are you meant to do? You alone can answer that. Your purpose is different from mine, but neither is more important than the other. We just need to help each other identify it and live for it. Your dedication and hard work can yield great results, and taking that intiative will make you stronger.
What do I hope you’ll take from this? (Consider these your challenges…and I’m taking them too.)
(1) I hope you will get less frustrated when your family seems to inhibit your ability to “act” and realize that simply having a family and caring for them is acting.
(2) I hope that the “extra stuff” like getting the house cleaned, building a side business, decorating, shopping, and getting everyone where they need to be will fall into its proper place—totally secondary to the relationships and the climate of the home.
(3) I hope you will invest more of your energy into acting in ways that will actually improve your family and home—like taking more naps, letting the house get a little more dusty and cluttered than you’d like, scheduling less, and cutting out anything that makes you feel inadequate.
(4) I hope you will find more joy in family life–more joy talking with your husbands, more joy hanging out together as a family, more joy in the mundane tasks that have to be done.
(5) I hope you will see yourself with more love. You are a powerful group of women. You are acting every day, and you are creating the next generation of excellence.
There will be days when nothing will go as planned, days we are so tired and frustrated and disappointed that we can hardly stand it, but let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power. Not everything is in our power, but many things are, and it is our responsibility to do them. To act.
I don’t think I’ll ever be a Harvard professor, but if I were, and if I were asked to give a lecture on success, I think I’d say something like this: “I have found that the times in my life when I am most successful are when I am acting, not being acted upon.” The same is true for you. The same is true for everyone. We can do this.
Image by jubewong/www.flickr.com.
Comments (4)
#1 Sandy Z. Said this on 4-16-2009 At 07:51 am Thanks April – this article is EXACTLY what I needed today! Reply to this Comment
#2 Allyson Said this on 4-25-2009 At 09:21 pm Love it! Thank you. You’re a true mom. Reply to this Comment
#3 Ann Said this on 6-3-2009 At 02:32 pm It has been a challenging few months for me, your comments bring hope and have helped me regain proper perspective. Your thoughts are truly inspired! Reply to this Comment
#4 C. Olsen Said this on 7-27-2009 At 08:27 pm It’s so refreshing and such a relief to know that others have the same feelings and frustrations. Thanks so much for such a great article! Reply to this Comment
