Accidental Joy in Motherhood

I never gave birth to a child I didn’t ask for. I know that isn’t the case for everyone, but it happens to be my case. I became a mother to each of my four children on purpose. Most of the time, I don’t want to imagine where I would be had I chosen another life. But, on some of the more challenging days, I remind myself this was my career choice, in spite of myself.

Lest you think, at this point, I’m one of those women who loved babies as a little girl and always wanted to be a mommy, let me share a bit of background. One of the foundational components of my faith is that we all belong to the family of God and that He has sent us here to perpetuate life in families, who would grow up to do the same. I’m always mindful of the fact that we are all God’s children working towards our own and each other’s eternal happiness. I learned God honors those who honor Him, so I knew family was in my future. That’s a pretty simplified version but an accurate summation.

Still, believing this as I did, it did not mean I loved the idea or always wished to participate. Being the oldest of five siblings, I had my share of caring for children. And with three rambunctious brothers who scared off most babysitters, I began at a very young age. As a teen I babysat for neighbors, but only because I couldn’t say no to someone in desperate need. I did make it clear: I was not to be called until all other resources had been exhausted.

I thought of babysitting as a chore and a major theatrical production. Being a perfectionist, I couldn’t stand to do any job by halves. I cleaned house, entertained children with puppet shows and crafts, baked cookies, and more. Who would want to do this kind of thing day in and day out? Mothering full time would be exhausting. My ideas about marriage were also a bit sour. I thought boys were annoying and men were just bigger versions who could be responsible but still annoying–or at the very least boring. Where would be the joy in marriage under those conditions?

Everyone I knew had heard my mantra: “I’m never getting married. I hate kids.” I used to chase my little sister’s friends around the living room with the vacuum cleaner. I was the smart girl with a handful of friends to eat lunch with and go to classes with. But on my own time, I was happy to spend all my time with books or old TV shows. I didn’t need real people around judging me, pressuring me, or bothering me.

I was born for academia. I loved school. I remembered almost everything I studied in most subjects. The only classes that held no appeal for me were P.E. and those pansy family life elective classes where you had to carry around a flour-sack baby for a week.

As things turned out, I married at 19 after a year of college. I couldn’t decide what to seriously study, so, in spite of scholarships and grants, I took a break to work on “real life”. After a couple of years working full time, I felt like I was stalling–avoiding my purpose. So, I decided to become a mother. I informed my husband, who was more averse to abstinence than to children, and we began our family.

This was all far from what I (or many others) would consider the ideal plan, but I figured I’d go all-in and stake my life on my intended destiny, motherhood. I was determined to have no maternal regrets, so I let my conscience drive.

It has been many years since I made that first choice and decided I’d see it through no matter what. I have made a lot of mistakes and done a few things right. I meant to be a mother and I have quit more than one paying job to address specific needs at home. Through my varied experiences, I have gained more humility, perspective, and joy than I could ever have gained in the graduate degrees and career opportunities that remain as yet unpursued.

The more time and skill I conscientiously invest in my family, the more I realize, whatever my original motivations for starting a family–duty or moral obligation–I have found more joy in creating and caring for my family than I could have found in any other achievement. And, who knows, maybe someday I’ll be able to pursue a Ph.D. or another career. Or maybe, circumstances will require more sharing of time and resources. But I will always have my family, and come what may, these children whom I chose will always bring me joy.

QUESTION: What is something you do in your life that is evidence of your intentional mothering?  What motivates you to do these things?

CHALLENGE: What is your purpose(s) in mothering?  Define these purposes in a mission statement.  Use this as a mental guide as you go through your daily activities.

About Chantel Rhodes

Chantel Rhodes is married to Joseph. They have four beautiful children and are beginning the adventure of teen parenting. Marriage and motherhood are Chantel’s primary jobs and the most challenging, though rewarding, of all the jobs she juggles. She also enjoys almost everything to do with words: writing, reading, playing word games, poetry, songs. Music fills her home – visitors most often hear Celtic music, show tunes or something classical playing in the background (although someone occasionally gets a wild hair to play Ray Stevens or Weird Al). And, if not for her sister’s recent wedding, she would not appear in a picture, usually being the one behind the camera whenever photos are taken. She’s a recovering perfectionist learning to take life as it comes and have more fun! Besides that, she’s a paralegal and has a bachelor’s degree in communications from Brigham Young University.