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Dear Power of Moms Community Members,
I’m coming to you to ask for help–because I know you have the answers.
The other day I received an email from a mom that struck at the center of my heart. She is struggling, and she needs to know that there is hope. It is time for us to rally around her.
As you read her email (included below), I’m guessing you’ll see yourself in her words. Your struggles will likely be different (but maybe not), and I am hopeful that you will be able to think of something helpful to offer to her–and to any other mothers who visit this post and read the comments in the future.
Please remember that Power of Moms is for mothers from all religions and backgrounds, so we would deeply appreciate it if you could keep your suggestions principle-based and applicable to a wide variety of mothers.
What books do you love? What articles or podcasts or resources have been helpful? What systems have you set up in your home? What ideas help you keep going? What would you say if this were your daughter?
I can’t tell you how grateful I feel to be a part of this organization and to be able to take a message like this, present it to you, and say, “Please…let us take a moment to lift another.”
Thank you in advance.
With deepest love and admiration,
April
The Email:
I need some serious help. Things are out of control in my home. I don’t mean abuse, but perhaps some neglect.
I’m the mother of two young children. I can’t keep my house clean, I’m losing my temper more and more, and I’m losing my will to keep trying.
Sometimes I just turn on kids’ shows for my little ones to watch because I can’t handle the stress or keep listening to their demands. It’s not that I don’t take some time for myself–I kind of do, except that if I get a few moments for myself, I’m prone to just escape and get lost in surfing the Internet or playing a stupid game on my phone.
It’s like I’m addicted.
I know you ladies aren’t really in the business of marriage & family therapy, but I really don’t know where to turn. If I didn’t have the beliefs I do about family and motherhood, I would be saying right now that I was never meant to be a mother and having kids was the worst choice I ever made.
But I don’t want to feel like this!
I always wanted to be a mother, but I feel so horrible at it that there is almost no joy left in it for me.
Can you suggest where I can turn for help?
Extenuating circumstance: it’s very difficult for me to get alone time because my husband is also addicted to pornography. He is sincerely trying to overcome it, but if I leave him in charge of the kids, or even just leave him alone for too long, he often gets so stressed out that he ends up viewing it before I get back.
All right, Power of Moms, I’m turning this over to you….
Image from Shutterstock with graphics by Anna Jenkins.
Dear Struggling Mom,
For whatever it’s worth, I have a few suggestions based on my own experience as a mom, and I’m hopefully some other moms will chime in as well. My experience is different than yours, and different strategies work for different people, so these are just some things to consider.
Routines are what helps me get through each day as a mom. Nothing rigid, but a general flow to the day seems to keep me on track. The first of which is my morning routine, which involves getting up before my son. I don’t love getting up at 5 or 6 am, but it is worth it to me to have some time to myself to check email, exercise, pray, shower, etc. Then when my son gets up, I am in a better mood and better able to meet his needs.
Next is a routine for my son. I only have one child, so I know this will be more challenging for you with two young children. But I have found that having my son on a flexible schedule has been helped him to know what to expect, and to be more cooperative. He knows that the day starts out with a few minutes of snuggling with Mom, getting dressed and eating breakfast, followed by some independent play. Each morning we go somewhere for an hour or two, whether it’s running errands, going to the playground, a playdate, etc. Home for lunch and more freeplay, followed by a nap (when he was younger) or quiet time. I do some structured playtime with him at various points during the day, and this makes him more willing to play on his own when I need to take a break or get something done. I try to alternate between quiet activities and more active play. I think that when kids have a chance to be active, it helps them to be calmer in between. Between dinner and bedtime he gets some playtime with Dad, which gives me a break. Maybe that’s something your husband could help with? It would be for a manageable amount of time, and you would be nearby so hopefully it would not lead to temptation for him.
I have found that having too many toys available can lead to boredom and kids being overwhelmed. So I rotate the toys I display. And again, I try to plan a few structured activities throughout the day. One day it might be a craft, one day it might be cooking together, one day it might be doing legos together. The variety seems to help hold his interest.
Is there room in your budget to hire a babysitter, or could you swap childcare with another mom so you can take a break sometimes?
A website I like a lot is Moneysavingmom.com. Crystal, the owner, has lots of posts about setting up a morning routine and things of that nature.
I wish you all the best.
As I read this post it resinated with me so much. Many years ago, one night my life turned upside down, when I discovered that my husband was addicted to pornography. Up that that point, I had felt my life was pretty perfect, it came as total shock. The day after I found out, I remember just lying on the ground crying all day as my two young kids (1 year-old and 3) just played around me. I couldn’t do anything.
As my husband began the recovery process, I felt like I was going to be fine, I could support him, be a good mom, etc. But as he went through the recovery and there were slip-ups, it just killed me a little more each time. I couldn’t control him, and so I turned to trying to control my children. I went from trying to force them to be perfect and good to just not caring. It was awful. I was in denial that it was my reaction to his addiction that was causing me to react like this for quite a while.
My husband told me of a support group for wives, but I did not want to go, I knew it would just be a bunch of angry wives complaining about their husbands. But one day when it was just too much, I went. It was nothing like I expected. We didn’t really talk about our husbands at all, but ourselves and how we could be whole. I soon learned that there was nothing I could do about my husband’s addiction, I could support him and be there to listen, but ultimately I had to take care of myself. I had to heal, I had to lose the codependency that comes with being married to an addict.
I could give you a list of ideas of how to deal with kids, love your kids, but that would just be band-aid trying to cover a horrible wound. Until I was able to heal and recover myself as a co-depenednt I could not really be there for my kids.
But there is hope, now many years later, we still go to recovery meetings, it is still part of our lives, but it doesn’t rule and dominate our lives and I can be there and love my kids in a way I never imagined possible. My husband and I are also closer than we have ever been. There are others out there going through the same thing as you, I am posting this anonymously as I am not ready for the whole world to know my story, but please know I say all of this from the bottom of my heart and with a hope and love for you that you too can find peace in your life.
Thank you for that. I can’t tell you how much that advice means to me.
Emily
I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but as I read your words, my heart couldn’t help but fill with love and compassion for you. Bless you, you beautiful, sweet, caring, wonderful mother. I am not a clinician, but as I have worked in my own home and with other families through my church who struggle with addictions, and based on what you have said and what you alluded to, I strongly encourage you to seek out resources that will educate you and help you heal from spousal betrayal trauma. I also recommend the Addo Recovery group, specifically. (http://addorecovery.com/) They have a lot of wonderful free resources. I applaud your husband for trying to work through his addiction, but you need help working through the trauma you’ve sustained and continue to sustain on his journey. Find a good therapist. Find a good recovery group for spouses. Go through the information on Addo Recovery and apply their principles. If you’ve been working with a leader from your church, keep in mind that very few leaders have been trained properly in how to help someone with addiction or betrayal trauma. Allow this person to help guide you and your spouse spiritually, but leave the emotional, physiological and psychological healing to professionals in those areas specifically. You mentioned you feel like you are addicted to the internet; you may be. It is very common for the spouse of an addict to develop an addiction as well. All more the reason for you to get help and healing. I see that you are pained that you cannot perform your mothering tasks as you would wish, but I would hope that you would come to see yourself with greater compassion and as you heal, begin to love yourself for what you have been able to do. It is courageous work to hold a family on your shoulders while your spouse struggles. It is as if you have been going through life with a broken leg (forgive the poor metaphor). You will only be able to do so much until that leg heals and you can strengthen it again. So take the next brave step: get some help for yourself. I come from a Christian faith tradition, so I will be praying for you. You can survive this and come out stronger.
Couldn’t have said it better. This Mama is suffering Trauma – with proper help she can do well!
I don’t begin to pretend to understand everything you’re going through and I don’t want to simplify your situation but maybe this one little thing will help just a little. You often hear, “It doesn’t get any easier,” but I want to tell you that it’s not true. As your babies get older it will get easier. They will be able to contribute and that is a game changer. I’m finally at that point and it is awesome to have a child, sometimes two who are helpful. Just to give you a little light at the end of the tunnel. Also, the book Simplicity Parenting is life changing. Truly. Praying for you.
I recommend looking at this website, or even showing it to your husband: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/where-to-find-specific-marriage-advice/
I echo the above comment about routines. Housework is very overwhelming for me too. I keep a list in the kitchen, and when I start thinking “how do I even get started on this mess,” I look at it. It says: Monday – laundry. Tuesday – grocery store. Wednesday – clean bathrooms. Thursday – vacuum. Friday – pick up toys.
My house is never perfect, but it’s always reasonably clean.
Finally, maybe you need some outside help. Have you talked about your feelings with someone you trust? A friend or pastor? Even if you don’t want to mention the specific difficulties between you and your husband, having someone support your feelings of being overwhelmed might help.
I find that the more “down in the dumps” I feel, the more time I spend glued to my phone. I think it’s very much possible to be addicted to using it! Try leaving it in another room for 30 minutes at a time while you do something else, like read a book.
Cut yourself some slack, and enjoy your kids for a few minutes every day. They don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to love them.
I can relate to a lot of your feelings. Playing with the kids and doing housework non-stop often feels super overwhelming to me. On a daily basis I sometimes wonder how I will survive the day with three children, and surfing the web is like brain candy. It feels so good, but after I feel awful for having wasted so much time, my housework is backed up, and I ignored my kids ….again.
One tip that REALLY helped me this year was Stay Focused. It’s a free program to download. You can choose a few “time sucker” websites and set a limit. I set Facebook to 10 Min a day. It’s just enough to check my feed a bit or respond to messages, and then it locks out, and there is nothing I can do for 24 hours to get on Facebook on my computer. You can also set it for other websites that seem to be difficult to peel away from.
Since setting Stay Focused, I still spend too much time on-line sometimes, but not on Facebook!
I need to set a limit for Power of Moms. 🙂 hehe
Other tips that have helped me time to time get out of a rut:
Commit to something to get out of the house FIRST thing in the morning
( Get a morning paper route, get a running/walking group together for the morning, commit to work a part time job in the AM, offer to take the kids to school and someone else picks up…..somehow forcing myself to get out of the house earlier in general really helps me.)
Hire someone to clean for 2 hours once a week for the “deep” cleaning (mopping, toilets, etc.), and commit to have the house straightened up by that time. It’s motivating to have a deadline each week to have everything straighted up.
Wishing you the very best, and sending good vibes your way,
K.
Kay, I was looking in the App Store for stay focused and didn’t feel confident that any of those available were the one you mentioned. Could you provide a link?
Thank you!
http://www.stayfocusd.com/
Sorry for the late response! It is tricky to find….because it is spelled strangely. stayfocusd
Enjoy!
Kay
I don’t have any sure fire answers, but I just want to let you know that I have been there – from the way you feel about the children, to the husband with the pornography problem. You are not alone, but it’s the kind of struggle that we hold private. None of us want to be judged or criticized, nor do we want to throw our husbands under the bus for their weaknesses. Those of us who suffer from these struggles rarely feel like we can talk about them without shaming ourselves or our husbands, so it’s often a very lonely battle. I commend you for having the courage to ask for help!
I think one of the most important things you can do to get started is to address the way you think about motherhood. The way you think affects the way you behave. It helps to identify your negative thoughts and change them to positive, more accurate thoughts. For example, you might be thinking, “Being a mother is the worst choice I’ve ever made.” If you think that, you are going to behave as if it is true, but is it REALLY true? Challenge that negative thought with the truth: you wanted to be a mother. You have happy moments as a mother. You love your kids. You want what’s best for them. (This is called cognitive behavioral therapy – you may want to look into it a bit more if you’re not familiar with it). Work on that for a while, and as your thoughts change, you’ll find it’s easier to be present for your children, to maintain your patience, and to fulfill your duties as a mom. Start small. You don’t have to fix everything all at once.
Best wishes to you!
Dear Struggling Mom,
I could have written most of your letter! I too was having a hard time with my two kids and keeping up with the house work. My extenuating circumstance was different though: my husband had to go out of town for work for a month then again a few weeks after that for a weekend. And then for two weekends in a row. It all seems to just pile up and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.
But I can tell you that there is! I second Claire’s suggestions above. Waking up early is sometimes not fun. But it gives you some much needed quiet time. Having a schedule for the kids helps too. As does maybe planning some easy outings with them.
For the chores. I highly recommend getting your husband to help. I don’t care if he works and you don’t (if that is your situation). He lives there too. Also hire someone. Even if it’s a one time thing and they only clean part of the house. It will help you.
I understand the internet and game thing. I do. It’s easy and mindless. Delete all the games from your phone. Delete facebook etc. Stayfocused is a great app! It lets you get on the sites but really does limit your time on them.
The pornography issue. That’s tough. Although there are additional emotional issues wrapped up in that it is similar to your internet/phone use in that it’s a mindless way to de stress. Both of you need to find alternate healthier coping mechanisms. Whether it’s deep breathing, working out, yoga, reading, listening to music etc. If your kids are old enough make them go out in the backyard for at least 30 minutes (weather permitting). Or put them in front of a show. (but just the one) and use that time to re energize and de stress yourself. If they are too young to do that strap them in a stroller and go for a walk. If you have family or other mom friends see if you can do a childcare share. i.e. you watch their kids for a few hours on Monday and they take your kids Wednesday afternoon to give both of you some alone time.
Routines for both you and the kids are important. The ladies above have given some great ideas on them. The important thing to remember with all routines is that sometimes life gets in the way and they fall to the back burner. That’s ok. You just have to restart them. It doesn’t make you a failure. Just human.
I can understand those feelings…so for me the biggest thing was to just pick 1 thing that I could do every day. So I picked the most important thing to me, the thing that bothered me the most. Perhaps its just reading a book with your kids before turning on the tv, or perhaps it is just doing a load of dishes every day. What I found was that after a few weeks that one thing was a habit and then I added just 1 more thing…and as I did 1 thing at a time I found myself doing more than 1 thing because once the dishes were clean then I found myself cleaning off the counters and once I was menu planning I found myself organizing my pantry so I know what I had to eat instead of buying the same thing over and over again. Flylady is a great daily cleaning routine or a new program I just started is Make Over Your Mornings which is really great. Good luck!
With your husband’s addiction, you might consider cutting off Internet in your home altogether or, less overwhelming, installing time controls so it can only be accessed at certain times of the day. You can do this through a router like Pandora’s hope. You could also have him watch the kids in a place outside your home where it’s fun and distracting like an indoor playground or a local park or zoo while you take time for yourself to window shop, grab a smoothie, go to a book club or something.
You also can’t just eliminate negative behaviors, they need to be replaced with something. Perhaps you could keep a notebook handy to draw or journal instead of going online or watching tv. You could even make your own boredom jar with slips of paper that have different ideas on them like making up a story, soaking your feet, building a fort for the kids, gardening, a workout video etc. (I need to take my own advice here.)
Try to be patient with yourself. Sometimes it’s just about survival.
Those feelings of being overwhelmed and irritable could be related to depression. Consider talking to your family doctor or a mental health professional. I have been there, and it’s not always easy, but things can get better.
Dear Struggling Mom
I believe we are all saying the same things Routine is the best way to keep the day moving. I LOVE flylady.com she has great advice and tools on how to do simple cleaning and routines.
I think all moms feel like giving up at some point, it is the nature of our self guilt. Give yourself grace to take baby steps. I also find waking up about 30 minutes before my kids helps me get focused for the day. I read exercise make a short to do list or just sit in the quiet.
Everyday is a new day and it will get better!
I love what the other moms have already said…my little addition are simple ideas that have helped me when I have found myself in all too familiar situation. Instead of checking Facebook, playing games on my phone etc, I switched to escaping to nature, religious blogs, scriptures, and exercise. Those things fill my soul and replenish it. Games and social media seemed to just numb me.
I also write in a journal…this a very therapeutic and helps me relieve the stress of motherhood.
Sometimes I do a quick cleanup then get out of the house with the kids so no one can mess up the house 😉 parks, creek, even looking at the animals in the pet store.
Also take turns with another mom doing a play date so you can have alone time without leaving your husband on his own.
Dates with hubby can also help!
Being a mom is so very hard and we need each other to succeed! Hugs
My heart hurts for the hard things that moms go through- I am sorry to hear that things are hard right now for you. A few things that help me:
Do everything you can to carve out QUIET TIME for you and your kids. Even young young children can do this and it has been a lifesaver for me. Read Mommy’s nap time 101 by April on this site. I try really really hard to separate “mommy time” vs. “me time” and even if I only get 1/2 hour some days I use that as a reward to do what I want to do to recharge and feel good. I save my (fun) emails and fun things for that time. Yes we need more time than that often, but we don’t get the ideal every day and this helps more than I can say. It helps me to block my time so that I am getting sucked into phone/internet when I am “on duty” with kids.
Have a routine. REALLY simple if needed- write down a few basic things that you are aiming for within each part of the day (seperate by morning, afternoon and evening). Set tiny achievable goals inside the day that are enjoyable for you and your kids. It is amazing how good you feel after doing one thing that makes them happy too- and I am not talking about giving treats or shows- do you like to read books to them? Play toys? Go on walks? Set one little thing that you want to do that makes you feel like a rockstar mom and then do it, and then think on that throughout the day – even if it didn’t go perfectly.
Pray…even if you are not religious…pray like crazy for you and your husband and your family. There is more help than we know if we ask for it. I am praying for you too and hope that you get some things that can help.
To the sweet mom who feels in need of “serious help”
I commend you for recognizing your need and reaching out! It takes a lot of courage to open up, be vulnerable, and seek encouragement when life feels overwhelming and dark. Please know that you are not alone and that yes there is hope!
You said you can’t keep your house clean, that you are losing your temper, and that you want to give up trying. You also said you feel as if you are “addicted.” When people are addicted to anything, they ultimately feel isolated and alone. They are “numb” to both the joys and the pain of life. Of course, this can easily lead to depression (which is not so much “sadness” as it is a feeling of hopelessness.)
You are living with an addict. This takes a huge emotional toll on a person. Most women who discover their husband is addicted to porn experience what counselors call “betrayal trauma.” The symptoms of very similar to post traumatic stress disorder. Besides dealing with this “trauma” you still feel responsible to be a reliable parent. In many ways you feel as if you have become a single parent (as your husband does not have the capacity to handle much.) In this state of emotional overwhelm, it would be very normal for you to start putting up defenses: you don’t want to be hurt anymore. The problem, though, is that defenses we put up to keep out pain won’t let joy in either. This is most likely why you feel addicted. You can relate to the numbness and isolation of an addict. You lose your temper more because you are working so hard to keep your defenses in tact that you do not have the emotional energy to process anything else and you are afraid that if you let your walls down, you will completely collapse and your kids will be left parentless. Your defenses want to keep your kids at bay for their own good!
You feel stuck in a loop and there doesn’t feel like there is a way out, but there is!!!! The first step is to stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up for things that you failed to act on or failed to see in the past with regard to your husband and his addiction. Then, you need to muster any energy that you can pull up (like you did when you wrote your email to Power of Moms) to find support and help in working through the trauma of your husband’s addiction. There is a healthy part of you that wants to survive, that wants to feel again, and that wants to provide a healthy mom for your children. Listen to that healthy part. Find counseling with a counselor that understand betrayal trauma. Read books on betrayal trauma. Find a 12-step program for wives of sexual/porn addicts. Reach out to at least one person that you trust who will help you to find resources and who will check in on you regularly. You should also make an appointment with your doctor and get labs taken. Make sure you are not low in any major vitamins (like B or D) that can impact mood and energy. If all this seems overwhelming, just reach out to that one person who can hold your hand through this.
You have great courage. Your email tells me this is true. Keep following the path of seeking support and let the strength of others into your life. The opposite of “addiction” is not sobriety….it is human connection. That is what you need. Keep asking and then do the really hard thing: begin to let it in.
Well said!
I agree.
I wish I could give you a huge hug right now and take your kids for you to have a break. You are not a horrible Mom! You are a Mom dealing with betrayal trauma and are barely hanging in there! You need to focus on your recovery no matter what your husband does. His addiction IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It has nothing to do with you. You can’t control it or make him stop. All you can focus on is to get you better so you are healthy for those babies. I think your phone is an escape from your reality. Addo recovery is fantastic as is anything by Rhyll Croshaw. Seek help NOW, start to heal, and make sure you set boundaries and care for yourself. Much love from one who has been in your shoes.
You got it! Betrayal Trauma – it’s real – and it collapses your brain. Once Mama gets help and support she can heal!
I think it’s great to have an “out” even if it is your phone and the kids are watching a show while you unwind a bit. I know I have to be careful with social media. It is very easy for me to feel horrible about myself and my own situation when I look at post after post of put together mamas (while I am not showered with peanut butter on my pants) and their picture perfect children…who seem so perfect they probably potty trained themselves and wouldn’t think of leaving crumbs of playdoh behind 🙂 I have to be careful not to compare my worst to everyone else’s polished, perfectly poised, posted best. So for me if I’m turning to my phone for stress relief I have to find constructive things to do with it like journal, read articles or books, etc.
Know that there are hundreds of mamas pulling for you! You can do this!
So much of what you wrote resonated with me. There have been times when I have felt truly desperate about the place I was in and about the way I was mothering. I went to counseling for dealing with stress via eating disorder behaviors (both undereating and overeating), and it changed my life. Although my counseling was for eating disorders, I feel like what I learned could be widely applicable to anyone who is struggling with negative thoughts about themselves and habits they would like to break. I recorded a podcast about what I learned in counseling with April, and you can find it here: https://powerofmoms.com/unhealthy-stress/ I hope it can be helpful to you! You are probably using the internet and your phone to numb some of your uncomfortable feelings, and I include some strategies for overcoming that.
I echo what others have said about much of your overwhelm as a mother being related to your husband’s struggle, and if you think it would be helpful, I really encourage you to seek a support group or counseling. It made a world of difference for me. You are going through an incredibly difficult thing–please don’t feel bad about yourself that can’t “keep it all together” right now. You are hurting! Please please please give yourself grace.
Do you have any girlfriends who live close to you whom you could confide in? Whether or not you tell them about your husband’s struggle, if you told them about the depth of your desperation right now, I’m sure they would love to help–possibly take your kids to the park on a regular basis, invite you and the kids to go and do something so you’re out of the house more often, etc. When I have been in really tough spots, it was so hard for me to admit to the people around me that I was feeling desperate (it was much easier for me to send a text to someone far away); but the people who are nearby are those who can help on a day-to-day basis. Think of someone whom you really trust and confide in her–ask her for help.
And as for routines–YES. They help me so much. And I suggest that you schedule plenty of TV time for your kids into that routine, that way you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Maybe mornings could consist of breakfast, a short outing or walk, and then a movie for the kids so you can get ready, journal, read, pray, whatever. Then you have lunch, do an activity together, run an errand, and the kids watch another movie while you prepare dinner. I know two movies in a day sounds excessive, but are your kids watching that much already? Yet since it’s not in the schedule, you feel guilty about it? Just put it in the schedule and make sure you are also interacting with them in between, and do not feel guilty about it. They will be fine! That much TV is temporary–it’s just to give you the quiet time that you need to heal right now. Once you are feeling better, you can ease back down on the TV time, but right now, please allow yourself those breaks! When I had horrible pregnancy nausea for 9 months, my son watched so much TV and I felt horrible about it. But a friend of mine told me that Disney is God’s gift to mothers and that my son would be just fine long-term, and guess what? She was right!
The only other thing I want to add (sorry this is so long) is that having two little kids is a really tough place for a lot of mothers. Your oldest doesn’t have a real playmate yet, so he/she wants YOU all the time. Both of your children have so many needs, and you don’t have an older child to help you yet. Several of my friends have told me that having two little ones was the hardest point for them in all of their motherhood experience. So please don’t think that you are a wimp for thinking that this is hard–it IS!
I will pray for you tonight. Please know that you are not alone. xoxo
So much has been said in the comments above. I could have been the one writing this letter, several years ago. The only thing I might add is that it may actually help you to engage with your little ones in fun activities. It seems so counterintuitive, but choosing to give them your attention in positive ways may make all the difference in the world as to how you feel. When all you want to do is escape the pressure, and it feels like you’re all alone, that you aren’t strong enough to do everything, that if anyone asks you to do anything, you may fall apart…. let yourself focus on just one thing–what you can do. Choosing to focus on my children and share myself with them (rather than escape to _____ (fill in the blank)) allowed me to feel little snippets of joy in them rather than always be irritated and frustrated with their demands on me. It is very hard, and often I had to choose it over and over, but it helped me change from feeling the victim to being in control of something, even if it was just me. If you are religious, I believe that God honors what we can do.
First, my advice: Find a friend! Find a mother with similar aged kids, with similar interests – namely being a mother first and foremost. Ask her for help, find little ways to help her, swap kids (it’s amazing what you can handle in someone else’s kids that you can’t handle with your own), have playdates so kids can play and moms can chat. Become sisters at heart.
This does take time to completely fulfill, but I was shocked and amazed at how quickly my depressive state began to melt when I find my sister mom.
The reason I think this will help you is because in your email, you said, “I always wanted to be a mother, but I feel so horrible at it that there is almost no joy left in it for me.” 2.5 years ago I found myself saying, “All I ever wanted to do was be a mother, in fact a mother of many, I only have 3 and I absolutely cannot do this, but it’s my dream and I’m not a quitter, so I’ll muddle.” 2 years ago we moved – mostly to help my husband through a rough patch. It didn’t solve his problems at all, but I’ve been a different woman ever since. I hope sharing what I learned can give you hope and a possible solution without uprooting your family.
I will continue on my computer in a few minutes.
I’m sorry, I was attempting this on my phone, and it was wigging out and I didn’t want to loose what I had already typed. And I needed to put my kids in bed…
Before I moved, I had wonderful friends. In fact, I was surrounded, the problem was that I wasn’t matched well with them. 2 of them were mothers of older children who were already in school. They were super sweet and helpful and I wouldn’t have survived at all without them. They gave advice when asked, they gave support all of the time, they reminded me that I was doing what I always wanted to do and what they and I felt that I should be doing while my children were young, they helped in little and big ways ALL of the time. I didn’t realize until later, that knowing that I would survive and my kids would thrive even with my huge shortcomings because these wonderful women and their children had, is not nearly as beneficial as seeing someone else survive right along side me in the trenches.
The other women, had slightly different values than me and kept pushing me to find alone time, and time to exercise, and time for hobbies, and taking care of myself. These things are quite important, but no matter how much of that stuff I did, I just felt worse. There was less time to take care of my house, and spend time with my children, and that wasn’t where my priorities and dreams lay. I felt they were actually pushing me away from my family and my dreams by saying, “Just being a mom isn’t enough, you have to be more” I didn’t want more, I just wanted to be happy as a mother. For me all the extras made that even more impossible.
There was one mom with 2 kids right in between my 3 kids. We started playdates and went to library storyhour together and swapped kids and confided in one another. But she too wasn’t content just being a mother, she was always asking me how I found time to do things I cared about outside of motherhood and didn’t much like my answer of, “I don’t, I’m living my dream – I didn’t realize how much my dream might stink, but it’s still my dream and I want to keep it my focus.”
Then we moved. Across the street from us is this little woman with 5 boys (I had 3 boys and gave birth to another only a few months after moving). We not only had boys in common, but motherhood as a priority as well. This woman LOVES being a mom and spending time with her boys and everything she does is about what’s best for them. That’s not to say she doesn’t have her hard times and bad days, but this crazy hard road called motherhood was her only dream too – at least while the boys are little. Just watching her out of my window began to lift my spirits. She was thriving through motherhood and I could watch her do it, not in hind sight, not wishing for something more, but right here, right now!
She’s a wonderful neighbor too and introduced herself and offered her services. I started by asking questions about the school and helping out there as that was part of my motherhood dream and this was the first year any of my kids had been in school. Then I started randomly walking across the street when she was outside working in her flower beds so I could soak up the sun and get some adult conversation. Then I knelt and started picking weeds with her. I offered to have her boys over (she has one just older than my oldest, one the same age as my second and one smack dab between my 2 youngest, she also has 2 older boys). She told me about awesome groups in the neighborhood such as library storyhour and a group that tours the local parks during the summer. She helped when my baby was born. She saves me in SO many ways, but the most important is that she not only supports who I am and want to be, but she allows me to support her in who she is and wants to be and that looks very similar to both of us.
I lucked into my sister mom. But since meeting her, I have found MANY others, and know that if I had reached out a little more in my last area, I would have found at least one there. And as I have come out of my deep hole, I am more capable of being great friends with and learning from mothers not quite as similar to me instead of allowing thoughts of being different (read not enough) to drag me down. I wish I could be your sister mother, from the sounds of your email, we have enough in common to make great ones! And if any of this sounds like it may help, I would be more than willing to be a penpal sister mother.
I promise, if you can step a little out of your comfort zone and find a mom that seems similar to yourself and serve her a little and dare to ask her questions (believe me we have ALL been in some place similar to you and want to help if we can because we love to feel needed by another adult) and let her see some of your pain instead of the façade we like to show, it will help you heal and find hope and find joy again in those two little ones. My prayers reach out to you! The fact that you are searching for help shows me that you can do this and you and your children will not only survive but thrive and that will help your husband eventually too. Good luck in your journey!
This is a GOLDMINE response. Not just for this particular mother expressing her frustration, but for me as a potential supporter of my friends in similar situations, in being reminded of outstanding ways to help. I really appreciate the reminder that suggesting “non-mothering” pursuits isn’t always the most helpful thing, as well as how powerful it can be to simply BE another mom, in the trenches with her kids. Thank you so much!
I know just how feel. I had to heal myself first before I could help my children and my husband. I still got a long ways to go, but I’m getting there. I’ll keep you in my prayers and you can do this STAY STRONG. Also the books Living Virtuously by Erin Harrison and Created to be a Help Meet by Debi Pearl are life changing.
Hugs and prayers for you. It’s really good that you are asking for help. ASK. TELL. You are not alone, but you are if you keep it to yourself. The only reason you are getting in a rut is because you’re trying to block out the bad. It’s just a way of coping. When you get the help you need to feel good about yourself, and you understand that it’s not your fault at all about your husbands addiction, then you can begin to feel hope.
Reach out with all this advise and you will succeed! You are a mom and that’s the best thing in the world! Your kids need you so much, and you are valuable! Take one hour at a time. ❤️
To a Courageous Young Mother
I love The Power of Mom’s and all the wisdom above is so inspiring. There is power in womanhood!!! I’ve raised my children to adulthood now and it’s wonderful to know we are not alone. I HOPE YOU ARE CELEBRATING THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE ASKED FOR HELP. You may want to consider making a simple focus chart that has ONE SIMPLE STEP of what you would like to do that is important to you. I call it a #l. It surprised me how much I did that was down the list of priority a #2 or #4 or 5. Real life happens and things come up. Pick one area of life. Example health, finance, home order, etc and stay with that for at least a couple weeks. I do a month or longer. You stay with the #1 you wrote down day after day until it is a yes. Write down in the morning and check off at the end of the day a YES or NO. You can briefly track the success story or the excuse. This builds accomplishment energy and you may recognize some patterns of behavior that you want to change to NOURISH YOURSELF. This should take less than five minutes a day. Try smiling in the mirror as you brush your teeth to some uplifting music and say- I am _____. (choose something positive) You might smile through tears and I good cry for a tiny bit cleanses the soul. L.O.L. (Have a good laugh daily) My thoughts and prayers have been with you for continued success on one of the most demanding and important careers there is-Motherhood!!!
I don’t have thoughts or ideas for everything you’re dealing with right now. But one thing that lightens my load on my tough days is to get out of the house. Sometimes I go on a walk (pushing my double stroller) or take the kids to a park. Or I arrange a play date or go to the library. I actually hate being a stay-at-home mom, on the days that we just stay at home. I have to get out or I get kind of stir crazy, and sometimes things are more manageable when I come back with a fresh view of things.
After reading your email, my gut response is not to “fix” everything all at once, but to offer my understanding and sympathy. I have felt your feelings. There are soooo many mothers out there that have walked an hour, a day or a week in your shoes. That validation is like taking a breath after holding it for 3 minutes straight. I am convinced motherhood is the hardest job on the planet. But knowing that there are so many mothers out there who struggle daily helps me to breathe (because I realize this is hard battle).
Now for the things that help me: During a rough day, I take any chance I get to “reset.” If the car ride to the store was less than ideal, getting out of the car, closing my door, walking around to my daughter’s door and opening it up, helps me think,”Push the reset button. Start again.” My children are so responsive to this. Their attitude changes when mine does. Like Alexander in the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, I had a tendency to think, “Well I let my daughter watch two movies in a row so today is done for and plain crappy. And I’m going to eat oreos the rest of the day.” Now, I realize the whole day doesn’t have to be done for. Maybe THAT part was bad, but the rest of the day can be better. I can go on a walk with them, make them a good meal and smile when I tuck them in. Those three things make a fantastic mom. On a similar note, one Power of Moms article/podcast (sorry, can’t remember which!!) talked about “do-overs.” I use them too, not just my children. I think that saying to your child, “Hey, I messed up back there. Let’s try this again,” is so empowering.
I loved loved loved April’s post on her multiple choice perfect day. I think of that often. Today I did #4, #7, and #9 on my list. That’s all I had in me. Tomorrow I might do different numbers. I often think, if we did everything we want and are supposed to do every single day, that would be exhausting. Just do what you can.
Another thing that has helped me recently when I get down on myself or my situation is laughter. I have been listening to some audiobooks by a comedian and it has really made a difference in my mood. Even if it’s for 10 minutes or so during the day, it helps me think of other things (like how overpriced airport food is). During labor of my first child, I remember watching a dvd of a comedian perform some stand up. Cliche as it sounds, laughter can be amazing medicine.
A final piece of advice is to have physical contact with other adults every single day. Even if you don’t feel like it, get out of the house. Go to the grocery store, the library, out to lunch with friends, etc, but talk to adults. That will help you get up, showered, dressed, have something to look forward to, help with routine in your day, etc.
I hope you are doing a little better, seeing as this is two days after this email was posted. All the previous comments were lovely. Take it one day at a time. It will work out. 🙂
That is great that your husband is sincerely trying to overcome his addiction! There is loving support available. If you attend a church your religious leader may be a great person to help turn you both to available support options. If you don’t attend a church the Internet may be a helpful resource too. I just typed “overcoming pornography” into google and many resources popped up. There are also addiction support groups and counseling. I know there are addiction groups out there (kind of like AA) for overcoming any kind of addiction, and I know some are free! The more people and resources you and your husband have on your side with that the better!
About how you are feeling about motherhood… The fact that you visit a website like this and are turning to others for help about your feelings seems to say that you ARE a loving, caring mom. Don’t worry, I think we all get burned out sometime.
Although my personal struggles are unique to me and different from yours I will share with you what I did during a time of struggle. I went through a time of postpartum depression which made the day to day tasks of motherhood very challenging. On my low days when even getting out of bed was difficult for me I decided to make a special list. On my list I put one thing I could do for or with each of my kids. If I did those things on that list (and they were always simple things that didn’t take energy because I lacked energy at that time) then I felt like I had done something good that day. At the end of the day I could say, “I read with this child…” and “I asked this child how school went and listened…” and then I felt that I had done well even through my struggle.
Lastly, have you heard of “child directed play”? I have read about it and on occasion tried it with my kids. I don’t know how old your kids are, but it works great with very small kids. I’m not naturally excited to hang out with toddlers and babies. Obviously, as a mother that’s a big part of the job :). So I have tried out child directed play with my kids at this age. When my youngest are playing I watch what they are doing for a minute, then I sit down by them on the floor and talk about whatever is in their hands. If my baby is looking at a toy, I’ll talk to her about it, I’ll act (and try to be) interested in that toy too. I let her “lead the way” so if she starts looking at another toy I too start enjoying that toy with her. It doesn’t take that long to do, and it actually does help me feel more connected to those babies and tots.
I hope this helps. Don’t give up. Life changes and so do circumstances and feelings over time. I wish you the best. Much love!
Like other people have stated, I have been where you are. Just a few months ago I went through a period of depression triggered by some events in my life that were out of my control. It made me really angry and depressed. At times when I’m depressed, I act out my addiction to surfing the internet, watching television, reading books—I’m addicted to escaping through media. It’s enough for me to recognize that I have this tendency and to try to cope with negative emotions through other means (reciting positive mantras, talking to my mom, talking to my husband). But if you really feel like you are addicted and that you can’t get this addiction under control by yourself, I would definitely suggest at least a couple visits with a counselor, or attending an addiction recovery program.
Being addicted to something doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human! I think that there are “acceptable” addictions and “unacceptable” addictions, but in reality, most people have coping mechanisms that if taken too far make their life unmanageable. It’s at that point that you need to decide to reach out for help.
About motherhood: Again, I am here on a regular basis! I have to remind myself that I wanted to have these two children that I now (rarely, but I really do) feel trapped with. I’ve come to realize that there is no perfect answer, no silver bullet, for those bad days. So there are several things that I rely on. Some of them have been mentioned here. Try to get out of the house once a day (preferably in the morning to start the day off right), which gives your kids something interesting outside of the TV to look forward to, and gives them less time to mess up the house! Play music or sing with the kids. Music makes me feel really good, and my oldest daughter loves to sing, so it’s a mood booster that she also likes to participate in. I also recently started making a list of things for us to do at the beginning of the day. I ask my daughter to tell me one thing she wants to do, then I tell her one thing that I want to do. We go back and forth until we have about 8 things written down. At first I tried to do as many of them as possible, but that made me too stressed out. So now I just use the list when she’s asking for TV, to distract her and remind her that there are fun things to do aside from the TV. And sometimes, we have days when she watches TV, I surf the web, nothing gets done in the house, and my husband has to bring home fast food for dinner. On days like that, I let myself count it as a break day, and then let myself move on the next day. Not counting it as a failure helps keep me from getting depressed and engaging in the addictive cycle.
I have realized for a while now that I am a better parent when I’m around other people: my husband, people at church or the park, etc. When I was depressed, that made me think I’m a fake good mom, that I just care about what people think of me as a parent. But as I’ve thought about it more, I’ve realized that it’s because being around other people fills a need that I have which my children are not yet able to fill. Also, I get help people like my husband which makes the job easier. And I gain a dose of reality when I can turn to another person and laugh at my toddler throwing a tantrum that I don’t think to do when I’m alone. So, my daughter likes to talk about Jesus, and talks about how she wants him to come to our house and hold her. The other day, when we were having a bad day, I had a flash of inspiration. I prayed that Jesus could come to our house and be my companion for the day. My daughter really liked that, and talked about it a lot that day, and I kind of felt like I had another person with me as I thought about Jesus being there with me. I don’t think I could rely on this every day! But it helps on days when we’re not going out for me to interact with other adults.
Finally, I just have to say that your husband’s recovery is his responsibility. I’m not saying this as a criticism, but as encouragement to let go of some of the anxiety you have in your life. You need some alone time, maybe not every week, but regularly. If you think that you would be able to get him and the kids out of your mind and enjoy the solitude that you need, then you can leave it up to him to decide how he is going to avoid relapse. If you don’t think you would be able to let go of anxiety over him, you could 1) arrange for him to take the kids out, 2) all go to a park together and have him play with the kids while you walked around, 3) drive somewhere and take all the electronic devices with you, or 4) get a friend to babysit for you. But hopefully you can reach a point where you can give up the need to control (or if he’s pressuring you to be his link to sobriety, you can set appropriate boundaries where he takes responsibility for his addiction and his recovery).
I echo what the other moms have said. I wish I could give you a big hug and tend your kids so you could wonder around Target by yourself…like someone did for me when I was having a hard time.
Although you wrote this letter not too long ago I’ve been thinking about this letter for a long time….because I got a near identical one from a dear friend. At the time I didn’t know what to say to my friend… but after struggling with post-partum depression … I’ve gone from surviving to to in many ways… thriving- (which to me is feeling peace, joy and fulfillment). I’m writing a lot but I promised myself that if I were to feel joy again I would try and help as many mothers as I could.
I’m writing a lot of things I’ve found helpful. Please take what works for you at this time in your life.
IDENTIFY THE ROOT: For years when I’m exhausted and overwhelmed I tend to just want to kind of numb those feelings by mindlessly eating or browsing social media.
I’ve put a lot of effort on fixing my “problem”. I’ve read several books on eating, worked with dietitians, read books on being present, set up phone rules etc… But recently I’ve realized I may have been doing it backwards…. I’ve needed to put my energy on not being so overwhelmed and exhausted in the first place.
Since I’ve poured my energy into taking care of the exhaustion (laser focus on a morning and evening routine) and not so overwhelmed (bringing more order physically, spiritually, intellectually emotionally into my life)…. I now wake up with more energy and a plan for the day that leaves me feeling focused and like I have more purpose.
A Miracle has taken place…I no longer feel the to constant urge to mindlessly eat or or compulsively check my phone. Your root might be something similar or your husbands addictions. Whatever it is throw your energy there.
LIVE FROM YOUR DEEPEST VALUES IN THE PRESENT MOMENT: I recently took a course from Jess Lively (from life with intention) that really helped me. She taught about the three levels of success a person gets caught up in: the Having, Doing and then the BEING.
She taught that we often think in life that when we “have” something then we will be happy. But everyone know that the happiness fades as soon as the car gets dirty, breaks down and gets its first ding.
We then move to the “doing” level of success where we think that when we “do” certain thing we will be happy but the problem is that there is always more to do.
The third level of success is the “being” level. When we “BE” or in other words “act on our deepest values in the present moment” We experience Peace, Joy and Fulfillment. Those are eternal lasting feelings.
When we make decisions act from our essense/spirit/l/true self and not our ego/natural man/ moods truly is peace, joy and fulfillment that accompanies those decisions.
The good thing is that no matter where you are or what circumstances you are in you can “BE” -by making decsions based on your deepest values in the present moment. Someone once told me “we are only powerful in the present” and I loved that because moment by moment I can live my values.
I liked this podcast episode called “today is not over yet”
ohttp://www.jesslively.com/alexandrafranzen/
So as I look at the comments above its evident you’ve received lots of valuable information. Sometimes its hard to know where to start. Maybe treat this whole thing as a project or an operation even ;)…. “Operation Get Healthy for My Family”. And break this into phases put laser focus each phase until the operation is complete. Come up with your own but here is an example.
PHASE ONE: Reach Out to POM – Completed!!!!
PHASE TWO: Find, Contact and Visit a Counselor -After my second son I felt guilty all of the time for everything.. I felt guilty for having a clean house (because I felt like it meant I wasn’t spending time with my kids) and I felt like a bad mom if my house was messy too (you see the problem?) My counselor was wonderful and gave me tools that I will carry for the rest of my life… she helped me recognize cognitive distortions like “black or white thinking” etc. She helped me think more logically. Now when I’m cleaning I have thoughts like “ I personally am a better more present mom when I have a picked up home.” And when life happens and my house gets crazy I think, “I have toddlers” and shrug my shoulders. My thoughts are more logical and don’t carry so much emotion. Within a few months I no longer needed counseling.
Also, If you need some medication to cope with this season of your life they will let you know. My husband is going through a stressful masters program and wasn’t feeling himself despite his best efforts of exercising, journaling etc. He is on a low dose of anxiety medication and its like a cloud has been lifted from him.
PHASE THREE: Make a Loose Routine/Schedule. I loved Rachel Nielsons suggestions above. Mommy quiet time and the book “The Miracle Morning” are great resources. When you implement the miracle morning there are a few books I would recommend for your daily reading time that my counselor had me read. “mindsets” by Carol Dweck and “When Panick Attacks” by David Burns (it has some “real world” examples but the principals of congtive therapy are life changing”
This podcast is a great intro to morning routines.
http://www.smartpassiveincome.com/early-morning-routine/
PHASE FOUR:
Physical Order: I loved the book “The life changing Magic of Tidying Up” to get my house in order. To maintain the order I use this cleaning system and it works beautifully. http://tipsandpix.com/?p=76
PHASE FIVE:
Mental Order:
Mind Organization for Moms!! I love YNAB for finaces and I have theme days for Menu planning (Monday=Healthy, Tuesday= Mexican, Wednesday= Breakfast for dinner, Thursday=Comfort, Friday=Pizza, Saturday= Grill, Sunday is crock pot).
Something else I just recognized is there are areas in your life that can be treated like projects and that can be completed and there are other areas that are habits. Once you house is cleaned out the habits are what keep the order… Once your loose schedule is laid out its the habits that keep the schedule working.
I LOVED this ted talk on tiny habits from BJ fogg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdKUJxjn-R8
Consistency is the most important. Some days my exercise is three minutes and other days much longer. I follow this
MTO formula.
http://thelighthouseprinciples.com/2015/02/the-1-issue-with-your-goals/
All else fails. Moment by moment choose do act from your deepest values. Yes acting from impulse will bring short term happiness but making choices from your deepest values will bring lasting peace, joy and happiness.
If you have any questions or just want to chat my email is candicea31 (at) gmail.com
Love,
Candi
My children are ages 25 to 41 now. I can tell you that because I homeschooled them I spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week with my children who were basically each born 4 years apart. I was very hard on myself and totally unrealistic about what I should accomplish in a day. We made it anyway without perfection on my part or my husband’s.
I used to be disappointed everyday that I couldn’t keep the routines and schedules that I planned out, that I didn’t always feel like I loved my children, or that my house was never as clean and organized as I hoped. I have found out after the fact that although routines and schedules work for many people who are able to pull it off, some of us just don’t work that way. Love, happiness, well-being and enjoying life can happen without routines and schedules being kept if we are not so judgmental with ourselves and accept where we are.
Louise Hay, in “You Can Heal Your Life,” clearly describes this simple process. She helps you gain back your personal power by looking in the mirror and saying “I Love You (put in your name).” This simple affirmation can have profound affect on your well-being.
http://aplacefortheheart.co.uk/louise-hay/louise-hay-guide-to-loving-yourself/
As far as your husband and you, I have been married almost 45 years. We had lots of sexual problems because I did not understand how a man is wired biologically, but more importantly I had never had a clue about my own sexuality either. If your husband desires to stay with you and you with him, that is what it takes to get to a beautiful relationship with each other.
I have learned a lot in the last several years and one of the resources is:
http://www.redtentwellness.com/about%20us.php
You are wonderful just the way you are.
My dear sisters,
I am so touched by your responses and your love! Thank you for your kindness, and for sharing your wisdom. Each of you said something very helpful to me…and I do mean each and every one of you! Having real, concrete things that I can try has given me hope again. I value your advice and insight, and I value your love. Thank you for offering support and strength to me.
Your sister, who will hopefully not be struggling quite as much for long
One of the best things I ever did for my motherhood sanity was join a MOMS Club. It’s an international non-profit organization. There is probably a chapter near you. We met monthly in a church basement where we planned things like park playdates, field trips & met moms with children the same age who we could form playgroups with. Our kids had a great time and the moms had grown ups to talk to and go places with. We had a lot of fun together & helped each other with child care & emotional support.
check out http://www.momsclub.org
All the best to you!
You will do fine! You want to be well – that’s such a good sign. Wisdom was one of the words you used – if we seek wisdom we will be given it! God bless!
I too have struggled with Internet/iPhone addiction. I have come along way and would like to share a few tips that have helped me.
First of all, completely delete all of the games you play. Also, disable the Internet and even your email if necessary.
Second, commit to only using your phone for a certain amount of time each day- when my kids were in bed and things were quiet for the night, I let myself use it as much as I wanted. I gave myself one hour and tracked my usage by writing the minutes down as I used them. If there was something that I wanted to read about or look into that wasn’t absolutely pressing, I would write it on a sticky note and check the list at night when I had free usage.
Third, disable your Facebook account if you have one. I deleted my account completely because it was a huge waste of time for me.
Fourth, challenge yourself. I erased Instagram from my phone and challenged myself to only check it on Saturday night. That gave me lots to catch up on and once I was done, I erased the app again. I tried moving the app to a less central place on my phone but it did nothing for me. I had to erase it completely. If I was tempted to use it, I had time to talk myself out of it since downloading it took time and effort.
Fifth, put it on the charger in another room on the other side of the house and LEAVE it! Carrying it in my back pocket or leaving it within arms reach always meant it ended up in my hands again within a few minutes.
Sixth, my house also paid a price for my Internet usage. And the catch up seemed daunting! So, I set a timer for 15-20 minutes and told myself I had to work in that room for that amount of time, then I could leave and not touch another thing. The wonderful part was, I had usually made such progress since the timer made me work fast, that I was so close to being done that I just finished up.
Seventh, I understand being irritable with your kids. Truthfully, it’s happens to every mom, addition or no addiction. For me, I have to force myself to think a step ahead of my kids. For example, if I am playing on my phone I tell myself that my kids are most likely going to be hungry (because they are never hungry when I want them to be, right?) so I prepare for that. It helps a bunch! (I hope this one makes sense.)
Eighth, force yourself to get out of the house. I know you have small kids, but if there is anything I have learned from having multiple children, it’s that kids need routine but they need a happy mom more. So, if you gave to skip their nap one day because you are out doing something fun, DO IT!! Search the Internet (during your free night usage of course!!) for things to in your area. I live in a place that I swore was the most boring place on earth. But, as I’ve tried new things I have learned to love the area I live in. Load your kiddos up in the stroller and go for an easy hike, go to a museum (even if they are too young to be interested, you will be out!), go on a day trip as a family, JUST GET OUTSIDE! And leave your phone in the house, in the car, whatever.
Ninth, pull out your actual camera! I often feel like the camera on my phone is my excuse for carrying my phone with me. Without even thinking about it, I find myself falling into old habits at the park, in the car, etc. If you want to take pictures of something, lug your camera along and leave the phone behind.
Tenth, and last but the absolutely most important one, is to pray. Whether or not you are religious, ask for God’s help. Tell him every bit of your struggle (Internet, irritability, your husband’s addiction, your lack of desire, etc.) He will help you, but only after you put your bit of effort in. I know POMs is a nondenominational space, but as a mom, we need help from a higher source. With that being said, I will end with a quote I put on my phone as the screensaver, “life is not confined to a four inch screen.” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/seeking-the-lord?lang=eng)
Best of luck to you!
I’m so sorry you are going through this hard time. I have been there!!! I will keep my thoughts brief, otherwise I will write a book!!! I suffer from depression and have for half my life; especially after having my children. I am now taking a theraputic dose of Zoloft and my life has completely changed. I have motivation! I have drive! I have interests in things again! I’m not so angry, stressed out and anxious! I have energy! Depression can totally mess with your body and your motivation. You want to “get up and go” but can’t. It’s a vicious cycle for me when I’m not properly medicated…I don’t do much with the kids, can’t get motivated to do anything, the house runs amok, the kids are neglected, I don’t shower, etc. etc. Then, I feel so horrible and guilty about it all and feel even worse. Then, the next day I look around at the mess and it all starts again. The depression kept me from being able to act. I’m not a doctor or psychologist, but I would consider talking to someone about your issues and see what you can do. I’ve never been happier or more productive than I am right now and I was at the very bottom. Suicidal and sick. Once I started to feel better, I was able to tackle the little things and feel proud. And then I was able to play with the kids and set personal goals. Finally!! Aside from that, I have found that I needed to make time for myself that was RELAXING. Internet surfing is never relaxing for me (I always think it is at the time and feel so drained after). I have found that reading, painting, or doing some other right-brained activity really helps quiet the mind so you can get some peace both mentally and physically. The key is to QUIET the mind, not fill it with noise from the internet, you know? Believe me, I’m a net junkie and I have to monitor it! Try out doing something different with your “me time.” You need to conquer that anxiety. Also, maybe try a mother’s helper a day or two per week (even if it’s just 2 hours at a whack)…sometimes just that extra arm of help can give you that relief you need to conquer something else. And always be sure to make “date night” a priority. Your relationship is always the most important thing to nurture aside from yourself. You need to connect in a fun way with your partner as much as possible. We do date night once or twice per month where we have a babysitter for the evening. We also try to do fun things after the kids are in bed like a funny video game on the wii (like bowling) or battleship, or some other silly board game. Something that doesn’t involve the TV so we can talk, joke, and laugh at each other. I am thinking of you and have been there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!! 🙂 Hugs!
It looks like there are about a million comments so far and I don’t have time to read them all, but I will echo a few things I already read and add more (that may or may not have been mentioned).
1. Goals- Set baby steps for yourself, nothing too big- for example, try to be dressed and have the kids dressed each day by a certain time. Once you get one goal down, try a new one the next week.
2. Keep a schedule- this is so essential! When you can externalize the hour-to-hour decisions you have to make on a daily basis, then it frees up your brain that much more. Plan little things each day- grocery shopping on Mondays, park on Tuesdays, library on Wednesdays, etc. Take a walk with the kids every day after lunch. Quiet time every afternoon. Popsicles after quiet time. It seems like that will make it harder- having to do stuff on certain days at certain times- but it really gives you something to shoot for, little things to look forward to. Kids thrive on routine.
3. Find alternative stress relievers- I too have struggled with technology addiction, and I know how easy it can be to fall into that trap as a SAHM. For me, the best alternatives are going into my room and shutting the door and reading a book for 10 minutes (either a good novel or scripture); turning on upbeat music or calming music (this is especially great during mealtimes); walking outside for just a few moments and taking some deep breaths; and cleaning- this last one sounds a little crazy, but sometimes it helps me to work off some of the stress and when I listen to a Power of Moms podcast at the same time (like while doing dishes or folding laundry) then I get an extra boost!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts prayers- hang in there, we’ve all been in that stressful place. ((HUGS))
Hi i also have two young children– I just had to quickly write and tell you I’m 100% sure that your overwhelm has turned into depression! Do you feel frozen? I went through a season like this and literally zoned out on the couch a lot. Are you eating — like the nuggets on your child’s plate when your cleaning up do not count!! Does it seem Like the world is happening around you? The hormones are still crazy for us and I would make an appointment with your doctor and be honest! Also, get your thyroid checked (it might say normal range, but that can be different for everyone). Find a family therapist and also we use net nanny on our phones and computers. Ask for help until you get what you need. Keep going. Oh, and check out Kathy roberts, the tidy tutor, if you want help with house stuff. Be blessed!! We are routing for you!! Also, try to walk or add some activity for 15 min. Walk around the block. It is so helpful!!
There’s so much love and support here. Just to add I’ll say one of the things that came into my life and really changed it in really positive ways is Dressing Your Truth and The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. It’s a system that helps you learn about the natural temperaments and energies that people are born with. And then helps you learn how to honor and appreciate yourself and others for your gifts and strengths. I thought it was pretty hokey at first, but really it’s changed my life for the better as a mother and wife. Finally just remember – you ARE enough. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and there are amazing lessons happening right now. You’ll look back and understand more later. Lots of love and prayers for you.
Hi there!
“Good Pictures Bad Pictures” best book out there to teach kids how to AVOID porn addiction. April Perry did a radio program with the author. Check this site for it. The illustrations are appropriate, nothing inappropiate AT ALL. Pictures of the brain and the areas that are effected, for example. My husband I were mezmorized in understanding the messages in the book too. Wow! No wonder God asks his children to not have whoredoms physically around them or within their minds and memories.
“What All Little Girls Need & What Most Women Never Had
healthy, loving relationships with their fathers” by Joe Cucchiara
(From the back of the book) 80% of all women grow up without a healthy, loving father-daughter relationship. A young girl often reaches adolescence, having passes the critical years (ages 4-12) without the benefit of a caring father. The result? She may doubt her value, be starved for affection, and prone to choosing the wrong kind of men again and again.
Both are very, very worth reading.
Lots of love, Melanie
PS I live in Japan and the time stamp says 1:56 AM. It’s like 6 PM here. Oh goodness 🙂
I’m so glad though. Addictions can be overcome and strategies can be used successfully.
Three incredible videos I can recommend are Parents Matter by Pam Stenzel, Sex Still has a Price Tag by Pam Stenzel, and Every Young Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.
My struggles are different but my reactions are pretty much the same. It’s really hard not to just check out sometimes, and when I do I get into a spiral of shame and guilt for not being a “good mom.”
Routines have helped, and a long with getting up early it’s essential I go to bed early, which isn’t easy because night time is when it’s easiest to get alone time, but sleep is so important.
I’ve recently discovered Brenè Brown’s books and Ted talks. I’ve loved them and have helped me get out of my shame cycles and check back into life. They are: “I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)” “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly”
Hopefully they can help you too.
Also, the book The Power of Habit is a great one. The author writes about how our brains work, why we do what we do, and how to change habits. As a spouse of an addict, I went to the support meetings (after he’d been clean for a few years) and found healing I didn’t know I needed. I realized that I couldn’t be his babysitter and be sane at the same time. His actions are not and never were MY fault, but my actions are up to me. I needed to focus on healing and improving myself first because *I* am the only person that can truly be under my control.
I wish I could just hug you.
Thank you to whoever wrote this letter as there are many of us with similar struggles. And thank you to Power of Moms for addressing the topic of spouse pornography use (not just teaching kids about pornography) because it is an extremely common and devastating problem that impacts moms everywhere. Finally, thank you to all those who have commented for the wonderful resources you have shared! Life is hard but I believe and hope joy is worth fighting for.
I’ve been there in so many of these things. I wish I had known to reach out to a dr when I struggled to survive with postpartum depression with each one of my three babies. Sleep deprivation is one of my biggest enemies. If I get enough rest I can conquer the world, but a tired mommy may as well be a dead mommy-when it comes to me. It makes doing everything seem like a battle, a battle with my kids, my emotions, my to do list, and it goes on and on. I loved April Perrys podcast about quiet time and that she admitted to napping everyday. I feel so much better when I do this but I’d always felt guilty about it and go through bouts of denying myself the rest I really needed, which put me into that exhaustion/depression cycle again. I have a husband whose had severe anxiety and depression our entire (almost decade long) marriage and we just recently got him help so I’ve always had to carry the weight of the family on my shoulders and never known how to confide in people about him and his behavior because I didn’t want to throw him under the bus. Anything I asked him to do would overwhelm him and so I never got a break. However, recently I’ve joined a gym and included in the membership is childcare. My kids love going to play with other kids and I take the full amount of time to excerSize, read my scriptures, and then shower and get ready for the day. I’ve cut the guilt out because it’s destructive and what I’m doing is stuff id have to get done at home while ignoring the children (or have wet children because they try to hop in the shower with me!) I’ve also found that getting out of the house once a day works wonders for me and my kids. It’s life changing! Making a list of things that make me happy and keep me happy daily also helps, I know for me enough sleep, good prayers and scripture study daily are non negotiable, but I also try to journal weekly and excersize and eat healthily. Everything is connected for me. If I eat badly then I feel gross, irritable, and unhappy. When I take good care of myself and my cup is filled then it can spill over into being a good mom. I try to do at a least one thing everyday with each of my kids, but they’re small things that only take a few minutes. With my youngest-who’s 2-we’ll read books, my son loves to wrestle or play catch-which I can totally do in my recliner in my living room because he’s still young. My oldest daughter actually likes to clean with me-And loves her cuddle time at night before bed. Each time commitment is just 5-10 minutes a day, but it makes a huge difference for my children and for me. As for cleaning, give any child over the age of 2 a rag (no cleaner for the little ones) and start teaching them to help you. Turn on some Disney music and make it a game. My oldest daughter started by having a little Tupperware of soapy water and a rag and would sit on the floor and wash around her as long as I was singing “sing sweet nightingale” from Cinderella while I was doing the dishes. Dusting and washing baseboards are also super easy for little kids to do. Little Kids just want to be around you. So let them have a rag and “clean the bathtub” or even just play in the bath tub when you’re cleaning the bathroom. This takes some initial creativity, but I now have a 7 yr old who asks to clean my toilets. It’s amazing! And it is really just about being together. When I include them in my daily activities I feel better and they do too. I’ll give the kids a job shucking corn for dinner or using their minny dust pans to sweep under the table while I do dishes and then all of a sudden it’s family time instead of me being left with a big mess all alone. It feels so different and it’s so much better. Having incentives helps out too, my kids have to earn everything. If they want a treat, I say of course, as soon as you pick up the toy room-lets set a timer and make it a race to earn our otter pops! We have a ticket jar that the kids can put tickets into every time they do a chore or sometimes just for listening, then when it’s filled we do something fun as a family-it can be as simple as getting an ice cream cone at McDonald’s, but it changes my kids attitudes about work. They need to learn to earn things. Good luck with everything, I think most moms have been to that breaking point at least once in their journey, and praying for help and strength have always helped pull me out of it. I’ve found my hardest time is the afternoon and so instead of just giving in to feeling overwhelmed, I say a prayer and ask for strength and help, then I turn on general conference (religious broadcasts) and listen to it sometimes for hours on end because it brings the lords spirit to me. Music or Power of moms podcasts or just calling a good friend to confide in have also helped me to combat the afternoon blues. Start trying to figure out your list of things that help you to feel happy and productive and like a great mom and build from there. Good luck, you can do this! (I’m sorry my list was so comprehensive, don’t get overwhelmed, I just wanted to included anything that has helped me because I know that numb feeling and it’s not how the Lord wants you to feel. He loves you and you have limitless worth and potential, don’t listen to the negative voices in your mind telling you otherwise. They are lies. You love your kids, you’re doing the best you can to pull tons of weight right now, but you can give it to the Lord and he will carry it for you. He has done this for me every time I’ve asked.)
I feel your struggle. Motherhood is a paradox, isn’t it?
So much great advice has already been given, especially the love yourself parts and spending a period of time each day with each child.
Carol Tuttle has great articles on thecarolblog.com as well as the books mentioned previously & “Remembering Wholeness”.
Much love to you!
I don’t know if you are still reading these responses, but your story immediately made me think of one lady who had remarkably similar circumstances and has overcome them beautifully- going on to create a whole course for creating healthy families. Her name is Shirley Solis and the website is http://www.buildingcharacterwithchildren.com
I do think it would be the most helpful resource for your struggles. She and her husband together have a whole section addressing pornography addiction. They also cover routines, building strong family ties, discipline problems, etc.
I don’t know you but I KNOW you are a good person, a good mom, and a good wife, because you took the time to write this email. You must believe this!
I have 2 young kids and was just struggling with the same feelings you have been. My biggest thing that I would repeat to myself daily is that there is no joy in life.
My husband was addicted to porn before I met him. Now he is struggling with anxiety and it has greatly affected the last year of our marriage.
One thing I can add to the advice already given is to focus on your relationship with your husband. I believe that God comes first and then your husband so if you work on that then other aspects of your life (your children) will begin to fall into place. I recently found a relationship expert that I have found helpful. She is a little crazy 🙂 but has so much good advice. What I really like that she believes is that it does not take 2 people to transform a relationship. YOU can do this!
Haha, I forgot to put her website! loveandpassioncoach.com
You are carrying a heavy load. Bless you! I think that there are many moms (me included) who have had times of feeling no joy in mothering and wanting to just leave it all. I have found (in my 14 years now of having my own children) that it’s important for me to find something that I can do with my little ones that is fulfilling. It will be something different for each mom. It could be reading a book together, coloring together, making something together, going on a walk together, being in a park, singing together, etc. I think that even if I can just get one of those activities in with my little ones, it helps. Don’t hesitate to reach out to others around you to ask for help as well. You may need to ask someone in your neighborhood for help, so you can also have time to recharge your batteries. Also, don’t be afraid to seek for professional help if you may be suffering from something more serious, like depression.
I want to add to this comment stream this fantastic video that was made recently. It”s a great tool to talking about pornography with kids, BUT…..for adults, I think it’s also a great reminder how we can understand pornography too and why those images are so hard to turn away from, but that we can.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2015-08-001-what-should-i-do-when-i-see-pornography?lang=eng