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Lose the last 10 pounds. Organize the family photos. Make a recipe binder from all those loose scraps of paper. Get in bed every weeknight by 10 p.m. (so I can get up at 6 a.m. to exercise in order to lose the last 10 pounds … ). Blah, blah, blah. What do all these goals have in common? They show up on my list of New Year’s goals every year.
Like many people, I have a small but annoying handful of goals that never see any measurable progress, and sometimes I can get pretty hard on myself because of it. I can’t help but think there’s a better way and that it’s time for something new: a goal I can actually keep.
This isn’t an ordinary goal for the New Year; this is a goal for the new you. More accurately, the real you that’s always been there all along, hiding under a big pile of unrealistic expectations and mismatched aspirations based on someone else’s dream and someone else’s reality.
While the aforementioned goals are good ones, there’s one goal I think every mother should include on her list this year that will wrap around and influence all the others: the goal of accepting herself.
Acceptance might seem like a funny thing to write about in the month of January. Weight loss, organization, getting out of debt–these are the things we like to focus on after the gluttony of the holidays and at the start a new year. I have a feeling there are far too many mothers out there making a bunch of goals based on things they think they should do or habits they think they should change without taking into serious consideration the specifics of their life situation, their natural inclinations and tendencies, as well as their individual strengths and weaknesses.
Acceptance isn’t about saying, “Oh well, that’s just who I am and I’m never going to change!” Acceptance is about getting real with yourself and figuring out what makes you tick. It’s about knowing what you’re good at and what you’re not. It’s about being clear on your limitations and challenges, as well as your responsibilities and opportunities–and owning all of it.
Following are three examples of “acceptance goals” and how they may affect those other goals that keep showing up year after year. I hope this will be a catalyst for you mothers out there struggling against the one person that can best help you reach your goals: yourself.
1) Differentiate between personal weaknesses and personal preferences.
I don’t decorate well or make beautiful handmade things. I have far too much paper clutter in my house and am not quite sure how to organize it all. I’m also not that great at sticking to a strict diet. You know why? Because I don’t enjoy any of these things–and that’s OK! (I’d rather cook, read, write, or plan fun things to do with my family.)
As far as I know, you can still be an excellent mother and person even if your papers are somewhat disorganized, your home isn’t professionally decorated, and the last time you saw a size 2 was in junior high. When you’re making goals for the new year, don’t push yourself too hard in areas that don’t really matter to you or that you don’t really enjoy. Stick with things that bring you joy and satisfaction. (And if that means doing a dirty job like organizing the home office, so be it!)
2) Remember there are times and seasons for all good things.
You know, I’ve somehow managed to make dinner almost every night for the last 15 plus years of marriage without that recipe binder. Maybe waiting two more years to tackle that project when my youngest child is in school would really take the load off. (There! I feel better already.)
Most of my goals that show up year after year could be treated the same way. Considering I still have a 3-year-old at home all day, maybe I’ll just swap out some of those goals for more reasonable, meaningful ones such as, “Spend 30 minutes of quality time playing with Rachael every day.” I like it!
3) Be kind to yourself. (And for heaven’s sake, be flexible!)
Would you say the kinds of things to your best friend that you say to yourself? Do you want your own daughter to grow up saying those kinds of things to herself? Of course not, so knock it off.
The things you say to yourself in your head have a huge impact on how successful you are in reaching your goals, so please, be your own cheerleader, not your worst critic. I for one am going to stop beating myself up for not getting in bed early enough to get up to exercise. My 13-year-old is hardly in bed by 10 p.m., so what do I expect?
I hope you get the idea and that you make some time to sit down with yourself and re-evaluate that list of goals before this “new” year becomes just like the last one. Who knows, maybe this year you’ll actually make a goal you can keep while learning to accept your perfectly imperfect self in the process!
QUESTION: What are some unrealistic expectations you can let go of this year?
CHALLENGE: Re-evaluate your goals with some “acceptance goals” in mind.
Thank you, Allyson. It is so true that there is a difference between personal weakness and personal preference; we don’t have to measure ourselves by what we find difficult b/c we all have the “natural man” but find peace in what we are trying to better and in what we are good at. And everything has its season. We may not have time to make freezer meals for others every week while when it’s all we can do to make dinner each night, but a few years down the road we may have dinner under control and start to branch out. And it is SO IMPORTANT to be kind to yourself. We often make the mistake of even bullying ourselves. I think Satan uses that as a tool to keep us down. The hope of the Atonement, however, is that WE CAN CHANGE. We can repent. We can do better next time. We can do something about it NOW. We have heavenly heritage, and there is an essence of divinity within us. Access it and use it. Nourish your soul and allow Heavenly Father to direct you as you develop your spiritual gifts and diminish your weaknesses. If we go about our “to-do” lists with an eternal perspective, we will do the most important things and some may fall out of place. As President Ezra Taft Benson once said, “When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.”